Movin' Forward

So the past two months have gone by pretty quickly.  I do know that there have been some missteps along the way, either they are getting farther apart or I am better able to deal with them.  Most of them even seem normal teenager-ish.  I am happy for Lauren.  She seems in a better place.  She has made a lot of progress over the past little while.  She even stayed home with just her and her brother and managed to stay out of all trouble.  That made me happy.  I bet it made her happy too.  It is nice that I can rely on her for a bit.  She got her License yesterday and is now all legal to drive, she is excited about that.  I am too in a way.  He brother has been such a bore about taking anyone anywhere and she is really excited about it.  It makes it so nice.

She seems to have matured a bit as well.  Sometimes she is able to see the future and be a little scared by it.  Having turned 18 this past month  she realizes that things change drastically on paper for someone like her, though not in reality.  She feels the same and acts the same but the consequences of her choices and actions have changed a lot.  It scares her, which I think is a little good for her.  I think it is good for her to realize that there is responsibility that comes with freedoms.

She is still in a relationship with the boy that took her to prom.  He even came along to our family reunion in Utah this past June.  It was nice getting to know him better and getting to like him.  He is a pretty good kid.  I do have some worries, but Lauren assures me they are not really things to be worried about.  I know they both have had pretty tough lives and support each other, I just hope is doesn't become co-dependant, and abusive.  That can often happen.  He fits in well with the family, except on brother that is on a judgement kick.....so that doesn't count.

It is hard to be able to see people for who they are and recognize their progress when you are comparing them to some huge perfect standard.  I finally had to let go of that "normal" for Lauren, and take her on who she is and see the progress of where she is at.  It makes a huge difference in how I see her, in how she sees herself and how we get along.  I sure do love her.  It is hard to get to that point, and I mean hard, but so worth it.

There are still times I want to kick her butt, but for the most past I enjoy living with her and having her around.  She is a good person.  And she is learning more and more each day to control her emotions and not let her emotions control her.  That is a huge deal for Lauren, and she is doing it.  I am so proud of her.

Progress

So not perfect, but at least on a somewhat upward swing.  Lauen actually went to the prom on the 27th of April.  She looked pretty and loved the whole thing.  I was happy for it.  It is an event I didn't think she would ever be able to experience, and I am so glad she got to.  Since then..... things have been up and down.  No job yet, and she is still caught up way to much in her boyfriend.  His parents and she are not getting along, and I am just staying out of it all.  He is a nice boy.  I wish he were a little nicer, but all in all, he is okay.

We are planning on going home soon after the kids get out of school, and Lauren has mixed feelings.  She doesn't want to be gone too long, and she really isn't sure about family, but she has plans to go with us.  She seems to be in an okay spot.  She did give up smoking for over a week now.  I am hoping it continues.  As we all know - little things can set her off...

I wish she could make some more friends....  She really needs some.  Anyway.... Things aren't great, but they are certainly better than they were a couple of weeks ago.  That is always nice.

Mountains become Mole Hills

The past week has been difficult for Lauren.  It  is amazing what a little thing can build into and how it can spiral out of control.  The real test is to not let it, but Lauren has a real difficult time with that.  Lauren got her feeling hurt, badly over the Easter Holiday.  Instead of trying to put it in perspective and deal with it, she let it eat at her, thinking she would never be good enough.  That led to feelings of worthlessness, which led to victimization, which led to acting in anger which led to doing anything to end the pain, which always get's her in trouble.

The cutting has started again, and pretty severely.  The rejecting of God and into Wicca.  The acting out and taking revenge for perceived wrongs.  We have had family services visit us this past week, dealt with a missing credit card, a job quitting, and some intense issues with her boyfriend and his parents.  Also a return to just not doing chores most of the time.

I know she is stressed.  I wish I could help her to see that she needs to deal with things in a better way.  I know life has taught her to deal with them in this bad way, and her natural reaction is protect herself, even if it isn't really protecting but hurting her.  However, until she realizes that there is a better way to do things, and chooses to do it, she will continue to fall.  I wouldn't even mind her fall if she got back up afterwards and started really trying again, recognizing her old pattern and moving on.

I also plea with those who know her personally to try very hard to be kind.  Knowing that she has this disorder  knowing what her natural reaction will be, knowing  her trials and past, can we not be more loving, forgiving, and understanding.  The family should be the one place we are always accepted.  The one place we are loved in spite of our faults.  Included in spite of our problems.  It is the one place we should find a haven in.    This includes close friends as well.  After all, saying unkind things about someone will never help them to improve.  The only way to change a persons heart is through example and love, like our Savior showed.  He is our example and we should be more like him.

I am hoping that things improve again.  That she picks herself up and dust off and moves on.  I am hoping she can stop the cycle.  Not expecting it, but hoping for it.  Please pray for her.

Happy for Improvement!!!

It has been a while since I last updated.  Things have been going fairly well.  Lauren has made major improvements that have seemed to last for quite some time.  It has been almost a year since we had an out of control episode.  That is a major accomplishment.  It used to be a few weeks if that.  And it has been quite a few months since we have had a major throw it in your face, you can't tell me what to do episode as well.  That is major improvement.  In fact life has been pleasant and although not perfect - never expected that - in a lot of ways she seems no different from other teenagers.  She has her ups and downs, ad she does get upset easier than most.... but her ability to handle situations has improved drastically.  We hope and pray that this means she has learned this skill and is applying it most of the time.

Although I would say she is like one of the extreme rebellious teenagers, I can find others that are considered normal in her sphere which is major improvement.  She has been so much happier, and I have been as well.  The whole family has been.  It is nice to have her accept answers, to ask permission, to calm down when things don't go her way.  To calm down when she over-reacts.  To stop and think.  This is a major accomplishment for her.

As a Mormon I still get discouraged at times when I see some of the choices she is making, things like smoking cigarettes, clothing, not attending church, swearing, etc.  But..... At least her life has a sense of normalcy now.  For the past 5 years it hasn't. She seems to be in a good place emotionally right now anyway.

Lauren has a boyfriend and went on her first real date in March.  She went to Sadies at the school here with her boyfriend.  I was so happy for her.  I was so afraid she would never get that opportunity.  He also asked her to Prom which is next week.  We got her a beautiful dress that she loves and again I am so excited and happy for her.  Those are experiences I never thought she would get to experience, and they mean a lot to a person in retrospect.  Even in forward- spect.

Lauren has a new job and is enjoying it.  She is working at McDonald's.  It isn't very far from our house so that makes it nice.  

I have been so pleased to see her progress, to see her true personality shine through, to see her outgoing self, her loving self, her bright side.  She also finished up her education and got her Diploma a few weeks back.  That is excellent as well.  I was worried about that.

Anyway..... I pray that things continue and that this truly is growth, well it is either way... but I hope it continues for her.  She has been so much happier the past little while.  I like her to be happy.  It makes me happy, just because she it.

Love Samantha

Letter to my sister

My sister has a young son, 8, that was a drug baby.  He is adopted.  His birth mother used Meth up to the day before he was born, not to mention alcohol  smoked etc.  When he was born he was addicted.  Over the years he has had many problems and been diagnosed with many illnesses.  Alcohol fetal syndrome is only one of them.  They recently diagnosed him with Turrets  and maybe bi-polar.   The past few months they have been trying different medicines to help him.  He has slowly become more and more violent in his outbursts, to others and to himself.  A week ago they had to hospitalize him as he was so out of control and there was nothing anyone could do to calm him down.  While he has been at the hospital, he has become so violent that they have had to sedate him quite a few times.  IT breaks my sisters heart, and mine.  She has a tough road ahead of her.  While I was home I didn't really get the chance to talk to her as she was busy with him, or I was with my kids.  I ended up writing this note, which I hope helped her and was very cathartic for me as well.  I think I will post it here in case it helps anyone else.

Dear Martha,   I wanted to talk to you last night, but things just didn't work out, so maybe this is better anyway.  You can come back and read it if needed.  I wanted to tell you I am sorry you are going through these difficulties with Miles.  I understand as a Mom how hard it is to leave your child in someone else's care, and not really have a say in what happens to them.  Just missing them is hard.  You feel like you've failed in your duty, you feel sad for yourself, you feel even sadder for them.  You can't understand why this had to happen or what you are to learn.  And that is just some of the feelings.  

I wish I could tell you that the facility he is in is going to make everything all better and that his problems would be over along with this trial that you don't want.  But in all truthfulness, it won't.  I'm not trying to be a downer or telling you to give up.  I stating a fact.  Miles is going to be like Lauren I think.  I don't think there will be any magic pill, or treatment.  I think he will struggle for many years, which means you will struggle for many years.  There are good times in between it all, and you must record and relive those, because they are what makes it all worth it.  That and the knowledge that God will help, Jesus atoned for this (not just sins) and that in Eternity these things will be gone.    I think when Miles is released from this place things will be better for a while.  I hope the new meds help.  Enjoy his childhood because I think your teenage years with him are going to be HARD.  When you start to see them make choices  that will last a lifetime, and effect them into the eternities it really breaks your heart.  It takes a lot of faith to not lose hope and give up.  When Lauren started sleeping around, I can't tell you how that broke my heart.  Then when she started using drugs and smoking.  Then...... wanting funky hair, tattoos, piercings, bizarre clothing, sexting, hanging on every guy that would give her attention..... Yes my heart has been broken more that I thought I could ever take.  When she lies, steals, shoplifts, etc.  I often wonder why this trial.  It certainly isn't benefitting her, and I don't think what we learn is worth the price.  BUT..... I don't know that.  Only God does, and you have to have faith.  It has taken me many years to get to the point where her actions don't send me into a tail spin.  Yes there are still days when I feel badly, and want to give up, but they are not the majority now.  I have come to realize a couple things that I hope can help you and save you years of heartache.  First is that we are here to help these kids.  God gave them to us because we could do something for them that no one else could, and I don't mean fix them.  Sometimes it is just the ability to keep loving them when they do such awful things.  Sometimes it is simply setting the example of joy that comes from living the gospel.  Sometimes it is just that they know we love them.    That is hard to accept that there is little you can do, but sometimes that is it.  I have prayed for years to know what to do to help Lauren.  I have prayed about medicines, facilities, programs, healing, blessing, fasting and praying.  I have never in all that time received a message of "This is what you need to do to help her."  All I have ever got was a feeling to continue to have faith, set the example and continue to forgive her, love her, and let her know that.  As you may or may not know, she doesn't go to church anymore.  It has been almost a year since she has.  She'll go occasionally, but she never stays. She will not graduated from Seminary, or even high school.  She will never go to a prom.  She will never have a normal date.  She will probably not get married in the temple at least not for a long time.  And yes that hurts and hurts and hurts.  But all I can do is what Lehi did, Alma the elder, Adam and Eve, and so many others in the scriptures.  I can pray, and fast for her.  I can set an example, and I can love her.  I don't think Miles is at the point where he can make his own decisions, but  he will get there eventually and you will have to come to terms with that.  Ian and I have got to the point, that she isn't legally an adult, so we have to have her in our home.  We want her there, but also  that there are certain things we will not allow in our home.  She is not allowed to be in our home if she is drunk, or high.  No sexual activity can go on in our home, no smoking.  Yes she does these things, but not in our home.  She knows that our home has standards.  I can't make her live them outside the house, but I can inside.  As long as she doesn't bring it to my home, she is welcome there.  She participates in scripture study and prayer in the home.  This will not change when she is 18.  However if she does bring it into our home, she knows she will not be allowed to stay there, not because we don't love her, but because our home is a haven for all of us.

Secondly is the knowledge that most people including herself, don't understand Lauren.  None of us know to what extent she is capable of changing her life.  How much is choice and how much is sickness?  To what degree is a person able to withstand temptation.  Yes I know the scriptures say a person will not be tempted beyond what they can withstand, but... I think that is for the normal person, not the one who is sick.  In some ways I think maybe Lauren would not have been able to withstand some of the issues facing her, and so maybe she has this disability to protect her from the consequences of her actions.  If you can't control, you can't be responsible.  I'm not so sure that this disability is all that much different from someone with down syndrome.  We know that they are not responsible for the decisions they make here on earth because they have a body that doesn't allow them to chose properly.  Most of them are innocent and we understand it so much better, but perhaps our kids disabilities serve the same purpose.    That doesn't mean I don't work with her on changing.  Or that she doesn't want to change, but that it is so difficult, harder than for most, and that even small gains are huge.  People have often asked me how can I say the past few months have been great for our family given that she isn't going to church, she is smoking, using drugs, sexting, lost her job etc.  I'll tell you why.  Because Lauren has not had an episode of such violence that she has to be restrained, there have been no overdoses, or hospital visits, or police involved.  There have been no arrests or crap at our home.  Emotionally, she has found an even keel.  For a bit anyway..... And THAT IS BIG!!!!   Sure I want the rest, but this is progress and huge from where she was 3 years ago.  or even 6 months ago.  So I have to look for and be thankful for the progress she makes.  

I also  realize that change is possible.  We don't know when and what will effect people.  Look at people we grew up with that were so wild in high school.  How many of them now have found happiness in the gospel.  Why?  Because as they matured they realized what mattered most.  And God gives them the opportunity to repent whenever and however many times it takes.  Recently I read a book that talked about a boy talking about the bicycle parable, and that he had crashed the bike.  The author said he loves the parable, but it isn't that God makes up the difference,  God already bought the bike.  The repentance process is to help you appreciate the bike,  But God already bought it.  And if you crash it, guess what he has a whole warehouse full of bikes and you can have as many as you need as long as you truly repent.  That is the blessing of it all.  If he or she is 99 and still repenting it still counts.  Whether they accept the gospel here or even on the other side, it will count.  So hope is always there.    President Packer said one time that he doesn't doubt that many people when they are freed from the fetters of this earth, will be able to see the gospel in its entirety and accept on the other side, because what they had here prevented them from truly accepting it.

I am sure you have been able to see the "Real" Miles, just as I have seen the real Lauren.  There are time when the sickness isn't in control, and her happiness and goodness, her compassion, her light shine.  There are times when she has such an understanding of the gospel, when she is so sweet.  I see that and know that that is who she is.  Underneath all the crap she has in her life she is a wonderful person.  I see that.  I wish, oh I wish, she could be that person always, but I know it is there, and I know God knows it is there.  If I can see her as God sees her, past all her actions, past all her faults, past her disease I can understand and help better.  Because sometimes it is really hard to know what to do.  How to react.   Yes there are consequences, but there also has  to be  total forgiveness.  Christ set the example I have to follow.  People many think I let her walk all over me, but in all actuality, I just want her to know I love her and I will continue to let her try again and again.  She knows I do not support her in her negative behaviors.  She knows I don't accept it or allow it in my home, but I  can't do much else.  So I forgive and love her.  

There is growth, not only for Lauren, but of others.  Our family has grown from her trials.  Yes we have hard times too, but I look at my kids.... Chauncey is very forgiving.  He doesn't hold others responsible for his happiness.  He doesn't hate Lauren for all she has done to him.  Ben is more compassionate to others.  He sees that there are many good people in the world, and not just in our church.  He knows that good people can do bad things and that that doesn't make them bad.  He is very accepting of others and how he treats them, even if he doesn't agree with what they are doing.  Payne also is very forgiving.  They value family more.  I have found strength I never knew existed in me.  I have learned to be less judgmental, to be more forgiving, to let things go I can't change.  I have learned to turn to Heavenly Father for peace and joy.  I have found strength and love in Ian through support and working together.  I care less about his annoyances (Which are many) and am able to concentrate on how we support each other through the difficult times.  The odd thing is...It isn't Lauren that has changed, it is me and my abilities to deal with things, to see things, to choose things.  We have grown and been blessed.  We are better people for this.  Am I thankful for this trial....... NO!  But I am thankful for the things I have learned from it.  Would I want this trial.... NO.  Would I change it .... YES.  But that is because I am mortal.  I don't see the whole picture and I don't know what God has in store. And I am grateful that he gives us what we need and not what we want.  My favorite book is by Neal A Maxwell, called "All these things shall be for thy good"  It helps me understand.

Finally.....   The road is long, and hard.  But there is joy along it.  People will judge you, people will hurt you, people will hurt your kids.  Some of those people will be family.  I don't know how often I have heard Mom say something that hurts and cuts about Lauren.  But I have to remember she doesn't understand.  She will give advice that I simply have to ignore.  Not because she is being mean, or trying to hurt me, but because she doesn't live with it day in and day out.  She doesn't get it and so she tries to help with her limited ability.  You have to get over those things.  It is too important.  Every time people tell me that I spoiled Lauren, and that is why she is like she is... I have to ignore it.  When they tell me if I would just enforce some rules..... I take it with a grain of salt.  When they tell me I need to kick her out.... I consider and pray.  They are trying to help, and yes they are judging, but they don't have all the facts, and I can only do what I feel the Lord is telling me to do.  If that goes against their thoughts, so be it.  I am sure Mom, Agnes, Mary, Colton, Dusty, Dad, ME have given you advice on what you should do with Miles, but we only see from the outside, not the day to day, and so we try to help with what we see, not to judge, though it may seem like that, but you have to do what the Lord leads you to do.    God loves Miles more than you.  He knows him better, he hasn't just left him to suffer.  He will do all he can to help him, and guide him.  BUT -- you have to rely on him.  Your family will try to support you, but there is only so much we can do with our limited knowledge.  Remember God has great trust in you, and this trial shows how much.  HE knows that only you can give Miles what it is he needs.  He will guide you to what that is.  And if it just to keep trying and loving, then that is it, even if it seems so useless.

I love you.  I ache for you, and for Miles.  I wish you didn't have to go through the years ahead of you.  But again hold on to the good things, the memories, record the bright spots.  Find those moments when the real Miles shines through and treasure them.  We don't know why God has allowed this trial to come to him and your family, but God does.  Trust in that.

Samantha

Slow Slide

Lauren  has done really well for a while.  December and January were all pretty good.  Her emotions maintained for a bit, and there where no major problems or blow ups.  A lot of progress for her.  Of course she was still doing things that she shouldn't but there was little I could do about those things, and the fact that she was emotionally stable for so long is a big step forward.  I just was happy for the progress she was making.  The past two weeks I have seen a slow slide downward.   It started with her handing out with friends that really aren't good for her again.  Reconnecting with people she shouldn't be with.  Then her dedication to work went down and she eventually lost her job.  Her boss allowed her to quit, but if she hadn't she would have been fired.  Then this past week we spent with family in Utah.  Instead of spending time with family like she said she wanted to, she reconnected again with people that only do things that will bring her down.  THe week ended with her manipulating things that really made me quite upset at her.  She took advantage of grandparents, and me and I was really disappointed.

I hate to see her slide back into old behaviors, and see her start the downward slide, but she did last longer than in the past in a fairly good spot.  I  guess I should just be grateful for the time she had that was good and count that as progress.  I really do hope and pray that someday she may become the person she was meant to be, and that deep down I know she wants to be.  I hope she finds real happiness and  peace.

Christmas and New Years

Lauren had a good Christmas.  Well that isn't exactly true.  I know she had some difficulties over the Holidays.  She got a new boyfriend  and then he broke up with her.   I know she also felt uncomfortable with some of the family, and she and her cousins don't seem to get along much anymore.  But in spite of it all  she held it together and let us have a great Holiday.  It was the first in a long time that we have had a wonderful holiday all together.

After Christmas she also really pulled it together and made a bunch of goals for the new year.  I told her only a few would be better, but she insisted, so it was her idea.  For the first few days she did really good with her goals too.  Then she sabotaged herself and it all fell apart again.  She is so torn inside.  She battles herself.  I think she feels so scared of changing that she sabotages.

She has a broken soul.  She wants to live a good life, but she has addictions, and she sabotages and then she has such anger and she hates God and what is happening to her.  Again until she gets fed up with where her choices take her nothing will change.  Again I am hoping that she hits bottom soon.  I want her to be so happy.  I want to see her shine, and achieve all she wants.  I hurt for her, and for me.  I love her.  I hope and pray everyday for her and for her healing.    Please keep her in your prayers!!

Rock Bottom

Have you ever prayed for someone to hit rock bottom?  It is an interesting question.  I look at Lauren and I don't want her to be unhappy, or have to suffer, but she isn't happy and she is suffering, and what she is doing is only causing her and us more suffering.  I keep praying that she will hit rock bottom, and be so discouraged and so through with it all that she hates it and decides to make the changes and crawl back up.  The problem is she keeps heading down, comes up, heads down, comes up, heads down, etc and we never get anywhere but a yoyo.

She left me last week in a store and stole the truck. Ian got me, we reported her.  Didn't force her to come home, but she came.  A couple of weeks ago I told her I was through with the antics, she either really needed to kill herself or fix it, because I was tired of the yoyo.  She felt I was extremely cruel.  I just refuse to be her punching bag and let her use me for sympathy in that way anymore.  It isn't fair to me.  I thought after taking the truck she would see that things were really bad and make some changes, but within two days she was back to smoking, dyed her hair purple and blue, and got a new boyfriend to be obsessive over.   Same behaviors as before and just another yoyo.  My prayer has been and continues to be that she will awaken and see where she is at, and where she is going.  That she will hit ROCK BOTTOM.  Perhaps then she can grow and learn and stop perpetuating her unhappiness.

We are home with family right now, and I have mixed feelings about the upcoming Holidays.  The past ones have had so many problems, with running away, violence, over doses etc.  I really want this one to be good.  I'm not expecting it, but I am hoping for it.  I pray everyday for her to find what truly matters, to work on therapy, to return to God.  I know he loves her and hasn't abandoned her.  But she has abandoned Him.  Hopefully something soon with get through and she can pull it together.  If not I guess I just have to continue in faith, praying and giving her love.  Pray for her and us please.

Insights

I started seeing a therapist myself about 3 months ago.  I found that I was depressed, and really couldn't handle any stress.  Things just got to be too much.  It's kind of funny, but dealing with someone dysfunctional makes one become dysfunctional.  It takes someone with a strong constitution to not be affected by everything being their fault, and them not loving their child enough, or being enough.  Sometimes it is very wearing.    Anyway..... things have been going much better since, and I think in a couple more visits I will be okay for a while.  I may need to go back from time to time, but I think it will be okay.

On our last visit I was kind of in a quandary.  Lauren has been cutting a lot lately, and as her parent I am torn as to what is my responsibility.  In the past if I have found a razor I have taken them and thrown them away in the outside garbage.  But then she is always mad at me and complaining about how I take away her coping mechanisms etc.  On the one hand I want to keep her safe, but she always manages to get more razors and continues to cut.  Should I be taking them?  We talked a lot about it, that it is my job to protect her, but I can't really protect her, she knows we don't like that she cuts.  She knows that we disapprove  She has been taught that it isn't helpful.  She knows all this... Now it is her turn to use it.  My therapist suggested that we never mention razors or cutting.  If we see one, leave it there.  Give her no attention in this area.  She says when she has patients that cut, she refuses to  talk about it when they have done it.  She says it only reinforces the cycle they are in.  She cuts to find relief  temporary, but then it causes us to be kinder and more concerned so she is rewarded in a backwards sort of way.  By making it a non issue, she gets no rewards from it.  We can acknowledge when she brings it up, but tell her we aren't talking about that issue, because she already knows our opinion, and she has to do what she needs to.

It is so counter intuitive.  When someone is hurting you want to comfort them, but in this case they are hurting themselves and the comfort is a reward.  She mentioned that suicide attempts are the same to an extent.  If she does try, take her to the emergency room and leave her there alone.  Don't visit, or give her our attention.  Better yet call the cops and have them take her.  Otherwise ignore it so she doesn't get a reward from it.  It is hard to do this at times, but I have seen how she perks up and becomes so happy in the hospital after an attempt, because she is getting our undivided attention.  The staff to, sort of.  Anymore, especially here, they stick them in a guarded wing and only come to check vitals and such.  No personal attention.  That is good.

She mentioned again, that really all we can do is  be the bow and try to shoot straight.  It is up to the arrow to go where it goes.  I know that is what the gospel teaches us.  Teach them good principles, and she has, and they are in there, and then let her go where she needs.  Let her choices be a non issue for us.  They are her issues, not ours.  Turn it over to God, and stop taking it back.  It has provided a lot of peace for me this week.  I know I will probably need to revisit this as I am so bad at it, but it is true.  We have taught her what we could, and we love her and accept her, but her choices are hers, and she has to live with them, not us! -- Samantha

What BPD feels like

I came across this and it is excellent at describing in a brief nutshell what poor Lauren experiences on a daily basis.  She is a  wonderful person.  I pray she can find that in herself!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8

Downward Spiral

The past few weeks I have watched as Lauren has been on a downward spiral.  It went much faster than expected.  She went from upbeat and happy to irritated, and then taking offense at everything, being the victim, everyone hating her and disliking her, reading peoples minds and personalizing everything.  It was never outward expressed violently as in the past, but more of a slow spiral with nothing major happening, until it happened.  About a week ago she told her boyfriend that she was cutting and suicidal.  He tried to talk to me and she refused.  So they called 911, and they called me.  She was out on a walk by that time.  Then she disappeared   They called the cops and we spent most of the night looking for her.    When she came home the next day she was covered in cuts on her legs and arms, about 200-300 I would guess.  She had taken some razor blades and cut herself everywhere.  I can't fathom how that makes one feel better.  Logically I have read about it, but emotionally I just don't get it.  Anyway...... The cops came and told her she either had to go to her therapist or she had to go to the hospital.  she was in an ornery mood and refused to talk to anyone including a therapist so I took her to the hospital and they put her in an acute ward until Yesterday.  She was upset about being there, but she also refused to talk or work to stop the downward spiral.

It is amazing how she goes to the ER and she perks up.  She is happy and upbeat, and it is evident that she craves attention and now she has it.  She knows everyone cares and loves her.  If is a self fulfilling wish, and yet such a dangerous one.  Even at the hospital for the first day or so it is the same, everyone concerned about Lauren... so she is so happy.  Then she realizes that it is gonna take work and that it is just their job and she hates it.  One would think she could remember that before she does something crazy.  I don't hink hospitalization does any good for her.  It fulfills her wants and wishes, even if they aren't conscious.

She came home yesterday and everything seems normal again like nothing ever happened.  I hope this time though she remembers that a lot of the coping skills she has been using are not good for her.  They aren't even skills, just a way of managing, but they only add to the problem and her guilt in the downward spiral.

I've learned some things from this last attempt, so I guess it hasn't been useless.  I need to stop shielding my other kids from all of the damage she causes, and the pain.  They need to be able to experience compassion and kindness and caring.   They can't do that if I am always shielding them from her actions and problems. And I need to accept that it is okay to cry, to weep, to be sad, to hurt, and that perhaps she needs to see that as well.She needs to realize that her actions affect more than just her.

I hope we are now on an upward swing.  She was doing well for so long.......  Hopefully this is just a blip and we continue up again.  I pray that is the case.

Samantha

Life is Good

The past few months have been really good with Lauren, and for her.  She has been os even for the most part.  Last week she had a bit of a melt down for a couple of days, but we got through that.  Mostly it happens when she refuses to talk and work through things.  But other than that things have been really good.  She has been helpful, and respectful and even been happy most of the time.  I hope she can see the value of it in her life.  I can.

She has been hanging out with her brothers more, which is really nice.  They have even been getting along for the most part.  I am proud of her.  She has been working a bunch and she really likes her job. She did talk to me about a concern she has the other day.  She feels that even though she has made some major changes and has been doing pretty good for about 3 months with only a few breakdowns, people still treat her as the old "whacko" Lauren.  No one trusts her yet, or gives her the benefit of the doubt.  She is right.  I tried to explain that a few months is great progress for her, and for us, but for most people a few months verses years of past experiences makes it difficult to put the past in the past.  If she continues she can gain back peoples trust, but that takes time.

She feels if no one gives her a chance how can she prove herself.  I understand her point of view, but I also understand others points of view as well.

I am pleased for her mostly and am glad she has found some joy and happiness in her life.  I love her and so want her to be happy and successful.  And I am enjoying, really enjoying my time with her.

Got a Job

Lauren went in for an interview the other day at Arby's and got the job.  She starts on Monday.  We are so pleased for her.  She also has another company interested in her.  It is called Otter Box and is a huge company. THey want to re-interview her on the 22nd of October.  They are opening a plant in Frederick, which as about 5 miles away and are hiring all new people.    If she happens to get that job it is the better of the two.  10 dollars an hour to begin with.  She seems to be okay.

I know she is still lonely, and I know she has those days where she is still caught in that whirlpool of emotions, but she has been handling it pretty well. WE haven't had any major outburst for about 3 months.  That is a really long time.  I think two things are contributing to this.  The first a biggest is a change in her medicines.  The new med she started in August really seems to help with her impulsiveness and mood swings.  Second I think we have given her a little more freedom to do things, even those things we don't approve of.  In so doing she has had to decide if it is really worth it.  Some things she is still making choices that will hurt her, but in a lot of ways she is choosing the better.

She is helping around the house, and pleasant for the most part.  I have enjoyed being with her, and my stress level has gone way down.   there are still things that I hope for her, but they aren't much different from my other kids which is a real blessing and real progress.  I dont know if she realizes how much I love her.  If I could I would take this from her.  I know we have been blessed by growth and understanding and compassion, and that she has learned how strong she can really be.  And I am grateful for those things, but I still would fix my baby if I could.  I really do pray for her and her future. She is in an okay place, and that is such a progress that I am thankful.  I know I am greedy.  But I am thankful and I am taking it one day at a time, and for right now  it is good.  Good for her, and for us, and I and thankful for that!  I hope she knows how please we are and how much we love her.

Update

Lauren has had some good weeks.  Almost two months.  Not perfect, but I mean really - she is doing well.  They changed her to a new medicine and she seems to be doing really well on it.  Her moods have stabilized a great deal.  And her impulsiveness has decreased greatly.  It has been so much easier to live with her.

She broke up with her boyfriend, which I see as a good thing.  I did have some concerns about it. Her feelings changed and she felt her was controlling.  He didn't want her seeing other boys.  Which to me is perfectly normal and not controlling.  You just can't have boy friends if you are in a relationship.  I hope eventually that lesson makes it through.  It is an important one, but for now it was good.  I don't think it was a good supportive relationship[ that would be healthy for either of them.  They have too many of the same issues.

She has been struggling with getting a job and getting going during the day.  She has pulled into a shell and spends all her time on a computer.  I have mixed feelings about that.  On the one hand it helps her deal with her loneliness but on the other, it also creates it.  She only stayed in school for two days.  Decided it wasn't for her, and then decided to get a job and take the GED.  She needs to get going on that.

She is still smoking, but she says she is decreasing the amount.  The new meds she is on, should also help with that.  I love  my daughter dearly, and this past two months have been nice.  I hope and pray she has been happier.  I hope also that she can make some forward moving decisions now that she is doing better.  I really do want the best for her!!!

Samantha

Little Blessings

The last few days, mainly a week have gone pretty well with Lauren.  I think she has seen a little of where she is heading and realizing she doesn't want to go there.  Her friendship with a girl around here has taken a hiatus and that is good.  She was not good for Lauren at all.  Very enabling and they both used each other terribly.  I know it leaves Lauren lonely, but if she can fill her time with uplifting things I am sure she can get a lot of her "good" friends back.  I know she feels that I think if all her friends were mormon things would be fine, but that isn't true.  I have a lot of friends that aren't mormon.  The real issue right now is she needs someone with a strong base who won't be swayed or put up with some of the stuff she does.

She seems to have made up with her cousin, which is good.  They have been pretty close their whole lives and the last few months (year) have been pretty dicey.  They have been texting and face-booking a lot which I am very glad for.  Lauren really needs some support and her cousin is a good influence.

Her relationship with her siblings is a little better right now.  Mainly because her actions are more stable.  I have certainly liked having her around a bit more.  I have noticed since she started this new medicine she isn't near as angry.  I hope it really has an effect on her and works.   We have talked about her getting a new therapist.  She likes her old one, but she let's Lauren get away with too much, and there are no set deadlines.  She feels like she does better when her therapist calls her out on her behavior.  She could be right.

All in all things are okay.  I am still waiting for her to make some major change, but who knows if or when that will come.  I know she is struggling with some decisions right now, and she puts things like that off and off.  I wish I  knew of a way to reach her and help her more than I can.  I sure do love her.

Frustration

The last few weeks have been so overwhelming.  Everyone says (books, therapists, experts) that it will get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can it get?  I already am so frustrated at trying to deal with her.  

Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1.  Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus.  They want her to deal with her issues before coming back!  (HAHA).  I can't force her out, or get her out before then.  Then she isn't tired come bed time.  Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room.  it is 12.  I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with.  Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew.  I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here.   She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her.  Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home.  It's 1 AM.  I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door.    She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that.  Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't.  So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.

I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult.  For all of us.  I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it.  All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble.  And that is the honest truth!!!!  She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share.  She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings.  She is just so difficult to live with.  God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now.  I am strung really thin right now.

She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her.   I didn't but sometimes it is so hard.  And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her.  There is just no winning no matter what I do.

What is right?

I have recently had a dilemma in how to deal with Lauren.  Things have not changed much.  In fact just last week she took all of my Ambien that was left out for a few minutes.  You have to take a LOT of ambien to overdose, so all she really did is sleep for two days straight.    When she has good days they are wonderful days, if she is a bit hyper happy.  But when she doesn't the reactions are so overblown and reactive.  It is really quite sad.  I worry about her only having two moods lately.  Either hyper happy, or in the pits and angry.

The dilemma comes up in how to raise (Or try to raise her) and how to advise our other children interact with her.  I am sure I take the overly caring way, but in what I do I try to react as much as possible as Heavenly Father would.  He doesn't  give us special blessings when we are not living righteously, but he doesn't quit loving or understanding us, and he is always there with a hug or at least a feeling of a hug when we need it.    I try to live that was with Lauren.  Even though there are many things she has done that disappoint us or I know lead to her unhappiness I try to still be there for her.   Ian not so much.  He doesn't believe change will happen until she decides to make it so.  I agree with that, but I think our unwavering love is the thing that will lead her to make the change.  He feels that she really needs to hit bottom before she will change.  He tends to call her out on her mistakes more than I do, and expect recompense.

The problem as I see it is that she feels like he hates her.  I know that he is only trying to protect the boys from all of the damage that Lauren can cause.  Her brother was asking about how to deal with certain things and Ian said he should just not hang around her much.  I disagree completely.  I think Lauren really needs her brother and that he is a help to her.  I do however see that he has been doing some thing like Lauren.  But that isn't her fault as much as it is his.  Anyway......  Ian wants to protect the boys and I do to, but not at the expense of Lauren.  Which of us is right I don't know.  I wish there was a bit more peace about it.  Anyway.... Lauren is back at work tomorrow, so I hope things go well, and she remains a great employee!

No Change

Lauren is home, but I am not seeing much change. I feel badly because I was so hoping this last episode in DT would really make her think. It did while she was there, but the moment she got out she was back to old behavior. I'm not sure what it will take. The moment she got out she started being rude to me because I didn't have her boyfriends number so she could him. Her cousin was with us, and she was really upset by it. She got home, left her cousin and headed to Morgan. Came home late. I keep asking her if she is ready to have the talk, she mentioned while in DT, but no. She refuses. I think she is afraid is she talks about it she will feel she has to do it, this way she doesn't. We got home here and she has been constantly with friends, taking offense at everything said. She and he dad are having some issues. He is tired of it all and just trying to protect the rest from her damage, and that causes him to be critical at times. She of course takes that hard and it really hurts her feelings. I wish I could negotiate a peace between them, but until Ian sees any changes he is tired of it all, and Lauren isn't changing. I am worried about her. Her reliance on friends and especially her boyfriend are very scary. If it should not work out, I don't know what she will do. I am scared she will try to commit suicide and maybe succeed.  I wish the changes would come.  I don't think she is very happy, and I really would want happiness for her.

She was given a huge fine to pay and let off pretty easy.  I guess that is good and bad.

Should I really know the legal system this well?!

Yep, here we go again.  Lauren hasn't done to well while we have been in Utah.  While her dad and I were away she took total advantage of her grandma and just did whatever  she wanted.  I was so upset at her total disregard for her grandma's feelings.  We got home and not a day later she takes her Uncles car without permission.  And with no license.  Of course it was reported and she was arrested.  Now she is in detention.  She hates it there, which is good, but she hasn't really had a change of heart, just hates it there.  Her only options so far to change her life is death.  Which really isn't a good option.

She did try to suffocate her self with a plastic bag while she was there, and got put in the holding room. That is a room with constant eye contact, no lights out and nothing but you and a pillow and your mattress.  She didn't like that either.

Today was her detention hearing.    They wouldn't release her to us, but they did give her a speedy trial date, this Wednesday so we can get that over with.  However, Ian has been out of town for so long that he needed to get back to normal work so he took all the boys and headed home.  I will stay till the come back in July.  I will also go to court with Lauren.  Her uncle dropped the charges, but that doesn't mean that the court will.  The prosecutor gets to make that choice now.  I have a meeting with him right before her court hearing.

It would be great if this caused Lauren to hit bottom, and realize that she has to make some substantial and lasting changes in her life.  It would be great if this could do that, but so far that is not the case.  She has however more than likely lost her job as I don't think they will hold it for her until the middle of July.  What a mess.

I love Lauren.  I want her to be happy.  I wish she could see that even though daily therapy is a royal pain in the butt, it is easier than jail, or death, or unhappiness.  But so far she hasn't caught on.  Hopefully some day she will.

Samantha

Utah

We came home for a visit to family and friends for most of the month of June.  Lauren is struggling.  She has insisted on spending every free moment with friends doing something, or hanging out.  She has to be involved in something constantly, no down time.  I am sure she is smoking cigarettes.  Don't know about drugs.  She has been puking a lot, not eating, and had the runs, so I wonder if she is doing something unhealthy for her weight, bingeing as well.   In spite of spending all her time with friends she is not happy.  It is very apparent that she is unhappy.  Yet in trying to get her to hang out with family, is pulling teeth and worse.

She wants nothing to do with any of us, and simply wants to go back to Colorado.  Problem is, it won't be any better.  She does have her job, but other than that, she has alienated most of her friends there as well.  So what do you do when you have driven them all away, and there isn't much left.  I would hope that you realize what you are doing and make a change.  A real honest change, and not just a day or two to smooth things over and then go back to behavior that just doesn't work.

I wish I  could do more than just pray for her and try to be there for her without supporting her negative behaviors.  She is headed for a real pit and I can't stop it.  I am not going to save her again this time.  She has to learn on her own, and  each time we have tried to save her brings a temporary change with no lasting results.  It has to come from her and not from us.  I do love her and want to see her happy and content in life, but I don't think that is going to come any time soon.

 I believe that she can do it.  I know she has the strength inside of her.  Maybe not to completely overcome all of her problems.  She will struggle with certain things her whole life.  I struggle with depression a lot.  However, it doesn't consume my life for the most part.  I think if she really tried she would be like that.  But I am not sure she will.  It is hard to change.  I know this.  I struggle with stuff myself.  But sometimes you have to change.  Sometimes your options are just not good to stay where you are at.  But only you can make that choice, not one else.  And she is to that point where only she can decide where she is going to go in the future.  We are here for her.  She has therapy if she chooses.  She has the church if she chooses.  She has moral support, monetary support, love and  prayers.  But she has to choose it.

In one way I have gained a stronger understanding of certain things.  I always wondered why God requires you to ask for most of the things you need.  He doesn't just step in and try to help when things are going badly, even if you want him to.  You have to ask.  Two reasons.  First you need to gain some wisdom and understanding from you experiences and secondly......  You have to truly want to be helped in order to make a change.  If he just stepped in nothing would change.  But by your asking for it, he knows that you truly do want and need his help, and he then can give it to you with you true and honest efforts.    That is what is needed.

Anyway.......  Ian and I are supposed to go away on a trip this coming week.  I hope we will truly get to go.  Not sure what will happen with Lauren.  Given her actions of the past two days we may have to cancel it.  I will have really hard feelings towards her if we do.  We haven't been away for years because of all that  has happened with Lauren.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Samantha

Lauren is Home

Lauren came home the end of April. We were so glad to have her back.  She did wonderfully the first week.  Was gung ho, cut off old friends, was just good.  Then things started falling apart again.  She contacted old druggie friends again, started smoking and just generally acting up.  She hasn't been violent this time around though.  So something must be different.  Don't know what, maybe the fact that she is off  recreational drugs for the most part.

Within the first two weeks she had run away twice again.  Police brought her home.  She decided to start again.  Then she fell again, and again, but each time she has started over again.  Or I guess picked herself up and kept trying.  I guess that is good.    It is certainly a change from before when she didn't care who she hurt, herself or anyone else.

I know she is struggling, and I know she is unhappy for the most part, but at  least she is still trying....that is progress.  She also got a job at the Subway near us and is doing an excellent job there.  She likes it and works hard and is responsible there etc.  It has been good for her and good for us.    She still isn't sure what she is going to do about school, or church....... but I am trying to be patient and see success where it is.

This weekend had some revelations for me.  I realized that my husbands reactions toward Lauren are all based on my reactions towards her.  It used to be that he could be calm when I wasn't and vice a versa.  But now if I am upset, he is.    He loves her, but he is trying to protect me more than help her.  I have real mixed feeling about that.  I think his first priority should be helping her, but  then I am also glad that he is so concerned about how it all effects me that his greatest desire is to cause me less harm, emotional of physical.

I also realized (again) that my job is to love.  She has been taught what is right and wrong, and she nows those principals.  She is aware of consequences and the gospel.  It is her job to act.  Lesson after lesson has shown me that the best way to get her back on the right path is to show it to her by example and love her regardless of what she does.  That is really difficult at times.  Not the loving, but to show that love.  Sometimes I just want to throttle her. I guess that is a natural human instinct, but of little use.

In spite of it all I am glad she is here, and I hope she continues trying and makes progress step by step, even if it is a little slower than I would like.  Again please keep all of us and especially her in your prayers.  She needs all the help she can get.  Me too!

Update

It's been a bit since I posted.  Lauren has been in Utah in a treatment center for her BPD.  They don't actually deal with BPD or treat it, but they do other stuff that seems to center her and help her to think straight.  In a lot of ways it is excellent for her, and in others it isn't.  They don't seem to understand her on some of her issues.  In face sometimes they confront her on things in a way that really shows they don't get it.  But all in all it has been good for her.  And the people there really care about her.

We got to spend Easter with her and family when we were home.  It went really well and she handled some problems very well.  It was a nice time to be home with family, and it was especially good to spend it with her.

Right now she is home.  She came home yesterday.  It is supposed to be for a week visit to see how we work things out and how she does, but if it goes well she will just stay here.  Not perfect just well.  Meaning she is really trying and not returning to old behaviors.  The insurance has pretty much said they think she is done and don't want to pay anymore and when she came home they essentially looked at it as thought she was discharged.  I'm okay with that.  I have missed her.  And I do want he here.

Yesterday she did pretty good, there were some issues where I think she put friends before family, but that isn't so unusual for a girl her age and especially with her disorder, and the girls she was with really are good girls.

My biggest concern for her is that she still hasn't given up on this boy from before.  I don't think he is a bad kid, but I don't think he is good for her.  He has too many similar issues and too many past problems.    He really cares for her and I am sure she cares for him too, but together they really can't support each other in healthy ways.  She isn't ready to see that for now, and at least she knows that for now there will be no contact.  He is in a treatment center for I don't know what right now.  She contacted him yesterday.  That was a concern to me.  I think my other concern is her being able to deal with closing back doors.  In other words not hanging out with and letting them no, she is not going to, friends that are not good for her.  Last night she did close a back door.  It was very difficult for her and the girl took it very badly which really hurt Lauren, but I think she realizes that she really can't help the girl because she isn't strong enough right now, and the girl isn't healthy.  It was sad, but she did a good job of it I think.    I am sure it was hard for her.

I struggled last night about how I should handle some things and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my job to tell her how to handle things.  It was my job to support her good decisions.  I think that turned out well.  I need to be more trustful and supportive of her and not try to micro manage her life which I have done in the past.  I hope we can both work on this and that things go well.  Anyway..... I am glad she is home.  I have missed her and love her.

Nice Weekend

This has been a really nice weekend. Not for any reason in particular; The boysI went to the Boy Scout Klondike campout (which was very non-Klondike -- temperatures in the 50s and more mud than snow) while Samantha stayed home with Ben and helped him get caught up on his homework. I was in some pain because I had a really nasty wipeout on my bike on Friday and have deep road rash all over my left thigh and hip. But it was still really nice. Seth and Chance had a really good time camping, Samantha and Ben both felt good about all they got done, church was pleasant and the house was... not exactly "peaceful", with all the roughhousing of the boys, but happy.

Over the last three years, our house is not one you would often call happy. Ben's being gone so much, and the nature of his absence, was bad, but the biggest source of stress has been Lauren. I feel guilty about it, but I find myself wondering if I really want her to come home. It's taken a month of her absence to get where I feel like we've finally all been able to relax far enough to be the family we really are, rather than a group of people who are all wound a little too tight by tension, frustration and anger.

Further, I'm really wanting to see what we can make of it with even more time. Maybe we can get Ben moving forward with more confidence into the adult world which is scaring him so much right now. Maybe we can get Seth settled into a new routine in school and we can finally have one kid who manages a normal teenage life, complete with some (good!) friends, school activities, dances, plans for college, etc. Maybe we can help Chance learn to deal with his explosive temper, get his weight under control, maybe get into some sports, and prepare him to have a better teenage experience than Ben and Lauren had.

I don't know for sure what's going to happen when Lauren comes back, but I am pretty sure that it won't all be smooth sailing, that she'll once again be demanding most of our attention. I'm hopeful that she'll do better. Actually, I'm confident that she will, at least for a while. But her emotion disorder is not something that just gets "fixed", by any amount of treatment.

The only way past her problems is through them, and that means there is going to be a lot more strife and heartache -- far more for her than for us. I ache to think what she's going through and will have to go through in years to come. I think she's in a really good place right now, focused on the right things, and with a really clear understanding of what she needs. It won't last once she's dropped back into real life, though, where she has to deal with people who not only aren't supportive but are downright vicious, and the emotion storms they will trigger. She's going to have to learn to fight her way through that, to find her stability and peace in spite of the world, and it's going to be extremely hard.

I love her very much, and so badly want her to succeed. I really want to help her succeed, and I want her to be back home with us and to share our lives. At the same time, I dread it, and I feel guilty for dreading it. I feel sorry for what she goes through, and I feel sorry for the boys and the damage that having always stressed-out parents does them. Chance in particular is full of anxieties, insecurities and anger, caused in large part by our inability to deal adequately with the stress.

Nephi promised us that the Lord will never give us a trial that is more than we can bear, but this is a test that I feel like we fail. I fail. As the house has de-stressed, I realize how angry and reclusive I've so often been. I haven't taken it out on the boys in any overt ways, but I haven't been there like I should. I take refuge in the intellectual challenges posed by my job, and at home I hide out in my room or in the tub and escape into fiction, or math puzzles, or TV shows. At this point, it's a hard pattern to break, but at least I find myself wanting to hang out with the boys, and that's a big change. Their loud, rough play makes me smile rather than driving me nuts.

I guess that's what really tears me up. I want Lauren to come home and be part of a healing, happier family -- if still a very imperfect one. I'd love to have a few really great months before Ben leaves us to go on a mission (assuming he gets approval). But I dread what it will be like if things go badly for her, and I hate even to write that because it gives the impression that I'm not equally anxious to have her home, and to see her succeed. But I am!

So, I'm anxious to have her advance in the Life Line program, and to see her return home with new focus and new energy, but I don't want her to come home for a while yet. I don't think we've completely re-grounded ourselves yet; a month hasn't been enough. And even when she's ready and we're ready, I know I'm going to look at her return with a great deal of trepidation to go with the joy -- and I hope my fears don't damage her chances of success. That's a real risk.

The boys are looking at it the same way, I think. They miss her, but are also enjoying the calmer, smoother life without her, and enjoying less ornery parents.

However, right now I need not to think about all of that. It's been a good weekend and the week coming up looks to be more good days, if very busy, as we prepare for our trip to D.C. on Thursday. We're going to have a great time with the boys, and with Breanna, Sam's niece. We'll miss Lauren, and wish she was there to see and do all of the cool things we're going to do. Hopefully both parts of that -- happy family times and missing Lauren -- will help us to de-stress and deconflict, so that by the time she's ready to come home in a few weeks, we'll be ready to welcome her with open arms, and willing and able to do our utmost to help her succeed at life.

Ian

Life Line

Lots has happened since I wrote last.  Lauren got so out of control that the state placed on a 72 hour hold and then transfered her to an acute psychiatric unit, which she stayed at WAY TOO LONG.  Then she made matters worse by Stealing our car, running away, and hurting me.  She was again placed on another 72 hour hold, and then transferred to a Residential Treatment Center in Utah called Lifeline.

I like the place.  She has been there before, and the staff really care and know her.  I am not sure she will get much out of it, but I am not sure she would get much out of any place.  And given that the places here wanted to be able to physically restrain her if necessary (pretty common with most of their clients) I am not sure I wanted her there.  She hasn't really been violent except for the past 6 months with Ian and I.    I am wondering if it is caused by the birth control we had put in her arm.  It is pretty much all progesterone, which can cause violence in some patients.

Anyway..... Lauren is lonely.  I know this, and I feel badly for it.  I wish she were here, but I also think this time away is good for both of us.  She needs to calm down, take some time to work on her issues, and she is safe for the moment.  She was not before.  And hopefully it will help her see that you don't have to be constantly with someone in order for them to continue to love you.  We still love her and miss her, and want her back.  Maybe it will help her realize she misses us too.  On our end it gives us some time to spend quality time with the boys and regroup and re think and recoup.  

I have done a lot of reading lately, and have been working through some of my own issues as well.  It is amazing to me that I was able to think that all of our issues were about her.  They are so totally not.  I realize that some of the ways I deal with things are just as harmful as her ways, at least mentally.

So we are all working.  If you can keep Lauren in your prayers.  And if you get a chance write to her and let her know you  are thinking about her.    For now, things are pretty calm.  I am really praying and hoping that this time helps.  One must never give up!

Samantha.

When Hope is Not Enough

That is the title of a book I am reading.  IT has some good stuff.  I do feel as though I understand Lauren, but understanding her and being able to guide and parent her are two different things.  They had a list in the book that helps one to understand why they act why they act.

First of all it is not the action that causes the problem.  It is their reaction to the problem.  Because they tend to have dysregulated emotions (essentially meaning they don't perceive something that happened the same way most people do)  their emotional reactions  are in line with what they perceived.  So the way in which we react to their emotions becomes a second nature to us, and often is dysregulated as well.  Example:  I tell Lauren no she can't hang out with friends because her homework isn't done.  She hears it as you are stupid, you can't even do your homework.  This makes her first  feel sad, them shameful, then mad --because she can't handle sad or shame.  Anger wins and with anger comes attacking.  So she yells at me and reacts as though I had insulted her and defamed her.  That makes me angry and I yell back, and it becomes personal and it escalates.  So the trick is to be able to detach her reaction from mine.  Not so easy, but something I have to work on.

The list was here.  It is  very informative in helping to understand her reactions to things.

1.  All time is in the present.  If something makes me feel bad now, it is linked directly to the greatest pain I ever experienced -- and that pain is happening now too.  Time can't heal any wounds because time never really passes.  everything - past, present and future in NOW.

2.  If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living.  Therefore, admitting I am wrong - or that I did something to hurt someone - feels like committing suicide.  I don't really want to die, so I can't acknowledge I am wrong, even to myself.

3.  I am wrong means I AM wrong.  It's not about what I did, it's about who I am.  This is also true of other people.  If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable.  If I  do/did something wrong I am broken.

4.  I am constantly being judged by people who don't understand my situation, including myself.  And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death.  See #2

5. Memories are the files in the mental cabinet.  But because i am always being judged, I need to use those files like a lawyer.  Therefor only the memories that suit my current feeling will be called up.  Those that present evidence that contradicts what I am feeling will not be considered admissible, or they will be doctored to preserve my innocence.  Again it is and matter of life or death.

6.  I am like a ship with a thin, fragile hull.  Any hole will sink me.  Therefore anything that approaches near enough is a danger and must be kept away at all costs.

7. Everyone is just an extension of me - so if I can't control them, it means I can't control myself.  Likewise when someone steps outside my control I lose control.

8. I cannot bear pain - therefore I must find someone else to bear it for me.  If they don't take my pain I will be crushed literally.

9. If I take responsibility for making something happen, I will have to deal with disappointment.  At some point, it won't work and that means I will have been wrong, which will feel like death, so I can't risk responsibility.

10.  Relationships are attractive, but will end in disappointment.  They are like cigarettes and drugs, soothing at first but they'll kill you.  This makes them toxic.

11.I was abused and need shelter.  But whatever shelter I run to, they will eventually abuse me, so I must be constantly on guard.  If I let my guard down I will be abused again.  There is only one thing that leads to abuse -- trust.

12.  Asking me to be calm in the face of what I see is danger is like asking the scarecrow to not be afraid when the Wicked Witch hold up the burning broom.

13.  Thought is reality.  If I think of something it is already done.  If someone else mention something they have already made it happen.

14.  Anyone who wants something wants it right now, including me.  All needs must be satisfied instantly, or something is wrong.  And wrong means death.

15.  I would never hurt me or anyone else.  Therefore is that occurs it mean someone other than me did it.

16.  The way the world works is cause and effect.  If I feel a certain way, I will find a cause for it that does not involve me, because otherwise I would be judged as wrong and wrong is death.

17.  Other people created the shame I carry.  Therefore only other people can remove it.  I was rendered powerless to do anything about it.  I need them to make me better.

18.  The world is how I feel.  Anything that does not reflect/support my feeling must be annihilated.  When it comes to feelings and ideas other than what I experience I am like the taliban.  Those who threaten me must be removed from y midst.

19.  If you agree with me you agree with my feelings, which ARE me.  If you disagree with me, you disagree with my feelings which are me, which makes ME wrong.

20.  There is not greater weakness than vulnerability. Open yourself up and you will e exposed.  if you are exposed you must rely on trust which is the cause of abuse.

So everything is rooted in the present, and my feelings are me, and if I am wrong then I AM wrong.   Even if actual abuse hasn't happened, and emotional invalidation feels like it because it invalidates their very nature of being.

This actually helps me understand of lot of why she acts as she does, but it is so had to know how to help.  And the few tips I do have and am trying are slow in working.    Hopefully this book will help.

Samantha

Bad Parenting - we are the experts

So last night after Lauren gets out of her personal session with her therapist I ask her what they talked about.  She never tells me details just ideas, which is okay.  I would like more, but at least she is sharing a little.  She tells me, while I've taken her a nice place to eat, that she isn't going to tell me anymore.  She and her therapist think that I over react to everything she says and take all of the therapists advice to the extreme.  She has no privacy whatsoever and this is private and she doesn't have to tell and is not going to. She is not in therapy for us, she is in therapy for her.  Our only job is to pay for it.

Lauren has said many things before so I am not sure any of this is true of not.  However...... In my own defense I would like to say.... Dealing with her on a day to day basis is very difficult.  She gets away with more than any of our other kids.  We allow her freedoms that our other kids would never dream of having.  On top of this she has the least responsibility of anyone in our home, including her 10 year old brother.  I run her places, buy her stuff, even when she has overspent her allowance.  I try to show her daily how much I love her, and it is never enough. I try to spend 1/2 hour with her, just talking, visiting, doing homework, or whatever, and she claims it is intrusive and that we need less time together.  She does not share with us.  Yes, we search her room.  I have found stolen medications in there.  Hoarded medications in there, razor blades in there, pot pipes. So no she doesn't have that privacy. Same with Facebook and e-mail.  Both have been used too many times for sexting, creating drama, or suicide threats, or even searching for ways to commit suicide.  So no, she has no privacy there.  Yes we monitor her phone.  Sex has been an issue for her, along with just plain drama, and her phone has been a major instigator of a lot of that.  Even though she is not supposed to erase texts - she does often, and yet she still has her phone.  It we take it away it is because we are unreasonable.

Power Struggles.  Essentially Lauren thinks that in a power struggle the point is to let her have her way.  She says she is willing to reach some middle ground.  Well it depends on the thing to begin with.  If we don't feel firmly about it, she usually gets her way just to avoid a power struggle.  The only time there is one, is when we stand our ground.  And then we are to meet her half way, which isn't a solution, it is just her always getting her way.

I have three boys.  One with ADD and learning disabilities, one with ADD, who is finding his introduction to teenage hood difficult as his parents are constantly trying to put out fires created by his sister, and have little time or patience left over for normal teenage drama,  and a younger son with ADHD.  I am stretched thin, and when Lauren doesn't get what she wants, right now, this instant, she throws a fit, and throws up the you don't care, or love me card.  Then she proceeds to make everyone's life as miserable as possible.  My husband is working many hours right now.  As this is his first year on the job, he needs to prove his worth, and is often not home to deal with the kids or issues.  The few times he does step in is when it is so out of control for me that  I can't deal with it.  Lauren and his relationship is pretty much in a shambles regardless of his love and care for her.  I am stretched to my limit, and am finding it hard to just keep up with the day to day issues myself.

I try to apply what we have talked about, and then I get messages like today that we are stifling her freedoms, and privacy and have no right to information regarding her treatment.  I agree she is not in therapy for us, but for her.  However that doesn't mean that we don't want to help her.  I love my daughter immensely.  More than she will ever understand, but she is hurting me more that she knows, and it is taking its effects not only in my mental health but in my physical health as well.  I have chronic Kidney Disease and in the last few months my creatinine levels have risen a lot.  Stress is not good for my kidneys, but I am at a loss as to how to prevent it given what we are dealing with constantly.

If you want to know the truth.  I am at a loss as to what to do next.  I think things are going along for a week or so okay and then she drops a bomb like this in my lap.  It seems to me  that if I suggest some way to help Lauren with her therapy, it makes it an automatic thing NOT  to do.  If I feel she would benefit from some program or activity, then she definitely WON"T. She says we don't care about her and only try to control her life so ours don't look bad.  In response I see a girl who if she doesn't' get what she wants, when she wants, throws tizzy fits, makes everyones life miserable, and has an attitude of it's my way or go to hell.  No one else's desires or wants in this life matter except for hers.

While I realize that a lot of this is from years of negative self talking, and from bad thinking patterns that came as a result of certain abusive situations, and I can understand that, it doesn't make the attacks any less hurtful.  There is not a day go by that I don't get told she hates me.  Not a day that she doesn't yell at me.  That she says I am intrusive because I would like to be aware of what is happening in her life.  And the worst things she keeps saying is that she needs time away from us to solve her problems and the expects us to find someone to take her.  No one on either sides of our family would be willing to take her.  They have seen how she acts.  Furthermore, I don't see how her being away from family repairs the family situation at all.  

Anyway....... I do think I need to know what the appointment is about so I can help her with it during the week.  She never gives me details and even if I asked she wouldn't.  I'm not asking for a play by play.  I am asking for what did you talk about, what kids of solutions did you come up with  and how can we implement them.  

Most of all I am tired of being the excuse for her miserable life.  I am tired of being made to feel like a terrible parent when I am trying to care for her and help her. 

Samantha

-- 

Havoc for the Holidays

We had quite the upheaval over the holidays.  It all started with pot pipes, and suicide notes and body piercings.  Things calmed down a little and we headed to Utah to visit family.  Upheaval again.  Refusal to obey simple basic family rules.  So our lovely Lauren decided that living somewhere else would be the way to go.  We allowed her to leave.  She found a friend's mom to stay with for a few days.  Eventually she decided that she wanted to come back home and that the rules weren't that bad.  Although we let her go, we were worried about her the whole time.  And even more we missed her.  Christmas has always been such a huge traditional thing in our family, and not having her there for games with family, seeing the lights at Christmas Village, the traditional pizza party, and such was heart breaking.  I missed her and worried about her.  I still enjoyed all of the activities with family and friends, and still tried to make it a nice time for my other kids, but I worried and missed her.  I was so glad when she decided she wanted to return to live with us.

The next few days were great.  Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was.  She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family.  I got a beautiful ornament she made.  And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in.  She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever.  I think she made it so, for us and her.  Everyone got a gift and a  note about how they were an influence of good in her life.  It was very nice and very thoughtful.  When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart.  I have said she has a good heart and it is so true.  She brought a lot of joy to people this day.  And I think she was truly happy as well.

After Christmas she made some bad choices.  The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home".  When asked why, she said to escape her life.  Drugs aren't just a flirtation.  She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem.  Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note.  And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note.   I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile.    We were finally able to work things out with her granny.  Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on.  She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough.  Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds.  It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month.  Those stolen can't be replaced.  Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.

The second bad choice.  Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren.  They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful.  In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once.  That is over 500 mg of Morphine.  She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER.  They immediately put her on an anti-opiate.  The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating.  She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing.  Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again.  So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.

I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed.  At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in.  You are so angry that this has happened again.  You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead.  You wonder how many times will she be lucky.  You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it.  You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it.  Only her and the doctors that she interacts with.  As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling.  At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short.  They have been getting shorter and shorter.  What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better.  A new surge of energy to succeed.  The first time it was good two months afterwards.  The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down.   This time lasted about 2 days.

Ian and I went home.  He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work.  He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath.  I feel isolated at those times.  I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders.  While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone.  My sister was so good to me this time.  She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day.  Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life.  We were lucky this time.  They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist.  Which she did.  Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it.  Only get to pay for it.

Again the next few days were fine.  We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall.  On the last day of being home it fell.  Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa.  We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused.  She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her.  He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her.  She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him.  He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened.  She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard.  Really hard.  I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control.  He insisted he wasn't.  I knew she was hurt.  She broke her collarbone.  She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian  has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him.  My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control.  It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later.  And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking.  I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt.  And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse.  I can't handle that.  I worry about that.  Lauren has accused him of abuse before.

Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays.  Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional.    I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven.  But so often home is not.  Home is a battle ground.  I hate it.  It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers.  We are all scarred from it.  But how do you change it.  What more can one do.  We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of.  We strive to live religious standards in our home.  We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities.  And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken.  You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.

Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do.  I know that Ian is.  I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach.  I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated.  I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that.  Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings.  I know that God loves her.  I know he can help her if she will let him.

In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season.  The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me.  Their support and love means so much to me.  To not feel alone in this struggle.  I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home.  I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others.  Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.

After we got home, things calmed down a bit.  We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school.  She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself.  The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here.  She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well.  It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through.  She is such a good person at heart.  I wish it would always shine through.  I wish she could always see it.  I wish she could always feel it.  I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.

I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I do know without them I would be lost.  I am also grateful for Ian.  He is my rock.  I love him more than anything.  I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me.  And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys.  I am glad in spite of it all to have my family.   I just need to remember that!

Love Samantha

Remembering is Hard

We have to continually remind ourselves that most of what she does that drives us crazy isn't by choice, exactly.

The really difficult thing about BPD is that BPD sufferers are rational. They think just as clearly and just as well as anyone. And Lauren is a really bright girl. The difference from everyone else is that they have these unbelievably extreme negative emotions. So when she's mad at you, she really hates you, deeply, bitterly, implacably. Add to that a lot of persistent misperceptions about the world (which also come from the emotion disorder) and about her place in it, and what you get is a situation where that intelligence is exercised in deliberately destructive ways.

So she does choose to do the things she does. But she makes those choices in the grip of overpowering emotions that make the choices seem reasonable to her, even though to the rest of us they may be foolish, unbelievably selfish or viciously spiteful.

Another less obvious effect that I've begun to realize is that when she's in the grip of powerful emotions, she assumes everyone else is, too, and filters her perception of their reactions accordingly. It makes sense, actually, if you have a bitter hatred of a person, you're going to interpret everything they do in a very negative light. If they're kind, they're faking, or setting you up. If they're cruel, their true colors are showing.

This all makes borderlines harder to deal with than someone who is outright delusional. In one way it's worse than bipolar disorder too, because while bipolars have radical mood swings, they're basically random. BPD mood swings are intimately connected to what's going on around them (though not always in obvious ways), and that connection makes the behavior seem more... deliberate. Intentional. And it fools people into believing that if they can only do the "right" things, they can avoid the explosion, because the cause and effect are clear, if not what normal people would expect. But it never quite works; no matter what you give the borderline it's never quite enough and the screaming fits and the vicious attacks always come eventually. It gets very hard to continue being understanding.

To that you have to add basically zero sense of "self". A borderline finds it nearly impossible to maintain any sort of consistency, especially in the area of personal integrity or morality. There is no core self to hold onto such values, or at least not a very effective one, mainly because of yet another key characteristic: self-hatred. It's hard to maintain a firm hold on a sense of self when you're convinced that whatever you are is worthless and hateful. That self-opinion is constantly reinforced by all of the crazy things done in the grip of intense emotions, and by the inability to maintain personal integrity and morality. It's a vicious cycle.

The inconstancy, of course, helps drives people away, further feeding the self-hatred and triggering more bouts of crazy emotions and additional series of bad decisions. Another vicious cycle. Or another aspect of the same one.

Anyway, we know all of this. We sometimes forget it. Heck, we often forget it. But we do know it, too well to let us just throw her out the door.