Utah

We came home for a visit to family and friends for most of the month of June.  Lauren is struggling.  She has insisted on spending every free moment with friends doing something, or hanging out.  She has to be involved in something constantly, no down time.  I am sure she is smoking cigarettes.  Don't know about drugs.  She has been puking a lot, not eating, and had the runs, so I wonder if she is doing something unhealthy for her weight, bingeing as well.   In spite of spending all her time with friends she is not happy.  It is very apparent that she is unhappy.  Yet in trying to get her to hang out with family, is pulling teeth and worse.

She wants nothing to do with any of us, and simply wants to go back to Colorado.  Problem is, it won't be any better.  She does have her job, but other than that, she has alienated most of her friends there as well.  So what do you do when you have driven them all away, and there isn't much left.  I would hope that you realize what you are doing and make a change.  A real honest change, and not just a day or two to smooth things over and then go back to behavior that just doesn't work.

I wish I  could do more than just pray for her and try to be there for her without supporting her negative behaviors.  She is headed for a real pit and I can't stop it.  I am not going to save her again this time.  She has to learn on her own, and  each time we have tried to save her brings a temporary change with no lasting results.  It has to come from her and not from us.  I do love her and want to see her happy and content in life, but I don't think that is going to come any time soon.

 I believe that she can do it.  I know she has the strength inside of her.  Maybe not to completely overcome all of her problems.  She will struggle with certain things her whole life.  I struggle with depression a lot.  However, it doesn't consume my life for the most part.  I think if she really tried she would be like that.  But I am not sure she will.  It is hard to change.  I know this.  I struggle with stuff myself.  But sometimes you have to change.  Sometimes your options are just not good to stay where you are at.  But only you can make that choice, not one else.  And she is to that point where only she can decide where she is going to go in the future.  We are here for her.  She has therapy if she chooses.  She has the church if she chooses.  She has moral support, monetary support, love and  prayers.  But she has to choose it.

In one way I have gained a stronger understanding of certain things.  I always wondered why God requires you to ask for most of the things you need.  He doesn't just step in and try to help when things are going badly, even if you want him to.  You have to ask.  Two reasons.  First you need to gain some wisdom and understanding from you experiences and secondly......  You have to truly want to be helped in order to make a change.  If he just stepped in nothing would change.  But by your asking for it, he knows that you truly do want and need his help, and he then can give it to you with you true and honest efforts.    That is what is needed.

Anyway.......  Ian and I are supposed to go away on a trip this coming week.  I hope we will truly get to go.  Not sure what will happen with Lauren.  Given her actions of the past two days we may have to cancel it.  I will have really hard feelings towards her if we do.  We haven't been away for years because of all that  has happened with Lauren.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Samantha