That is the title of a book I am reading. IT has some good stuff. I do feel as though I understand Lauren, but understanding her and being able to guide and parent her are two different things. They had a list in the book that helps one to understand why they act why they act.
First of all it is not the action that causes the problem. It is their reaction to the problem. Because they tend to have dysregulated emotions (essentially meaning they don't perceive something that happened the same way most people do) their emotional reactions are in line with what they perceived. So the way in which we react to their emotions becomes a second nature to us, and often is dysregulated as well. Example: I tell Lauren no she can't hang out with friends because her homework isn't done. She hears it as you are stupid, you can't even do your homework. This makes her first feel sad, them shameful, then mad --because she can't handle sad or shame. Anger wins and with anger comes attacking. So she yells at me and reacts as though I had insulted her and defamed her. That makes me angry and I yell back, and it becomes personal and it escalates. So the trick is to be able to detach her reaction from mine. Not so easy, but something I have to work on.
The list was here. It is very informative in helping to understand her reactions to things.
1. All time is in the present. If something makes me feel bad now, it is linked directly to the greatest pain I ever experienced -- and that pain is happening now too. Time can't heal any wounds because time never really passes. everything - past, present and future in NOW.
2. If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living. Therefore, admitting I am wrong - or that I did something to hurt someone - feels like committing suicide. I don't really want to die, so I can't acknowledge I am wrong, even to myself.
3. I am wrong means I AM wrong. It's not about what I did, it's about who I am. This is also true of other people. If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable. If I do/did something wrong I am broken.
4. I am constantly being judged by people who don't understand my situation, including myself. And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death. See #2
5. Memories are the files in the mental cabinet. But because i am always being judged, I need to use those files like a lawyer. Therefor only the memories that suit my current feeling will be called up. Those that present evidence that contradicts what I am feeling will not be considered admissible, or they will be doctored to preserve my innocence. Again it is and matter of life or death.
6. I am like a ship with a thin, fragile hull. Any hole will sink me. Therefore anything that approaches near enough is a danger and must be kept away at all costs.
7. Everyone is just an extension of me - so if I can't control them, it means I can't control myself. Likewise when someone steps outside my control I lose control.
8. I cannot bear pain - therefore I must find someone else to bear it for me. If they don't take my pain I will be crushed literally.
9. If I take responsibility for making something happen, I will have to deal with disappointment. At some point, it won't work and that means I will have been wrong, which will feel like death, so I can't risk responsibility.
10. Relationships are attractive, but will end in disappointment. They are like cigarettes and drugs, soothing at first but they'll kill you. This makes them toxic.
11.I was abused and need shelter. But whatever shelter I run to, they will eventually abuse me, so I must be constantly on guard. If I let my guard down I will be abused again. There is only one thing that leads to abuse -- trust.
12. Asking me to be calm in the face of what I see is danger is like asking the scarecrow to not be afraid when the Wicked Witch hold up the burning broom.
13. Thought is reality. If I think of something it is already done. If someone else mention something they have already made it happen.
14. Anyone who wants something wants it right now, including me. All needs must be satisfied instantly, or something is wrong. And wrong means death.
15. I would never hurt me or anyone else. Therefore is that occurs it mean someone other than me did it.
16. The way the world works is cause and effect. If I feel a certain way, I will find a cause for it that does not involve me, because otherwise I would be judged as wrong and wrong is death.
17. Other people created the shame I carry. Therefore only other people can remove it. I was rendered powerless to do anything about it. I need them to make me better.
18. The world is how I feel. Anything that does not reflect/support my feeling must be annihilated. When it comes to feelings and ideas other than what I experience I am like the taliban. Those who threaten me must be removed from y midst.
19. If you agree with me you agree with my feelings, which ARE me. If you disagree with me, you disagree with my feelings which are me, which makes ME wrong.
20. There is not greater weakness than vulnerability. Open yourself up and you will e exposed. if you are exposed you must rely on trust which is the cause of abuse.
So everything is rooted in the present, and my feelings are me, and if I am wrong then I AM wrong. Even if actual abuse hasn't happened, and emotional invalidation feels like it because it invalidates their very nature of being.
This actually helps me understand of lot of why she acts as she does, but it is so had to know how to help. And the few tips I do have and am trying are slow in working. Hopefully this book will help.
Samantha
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