Downward Spiral

The past few weeks I have watched as Lauren has been on a downward spiral.  It went much faster than expected.  She went from upbeat and happy to irritated, and then taking offense at everything, being the victim, everyone hating her and disliking her, reading peoples minds and personalizing everything.  It was never outward expressed violently as in the past, but more of a slow spiral with nothing major happening, until it happened.  About a week ago she told her boyfriend that she was cutting and suicidal.  He tried to talk to me and she refused.  So they called 911, and they called me.  She was out on a walk by that time.  Then she disappeared   They called the cops and we spent most of the night looking for her.    When she came home the next day she was covered in cuts on her legs and arms, about 200-300 I would guess.  She had taken some razor blades and cut herself everywhere.  I can't fathom how that makes one feel better.  Logically I have read about it, but emotionally I just don't get it.  Anyway...... The cops came and told her she either had to go to her therapist or she had to go to the hospital.  she was in an ornery mood and refused to talk to anyone including a therapist so I took her to the hospital and they put her in an acute ward until Yesterday.  She was upset about being there, but she also refused to talk or work to stop the downward spiral.

It is amazing how she goes to the ER and she perks up.  She is happy and upbeat, and it is evident that she craves attention and now she has it.  She knows everyone cares and loves her.  If is a self fulfilling wish, and yet such a dangerous one.  Even at the hospital for the first day or so it is the same, everyone concerned about Lauren... so she is so happy.  Then she realizes that it is gonna take work and that it is just their job and she hates it.  One would think she could remember that before she does something crazy.  I don't hink hospitalization does any good for her.  It fulfills her wants and wishes, even if they aren't conscious.

She came home yesterday and everything seems normal again like nothing ever happened.  I hope this time though she remembers that a lot of the coping skills she has been using are not good for her.  They aren't even skills, just a way of managing, but they only add to the problem and her guilt in the downward spiral.

I've learned some things from this last attempt, so I guess it hasn't been useless.  I need to stop shielding my other kids from all of the damage she causes, and the pain.  They need to be able to experience compassion and kindness and caring.   They can't do that if I am always shielding them from her actions and problems. And I need to accept that it is okay to cry, to weep, to be sad, to hurt, and that perhaps she needs to see that as well.She needs to realize that her actions affect more than just her.

I hope we are now on an upward swing.  She was doing well for so long.......  Hopefully this is just a blip and we continue up again.  I pray that is the case.

Samantha