I started seeing a therapist myself about 3 months ago. I found that I was depressed, and really couldn't handle any stress. Things just got to be too much. It's kind of funny, but dealing with someone dysfunctional makes one become dysfunctional. It takes someone with a strong constitution to not be affected by everything being their fault, and them not loving their child enough, or being enough. Sometimes it is very wearing. Anyway..... things have been going much better since, and I think in a couple more visits I will be okay for a while. I may need to go back from time to time, but I think it will be okay.
On our last visit I was kind of in a quandary. Lauren has been cutting a lot lately, and as her parent I am torn as to what is my responsibility. In the past if I have found a razor I have taken them and thrown them away in the outside garbage. But then she is always mad at me and complaining about how I take away her coping mechanisms etc. On the one hand I want to keep her safe, but she always manages to get more razors and continues to cut. Should I be taking them? We talked a lot about it, that it is my job to protect her, but I can't really protect her, she knows we don't like that she cuts. She knows that we disapprove She has been taught that it isn't helpful. She knows all this... Now it is her turn to use it. My therapist suggested that we never mention razors or cutting. If we see one, leave it there. Give her no attention in this area. She says when she has patients that cut, she refuses to talk about it when they have done it. She says it only reinforces the cycle they are in. She cuts to find relief temporary, but then it causes us to be kinder and more concerned so she is rewarded in a backwards sort of way. By making it a non issue, she gets no rewards from it. We can acknowledge when she brings it up, but tell her we aren't talking about that issue, because she already knows our opinion, and she has to do what she needs to.
It is so counter intuitive. When someone is hurting you want to comfort them, but in this case they are hurting themselves and the comfort is a reward. She mentioned that suicide attempts are the same to an extent. If she does try, take her to the emergency room and leave her there alone. Don't visit, or give her our attention. Better yet call the cops and have them take her. Otherwise ignore it so she doesn't get a reward from it. It is hard to do this at times, but I have seen how she perks up and becomes so happy in the hospital after an attempt, because she is getting our undivided attention. The staff to, sort of. Anymore, especially here, they stick them in a guarded wing and only come to check vitals and such. No personal attention. That is good.
She mentioned again, that really all we can do is be the bow and try to shoot straight. It is up to the arrow to go where it goes. I know that is what the gospel teaches us. Teach them good principles, and she has, and they are in there, and then let her go where she needs. Let her choices be a non issue for us. They are her issues, not ours. Turn it over to God, and stop taking it back. It has provided a lot of peace for me this week. I know I will probably need to revisit this as I am so bad at it, but it is true. We have taught her what we could, and we love her and accept her, but her choices are hers, and she has to live with them, not us! -- Samantha
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