Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Havoc for the Holidays

We had quite the upheaval over the holidays.  It all started with pot pipes, and suicide notes and body piercings.  Things calmed down a little and we headed to Utah to visit family.  Upheaval again.  Refusal to obey simple basic family rules.  So our lovely Lauren decided that living somewhere else would be the way to go.  We allowed her to leave.  She found a friend's mom to stay with for a few days.  Eventually she decided that she wanted to come back home and that the rules weren't that bad.  Although we let her go, we were worried about her the whole time.  And even more we missed her.  Christmas has always been such a huge traditional thing in our family, and not having her there for games with family, seeing the lights at Christmas Village, the traditional pizza party, and such was heart breaking.  I missed her and worried about her.  I still enjoyed all of the activities with family and friends, and still tried to make it a nice time for my other kids, but I worried and missed her.  I was so glad when she decided she wanted to return to live with us.

The next few days were great.  Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was.  She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family.  I got a beautiful ornament she made.  And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in.  She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever.  I think she made it so, for us and her.  Everyone got a gift and a  note about how they were an influence of good in her life.  It was very nice and very thoughtful.  When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart.  I have said she has a good heart and it is so true.  She brought a lot of joy to people this day.  And I think she was truly happy as well.

After Christmas she made some bad choices.  The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home".  When asked why, she said to escape her life.  Drugs aren't just a flirtation.  She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem.  Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note.  And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note.   I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile.    We were finally able to work things out with her granny.  Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on.  She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough.  Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds.  It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month.  Those stolen can't be replaced.  Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.

The second bad choice.  Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren.  They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful.  In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once.  That is over 500 mg of Morphine.  She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER.  They immediately put her on an anti-opiate.  The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating.  She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing.  Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again.  So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.

I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed.  At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in.  You are so angry that this has happened again.  You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead.  You wonder how many times will she be lucky.  You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it.  You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it.  Only her and the doctors that she interacts with.  As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling.  At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short.  They have been getting shorter and shorter.  What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better.  A new surge of energy to succeed.  The first time it was good two months afterwards.  The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down.   This time lasted about 2 days.

Ian and I went home.  He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work.  He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath.  I feel isolated at those times.  I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders.  While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone.  My sister was so good to me this time.  She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day.  Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life.  We were lucky this time.  They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist.  Which she did.  Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it.  Only get to pay for it.

Again the next few days were fine.  We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall.  On the last day of being home it fell.  Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa.  We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused.  She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her.  He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her.  She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him.  He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened.  She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard.  Really hard.  I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control.  He insisted he wasn't.  I knew she was hurt.  She broke her collarbone.  She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian  has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him.  My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control.  It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later.  And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking.  I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt.  And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse.  I can't handle that.  I worry about that.  Lauren has accused him of abuse before.

Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays.  Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional.    I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven.  But so often home is not.  Home is a battle ground.  I hate it.  It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers.  We are all scarred from it.  But how do you change it.  What more can one do.  We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of.  We strive to live religious standards in our home.  We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities.  And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken.  You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.

Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do.  I know that Ian is.  I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach.  I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated.  I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that.  Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings.  I know that God loves her.  I know he can help her if she will let him.

In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season.  The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me.  Their support and love means so much to me.  To not feel alone in this struggle.  I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home.  I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others.  Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.

After we got home, things calmed down a bit.  We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school.  She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself.  The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here.  She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well.  It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through.  She is such a good person at heart.  I wish it would always shine through.  I wish she could always see it.  I wish she could always feel it.  I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.

I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I do know without them I would be lost.  I am also grateful for Ian.  He is my rock.  I love him more than anything.  I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me.  And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys.  I am glad in spite of it all to have my family.   I just need to remember that!

Love Samantha

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