Frustration

The last few weeks have been so overwhelming.  Everyone says (books, therapists, experts) that it will get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can it get?  I already am so frustrated at trying to deal with her.  

Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1.  Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus.  They want her to deal with her issues before coming back!  (HAHA).  I can't force her out, or get her out before then.  Then she isn't tired come bed time.  Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room.  it is 12.  I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with.  Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew.  I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here.   She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her.  Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home.  It's 1 AM.  I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door.    She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that.  Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't.  So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.

I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult.  For all of us.  I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it.  All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble.  And that is the honest truth!!!!  She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share.  She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings.  She is just so difficult to live with.  God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now.  I am strung really thin right now.

She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her.   I didn't but sometimes it is so hard.  And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her.  There is just no winning no matter what I do.