It has been more than a year, about a year and 1/2 since I last posted. Lots and lots has occurred. Lauren got pregnant and lost the baby. The D&C went poorly and she had to have a second operation. She was in the hospital at the same time my mother was, and it was hectic. Lauren got engaged. She and her boyfriend, Quinn, lived with us for a while. Then they moved back to his grandma's house. They have lived there since. She and Quinn got married this past May. She is happy and he is happy. At least as happy as they ever were. We have a nice wedding ceremony for them and a reception here at our house. They still fight and I can't say they are the happiest of couples, but they understand and know each other and went into this marriage with open eyes. We told them both that Marriage was forever and not something you get out of when your angry or let things slide. You have to work on it and make it work. Lauren doesn't come around as much as I wish she would. We have a good, but distant relationship. She calls whenever she needs help or there is a problem. She comes when she needs something, or wants to do something with us. She never comes just to visit.
Both she and Quinn have jobs right now. I hope and pray they keep them because they need them. Emotionally I see a lot of growth in Lauren. As far as I know she is off drugs. The only drug she was on was marijuana, and right now she is clean. I know she would like to move back to Colorado where it is legal. She hasn't tried to commit suicide in quite some time, and she has gotten a lot better at calming down and apologizing for her over reactions. She isn't set off quite as easily either. Of course I'm not with her everyday, not even regularly, so not sure if things have changed a lot, or it's just the not day to day thing.
My relationship with her is much better. Her dad's relationship with her is better, though she is still constantly wanting his approval. She has a great relationship with her youngest brother, Chase. Stilted with Seth, in fact I think she likes Seth the least. And a passing relationship with Ben. I think Ben is pretty amazing. He has forgiven Lauren for so many issues she caused and he ended up being punished for. He doesn't go out of his way to interact with her, but he never avoids her. Seth doesn't avoid her either, but he isn't good about keeping his opinion to himself and sticking up for himself, and he doesn't take anything from her, so it's a tense relationship and she is sure that he is constantly judging her. For the most part they all get along. Better than it was. She went on a trip with us as a family to Disneyworld and that was nice. All of my kids together for one last hurrah. It went okay too. No fighting, no issues. Our family is doing better.
There are still things that Lauren is stuck in. Things like pushing people away. Things like blaming everyone else. Things like deliberately not trying so failure won't hurt. But in lots of way she has progressed and moved forward. I am proud of her. I love her.
So...... After she lost the baby it was hard. It's funny.... I went from not wanting it, to feeling really badly that it was gone. But I do feel it was the best thing for the baby. She was not ready for a child and Neither was Quinn. From January till May Lauren was so happy. She was so excited to get married and she made a beautiful bride. I am happy for her. I think the wedding meant more to her than perhaps Quinn. I think she thought that now things would change. They were a couple so he was going to take care of her and become an adult, but that isn't how he was raised, and so I think there were some expectations that couldn't be reached. They seem to have worked through them though.
In March of this year her Granny died. She made it to the viewing, but the funeral was too much and she left. I have to admit that hurt as well. It was a hard day for me and I hoped she would be able to put her own needs aside for that time, but it worked out well anyway. I know she feels ostracized in the Mormon Community. Part of that is probably true, and part is not. Yes people do stare and they probably think things, but I really doubt they glare at her or treat her differently. Of course Lauren has one arm completely tattooed, and the other arm has a band. Two behind her ears, one on her neck and one on her leg. And probably more. She also has multiple piercings and gauges. You don't see those things often in Mormon churches, but I don't think people are rude. However they do probably stare. I often wonder though why she takes offense because she had to know when she did all this to her body that the reaction in a conservative community wasn't going to be great, you look good, and hurray for you. It's unusual and people notice. They are after all human. I must say I love her natural beauty more as well, but they are just things, they aren't her. She seems to think they are her though. But they aren't. They are simply things.
She turned 21 this past June. Legal in every way. I hope she realized everyday how special she is. How much she is loved. How many people are praying and cheering for her and for her success. She is making it and moving forward and I am proud of her for the progress she is making. She is striving, and that is all we all can do. If you still read this Lauren...... I LOVE YOU!!
Love Samantha
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