It's been awhile since I posted, mainly because sometimes it just gets to be so overwhelming and I just can't go into it all right then.
Lots has happened in the last little bit. My daughter got a boyfriend and lost him in 3 days, that was an experience. We had a meeting at school with the counselors, the school psychologist and Lauren's therapist on how to best help Lauren. Then Lauren decided she was gay and got a girlfriend behind our backs. Her mother called and made them call it off, and now she is hurt again. I should mention that we are Mormon, and that I don't really think Lauren is gay. I think she is searching for acceptance and love, and having lost it in other area's of her life, she is down to a group that is gay and so she is taking their road. This disappoints me, but doesn't surprise me. The mother of the other girl is Mormon as well, and she was pretty angry.
So lets see, details. After Lauren got out of the lockdown center, and they agreed it wasn't a suicide attempt, we headed back to our home state for a short visit. It was quick and didn't turn out quite like Lauren had wanted. Her therapist is great and met with her Sunday night when we returned. That week went okay. On Friday she told me she had a boyfriend. She went to his house that night. On Saturday his Mom brought him over and they spent time here. His mom let me know that he had some Autistic issues, and I was frank and told her of Lauren's own issues. I was worried because in the past Lauren has been so afraid of losing someone that she has let them use her, and she ends us losing them anyway, and then feeling just terrible. I didn't want that to happen, and I also didn't want her to hurt this kid. They went for a walk while I was talking to his mom. I think they did stuff they weren't supposed to. Lauren denies it, but she has in the past as well. I don't know. Later (like two days) she told me he had asked for sex, and she said no, so he had been kind of threatening. However when they got back from the walk they seemed okay. We took him home later that night. On Sunday she refused to go to church which was a good indication that she was feeling guilty. On Monday she broke up with him, however, rumors got started and it got very messy. He was made out to be a bad person, and an abuser, and I don't think he is. She was made out to be easy, and she isn't. It created huge issues at school and at home for ever a week.
After that she was oaky. She decided to go back to her early morning Seminary class which made me very happy, and we had a meeting at school. Her therapist was there, and it helped to have her advocate for Lauren and tell them exactly what her needs are, how she reacts in general and to have a plan set up to help, instead of punish Lauren. They are also planning on setting up a 504 or IEP for mental issues, as it truly effects her school work. I feel it will really help Lauren. She needs the understanding and support. Although her actions and decisions cause a lot of problems, it is very important to see that her actions and decisions are primitive, ineffective ways in which she is trying to protect herself. If you look at things that way, you can certainly be a bit more understanding about what she needs. It is hard, and I admit freely, that sometimes it is really really hard, and that I lose it at times.
I've known for awhile that Lauren was hanging out with the gay/lesbian group at school. I know a large part of this is she really doesn't have a sense of who she is. That is one of the symptoms of BPD. She very much takes on the persona and ideals of the people she is currently feeling are her true friends. She has alienated a lot of the Mormon friends, or feels that they are only her friends because they have to be, and that they don't really care, so that isn't her core anymore. She was with the druggies for a bit, but when their drug dealer got arrested because of her drug deal, that too went south. That left the nerds, which she doesn't fit, and the emo/punk's and gay/lesbians. I have pretty much not made a big deal about it, because I don't truly believe she is lesbian. She likes boys way too much. She has been hurt by a lot of guys, but she still likes them. Do I think she is dabbling with it, yes, but not much I can do there. She knows how we feel, and what we believe, we can't force her. I figured when she started hanging out with this knew girl that it might be a lesbian relationship, though I doubt anything physical has happened. I figured the other girl would call it off, or her mom would and it would run it's course. It has. She is hurt again.
Today is a day when I am having a hard time holding it all together. And not just because of Lauren, though that certainly is part of it. She again refused to go to church, but I think more because she was afraid the bishop might talk to her, than because she actually did anything other than hang out together.
This whole week has been difficult for me. There have been so many other things that demanded my attention, Halloween coming up, the school carnival which I was involved in, and volunteering in my sons class. I sometime feel like there is just too much in my life. With a bunch of Lauren's decisions that go against our beliefs I wonder how responsible she will be for them. I know she knows right from wrong, and that she feels the guilt of her actions, however so many of them are made impulsively without really thinking it through, and are motivated by this overwhelming emotional need that drives every other thought from her mind. So given that this is a real disability, and that she really is as incapable of doing certain things as someone with down syndrome is, (though her actions are much worse at times), how much is she responsible for? It has plagued me all week.
Then today a lesson was being taught in church that we had requested over 3 months ago almost. One that addresses Lauren's issues and how the gospel would like us all to respond. We wanted to have it so that the kids would be aware, of what PBD is, how to best respond to help Lauren, and also how to interact with her so they would also not get hurt or freaked out. I realize that if you are unaware of what BPD is, a lot of people just think Lauren in nuts, or a drama queen, or a really over the edge jerk. She freaks people out, she wears people out. But that is never the intent, and when they abandon her it makes things worse for her. After much prayer my husband and I figured that it would be better for everyone to bring this to their attention and give specifics so they could all interact better and safely. However this morning we were informed that the bishopric didn't want to talk about only one person and wanted it to be a more general lesson with no specifics and that they would teach it. Generalities do not do any good with Lauren's issues and so although a good lesson in general, it would not accomplish what we had so hoped. Every other venue we have searched to have this lesson with her peers has been blocked from us. And we really want to have it especially with her peers from church, because they are the ones that would set the best example and have the life the values we feel will make Lauren the happiest and lead her back to her Father in Heaven.
While at church, my 3 boys had some issues as well, that just left me overwhelmed. My oldest and youngest both refuse to fast, which is not all that hard. The oldest acts so immature at times, and I wonder if he will ever be able to grow up and take responsibility for himself. My youngest is following down the same row. And I just think with everything else, I just can't do this. We have taught them. We have set the example, but it just seems lost on them.
Finally I listened to so many members of our church bear their testimonies of the truthfulness of the gospel. Which I believe. So many today said that if we just pray daily, read scriptures, have family home evening, teach and try to keep the commandments we will have the spirit in our homes and have the peace we really need. I get so discouraged by that, because we are doing all that, regularly, and have done it since they were all small kids, and yet the peace doesn't come. It is always in an uproar. We are always running to put out one fire after another, and I am truly tired. It has been one of those days where I have just lost it, and I am going to go to my room, and see if tomorrow is better.
I sure can use that peace!
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