Life is Good

The past few months have been really good with Lauren, and for her.  She has been os even for the most part.  Last week she had a bit of a melt down for a couple of days, but we got through that.  Mostly it happens when she refuses to talk and work through things.  But other than that things have been really good.  She has been helpful, and respectful and even been happy most of the time.  I hope she can see the value of it in her life.  I can.

She has been hanging out with her brothers more, which is really nice.  They have even been getting along for the most part.  I am proud of her.  She has been working a bunch and she really likes her job. She did talk to me about a concern she has the other day.  She feels that even though she has made some major changes and has been doing pretty good for about 3 months with only a few breakdowns, people still treat her as the old "whacko" Lauren.  No one trusts her yet, or gives her the benefit of the doubt.  She is right.  I tried to explain that a few months is great progress for her, and for us, but for most people a few months verses years of past experiences makes it difficult to put the past in the past.  If she continues she can gain back peoples trust, but that takes time.

She feels if no one gives her a chance how can she prove herself.  I understand her point of view, but I also understand others points of view as well.

I am pleased for her mostly and am glad she has found some joy and happiness in her life.  I love her and so want her to be happy and successful.  And I am enjoying, really enjoying my time with her.

Got a Job

Lauren went in for an interview the other day at Arby's and got the job.  She starts on Monday.  We are so pleased for her.  She also has another company interested in her.  It is called Otter Box and is a huge company. THey want to re-interview her on the 22nd of October.  They are opening a plant in Frederick, which as about 5 miles away and are hiring all new people.    If she happens to get that job it is the better of the two.  10 dollars an hour to begin with.  She seems to be okay.

I know she is still lonely, and I know she has those days where she is still caught in that whirlpool of emotions, but she has been handling it pretty well. WE haven't had any major outburst for about 3 months.  That is a really long time.  I think two things are contributing to this.  The first a biggest is a change in her medicines.  The new med she started in August really seems to help with her impulsiveness and mood swings.  Second I think we have given her a little more freedom to do things, even those things we don't approve of.  In so doing she has had to decide if it is really worth it.  Some things she is still making choices that will hurt her, but in a lot of ways she is choosing the better.

She is helping around the house, and pleasant for the most part.  I have enjoyed being with her, and my stress level has gone way down.   there are still things that I hope for her, but they aren't much different from my other kids which is a real blessing and real progress.  I dont know if she realizes how much I love her.  If I could I would take this from her.  I know we have been blessed by growth and understanding and compassion, and that she has learned how strong she can really be.  And I am grateful for those things, but I still would fix my baby if I could.  I really do pray for her and her future. She is in an okay place, and that is such a progress that I am thankful.  I know I am greedy.  But I am thankful and I am taking it one day at a time, and for right now  it is good.  Good for her, and for us, and I and thankful for that!  I hope she knows how please we are and how much we love her.

Update

Lauren has had some good weeks.  Almost two months.  Not perfect, but I mean really - she is doing well.  They changed her to a new medicine and she seems to be doing really well on it.  Her moods have stabilized a great deal.  And her impulsiveness has decreased greatly.  It has been so much easier to live with her.

She broke up with her boyfriend, which I see as a good thing.  I did have some concerns about it. Her feelings changed and she felt her was controlling.  He didn't want her seeing other boys.  Which to me is perfectly normal and not controlling.  You just can't have boy friends if you are in a relationship.  I hope eventually that lesson makes it through.  It is an important one, but for now it was good.  I don't think it was a good supportive relationship[ that would be healthy for either of them.  They have too many of the same issues.

She has been struggling with getting a job and getting going during the day.  She has pulled into a shell and spends all her time on a computer.  I have mixed feelings about that.  On the one hand it helps her deal with her loneliness but on the other, it also creates it.  She only stayed in school for two days.  Decided it wasn't for her, and then decided to get a job and take the GED.  She needs to get going on that.

She is still smoking, but she says she is decreasing the amount.  The new meds she is on, should also help with that.  I love  my daughter dearly, and this past two months have been nice.  I hope and pray she has been happier.  I hope also that she can make some forward moving decisions now that she is doing better.  I really do want the best for her!!!

Samantha

Little Blessings

The last few days, mainly a week have gone pretty well with Lauren.  I think she has seen a little of where she is heading and realizing she doesn't want to go there.  Her friendship with a girl around here has taken a hiatus and that is good.  She was not good for Lauren at all.  Very enabling and they both used each other terribly.  I know it leaves Lauren lonely, but if she can fill her time with uplifting things I am sure she can get a lot of her "good" friends back.  I know she feels that I think if all her friends were mormon things would be fine, but that isn't true.  I have a lot of friends that aren't mormon.  The real issue right now is she needs someone with a strong base who won't be swayed or put up with some of the stuff she does.

She seems to have made up with her cousin, which is good.  They have been pretty close their whole lives and the last few months (year) have been pretty dicey.  They have been texting and face-booking a lot which I am very glad for.  Lauren really needs some support and her cousin is a good influence.

Her relationship with her siblings is a little better right now.  Mainly because her actions are more stable.  I have certainly liked having her around a bit more.  I have noticed since she started this new medicine she isn't near as angry.  I hope it really has an effect on her and works.   We have talked about her getting a new therapist.  She likes her old one, but she let's Lauren get away with too much, and there are no set deadlines.  She feels like she does better when her therapist calls her out on her behavior.  She could be right.

All in all things are okay.  I am still waiting for her to make some major change, but who knows if or when that will come.  I know she is struggling with some decisions right now, and she puts things like that off and off.  I wish I  knew of a way to reach her and help her more than I can.  I sure do love her.

Frustration

The last few weeks have been so overwhelming.  Everyone says (books, therapists, experts) that it will get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can it get?  I already am so frustrated at trying to deal with her.  

Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1.  Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus.  They want her to deal with her issues before coming back!  (HAHA).  I can't force her out, or get her out before then.  Then she isn't tired come bed time.  Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room.  it is 12.  I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with.  Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew.  I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here.   She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her.  Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home.  It's 1 AM.  I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door.    She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that.  Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't.  So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.

I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult.  For all of us.  I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it.  All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble.  And that is the honest truth!!!!  She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share.  She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings.  She is just so difficult to live with.  God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now.  I am strung really thin right now.

She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her.   I didn't but sometimes it is so hard.  And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her.  There is just no winning no matter what I do.

What is right?

I have recently had a dilemma in how to deal with Lauren.  Things have not changed much.  In fact just last week she took all of my Ambien that was left out for a few minutes.  You have to take a LOT of ambien to overdose, so all she really did is sleep for two days straight.    When she has good days they are wonderful days, if she is a bit hyper happy.  But when she doesn't the reactions are so overblown and reactive.  It is really quite sad.  I worry about her only having two moods lately.  Either hyper happy, or in the pits and angry.

The dilemma comes up in how to raise (Or try to raise her) and how to advise our other children interact with her.  I am sure I take the overly caring way, but in what I do I try to react as much as possible as Heavenly Father would.  He doesn't  give us special blessings when we are not living righteously, but he doesn't quit loving or understanding us, and he is always there with a hug or at least a feeling of a hug when we need it.    I try to live that was with Lauren.  Even though there are many things she has done that disappoint us or I know lead to her unhappiness I try to still be there for her.   Ian not so much.  He doesn't believe change will happen until she decides to make it so.  I agree with that, but I think our unwavering love is the thing that will lead her to make the change.  He feels that she really needs to hit bottom before she will change.  He tends to call her out on her mistakes more than I do, and expect recompense.

The problem as I see it is that she feels like he hates her.  I know that he is only trying to protect the boys from all of the damage that Lauren can cause.  Her brother was asking about how to deal with certain things and Ian said he should just not hang around her much.  I disagree completely.  I think Lauren really needs her brother and that he is a help to her.  I do however see that he has been doing some thing like Lauren.  But that isn't her fault as much as it is his.  Anyway......  Ian wants to protect the boys and I do to, but not at the expense of Lauren.  Which of us is right I don't know.  I wish there was a bit more peace about it.  Anyway.... Lauren is back at work tomorrow, so I hope things go well, and she remains a great employee!

No Change

Lauren is home, but I am not seeing much change. I feel badly because I was so hoping this last episode in DT would really make her think. It did while she was there, but the moment she got out she was back to old behavior. I'm not sure what it will take. The moment she got out she started being rude to me because I didn't have her boyfriends number so she could him. Her cousin was with us, and she was really upset by it. She got home, left her cousin and headed to Morgan. Came home late. I keep asking her if she is ready to have the talk, she mentioned while in DT, but no. She refuses. I think she is afraid is she talks about it she will feel she has to do it, this way she doesn't. We got home here and she has been constantly with friends, taking offense at everything said. She and he dad are having some issues. He is tired of it all and just trying to protect the rest from her damage, and that causes him to be critical at times. She of course takes that hard and it really hurts her feelings. I wish I could negotiate a peace between them, but until Ian sees any changes he is tired of it all, and Lauren isn't changing. I am worried about her. Her reliance on friends and especially her boyfriend are very scary. If it should not work out, I don't know what she will do. I am scared she will try to commit suicide and maybe succeed.  I wish the changes would come.  I don't think she is very happy, and I really would want happiness for her.

She was given a huge fine to pay and let off pretty easy.  I guess that is good and bad.

Should I really know the legal system this well?!

Yep, here we go again.  Lauren hasn't done to well while we have been in Utah.  While her dad and I were away she took total advantage of her grandma and just did whatever  she wanted.  I was so upset at her total disregard for her grandma's feelings.  We got home and not a day later she takes her Uncles car without permission.  And with no license.  Of course it was reported and she was arrested.  Now she is in detention.  She hates it there, which is good, but she hasn't really had a change of heart, just hates it there.  Her only options so far to change her life is death.  Which really isn't a good option.

She did try to suffocate her self with a plastic bag while she was there, and got put in the holding room. That is a room with constant eye contact, no lights out and nothing but you and a pillow and your mattress.  She didn't like that either.

Today was her detention hearing.    They wouldn't release her to us, but they did give her a speedy trial date, this Wednesday so we can get that over with.  However, Ian has been out of town for so long that he needed to get back to normal work so he took all the boys and headed home.  I will stay till the come back in July.  I will also go to court with Lauren.  Her uncle dropped the charges, but that doesn't mean that the court will.  The prosecutor gets to make that choice now.  I have a meeting with him right before her court hearing.

It would be great if this caused Lauren to hit bottom, and realize that she has to make some substantial and lasting changes in her life.  It would be great if this could do that, but so far that is not the case.  She has however more than likely lost her job as I don't think they will hold it for her until the middle of July.  What a mess.

I love Lauren.  I want her to be happy.  I wish she could see that even though daily therapy is a royal pain in the butt, it is easier than jail, or death, or unhappiness.  But so far she hasn't caught on.  Hopefully some day she will.

Samantha

Utah

We came home for a visit to family and friends for most of the month of June.  Lauren is struggling.  She has insisted on spending every free moment with friends doing something, or hanging out.  She has to be involved in something constantly, no down time.  I am sure she is smoking cigarettes.  Don't know about drugs.  She has been puking a lot, not eating, and had the runs, so I wonder if she is doing something unhealthy for her weight, bingeing as well.   In spite of spending all her time with friends she is not happy.  It is very apparent that she is unhappy.  Yet in trying to get her to hang out with family, is pulling teeth and worse.

She wants nothing to do with any of us, and simply wants to go back to Colorado.  Problem is, it won't be any better.  She does have her job, but other than that, she has alienated most of her friends there as well.  So what do you do when you have driven them all away, and there isn't much left.  I would hope that you realize what you are doing and make a change.  A real honest change, and not just a day or two to smooth things over and then go back to behavior that just doesn't work.

I wish I  could do more than just pray for her and try to be there for her without supporting her negative behaviors.  She is headed for a real pit and I can't stop it.  I am not going to save her again this time.  She has to learn on her own, and  each time we have tried to save her brings a temporary change with no lasting results.  It has to come from her and not from us.  I do love her and want to see her happy and content in life, but I don't think that is going to come any time soon.

 I believe that she can do it.  I know she has the strength inside of her.  Maybe not to completely overcome all of her problems.  She will struggle with certain things her whole life.  I struggle with depression a lot.  However, it doesn't consume my life for the most part.  I think if she really tried she would be like that.  But I am not sure she will.  It is hard to change.  I know this.  I struggle with stuff myself.  But sometimes you have to change.  Sometimes your options are just not good to stay where you are at.  But only you can make that choice, not one else.  And she is to that point where only she can decide where she is going to go in the future.  We are here for her.  She has therapy if she chooses.  She has the church if she chooses.  She has moral support, monetary support, love and  prayers.  But she has to choose it.

In one way I have gained a stronger understanding of certain things.  I always wondered why God requires you to ask for most of the things you need.  He doesn't just step in and try to help when things are going badly, even if you want him to.  You have to ask.  Two reasons.  First you need to gain some wisdom and understanding from you experiences and secondly......  You have to truly want to be helped in order to make a change.  If he just stepped in nothing would change.  But by your asking for it, he knows that you truly do want and need his help, and he then can give it to you with you true and honest efforts.    That is what is needed.

Anyway.......  Ian and I are supposed to go away on a trip this coming week.  I hope we will truly get to go.  Not sure what will happen with Lauren.  Given her actions of the past two days we may have to cancel it.  I will have really hard feelings towards her if we do.  We haven't been away for years because of all that  has happened with Lauren.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Samantha

Lauren is Home

Lauren came home the end of April. We were so glad to have her back.  She did wonderfully the first week.  Was gung ho, cut off old friends, was just good.  Then things started falling apart again.  She contacted old druggie friends again, started smoking and just generally acting up.  She hasn't been violent this time around though.  So something must be different.  Don't know what, maybe the fact that she is off  recreational drugs for the most part.

Within the first two weeks she had run away twice again.  Police brought her home.  She decided to start again.  Then she fell again, and again, but each time she has started over again.  Or I guess picked herself up and kept trying.  I guess that is good.    It is certainly a change from before when she didn't care who she hurt, herself or anyone else.

I know she is struggling, and I know she is unhappy for the most part, but at  least she is still trying....that is progress.  She also got a job at the Subway near us and is doing an excellent job there.  She likes it and works hard and is responsible there etc.  It has been good for her and good for us.    She still isn't sure what she is going to do about school, or church....... but I am trying to be patient and see success where it is.

This weekend had some revelations for me.  I realized that my husbands reactions toward Lauren are all based on my reactions towards her.  It used to be that he could be calm when I wasn't and vice a versa.  But now if I am upset, he is.    He loves her, but he is trying to protect me more than help her.  I have real mixed feeling about that.  I think his first priority should be helping her, but  then I am also glad that he is so concerned about how it all effects me that his greatest desire is to cause me less harm, emotional of physical.

I also realized (again) that my job is to love.  She has been taught what is right and wrong, and she nows those principals.  She is aware of consequences and the gospel.  It is her job to act.  Lesson after lesson has shown me that the best way to get her back on the right path is to show it to her by example and love her regardless of what she does.  That is really difficult at times.  Not the loving, but to show that love.  Sometimes I just want to throttle her. I guess that is a natural human instinct, but of little use.

In spite of it all I am glad she is here, and I hope she continues trying and makes progress step by step, even if it is a little slower than I would like.  Again please keep all of us and especially her in your prayers.  She needs all the help she can get.  Me too!

Update

It's been a bit since I posted.  Lauren has been in Utah in a treatment center for her BPD.  They don't actually deal with BPD or treat it, but they do other stuff that seems to center her and help her to think straight.  In a lot of ways it is excellent for her, and in others it isn't.  They don't seem to understand her on some of her issues.  In face sometimes they confront her on things in a way that really shows they don't get it.  But all in all it has been good for her.  And the people there really care about her.

We got to spend Easter with her and family when we were home.  It went really well and she handled some problems very well.  It was a nice time to be home with family, and it was especially good to spend it with her.

Right now she is home.  She came home yesterday.  It is supposed to be for a week visit to see how we work things out and how she does, but if it goes well she will just stay here.  Not perfect just well.  Meaning she is really trying and not returning to old behaviors.  The insurance has pretty much said they think she is done and don't want to pay anymore and when she came home they essentially looked at it as thought she was discharged.  I'm okay with that.  I have missed her.  And I do want he here.

Yesterday she did pretty good, there were some issues where I think she put friends before family, but that isn't so unusual for a girl her age and especially with her disorder, and the girls she was with really are good girls.

My biggest concern for her is that she still hasn't given up on this boy from before.  I don't think he is a bad kid, but I don't think he is good for her.  He has too many similar issues and too many past problems.    He really cares for her and I am sure she cares for him too, but together they really can't support each other in healthy ways.  She isn't ready to see that for now, and at least she knows that for now there will be no contact.  He is in a treatment center for I don't know what right now.  She contacted him yesterday.  That was a concern to me.  I think my other concern is her being able to deal with closing back doors.  In other words not hanging out with and letting them no, she is not going to, friends that are not good for her.  Last night she did close a back door.  It was very difficult for her and the girl took it very badly which really hurt Lauren, but I think she realizes that she really can't help the girl because she isn't strong enough right now, and the girl isn't healthy.  It was sad, but she did a good job of it I think.    I am sure it was hard for her.

I struggled last night about how I should handle some things and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my job to tell her how to handle things.  It was my job to support her good decisions.  I think that turned out well.  I need to be more trustful and supportive of her and not try to micro manage her life which I have done in the past.  I hope we can both work on this and that things go well.  Anyway..... I am glad she is home.  I have missed her and love her.

Nice Weekend

This has been a really nice weekend. Not for any reason in particular; The boysI went to the Boy Scout Klondike campout (which was very non-Klondike -- temperatures in the 50s and more mud than snow) while Samantha stayed home with Ben and helped him get caught up on his homework. I was in some pain because I had a really nasty wipeout on my bike on Friday and have deep road rash all over my left thigh and hip. But it was still really nice. Seth and Chance had a really good time camping, Samantha and Ben both felt good about all they got done, church was pleasant and the house was... not exactly "peaceful", with all the roughhousing of the boys, but happy.

Over the last three years, our house is not one you would often call happy. Ben's being gone so much, and the nature of his absence, was bad, but the biggest source of stress has been Lauren. I feel guilty about it, but I find myself wondering if I really want her to come home. It's taken a month of her absence to get where I feel like we've finally all been able to relax far enough to be the family we really are, rather than a group of people who are all wound a little too tight by tension, frustration and anger.

Further, I'm really wanting to see what we can make of it with even more time. Maybe we can get Ben moving forward with more confidence into the adult world which is scaring him so much right now. Maybe we can get Seth settled into a new routine in school and we can finally have one kid who manages a normal teenage life, complete with some (good!) friends, school activities, dances, plans for college, etc. Maybe we can help Chance learn to deal with his explosive temper, get his weight under control, maybe get into some sports, and prepare him to have a better teenage experience than Ben and Lauren had.

I don't know for sure what's going to happen when Lauren comes back, but I am pretty sure that it won't all be smooth sailing, that she'll once again be demanding most of our attention. I'm hopeful that she'll do better. Actually, I'm confident that she will, at least for a while. But her emotion disorder is not something that just gets "fixed", by any amount of treatment.

The only way past her problems is through them, and that means there is going to be a lot more strife and heartache -- far more for her than for us. I ache to think what she's going through and will have to go through in years to come. I think she's in a really good place right now, focused on the right things, and with a really clear understanding of what she needs. It won't last once she's dropped back into real life, though, where she has to deal with people who not only aren't supportive but are downright vicious, and the emotion storms they will trigger. She's going to have to learn to fight her way through that, to find her stability and peace in spite of the world, and it's going to be extremely hard.

I love her very much, and so badly want her to succeed. I really want to help her succeed, and I want her to be back home with us and to share our lives. At the same time, I dread it, and I feel guilty for dreading it. I feel sorry for what she goes through, and I feel sorry for the boys and the damage that having always stressed-out parents does them. Chance in particular is full of anxieties, insecurities and anger, caused in large part by our inability to deal adequately with the stress.

Nephi promised us that the Lord will never give us a trial that is more than we can bear, but this is a test that I feel like we fail. I fail. As the house has de-stressed, I realize how angry and reclusive I've so often been. I haven't taken it out on the boys in any overt ways, but I haven't been there like I should. I take refuge in the intellectual challenges posed by my job, and at home I hide out in my room or in the tub and escape into fiction, or math puzzles, or TV shows. At this point, it's a hard pattern to break, but at least I find myself wanting to hang out with the boys, and that's a big change. Their loud, rough play makes me smile rather than driving me nuts.

I guess that's what really tears me up. I want Lauren to come home and be part of a healing, happier family -- if still a very imperfect one. I'd love to have a few really great months before Ben leaves us to go on a mission (assuming he gets approval). But I dread what it will be like if things go badly for her, and I hate even to write that because it gives the impression that I'm not equally anxious to have her home, and to see her succeed. But I am!

So, I'm anxious to have her advance in the Life Line program, and to see her return home with new focus and new energy, but I don't want her to come home for a while yet. I don't think we've completely re-grounded ourselves yet; a month hasn't been enough. And even when she's ready and we're ready, I know I'm going to look at her return with a great deal of trepidation to go with the joy -- and I hope my fears don't damage her chances of success. That's a real risk.

The boys are looking at it the same way, I think. They miss her, but are also enjoying the calmer, smoother life without her, and enjoying less ornery parents.

However, right now I need not to think about all of that. It's been a good weekend and the week coming up looks to be more good days, if very busy, as we prepare for our trip to D.C. on Thursday. We're going to have a great time with the boys, and with Breanna, Sam's niece. We'll miss Lauren, and wish she was there to see and do all of the cool things we're going to do. Hopefully both parts of that -- happy family times and missing Lauren -- will help us to de-stress and deconflict, so that by the time she's ready to come home in a few weeks, we'll be ready to welcome her with open arms, and willing and able to do our utmost to help her succeed at life.

Ian

Life Line

Lots has happened since I wrote last.  Lauren got so out of control that the state placed on a 72 hour hold and then transfered her to an acute psychiatric unit, which she stayed at WAY TOO LONG.  Then she made matters worse by Stealing our car, running away, and hurting me.  She was again placed on another 72 hour hold, and then transferred to a Residential Treatment Center in Utah called Lifeline.

I like the place.  She has been there before, and the staff really care and know her.  I am not sure she will get much out of it, but I am not sure she would get much out of any place.  And given that the places here wanted to be able to physically restrain her if necessary (pretty common with most of their clients) I am not sure I wanted her there.  She hasn't really been violent except for the past 6 months with Ian and I.    I am wondering if it is caused by the birth control we had put in her arm.  It is pretty much all progesterone, which can cause violence in some patients.

Anyway..... Lauren is lonely.  I know this, and I feel badly for it.  I wish she were here, but I also think this time away is good for both of us.  She needs to calm down, take some time to work on her issues, and she is safe for the moment.  She was not before.  And hopefully it will help her see that you don't have to be constantly with someone in order for them to continue to love you.  We still love her and miss her, and want her back.  Maybe it will help her realize she misses us too.  On our end it gives us some time to spend quality time with the boys and regroup and re think and recoup.  

I have done a lot of reading lately, and have been working through some of my own issues as well.  It is amazing to me that I was able to think that all of our issues were about her.  They are so totally not.  I realize that some of the ways I deal with things are just as harmful as her ways, at least mentally.

So we are all working.  If you can keep Lauren in your prayers.  And if you get a chance write to her and let her know you  are thinking about her.    For now, things are pretty calm.  I am really praying and hoping that this time helps.  One must never give up!

Samantha.

When Hope is Not Enough

That is the title of a book I am reading.  IT has some good stuff.  I do feel as though I understand Lauren, but understanding her and being able to guide and parent her are two different things.  They had a list in the book that helps one to understand why they act why they act.

First of all it is not the action that causes the problem.  It is their reaction to the problem.  Because they tend to have dysregulated emotions (essentially meaning they don't perceive something that happened the same way most people do)  their emotional reactions  are in line with what they perceived.  So the way in which we react to their emotions becomes a second nature to us, and often is dysregulated as well.  Example:  I tell Lauren no she can't hang out with friends because her homework isn't done.  She hears it as you are stupid, you can't even do your homework.  This makes her first  feel sad, them shameful, then mad --because she can't handle sad or shame.  Anger wins and with anger comes attacking.  So she yells at me and reacts as though I had insulted her and defamed her.  That makes me angry and I yell back, and it becomes personal and it escalates.  So the trick is to be able to detach her reaction from mine.  Not so easy, but something I have to work on.

The list was here.  It is  very informative in helping to understand her reactions to things.

1.  All time is in the present.  If something makes me feel bad now, it is linked directly to the greatest pain I ever experienced -- and that pain is happening now too.  Time can't heal any wounds because time never really passes.  everything - past, present and future in NOW.

2.  If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living.  Therefore, admitting I am wrong - or that I did something to hurt someone - feels like committing suicide.  I don't really want to die, so I can't acknowledge I am wrong, even to myself.

3.  I am wrong means I AM wrong.  It's not about what I did, it's about who I am.  This is also true of other people.  If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable.  If I  do/did something wrong I am broken.

4.  I am constantly being judged by people who don't understand my situation, including myself.  And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death.  See #2

5. Memories are the files in the mental cabinet.  But because i am always being judged, I need to use those files like a lawyer.  Therefor only the memories that suit my current feeling will be called up.  Those that present evidence that contradicts what I am feeling will not be considered admissible, or they will be doctored to preserve my innocence.  Again it is and matter of life or death.

6.  I am like a ship with a thin, fragile hull.  Any hole will sink me.  Therefore anything that approaches near enough is a danger and must be kept away at all costs.

7. Everyone is just an extension of me - so if I can't control them, it means I can't control myself.  Likewise when someone steps outside my control I lose control.

8. I cannot bear pain - therefore I must find someone else to bear it for me.  If they don't take my pain I will be crushed literally.

9. If I take responsibility for making something happen, I will have to deal with disappointment.  At some point, it won't work and that means I will have been wrong, which will feel like death, so I can't risk responsibility.

10.  Relationships are attractive, but will end in disappointment.  They are like cigarettes and drugs, soothing at first but they'll kill you.  This makes them toxic.

11.I was abused and need shelter.  But whatever shelter I run to, they will eventually abuse me, so I must be constantly on guard.  If I let my guard down I will be abused again.  There is only one thing that leads to abuse -- trust.

12.  Asking me to be calm in the face of what I see is danger is like asking the scarecrow to not be afraid when the Wicked Witch hold up the burning broom.

13.  Thought is reality.  If I think of something it is already done.  If someone else mention something they have already made it happen.

14.  Anyone who wants something wants it right now, including me.  All needs must be satisfied instantly, or something is wrong.  And wrong means death.

15.  I would never hurt me or anyone else.  Therefore is that occurs it mean someone other than me did it.

16.  The way the world works is cause and effect.  If I feel a certain way, I will find a cause for it that does not involve me, because otherwise I would be judged as wrong and wrong is death.

17.  Other people created the shame I carry.  Therefore only other people can remove it.  I was rendered powerless to do anything about it.  I need them to make me better.

18.  The world is how I feel.  Anything that does not reflect/support my feeling must be annihilated.  When it comes to feelings and ideas other than what I experience I am like the taliban.  Those who threaten me must be removed from y midst.

19.  If you agree with me you agree with my feelings, which ARE me.  If you disagree with me, you disagree with my feelings which are me, which makes ME wrong.

20.  There is not greater weakness than vulnerability. Open yourself up and you will e exposed.  if you are exposed you must rely on trust which is the cause of abuse.

So everything is rooted in the present, and my feelings are me, and if I am wrong then I AM wrong.   Even if actual abuse hasn't happened, and emotional invalidation feels like it because it invalidates their very nature of being.

This actually helps me understand of lot of why she acts as she does, but it is so had to know how to help.  And the few tips I do have and am trying are slow in working.    Hopefully this book will help.

Samantha

Bad Parenting - we are the experts

So last night after Lauren gets out of her personal session with her therapist I ask her what they talked about.  She never tells me details just ideas, which is okay.  I would like more, but at least she is sharing a little.  She tells me, while I've taken her a nice place to eat, that she isn't going to tell me anymore.  She and her therapist think that I over react to everything she says and take all of the therapists advice to the extreme.  She has no privacy whatsoever and this is private and she doesn't have to tell and is not going to. She is not in therapy for us, she is in therapy for her.  Our only job is to pay for it.

Lauren has said many things before so I am not sure any of this is true of not.  However...... In my own defense I would like to say.... Dealing with her on a day to day basis is very difficult.  She gets away with more than any of our other kids.  We allow her freedoms that our other kids would never dream of having.  On top of this she has the least responsibility of anyone in our home, including her 10 year old brother.  I run her places, buy her stuff, even when she has overspent her allowance.  I try to show her daily how much I love her, and it is never enough. I try to spend 1/2 hour with her, just talking, visiting, doing homework, or whatever, and she claims it is intrusive and that we need less time together.  She does not share with us.  Yes, we search her room.  I have found stolen medications in there.  Hoarded medications in there, razor blades in there, pot pipes. So no she doesn't have that privacy. Same with Facebook and e-mail.  Both have been used too many times for sexting, creating drama, or suicide threats, or even searching for ways to commit suicide.  So no, she has no privacy there.  Yes we monitor her phone.  Sex has been an issue for her, along with just plain drama, and her phone has been a major instigator of a lot of that.  Even though she is not supposed to erase texts - she does often, and yet she still has her phone.  It we take it away it is because we are unreasonable.

Power Struggles.  Essentially Lauren thinks that in a power struggle the point is to let her have her way.  She says she is willing to reach some middle ground.  Well it depends on the thing to begin with.  If we don't feel firmly about it, she usually gets her way just to avoid a power struggle.  The only time there is one, is when we stand our ground.  And then we are to meet her half way, which isn't a solution, it is just her always getting her way.

I have three boys.  One with ADD and learning disabilities, one with ADD, who is finding his introduction to teenage hood difficult as his parents are constantly trying to put out fires created by his sister, and have little time or patience left over for normal teenage drama,  and a younger son with ADHD.  I am stretched thin, and when Lauren doesn't get what she wants, right now, this instant, she throws a fit, and throws up the you don't care, or love me card.  Then she proceeds to make everyone's life as miserable as possible.  My husband is working many hours right now.  As this is his first year on the job, he needs to prove his worth, and is often not home to deal with the kids or issues.  The few times he does step in is when it is so out of control for me that  I can't deal with it.  Lauren and his relationship is pretty much in a shambles regardless of his love and care for her.  I am stretched to my limit, and am finding it hard to just keep up with the day to day issues myself.

I try to apply what we have talked about, and then I get messages like today that we are stifling her freedoms, and privacy and have no right to information regarding her treatment.  I agree she is not in therapy for us, but for her.  However that doesn't mean that we don't want to help her.  I love my daughter immensely.  More than she will ever understand, but she is hurting me more that she knows, and it is taking its effects not only in my mental health but in my physical health as well.  I have chronic Kidney Disease and in the last few months my creatinine levels have risen a lot.  Stress is not good for my kidneys, but I am at a loss as to how to prevent it given what we are dealing with constantly.

If you want to know the truth.  I am at a loss as to what to do next.  I think things are going along for a week or so okay and then she drops a bomb like this in my lap.  It seems to me  that if I suggest some way to help Lauren with her therapy, it makes it an automatic thing NOT  to do.  If I feel she would benefit from some program or activity, then she definitely WON"T. She says we don't care about her and only try to control her life so ours don't look bad.  In response I see a girl who if she doesn't' get what she wants, when she wants, throws tizzy fits, makes everyones life miserable, and has an attitude of it's my way or go to hell.  No one else's desires or wants in this life matter except for hers.

While I realize that a lot of this is from years of negative self talking, and from bad thinking patterns that came as a result of certain abusive situations, and I can understand that, it doesn't make the attacks any less hurtful.  There is not a day go by that I don't get told she hates me.  Not a day that she doesn't yell at me.  That she says I am intrusive because I would like to be aware of what is happening in her life.  And the worst things she keeps saying is that she needs time away from us to solve her problems and the expects us to find someone to take her.  No one on either sides of our family would be willing to take her.  They have seen how she acts.  Furthermore, I don't see how her being away from family repairs the family situation at all.  

Anyway....... I do think I need to know what the appointment is about so I can help her with it during the week.  She never gives me details and even if I asked she wouldn't.  I'm not asking for a play by play.  I am asking for what did you talk about, what kids of solutions did you come up with  and how can we implement them.  

Most of all I am tired of being the excuse for her miserable life.  I am tired of being made to feel like a terrible parent when I am trying to care for her and help her. 

Samantha

-- 

Havoc for the Holidays

We had quite the upheaval over the holidays.  It all started with pot pipes, and suicide notes and body piercings.  Things calmed down a little and we headed to Utah to visit family.  Upheaval again.  Refusal to obey simple basic family rules.  So our lovely Lauren decided that living somewhere else would be the way to go.  We allowed her to leave.  She found a friend's mom to stay with for a few days.  Eventually she decided that she wanted to come back home and that the rules weren't that bad.  Although we let her go, we were worried about her the whole time.  And even more we missed her.  Christmas has always been such a huge traditional thing in our family, and not having her there for games with family, seeing the lights at Christmas Village, the traditional pizza party, and such was heart breaking.  I missed her and worried about her.  I still enjoyed all of the activities with family and friends, and still tried to make it a nice time for my other kids, but I worried and missed her.  I was so glad when she decided she wanted to return to live with us.

The next few days were great.  Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was.  She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family.  I got a beautiful ornament she made.  And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in.  She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever.  I think she made it so, for us and her.  Everyone got a gift and a  note about how they were an influence of good in her life.  It was very nice and very thoughtful.  When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart.  I have said she has a good heart and it is so true.  She brought a lot of joy to people this day.  And I think she was truly happy as well.

After Christmas she made some bad choices.  The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home".  When asked why, she said to escape her life.  Drugs aren't just a flirtation.  She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem.  Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note.  And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note.   I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile.    We were finally able to work things out with her granny.  Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on.  She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough.  Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds.  It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month.  Those stolen can't be replaced.  Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.

The second bad choice.  Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren.  They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful.  In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once.  That is over 500 mg of Morphine.  She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER.  They immediately put her on an anti-opiate.  The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating.  She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing.  Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again.  So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.

I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed.  At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in.  You are so angry that this has happened again.  You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead.  You wonder how many times will she be lucky.  You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it.  You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it.  Only her and the doctors that she interacts with.  As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling.  At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short.  They have been getting shorter and shorter.  What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better.  A new surge of energy to succeed.  The first time it was good two months afterwards.  The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down.   This time lasted about 2 days.

Ian and I went home.  He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work.  He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath.  I feel isolated at those times.  I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders.  While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone.  My sister was so good to me this time.  She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day.  Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life.  We were lucky this time.  They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist.  Which she did.  Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it.  Only get to pay for it.

Again the next few days were fine.  We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall.  On the last day of being home it fell.  Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa.  We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused.  She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her.  He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her.  She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him.  He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened.  She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard.  Really hard.  I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control.  He insisted he wasn't.  I knew she was hurt.  She broke her collarbone.  She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian  has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him.  My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control.  It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later.  And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking.  I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt.  And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse.  I can't handle that.  I worry about that.  Lauren has accused him of abuse before.

Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays.  Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional.    I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven.  But so often home is not.  Home is a battle ground.  I hate it.  It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers.  We are all scarred from it.  But how do you change it.  What more can one do.  We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of.  We strive to live religious standards in our home.  We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities.  And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken.  You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.

Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do.  I know that Ian is.  I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach.  I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated.  I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that.  Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings.  I know that God loves her.  I know he can help her if she will let him.

In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season.  The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me.  Their support and love means so much to me.  To not feel alone in this struggle.  I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home.  I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others.  Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.

After we got home, things calmed down a bit.  We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school.  She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself.  The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here.  She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well.  It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through.  She is such a good person at heart.  I wish it would always shine through.  I wish she could always see it.  I wish she could always feel it.  I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.

I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I do know without them I would be lost.  I am also grateful for Ian.  He is my rock.  I love him more than anything.  I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me.  And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys.  I am glad in spite of it all to have my family.   I just need to remember that!

Love Samantha

Remembering is Hard

We have to continually remind ourselves that most of what she does that drives us crazy isn't by choice, exactly.

The really difficult thing about BPD is that BPD sufferers are rational. They think just as clearly and just as well as anyone. And Lauren is a really bright girl. The difference from everyone else is that they have these unbelievably extreme negative emotions. So when she's mad at you, she really hates you, deeply, bitterly, implacably. Add to that a lot of persistent misperceptions about the world (which also come from the emotion disorder) and about her place in it, and what you get is a situation where that intelligence is exercised in deliberately destructive ways.

So she does choose to do the things she does. But she makes those choices in the grip of overpowering emotions that make the choices seem reasonable to her, even though to the rest of us they may be foolish, unbelievably selfish or viciously spiteful.

Another less obvious effect that I've begun to realize is that when she's in the grip of powerful emotions, she assumes everyone else is, too, and filters her perception of their reactions accordingly. It makes sense, actually, if you have a bitter hatred of a person, you're going to interpret everything they do in a very negative light. If they're kind, they're faking, or setting you up. If they're cruel, their true colors are showing.

This all makes borderlines harder to deal with than someone who is outright delusional. In one way it's worse than bipolar disorder too, because while bipolars have radical mood swings, they're basically random. BPD mood swings are intimately connected to what's going on around them (though not always in obvious ways), and that connection makes the behavior seem more... deliberate. Intentional. And it fools people into believing that if they can only do the "right" things, they can avoid the explosion, because the cause and effect are clear, if not what normal people would expect. But it never quite works; no matter what you give the borderline it's never quite enough and the screaming fits and the vicious attacks always come eventually. It gets very hard to continue being understanding.

To that you have to add basically zero sense of "self". A borderline finds it nearly impossible to maintain any sort of consistency, especially in the area of personal integrity or morality. There is no core self to hold onto such values, or at least not a very effective one, mainly because of yet another key characteristic: self-hatred. It's hard to maintain a firm hold on a sense of self when you're convinced that whatever you are is worthless and hateful. That self-opinion is constantly reinforced by all of the crazy things done in the grip of intense emotions, and by the inability to maintain personal integrity and morality. It's a vicious cycle.

The inconstancy, of course, helps drives people away, further feeding the self-hatred and triggering more bouts of crazy emotions and additional series of bad decisions. Another vicious cycle. Or another aspect of the same one.

Anyway, we know all of this. We sometimes forget it. Heck, we often forget it. But we do know it, too well to let us just throw her out the door.

Constantly in Crisis

Scoop on Lauren

My sister called me today, concerned about posts Lauren had made on Facebook, and unfriending most of the family, and wanted to know what was going on. I figured I'd just answer here.

So, there's lots going on. Not much of it good. There are a couple of things playing into it.

One, I think, is medication. The psychiatrist is changing her medications, and there's a fair amount of instability arising from that, I think. The goal is that the new meds should work better, but it takes time to get them tuned.

The other is that we've been trying to draw some clear lines on the rules, and it's turned into a real pitched battle. Her therapist says that we do need to set firm rules no matter how hard she fights, and that we should draw them wherever we feel is appropriate, because it really doesn't matter where we draw them, she'll fight, so we may as well set them where we want.

The current line that's really causing a lot of stress is over her "snakebite" piercing. If you don't know what that is, it's where the lower lip is pierced on both sides of the mouth. She pierced herself without permission, and against our objections. We haven't told her she can't keep it, but we have told her that she can't wear it at home, including at night. That's effectively the same thing as saying she can't keep it, because if she goes many hours every day without it, the holes will heal over.

More on the piercing in a moment. Another source of much stress on Saturday was Samantha's discovery of a pot pipe in Lauren's room. She says it wasn't hers, that she was holding it for a friend. We actually believe her, but it doesn't matter. We were very clear that we have zero tolerance for anything related to drugs, or anything illegal. The pipe, of course, is both, and she not only had it she brought it into our house.

We tried to talk to her about the pipe, but she got really angry and threw it at Samantha. Hard. It shattered (it was glass) on our headboard where Samantha's head had been. Luckily she ducked quickly. With things escalating out of control, we called the police. They tried to talk to her, but she was very uncooperative. She told them she wanted to get out of our house and away from us because she hates us and we just make her miserable. The officer threatened to call Child Protective Services and have her placed in foster care; Lauren said "Fine." It didn't happen, obviously.

The police finally more or less gave up trying to talk to her and cited her for possession of drug paraphernalia. She has court in January. It's a "petty crime" (the term Colorado uses instead of misdemeanor) with a maximum fine of $100 and no jail.

We had some more drama on Saturday that got a little violent. I made a mistake, I think, in asking her for her phone. Per our rules, the first step when she (or Ben, because he also has a phone) breaks one of the "important" rules is that they lose their phone. Usually I just use Verizon's web site and shut off service, but in this case I asked her for the phone itself. She refused to give it to me and stuffed it down her shirt so I couldn't get it. I compounded my first mistake by forcing the issue and marching her into the other room so Samantha could retrieve it. Lauren refused again and started fighting. I held her arms so Samantha could get the phone, so Lauren started kicking Samantha -- repeatedly and hard. I hit Lauren to make her stop kicking -- a fact that she's been screaming at me at every opportunity "You hit me!", and telling to everyone within earshot.

We did get the phone. Part of the reason I pushed the issue was that when she got so vehement about it I wondered what was on it that she was afraid for us to see. Turns out, nothing. She just got angry.

After the fight, we started talking about maybe putting her back in residential treatment for a while, because she's getting so out of control. I even wrote an e-mail to her therapist asking for a recommendation. Lauren blew up at this suggestion -- but she actually handled this much better, calling her therapist rather than doing something crazy. The therapist told Lauren that she would not recommend any residential facility, because she feels it's really bad for people with BPD.

That's more or less where it ended on Saturday night. After she calmed down she even took her lip rings out when she went to bed. In the morning I thanked her for that and told her that she would get her phone back after church, provided she went.

Church is another sore point. We''ve decided to more or less force it, even though we don't really believe in forcing it, for two reasons. The principled reason is that church is part of our family life. We can't require our children to believe, that's something every person has to work out for themselves. But we do require the kids to attend with the family. The second reason is more practical in nature: We really don't dare leave Lauren home alone, unsupervised, for three hours. So the rule is simple: Not attending church on Sunday means her phone is off until Wednesday. Not attending Young Women on Wednesday means her phone is off until Sunday.

Anyway, she sat through about half of Sacrament meeting before walking out. Then she went to about half of Sunday School, then left and walked home.

When we got home, she asked why her phone wasn't back on. I told her it was because she'd left. She got angry and went upstairs and put her lip rings in. I asked her to take them out, and said that since she already didn't have a phone, refusal would mean that we'd have to move to the next level -- no computer.

She got really angry again. She told us she hated us, hated our house, hated our rules and just wanted to get away and never see us again. She demanded to be put into treatment, to escape us. I said that I didn't see the value in it, that her therapist thinks it's a bad idea, and that I don't think it will help -- and it's expensive. She said again that she wasn't going to live with us any more, and asked us what we were going to do so she could leave, if not treatment.

We responded that we weren't going to do anything, that we didn't want her to leave. But we told her that we wouldn't stop her if she wanted to go. She packed a bag and headed out, but came back a couple of hours later because no one would allow her to stay with them. She probably would have stayed gone longer, but it's cold outside.

Later in the evening she again insisted on treatment and we again said no to residential, that we were paying for her therapist and her psychiatrist, and that the therapist said residential was a bad idea. At that point she got really mad and told us that if she was forced to live with us, she was going to simply refuse to do anything we asked of her, at all.

We had laid out in our rules that continual and absolute defiance was another "zero tolerance" area, and that if it gets bad enough the child cannot live in our home. But the police had made clear (in her presence, darn it) that we cannot kick her out without making some other arrangements for her. So she knew that was an empty threat -- well, it's not completely empty, but it's one we're not ready to take yet, and one that would require some planning.

That's where it ended Sunday night, with her figuring she had nothing to lose, that we'd already given her all of the consequences we could. And she's not too far wrong. Physical punishment, even if it would work, which I doubt, is too risky legally. And we have to let her go to school, have to feed her, have to clothe her, etc. But we decided that if she isn't going to obey any of our house rules, then she won't get anything from us above the bare, legally-required minimum -- anything in the way of physical goods, I mean. We're certainly more than willing to provide other support.

So, while she was at school this morning, we boxed up the contents of her room. We left her with a couple of changes of clothes and her furniture and bedding and that's about it. Nothing on the walls, no drapes, etc. The only shoes she has are the ones on her feet, and I think I'm going to take them since she doesn't need to go anywhere (see below).

We expected another firestorm when she got home, but that came sooner than expected. About 10 AM Samantha called me to say that the school had called. Lauren had written another suicide note which some other girls had found. They were freaked out, obviously, and reported it to the school.

Long story short, the school decided she probably wasn't really suicidal, but asked Samantha to take her to her therapist for evaluation. They also said she can't come back to school until the new year (school's out until then after this week anyway), and that perhaps she shouldn't come back at all, because she is so disruptive to the other students.

Knowing what was coming, I hurried home from work. I got there just in time to see her stomp out the door. That was a big problem because the school had released her to us rather than sending her to the hospital on the condition that she would be closely supervised and taken in for an evaluation. But luckily she just went over to a neighbor's house. We called the neighbor, who agreed to keep an eye on her until it was time for her 2 PM appointment with her psychiatrist.

At about 1:15, Samantha went over to get her. Lauren refused, and said she refused to go to any appointments or anywhere else with us until she got her stuff back. We pointed out that the psychiatrist was going to charge us whether we went or not, and that if we didn't show the insurance wouldn't cover it. She obviously didn't care about that, not even when I told her she'd have to pay for it. Future consequences like that don't mean much to her.

So, I ended up having to manhandle her home and we had to physically put her in the car. It was really hard, she was fighting like crazy and screaming bloody murder. Nice show for the neighbors. Actually, I don't know if we'd have managed to get her in the car at all, even with both Samantha and I trying. Not without hurting her, anyway. I finally grabbed hold of one of the studs poking out of her lower lip, threatening to use it to move her. Apparently that was tender enough that she agreed to get into the car. So we child-locked the doors and drove to the doctor.

She screamed profanities at us for about half the 30-minute ride, and sat in sullen silence the rest, after promising that she wouldn't say a word to the doctor. When we got there she went in, and did actually end up talking to the doctor. The doctor adjusted her medications, but she wasn't the one to do the evaluation; Lauren had a 5:30 PM appointment with her therapist for that.

When we got back home, Lauren decided to take off again. Again, this was a big problem for us, but it looked like it would be okay since she headed over to the same neighbor. This time the neighbor wasn't home, so I saw her heading off down the street and hopped in the car to see where she was headed. She was going to a boy's house -- incidentally, the boy we're pretty sure she got the pipe from.

I told her she wasn't going to his house, that we were responsible to watch her until she got to her therapist appointment and that although we trusted the neighbor we didn't trust the boy or his family. She told me I couldn't stop her (with a lot of profanity mixed in). I said that she was either going home or I'd call the police to take her home. After some more choice words, she walked home. I followed.

When she got home, she called the boy and asked him to come over. I pointed out that she was grounded because of her ongoing defiance and that he couldn't come over. Again she insisted I couldn't stop him, again I pointed out that I could call the police if he trespassed. She got really angry then and started pushing and hitting me, and trying to force her way past me to get out.

I blocked her escape, so she tried to jump out her bedroom window. Her bedroom is on the second story, and her window overlooks the concrete patio, so that would be a bad fall. I got behind her, wrapped my arms around her, pulled her back in the house and held her. She managed to topple both of us over, so I just laid across her, preventing her from getting up, and I shouted for Samantha to call the police. She was completely out of control at that point.

I just stayed there, holding her down, until shortly before the police came. I'm pretty sore because she was pummeling me most of the time. Luckily, she's not that strong so mostly I just let her beat on me. The only exception was when she grabbed the cord of the nearby vacuum cleaner and started whipping me with it. She got in several good strokes before I grabbed the cord from her, and then I had Ben move the vacuum cleaner out of her reach. I have some pretty good stripes on my back.

Finally she promised not to try to run or jump if I'd get off her, so I did. Within just a minute or two after that the police arrived. The officer spent a good long while talking to her, and did manage to get her to calm down. Then he talked to Samantha and I, and then he talked to Lauren until it was time to leave for her appointment.

The ride in to Boulder was amazingly positive, especially given everything that had just happened. She was happy and singing. Samantha went with her to her appointment while I took the boys over to the Google office, where we raided the drink coolers and played Rock Band and pool and messed around on the climbing wall.

She came out of her appointment without her lip rings, and we went to the mall for FHE. It was good until she went to Hot Topic and found some "piercing retainers", little semi-clear plastic pins you can use to hold your holes open, and asked me to buy them for her. I refused, and then of course she was furious -- but quietly so -- all the way home. Oh, sometime while we were at the mall, she put her lip rings back in.

So, that's where we are now. She's in bed, in an empty room, without a phone, and is wearing her lip rings. So the fight's not over yet; she's still trying to see if she can outlast us. We think it's important that she not be able to. It's not so much about the lip rings (though we really dislike them) as it is about the idea that there are real boundaries, and this is a better place to draw that line and have that fight than the next set of boundaries. It's pretty clear that the next fight, if we give on body modification, will be drugs. Just marijuana, at first, but we want to stay away from that fight, if at all possible (and it's probably not).

We're not sure what's going to happen on Friday, when we're supposed to drive home to Utah. If she doesn't tone down the defiance at least a little, we're going to have another problem because she won't be welcome in the Smith's home. It's already the case that we're not allowed to leave her there; if she's there we have to be also, because Martin and Nadine don't think they can handle her. They have a point.

I'm thinking that we may actually want to stay at Mom & Dad's, mostly because she doesn't know people in Layton and would have less reason to try to take off. We couldn't all fit, though, so it'd probably end up being me staying there with her, while everyone else stayed at Smith's.

It's going to be a wild ride the rest of the week. I may be working from home every day because I'm not sure I dare leave Samantha alone with her. She's as big as Samantha is.

Ian

Waiting and Hoping

This past week my family and I were able to head home to Utah to visit with family.  It was so wonderful for me.  I really needed the support and uplift.  We got to spend a whole week with both my husband's and my side of the family.  It was great.

My daughter had a different experience with it all.  She broke up with her boyfriend right before we left.  (Can I say Yahoo).  So she was a bit down.  Once we got there things went okay for a little bit.

My Husband and I had had an appointment with her therapist and psychologist the day we left.  Her therapist told us it was time to start applying tough love as Lauren has been really pushing boundaries lately.  She said we needed to make it perfectly clear that there are some thing we just refuse to allow in our homes.  And that includes things done outside our homes, that still effect us.  Things such as breaking the la, total defiance etc. Lauren has been dabbling in drugs, and she has stolen from us.  I hope not others.  She also has taken the car without permission or a license.  Hers was suspended from a drug charge a year ago.   Her therapist said we need to make sure that she know the consequences.  That if you choose to participate in such things you are not allowed to be here.  I find that so hard to do, but she is right, because right now Lauren is walking all over us and threatening us with everything including suicide.  It is not good for us, and even more it is not good for her.   So my husband and I went home to decide how  we wanted to handle that and what we felt it should say and why.  We more of less came up with a family proclamation.  It states our beliefs, our responsibilities, what we want our home to be like, and what we expect.  It also talks about zero tolerance rules, and important rules, and also that there can be changes based on what in working or not working for us.  We planned on presenting to the kids, all of them, not just Lauren, while we were in Utah.

Later with the other therapist, we decided after a month of trials that Lauren's depression meds were not working for her.  So we took her down to 20 on the prozac and started her on zoloft.  I am hoping it really helps.

So After the first day Lauren refuses to go to church with us.  This is something that we have said is something we do as a family.  When you move out you can decide where to go.  We aren't saying you have to believe what we do, but we feel we have an obligation to teach you, and above that you have an obligation to respect our family traditions and attend our of that respect.   So we told her it wasn't an option and that she could attend or this was the consequence.  She eventually gave in and went.  It was like a Yeah we won.  But even more it was a hope that maybe this would work.  The rest of the day went fine.  The next day she and I had a great time.  We got our hair done, went to lunch, went shopping, and then on the way home she wanted to hang out with an old friend from there who was into drugs, and I told her no.  If he wanted to visit he could come to her grandparents and visit supervised there.  She threw a royal fit.  She jumped out of the car and refused to get back in and the proceeded to run away.  I followed till she went through a field, and then turned off her phone, and proceeded to try to find her.  I felt like leaving her, but didn't feel that was a good idea.  She finally contacted me, and I picked her up and hour later.  She was cold, and sorry.

The rest of the week was pretty unhappy for her.  She wrote so really sad blog posts about being at the bottom, and having driven all friends away, and lost everything that is important to her, about being ashamed of her actions and such.  I mean really sad, almost suicide like.  We kept a watch on her, and she was really pretty down.  I had hope that maybe she had reached the bottom and was willing to pull herself up know and start using and applying all of this knowledge she has in her head from therapy.  No such luck.  At least not on the trip home.

On Monday she had a trip visit with her therapist and they talked about a plan.  On Tuesday she stayed home from school with me and we devised a plan, and went through a lot of therapy together about what she wants, and what it will take to get there, and so forth.  I hope this really helps and is not just a temporary fix.  This has happened before and has only been a short time thing before it's back to normal.  I know it will take time, but I truly hope and pray that this new therapy will help her and the medications as well. I love her so much and I want her to be as healthy and happy as possible.    Yesterday she had another episode.  She took a razor to school and cut, and got caught.  OF course she denied it even to me, and even when the evidence, other than the razor was right in front of her.  They sent her home for the day.  She spent it trying to work out how she could make up with the three friends who reported her, and she said were liars, and also how to secretly get a lip piercing.    I don't want to give up, and think that the temporary fix is over.... but...

Anyway..... Keep us in your prayers because we really need, and she especially does.  The next steps are to kick her out, and I really don't want to do that.  REALLY REALLY!

Differing Opinions

So this past week has been a bear.  Lauren is headed for a real downfall so it seems.  Rebellious to a T.  Refusing to come home when curfew hits.  Refusing to talk to me.  Refusing to go to any religious events.  Leaves the house without telling me where she is going or who she will be with, and then refuses to come home or tell me where she is.  Refuses to help around the house, and is not doing homework, and not doing well in school.  She has started to wear make-up that is down right scary, and is cutting again, and getting phone calls from people I don't know.  Medicines for the boys, the few not locked up, have started to disappear.  Lauren swears it isn't her, but I don't know what to believe.  I want to believe her, but I just am not sure.  And everything is way fishy.  So I am on ultra sensitive mode to make sure she is okay, and she is pushing me further and further away and saying terrible things to me.

She refuses to go to therapy so I finally gave her an ultimatum.  She will go to therapy, either with her therapist, or in a residential facility, but she will have therapy.  The choice is hers.  She finally chose her therapist.  So she goes after this terrible week and talks to her therapist and on the way home I try to see how it went and what they talked about.  She says mainly the week, and I said and ......  She replies it was a good week, things have been really good!  My chin drops and I go, really!  Yes she just is feeling overwhelmed by me, and that is the reason for all of this.  What crap.  I wrote a letter to her therapist hoping she would see through this.   This week has not been good, and Lauren is not in a good place.

I am having a hard time with this new therapy.  I know it takes time, and I realize that point is to get Lauren to regulate her own emotions and upsets and deal with them in a positive way and to change that way over time, but the past weeks, whether they are survival mode or otherwise are killing me.  The whole house has been in Chaos.  The other kids want to know why she gets away with things that they don't.  Part of that is I don't have any type of consequence I can enforce that makes a difference to her. I can say no friends, and she sneaks out.  I can say no phone so she takes mine or her brothers.  I can say no electronics and she doesn't care.  No money, she steals it.  Other than putting her in jail, I don't really have any consequences that I can impose.  I suppose I could put her in jail, but that just seems like a bad solution.  They don't have the means to help her, and she would just sit there and accomplish nothing, except have a record, which she  already does.  Doesn't need more.   

My husband is so frustrated that he has more of less said that unless she is hurting herself or others physically or damaging mentally, (which is tricky) he isn't going to bother with it, because all it does is cause upset for him, and worry, and accomplishes nothing.  So essentially it leaves me to deal with her, and I can't just give up and let her do whatever.  She is still too young to make some of these stupid decisions.  Maybe he is right, that is essentially what her therapist thinks we should do.  Have the least restrictive environment that is safe.  Let natural consequences fall, and let her manage.  She thinks, and is probably right, that we have tried to "help" Lauren make good choices for so long, that she either refuses, or makes deliberate bad ones, because she thinks we are trying to control her.  If she could only see we are trying to help, but I guess sometimes help is a hindrance.

Anyway..... I need to set up and appointment with her therapist where her father and I can go in, and get some real life advice, because overall doesn't really seem to help, and I am really struggling to keep going.  And it isn't fair to my other kids, my husband, or even myself.  In fact I have been pretty frustrated and down because I feel like the only one who can truly help is God, and his timeline is so slow or he feels like this is good for us, and isn't helping or at least not in a way I can see, that I am getting pretty discouraged.    I read article after article on how you can get help for mental illness, and they all say that the Lord will help, and that blessings and modern medicine help, but for the past 4 years it hasn't really helped.  I still feel like our lives are in chaos, and that as a family we are falling apart.  I just need some help and need to have some support and see some progress!

Lost IT!

It's been awhile since I posted, mainly because sometimes it just gets to be so overwhelming and I just can't go into it all right then.

Lots has happened in the last little bit.  My daughter got a boyfriend and lost him in  3 days, that was an experience.  We had a meeting at school with the counselors, the school psychologist and Lauren's  therapist on how to best help Lauren.  Then Lauren decided she was gay and got a girlfriend behind our backs.  Her mother called and made them call it off, and now she is hurt again.  I should mention that we are Mormon, and that I don't really think Lauren is gay.  I think she is searching for acceptance and love, and having lost it in other area's of her life, she is down to a group that is gay and so she is taking their road.  This disappoints me, but doesn't surprise me.  The mother of the other girl is Mormon as well, and she was pretty angry.

So lets see, details.  After Lauren got out of the lockdown center, and they agreed it wasn't a suicide attempt, we headed back to our home state for a short visit.  It was quick and didn't turn out quite like Lauren had wanted.  Her therapist is great and met with her Sunday night when we returned.  That week went okay.  On Friday she told me she had a boyfriend.  She went to his house that night.  On Saturday his Mom brought him over and they spent time here.  His mom let me know that he had some Autistic issues, and I was frank and told her of Lauren's own issues.   I was worried because in the past Lauren has been so afraid of losing someone that she has let them use her, and she ends us losing them anyway, and then feeling just terrible.  I didn't want that to happen, and I also didn't want her to hurt this kid.  They went for a walk while I was talking to his mom.  I think they did stuff they weren't supposed to.  Lauren denies it, but she has in the past as well.  I don't know.  Later (like two days) she told me he had asked for sex, and she said no, so he had been kind of threatening.  However when they got back from the walk they seemed okay.  We took him home later that night.  On Sunday she refused to go to church which was a good indication that she was feeling guilty.  On Monday she broke up with him, however, rumors got started and it got very messy.  He was made out to be a bad person, and an abuser, and I don't think he is.  She was made out to be easy, and she isn't.  It created huge issues at school and at home for ever a week.

After that she was oaky.  She decided to go back to her early morning Seminary class which made me very happy, and we had a meeting at school.  Her therapist was there, and it helped to have her advocate for Lauren and tell them exactly what her needs are, how she reacts in general and to have a plan set up to help, instead of punish Lauren.  They are also planning on setting up a 504 or IEP for mental issues, as it truly effects her school work.    I feel it will really help Lauren.  She needs the understanding and support.  Although her actions and decisions cause a lot of problems, it is very important to see that her actions and decisions are primitive, ineffective ways in which she is trying to protect herself.  If you look at things that way, you can certainly be a bit more understanding about what she needs.  It is hard, and I admit freely, that sometimes it is really really hard, and that I lose it at times.

I've known for awhile that Lauren was hanging out with the gay/lesbian group at school.  I know a large part of this is she really doesn't have a sense of who she is.  That is one of the symptoms of BPD.  She very much takes on the persona and ideals of the people she is currently feeling are her true friends.  She has alienated a lot of the Mormon friends, or feels that they are only her friends because they have to be, and that they don't really care, so that isn't her core anymore.  She was with the druggies for a bit, but when their drug dealer got  arrested because of her drug deal, that too went south.  That left the nerds, which she doesn't fit, and the emo/punk's and gay/lesbians.  I have pretty much not made a big deal about it, because I don't truly believe she is lesbian.  She likes boys way too much.  She has been hurt by a lot of guys, but she still likes them.  Do I think she is dabbling with it, yes, but not much I can do there.  She knows how we feel, and what we believe, we can't force her.  I figured when she started hanging out with this knew girl that it might be a lesbian relationship, though I doubt anything physical has happened.  I figured the other girl would  call it off, or her mom would and it would run it's course.  It has.  She is hurt again.

Today is a day when I am having a hard time holding it all together.  And not just because of Lauren, though that certainly is part of it.  She again refused to go to church, but I think more because she was afraid the bishop might talk to her, than because she actually did anything other than hang out together.

This whole week has been difficult for me.  There have been so many other things that demanded my attention, Halloween coming up, the school carnival which I was involved in, and volunteering in my sons class.  I sometime feel like there is just too much in my life.  With a bunch of Lauren's decisions that go against our beliefs I wonder how responsible she will be for them.  I know she knows right from wrong, and that she feels the guilt of her actions, however so many of them are made impulsively without really thinking it through, and are motivated by this overwhelming emotional need that drives every other thought from her mind.   So given that this is a real disability, and that she really is as incapable of doing certain things as someone with down syndrome is, (though her actions are much worse at times), how much is she responsible for?  It has plagued me all week.

Then today a lesson was being taught in church that we had requested over 3 months ago almost.  One that addresses Lauren's issues and how the gospel would like us all to respond.  We wanted to have it so that the kids would be aware, of what PBD is, how to best respond to help Lauren, and also  how to interact with her so they would also not get hurt or freaked out.  I realize that if you are unaware of what BPD is, a lot of people just think Lauren in nuts, or a drama queen, or a really over the edge jerk.  She freaks people out, she wears people out.  But that is never the intent, and when they abandon her it makes things worse for her.  After much prayer my husband and I figured that it would be better for everyone to bring this to their attention and give specifics so they could all interact better and safely.  However this morning we were informed that the bishopric didn't want to talk about only one person and wanted it to be a more general lesson with no specifics and that they would teach it.  Generalities do not do any good with Lauren's issues and so although a good lesson in general, it would not accomplish what we had so hoped.  Every other venue we have searched to have this lesson with her peers has been blocked from us.  And we really want to have it especially with her peers from church, because they are the ones that would set the best example and have the life the values we feel will make Lauren the happiest and lead her back to her Father in Heaven.

While at church, my 3 boys had some issues as well, that just left me overwhelmed.  My oldest and youngest both refuse to fast, which is not all that hard.  The oldest acts so immature at times, and I wonder if he will ever be able to grow up and take responsibility for himself.  My youngest is following down the same row.  And I just think with everything else, I just can't do this.  We have taught them.  We have set the example, but it just seems lost on them.

Finally I listened to so many members of our church bear their testimonies of the truthfulness of the gospel.  Which I believe.  So many today said that if we just pray daily, read scriptures, have family home evening, teach and try to keep the commandments we will have the spirit in our homes and have the peace we really need.  I get so discouraged by that, because we are doing all that, regularly, and have done it since they were all small kids, and yet the peace doesn't come.  It is always in an uproar.  We are always running to put out one fire after another, and I am truly tired.  It has been one of those days where I have just lost it, and I am going to go to my room, and see if tomorrow is better.

I sure can use that peace!