Have you ever prayed for someone to hit rock bottom? It is an interesting question. I look at Lauren and I don't want her to be unhappy, or have to suffer, but she isn't happy and she is suffering, and what she is doing is only causing her and us more suffering. I keep praying that she will hit rock bottom, and be so discouraged and so through with it all that she hates it and decides to make the changes and crawl back up. The problem is she keeps heading down, comes up, heads down, comes up, heads down, etc and we never get anywhere but a yoyo.
She left me last week in a store and stole the truck. Ian got me, we reported her. Didn't force her to come home, but she came. A couple of weeks ago I told her I was through with the antics, she either really needed to kill herself or fix it, because I was tired of the yoyo. She felt I was extremely cruel. I just refuse to be her punching bag and let her use me for sympathy in that way anymore. It isn't fair to me. I thought after taking the truck she would see that things were really bad and make some changes, but within two days she was back to smoking, dyed her hair purple and blue, and got a new boyfriend to be obsessive over. Same behaviors as before and just another yoyo. My prayer has been and continues to be that she will awaken and see where she is at, and where she is going. That she will hit ROCK BOTTOM. Perhaps then she can grow and learn and stop perpetuating her unhappiness.
We are home with family right now, and I have mixed feelings about the upcoming Holidays. The past ones have had so many problems, with running away, violence, over doses etc. I really want this one to be good. I'm not expecting it, but I am hoping for it. I pray everyday for her to find what truly matters, to work on therapy, to return to God. I know he loves her and hasn't abandoned her. But she has abandoned Him. Hopefully something soon with get through and she can pull it together. If not I guess I just have to continue in faith, praying and giving her love. Pray for her and us please.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Insights
I started seeing a therapist myself about 3 months ago. I found that I was depressed, and really couldn't handle any stress. Things just got to be too much. It's kind of funny, but dealing with someone dysfunctional makes one become dysfunctional. It takes someone with a strong constitution to not be affected by everything being their fault, and them not loving their child enough, or being enough. Sometimes it is very wearing. Anyway..... things have been going much better since, and I think in a couple more visits I will be okay for a while. I may need to go back from time to time, but I think it will be okay.
On our last visit I was kind of in a quandary. Lauren has been cutting a lot lately, and as her parent I am torn as to what is my responsibility. In the past if I have found a razor I have taken them and thrown them away in the outside garbage. But then she is always mad at me and complaining about how I take away her coping mechanisms etc. On the one hand I want to keep her safe, but she always manages to get more razors and continues to cut. Should I be taking them? We talked a lot about it, that it is my job to protect her, but I can't really protect her, she knows we don't like that she cuts. She knows that we disapprove She has been taught that it isn't helpful. She knows all this... Now it is her turn to use it. My therapist suggested that we never mention razors or cutting. If we see one, leave it there. Give her no attention in this area. She says when she has patients that cut, she refuses to talk about it when they have done it. She says it only reinforces the cycle they are in. She cuts to find relief temporary, but then it causes us to be kinder and more concerned so she is rewarded in a backwards sort of way. By making it a non issue, she gets no rewards from it. We can acknowledge when she brings it up, but tell her we aren't talking about that issue, because she already knows our opinion, and she has to do what she needs to.
It is so counter intuitive. When someone is hurting you want to comfort them, but in this case they are hurting themselves and the comfort is a reward. She mentioned that suicide attempts are the same to an extent. If she does try, take her to the emergency room and leave her there alone. Don't visit, or give her our attention. Better yet call the cops and have them take her. Otherwise ignore it so she doesn't get a reward from it. It is hard to do this at times, but I have seen how she perks up and becomes so happy in the hospital after an attempt, because she is getting our undivided attention. The staff to, sort of. Anymore, especially here, they stick them in a guarded wing and only come to check vitals and such. No personal attention. That is good.
She mentioned again, that really all we can do is be the bow and try to shoot straight. It is up to the arrow to go where it goes. I know that is what the gospel teaches us. Teach them good principles, and she has, and they are in there, and then let her go where she needs. Let her choices be a non issue for us. They are her issues, not ours. Turn it over to God, and stop taking it back. It has provided a lot of peace for me this week. I know I will probably need to revisit this as I am so bad at it, but it is true. We have taught her what we could, and we love her and accept her, but her choices are hers, and she has to live with them, not us! -- Samantha
On our last visit I was kind of in a quandary. Lauren has been cutting a lot lately, and as her parent I am torn as to what is my responsibility. In the past if I have found a razor I have taken them and thrown them away in the outside garbage. But then she is always mad at me and complaining about how I take away her coping mechanisms etc. On the one hand I want to keep her safe, but she always manages to get more razors and continues to cut. Should I be taking them? We talked a lot about it, that it is my job to protect her, but I can't really protect her, she knows we don't like that she cuts. She knows that we disapprove She has been taught that it isn't helpful. She knows all this... Now it is her turn to use it. My therapist suggested that we never mention razors or cutting. If we see one, leave it there. Give her no attention in this area. She says when she has patients that cut, she refuses to talk about it when they have done it. She says it only reinforces the cycle they are in. She cuts to find relief temporary, but then it causes us to be kinder and more concerned so she is rewarded in a backwards sort of way. By making it a non issue, she gets no rewards from it. We can acknowledge when she brings it up, but tell her we aren't talking about that issue, because she already knows our opinion, and she has to do what she needs to.
It is so counter intuitive. When someone is hurting you want to comfort them, but in this case they are hurting themselves and the comfort is a reward. She mentioned that suicide attempts are the same to an extent. If she does try, take her to the emergency room and leave her there alone. Don't visit, or give her our attention. Better yet call the cops and have them take her. Otherwise ignore it so she doesn't get a reward from it. It is hard to do this at times, but I have seen how she perks up and becomes so happy in the hospital after an attempt, because she is getting our undivided attention. The staff to, sort of. Anymore, especially here, they stick them in a guarded wing and only come to check vitals and such. No personal attention. That is good.
She mentioned again, that really all we can do is be the bow and try to shoot straight. It is up to the arrow to go where it goes. I know that is what the gospel teaches us. Teach them good principles, and she has, and they are in there, and then let her go where she needs. Let her choices be a non issue for us. They are her issues, not ours. Turn it over to God, and stop taking it back. It has provided a lot of peace for me this week. I know I will probably need to revisit this as I am so bad at it, but it is true. We have taught her what we could, and we love her and accept her, but her choices are hers, and she has to live with them, not us! -- Samantha
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
What BPD feels like
I came across this and it is excellent at describing in a brief nutshell what poor Lauren experiences on a daily basis. She is a wonderful person. I pray she can find that in herself!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Downward Spiral
The past few weeks I have watched as Lauren has been on a downward spiral. It went much faster than expected. She went from upbeat and happy to irritated, and then taking offense at everything, being the victim, everyone hating her and disliking her, reading peoples minds and personalizing everything. It was never outward expressed violently as in the past, but more of a slow spiral with nothing major happening, until it happened. About a week ago she told her boyfriend that she was cutting and suicidal. He tried to talk to me and she refused. So they called 911, and they called me. She was out on a walk by that time. Then she disappeared They called the cops and we spent most of the night looking for her. When she came home the next day she was covered in cuts on her legs and arms, about 200-300 I would guess. She had taken some razor blades and cut herself everywhere. I can't fathom how that makes one feel better. Logically I have read about it, but emotionally I just don't get it. Anyway...... The cops came and told her she either had to go to her therapist or she had to go to the hospital. she was in an ornery mood and refused to talk to anyone including a therapist so I took her to the hospital and they put her in an acute ward until Yesterday. She was upset about being there, but she also refused to talk or work to stop the downward spiral.
It is amazing how she goes to the ER and she perks up. She is happy and upbeat, and it is evident that she craves attention and now she has it. She knows everyone cares and loves her. If is a self fulfilling wish, and yet such a dangerous one. Even at the hospital for the first day or so it is the same, everyone concerned about Lauren... so she is so happy. Then she realizes that it is gonna take work and that it is just their job and she hates it. One would think she could remember that before she does something crazy. I don't hink hospitalization does any good for her. It fulfills her wants and wishes, even if they aren't conscious.
She came home yesterday and everything seems normal again like nothing ever happened. I hope this time though she remembers that a lot of the coping skills she has been using are not good for her. They aren't even skills, just a way of managing, but they only add to the problem and her guilt in the downward spiral.
I've learned some things from this last attempt, so I guess it hasn't been useless. I need to stop shielding my other kids from all of the damage she causes, and the pain. They need to be able to experience compassion and kindness and caring. They can't do that if I am always shielding them from her actions and problems. And I need to accept that it is okay to cry, to weep, to be sad, to hurt, and that perhaps she needs to see that as well.She needs to realize that her actions affect more than just her.
I hope we are now on an upward swing. She was doing well for so long....... Hopefully this is just a blip and we continue up again. I pray that is the case.
Samantha
It is amazing how she goes to the ER and she perks up. She is happy and upbeat, and it is evident that she craves attention and now she has it. She knows everyone cares and loves her. If is a self fulfilling wish, and yet such a dangerous one. Even at the hospital for the first day or so it is the same, everyone concerned about Lauren... so she is so happy. Then she realizes that it is gonna take work and that it is just their job and she hates it. One would think she could remember that before she does something crazy. I don't hink hospitalization does any good for her. It fulfills her wants and wishes, even if they aren't conscious.
She came home yesterday and everything seems normal again like nothing ever happened. I hope this time though she remembers that a lot of the coping skills she has been using are not good for her. They aren't even skills, just a way of managing, but they only add to the problem and her guilt in the downward spiral.
I've learned some things from this last attempt, so I guess it hasn't been useless. I need to stop shielding my other kids from all of the damage she causes, and the pain. They need to be able to experience compassion and kindness and caring. They can't do that if I am always shielding them from her actions and problems. And I need to accept that it is okay to cry, to weep, to be sad, to hurt, and that perhaps she needs to see that as well.She needs to realize that her actions affect more than just her.
I hope we are now on an upward swing. She was doing well for so long....... Hopefully this is just a blip and we continue up again. I pray that is the case.
Samantha
Monday, October 29, 2012
Life is Good
The past few months have been really good with Lauren, and for her. She has been os even for the most part. Last week she had a bit of a melt down for a couple of days, but we got through that. Mostly it happens when she refuses to talk and work through things. But other than that things have been really good. She has been helpful, and respectful and even been happy most of the time. I hope she can see the value of it in her life. I can.
She has been hanging out with her brothers more, which is really nice. They have even been getting along for the most part. I am proud of her. She has been working a bunch and she really likes her job. She did talk to me about a concern she has the other day. She feels that even though she has made some major changes and has been doing pretty good for about 3 months with only a few breakdowns, people still treat her as the old "whacko" Lauren. No one trusts her yet, or gives her the benefit of the doubt. She is right. I tried to explain that a few months is great progress for her, and for us, but for most people a few months verses years of past experiences makes it difficult to put the past in the past. If she continues she can gain back peoples trust, but that takes time.
She feels if no one gives her a chance how can she prove herself. I understand her point of view, but I also understand others points of view as well.
I am pleased for her mostly and am glad she has found some joy and happiness in her life. I love her and so want her to be happy and successful. And I am enjoying, really enjoying my time with her.
She has been hanging out with her brothers more, which is really nice. They have even been getting along for the most part. I am proud of her. She has been working a bunch and she really likes her job. She did talk to me about a concern she has the other day. She feels that even though she has made some major changes and has been doing pretty good for about 3 months with only a few breakdowns, people still treat her as the old "whacko" Lauren. No one trusts her yet, or gives her the benefit of the doubt. She is right. I tried to explain that a few months is great progress for her, and for us, but for most people a few months verses years of past experiences makes it difficult to put the past in the past. If she continues she can gain back peoples trust, but that takes time.
She feels if no one gives her a chance how can she prove herself. I understand her point of view, but I also understand others points of view as well.
I am pleased for her mostly and am glad she has found some joy and happiness in her life. I love her and so want her to be happy and successful. And I am enjoying, really enjoying my time with her.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Got a Job
Lauren went in for an interview the other day at Arby's and got the job. She starts on Monday. We are so pleased for her. She also has another company interested in her. It is called Otter Box and is a huge company. THey want to re-interview her on the 22nd of October. They are opening a plant in Frederick, which as about 5 miles away and are hiring all new people. If she happens to get that job it is the better of the two. 10 dollars an hour to begin with. She seems to be okay.
I know she is still lonely, and I know she has those days where she is still caught in that whirlpool of emotions, but she has been handling it pretty well. WE haven't had any major outburst for about 3 months. That is a really long time. I think two things are contributing to this. The first a biggest is a change in her medicines. The new med she started in August really seems to help with her impulsiveness and mood swings. Second I think we have given her a little more freedom to do things, even those things we don't approve of. In so doing she has had to decide if it is really worth it. Some things she is still making choices that will hurt her, but in a lot of ways she is choosing the better.
She is helping around the house, and pleasant for the most part. I have enjoyed being with her, and my stress level has gone way down. there are still things that I hope for her, but they aren't much different from my other kids which is a real blessing and real progress. I dont know if she realizes how much I love her. If I could I would take this from her. I know we have been blessed by growth and understanding and compassion, and that she has learned how strong she can really be. And I am grateful for those things, but I still would fix my baby if I could. I really do pray for her and her future. She is in an okay place, and that is such a progress that I am thankful. I know I am greedy. But I am thankful and I am taking it one day at a time, and for right now it is good. Good for her, and for us, and I and thankful for that! I hope she knows how please we are and how much we love her.
I know she is still lonely, and I know she has those days where she is still caught in that whirlpool of emotions, but she has been handling it pretty well. WE haven't had any major outburst for about 3 months. That is a really long time. I think two things are contributing to this. The first a biggest is a change in her medicines. The new med she started in August really seems to help with her impulsiveness and mood swings. Second I think we have given her a little more freedom to do things, even those things we don't approve of. In so doing she has had to decide if it is really worth it. Some things she is still making choices that will hurt her, but in a lot of ways she is choosing the better.
She is helping around the house, and pleasant for the most part. I have enjoyed being with her, and my stress level has gone way down. there are still things that I hope for her, but they aren't much different from my other kids which is a real blessing and real progress. I dont know if she realizes how much I love her. If I could I would take this from her. I know we have been blessed by growth and understanding and compassion, and that she has learned how strong she can really be. And I am grateful for those things, but I still would fix my baby if I could. I really do pray for her and her future. She is in an okay place, and that is such a progress that I am thankful. I know I am greedy. But I am thankful and I am taking it one day at a time, and for right now it is good. Good for her, and for us, and I and thankful for that! I hope she knows how please we are and how much we love her.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Update
Lauren has had some good weeks. Almost two months. Not perfect, but I mean really - she is doing well. They changed her to a new medicine and she seems to be doing really well on it. Her moods have stabilized a great deal. And her impulsiveness has decreased greatly. It has been so much easier to live with her.
She broke up with her boyfriend, which I see as a good thing. I did have some concerns about it. Her feelings changed and she felt her was controlling. He didn't want her seeing other boys. Which to me is perfectly normal and not controlling. You just can't have boy friends if you are in a relationship. I hope eventually that lesson makes it through. It is an important one, but for now it was good. I don't think it was a good supportive relationship[ that would be healthy for either of them. They have too many of the same issues.
She has been struggling with getting a job and getting going during the day. She has pulled into a shell and spends all her time on a computer. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it helps her deal with her loneliness but on the other, it also creates it. She only stayed in school for two days. Decided it wasn't for her, and then decided to get a job and take the GED. She needs to get going on that.
She is still smoking, but she says she is decreasing the amount. The new meds she is on, should also help with that. I love my daughter dearly, and this past two months have been nice. I hope and pray she has been happier. I hope also that she can make some forward moving decisions now that she is doing better. I really do want the best for her!!!
Samantha
She broke up with her boyfriend, which I see as a good thing. I did have some concerns about it. Her feelings changed and she felt her was controlling. He didn't want her seeing other boys. Which to me is perfectly normal and not controlling. You just can't have boy friends if you are in a relationship. I hope eventually that lesson makes it through. It is an important one, but for now it was good. I don't think it was a good supportive relationship[ that would be healthy for either of them. They have too many of the same issues.
She has been struggling with getting a job and getting going during the day. She has pulled into a shell and spends all her time on a computer. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it helps her deal with her loneliness but on the other, it also creates it. She only stayed in school for two days. Decided it wasn't for her, and then decided to get a job and take the GED. She needs to get going on that.
She is still smoking, but she says she is decreasing the amount. The new meds she is on, should also help with that. I love my daughter dearly, and this past two months have been nice. I hope and pray she has been happier. I hope also that she can make some forward moving decisions now that she is doing better. I really do want the best for her!!!
Samantha
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Little Blessings
The last few days, mainly a week have gone pretty well with Lauren. I think she has seen a little of where she is heading and realizing she doesn't want to go there. Her friendship with a girl around here has taken a hiatus and that is good. She was not good for Lauren at all. Very enabling and they both used each other terribly. I know it leaves Lauren lonely, but if she can fill her time with uplifting things I am sure she can get a lot of her "good" friends back. I know she feels that I think if all her friends were mormon things would be fine, but that isn't true. I have a lot of friends that aren't mormon. The real issue right now is she needs someone with a strong base who won't be swayed or put up with some of the stuff she does.
She seems to have made up with her cousin, which is good. They have been pretty close their whole lives and the last few months (year) have been pretty dicey. They have been texting and face-booking a lot which I am very glad for. Lauren really needs some support and her cousin is a good influence.
Her relationship with her siblings is a little better right now. Mainly because her actions are more stable. I have certainly liked having her around a bit more. I have noticed since she started this new medicine she isn't near as angry. I hope it really has an effect on her and works. We have talked about her getting a new therapist. She likes her old one, but she let's Lauren get away with too much, and there are no set deadlines. She feels like she does better when her therapist calls her out on her behavior. She could be right.
All in all things are okay. I am still waiting for her to make some major change, but who knows if or when that will come. I know she is struggling with some decisions right now, and she puts things like that off and off. I wish I knew of a way to reach her and help her more than I can. I sure do love her.
She seems to have made up with her cousin, which is good. They have been pretty close their whole lives and the last few months (year) have been pretty dicey. They have been texting and face-booking a lot which I am very glad for. Lauren really needs some support and her cousin is a good influence.
Her relationship with her siblings is a little better right now. Mainly because her actions are more stable. I have certainly liked having her around a bit more. I have noticed since she started this new medicine she isn't near as angry. I hope it really has an effect on her and works. We have talked about her getting a new therapist. She likes her old one, but she let's Lauren get away with too much, and there are no set deadlines. She feels like she does better when her therapist calls her out on her behavior. She could be right.
All in all things are okay. I am still waiting for her to make some major change, but who knows if or when that will come. I know she is struggling with some decisions right now, and she puts things like that off and off. I wish I knew of a way to reach her and help her more than I can. I sure do love her.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Frustration
The last few weeks have been so overwhelming. Everyone says (books, therapists, experts) that it will get worse before it gets better. How much worse can it get? I already am so frustrated at trying to deal with her.
Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1. Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus. They want her to deal with her issues before coming back! (HAHA). I can't force her out, or get her out before then. Then she isn't tired come bed time. Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room. it is 12. I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with. Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew. I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here. She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her. Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home. It's 1 AM. I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door. She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that. Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't. So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.
I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult. For all of us. I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it. All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble. And that is the honest truth!!!! She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share. She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings. She is just so difficult to live with. God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now. I am strung really thin right now.
She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her. I didn't but sometimes it is so hard. And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her. There is just no winning no matter what I do.
Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1. Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus. They want her to deal with her issues before coming back! (HAHA). I can't force her out, or get her out before then. Then she isn't tired come bed time. Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room. it is 12. I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with. Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew. I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here. She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her. Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home. It's 1 AM. I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door. She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that. Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't. So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.
I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult. For all of us. I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it. All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble. And that is the honest truth!!!! She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share. She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings. She is just so difficult to live with. God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now. I am strung really thin right now.
She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her. I didn't but sometimes it is so hard. And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her. There is just no winning no matter what I do.
Monday, July 9, 2012
What is right?
I have recently had a dilemma in how to deal with Lauren. Things have not changed much. In fact just last week she took all of my Ambien that was left out for a few minutes. You have to take a LOT of ambien to overdose, so all she really did is sleep for two days straight. When she has good days they are wonderful days, if she is a bit hyper happy. But when she doesn't the reactions are so overblown and reactive. It is really quite sad. I worry about her only having two moods lately. Either hyper happy, or in the pits and angry.
The dilemma comes up in how to raise (Or try to raise her) and how to advise our other children interact with her. I am sure I take the overly caring way, but in what I do I try to react as much as possible as Heavenly Father would. He doesn't give us special blessings when we are not living righteously, but he doesn't quit loving or understanding us, and he is always there with a hug or at least a feeling of a hug when we need it. I try to live that was with Lauren. Even though there are many things she has done that disappoint us or I know lead to her unhappiness I try to still be there for her. Ian not so much. He doesn't believe change will happen until she decides to make it so. I agree with that, but I think our unwavering love is the thing that will lead her to make the change. He feels that she really needs to hit bottom before she will change. He tends to call her out on her mistakes more than I do, and expect recompense.
The problem as I see it is that she feels like he hates her. I know that he is only trying to protect the boys from all of the damage that Lauren can cause. Her brother was asking about how to deal with certain things and Ian said he should just not hang around her much. I disagree completely. I think Lauren really needs her brother and that he is a help to her. I do however see that he has been doing some thing like Lauren. But that isn't her fault as much as it is his. Anyway...... Ian wants to protect the boys and I do to, but not at the expense of Lauren. Which of us is right I don't know. I wish there was a bit more peace about it. Anyway.... Lauren is back at work tomorrow, so I hope things go well, and she remains a great employee!
The dilemma comes up in how to raise (Or try to raise her) and how to advise our other children interact with her. I am sure I take the overly caring way, but in what I do I try to react as much as possible as Heavenly Father would. He doesn't give us special blessings when we are not living righteously, but he doesn't quit loving or understanding us, and he is always there with a hug or at least a feeling of a hug when we need it. I try to live that was with Lauren. Even though there are many things she has done that disappoint us or I know lead to her unhappiness I try to still be there for her. Ian not so much. He doesn't believe change will happen until she decides to make it so. I agree with that, but I think our unwavering love is the thing that will lead her to make the change. He feels that she really needs to hit bottom before she will change. He tends to call her out on her mistakes more than I do, and expect recompense.
The problem as I see it is that she feels like he hates her. I know that he is only trying to protect the boys from all of the damage that Lauren can cause. Her brother was asking about how to deal with certain things and Ian said he should just not hang around her much. I disagree completely. I think Lauren really needs her brother and that he is a help to her. I do however see that he has been doing some thing like Lauren. But that isn't her fault as much as it is his. Anyway...... Ian wants to protect the boys and I do to, but not at the expense of Lauren. Which of us is right I don't know. I wish there was a bit more peace about it. Anyway.... Lauren is back at work tomorrow, so I hope things go well, and she remains a great employee!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
No Change
Lauren is home, but I am not seeing much change. I feel badly because I was so hoping this last episode in DT would really make her think. It did while she was there, but the moment she got out she was back to old behavior. I'm not sure what it will take. The moment she got out she started being rude to me because I didn't have her boyfriends number so she could him. Her cousin was with us, and she was really upset by it. She got home, left her cousin and headed to Morgan. Came home late. I keep asking her if she is ready to have the talk, she mentioned while in DT, but no. She refuses. I think she is afraid is she talks about it she will feel she has to do it, this way she doesn't. We got home here and she has been constantly with friends, taking offense at everything said. She and he dad are having some issues. He is tired of it all and just trying to protect the rest from her damage, and that causes him to be critical at times. She of course takes that hard and it really hurts her feelings. I wish I could negotiate a peace between them, but until Ian sees any changes he is tired of it all, and Lauren isn't changing. I am worried about her. Her reliance on friends and especially her boyfriend are very scary. If it should not work out, I don't know what she will do. I am scared she will try to commit suicide and maybe succeed. I wish the changes would come. I don't think she is very happy, and I really would want happiness for her.
She was given a huge fine to pay and let off pretty easy. I guess that is good and bad.
She was given a huge fine to pay and let off pretty easy. I guess that is good and bad.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Should I really know the legal system this well?!
Yep, here we go again. Lauren hasn't done to well while we have been in Utah. While her dad and I were away she took total advantage of her grandma and just did whatever she wanted. I was so upset at her total disregard for her grandma's feelings. We got home and not a day later she takes her Uncles car without permission. And with no license. Of course it was reported and she was arrested. Now she is in detention. She hates it there, which is good, but she hasn't really had a change of heart, just hates it there. Her only options so far to change her life is death. Which really isn't a good option.
She did try to suffocate her self with a plastic bag while she was there, and got put in the holding room. That is a room with constant eye contact, no lights out and nothing but you and a pillow and your mattress. She didn't like that either.
Today was her detention hearing. They wouldn't release her to us, but they did give her a speedy trial date, this Wednesday so we can get that over with. However, Ian has been out of town for so long that he needed to get back to normal work so he took all the boys and headed home. I will stay till the come back in July. I will also go to court with Lauren. Her uncle dropped the charges, but that doesn't mean that the court will. The prosecutor gets to make that choice now. I have a meeting with him right before her court hearing.
It would be great if this caused Lauren to hit bottom, and realize that she has to make some substantial and lasting changes in her life. It would be great if this could do that, but so far that is not the case. She has however more than likely lost her job as I don't think they will hold it for her until the middle of July. What a mess.
I love Lauren. I want her to be happy. I wish she could see that even though daily therapy is a royal pain in the butt, it is easier than jail, or death, or unhappiness. But so far she hasn't caught on. Hopefully some day she will.
Samantha
She did try to suffocate her self with a plastic bag while she was there, and got put in the holding room. That is a room with constant eye contact, no lights out and nothing but you and a pillow and your mattress. She didn't like that either.
Today was her detention hearing. They wouldn't release her to us, but they did give her a speedy trial date, this Wednesday so we can get that over with. However, Ian has been out of town for so long that he needed to get back to normal work so he took all the boys and headed home. I will stay till the come back in July. I will also go to court with Lauren. Her uncle dropped the charges, but that doesn't mean that the court will. The prosecutor gets to make that choice now. I have a meeting with him right before her court hearing.
It would be great if this caused Lauren to hit bottom, and realize that she has to make some substantial and lasting changes in her life. It would be great if this could do that, but so far that is not the case. She has however more than likely lost her job as I don't think they will hold it for her until the middle of July. What a mess.
I love Lauren. I want her to be happy. I wish she could see that even though daily therapy is a royal pain in the butt, it is easier than jail, or death, or unhappiness. But so far she hasn't caught on. Hopefully some day she will.
Samantha
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Utah
We came home for a visit to family and friends for most of the month of June. Lauren is struggling. She has insisted on spending every free moment with friends doing something, or hanging out. She has to be involved in something constantly, no down time. I am sure she is smoking cigarettes. Don't know about drugs. She has been puking a lot, not eating, and had the runs, so I wonder if she is doing something unhealthy for her weight, bingeing as well. In spite of spending all her time with friends she is not happy. It is very apparent that she is unhappy. Yet in trying to get her to hang out with family, is pulling teeth and worse.
She wants nothing to do with any of us, and simply wants to go back to Colorado. Problem is, it won't be any better. She does have her job, but other than that, she has alienated most of her friends there as well. So what do you do when you have driven them all away, and there isn't much left. I would hope that you realize what you are doing and make a change. A real honest change, and not just a day or two to smooth things over and then go back to behavior that just doesn't work.
I wish I could do more than just pray for her and try to be there for her without supporting her negative behaviors. She is headed for a real pit and I can't stop it. I am not going to save her again this time. She has to learn on her own, and each time we have tried to save her brings a temporary change with no lasting results. It has to come from her and not from us. I do love her and want to see her happy and content in life, but I don't think that is going to come any time soon.
I believe that she can do it. I know she has the strength inside of her. Maybe not to completely overcome all of her problems. She will struggle with certain things her whole life. I struggle with depression a lot. However, it doesn't consume my life for the most part. I think if she really tried she would be like that. But I am not sure she will. It is hard to change. I know this. I struggle with stuff myself. But sometimes you have to change. Sometimes your options are just not good to stay where you are at. But only you can make that choice, not one else. And she is to that point where only she can decide where she is going to go in the future. We are here for her. She has therapy if she chooses. She has the church if she chooses. She has moral support, monetary support, love and prayers. But she has to choose it.
In one way I have gained a stronger understanding of certain things. I always wondered why God requires you to ask for most of the things you need. He doesn't just step in and try to help when things are going badly, even if you want him to. You have to ask. Two reasons. First you need to gain some wisdom and understanding from you experiences and secondly...... You have to truly want to be helped in order to make a change. If he just stepped in nothing would change. But by your asking for it, he knows that you truly do want and need his help, and he then can give it to you with you true and honest efforts. That is what is needed.
Anyway....... Ian and I are supposed to go away on a trip this coming week. I hope we will truly get to go. Not sure what will happen with Lauren. Given her actions of the past two days we may have to cancel it. I will have really hard feelings towards her if we do. We haven't been away for years because of all that has happened with Lauren. Please keep her in your prayers.
Samantha
She wants nothing to do with any of us, and simply wants to go back to Colorado. Problem is, it won't be any better. She does have her job, but other than that, she has alienated most of her friends there as well. So what do you do when you have driven them all away, and there isn't much left. I would hope that you realize what you are doing and make a change. A real honest change, and not just a day or two to smooth things over and then go back to behavior that just doesn't work.
I wish I could do more than just pray for her and try to be there for her without supporting her negative behaviors. She is headed for a real pit and I can't stop it. I am not going to save her again this time. She has to learn on her own, and each time we have tried to save her brings a temporary change with no lasting results. It has to come from her and not from us. I do love her and want to see her happy and content in life, but I don't think that is going to come any time soon.
I believe that she can do it. I know she has the strength inside of her. Maybe not to completely overcome all of her problems. She will struggle with certain things her whole life. I struggle with depression a lot. However, it doesn't consume my life for the most part. I think if she really tried she would be like that. But I am not sure she will. It is hard to change. I know this. I struggle with stuff myself. But sometimes you have to change. Sometimes your options are just not good to stay where you are at. But only you can make that choice, not one else. And she is to that point where only she can decide where she is going to go in the future. We are here for her. She has therapy if she chooses. She has the church if she chooses. She has moral support, monetary support, love and prayers. But she has to choose it.
In one way I have gained a stronger understanding of certain things. I always wondered why God requires you to ask for most of the things you need. He doesn't just step in and try to help when things are going badly, even if you want him to. You have to ask. Two reasons. First you need to gain some wisdom and understanding from you experiences and secondly...... You have to truly want to be helped in order to make a change. If he just stepped in nothing would change. But by your asking for it, he knows that you truly do want and need his help, and he then can give it to you with you true and honest efforts. That is what is needed.
Anyway....... Ian and I are supposed to go away on a trip this coming week. I hope we will truly get to go. Not sure what will happen with Lauren. Given her actions of the past two days we may have to cancel it. I will have really hard feelings towards her if we do. We haven't been away for years because of all that has happened with Lauren. Please keep her in your prayers.
Samantha
Monday, May 21, 2012
Lauren is Home
Lauren came home the end of April. We were so glad to have her back. She did wonderfully the first week. Was gung ho, cut off old friends, was just good. Then things started falling apart again. She contacted old druggie friends again, started smoking and just generally acting up. She hasn't been violent this time around though. So something must be different. Don't know what, maybe the fact that she is off recreational drugs for the most part.
Within the first two weeks she had run away twice again. Police brought her home. She decided to start again. Then she fell again, and again, but each time she has started over again. Or I guess picked herself up and kept trying. I guess that is good. It is certainly a change from before when she didn't care who she hurt, herself or anyone else.
I know she is struggling, and I know she is unhappy for the most part, but at least she is still trying....that is progress. She also got a job at the Subway near us and is doing an excellent job there. She likes it and works hard and is responsible there etc. It has been good for her and good for us. She still isn't sure what she is going to do about school, or church....... but I am trying to be patient and see success where it is.
This weekend had some revelations for me. I realized that my husbands reactions toward Lauren are all based on my reactions towards her. It used to be that he could be calm when I wasn't and vice a versa. But now if I am upset, he is. He loves her, but he is trying to protect me more than help her. I have real mixed feeling about that. I think his first priority should be helping her, but then I am also glad that he is so concerned about how it all effects me that his greatest desire is to cause me less harm, emotional of physical.
I also realized (again) that my job is to love. She has been taught what is right and wrong, and she nows those principals. She is aware of consequences and the gospel. It is her job to act. Lesson after lesson has shown me that the best way to get her back on the right path is to show it to her by example and love her regardless of what she does. That is really difficult at times. Not the loving, but to show that love. Sometimes I just want to throttle her. I guess that is a natural human instinct, but of little use.
In spite of it all I am glad she is here, and I hope she continues trying and makes progress step by step, even if it is a little slower than I would like. Again please keep all of us and especially her in your prayers. She needs all the help she can get. Me too!
Within the first two weeks she had run away twice again. Police brought her home. She decided to start again. Then she fell again, and again, but each time she has started over again. Or I guess picked herself up and kept trying. I guess that is good. It is certainly a change from before when she didn't care who she hurt, herself or anyone else.
I know she is struggling, and I know she is unhappy for the most part, but at least she is still trying....that is progress. She also got a job at the Subway near us and is doing an excellent job there. She likes it and works hard and is responsible there etc. It has been good for her and good for us. She still isn't sure what she is going to do about school, or church....... but I am trying to be patient and see success where it is.
This weekend had some revelations for me. I realized that my husbands reactions toward Lauren are all based on my reactions towards her. It used to be that he could be calm when I wasn't and vice a versa. But now if I am upset, he is. He loves her, but he is trying to protect me more than help her. I have real mixed feeling about that. I think his first priority should be helping her, but then I am also glad that he is so concerned about how it all effects me that his greatest desire is to cause me less harm, emotional of physical.
I also realized (again) that my job is to love. She has been taught what is right and wrong, and she nows those principals. She is aware of consequences and the gospel. It is her job to act. Lesson after lesson has shown me that the best way to get her back on the right path is to show it to her by example and love her regardless of what she does. That is really difficult at times. Not the loving, but to show that love. Sometimes I just want to throttle her. I guess that is a natural human instinct, but of little use.
In spite of it all I am glad she is here, and I hope she continues trying and makes progress step by step, even if it is a little slower than I would like. Again please keep all of us and especially her in your prayers. She needs all the help she can get. Me too!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Update
It's been a bit since I posted. Lauren has been in Utah in a treatment center for her BPD. They don't actually deal with BPD or treat it, but they do other stuff that seems to center her and help her to think straight. In a lot of ways it is excellent for her, and in others it isn't. They don't seem to understand her on some of her issues. In face sometimes they confront her on things in a way that really shows they don't get it. But all in all it has been good for her. And the people there really care about her.
We got to spend Easter with her and family when we were home. It went really well and she handled some problems very well. It was a nice time to be home with family, and it was especially good to spend it with her.
Right now she is home. She came home yesterday. It is supposed to be for a week visit to see how we work things out and how she does, but if it goes well she will just stay here. Not perfect just well. Meaning she is really trying and not returning to old behaviors. The insurance has pretty much said they think she is done and don't want to pay anymore and when she came home they essentially looked at it as thought she was discharged. I'm okay with that. I have missed her. And I do want he here.
Yesterday she did pretty good, there were some issues where I think she put friends before family, but that isn't so unusual for a girl her age and especially with her disorder, and the girls she was with really are good girls.
My biggest concern for her is that she still hasn't given up on this boy from before. I don't think he is a bad kid, but I don't think he is good for her. He has too many similar issues and too many past problems. He really cares for her and I am sure she cares for him too, but together they really can't support each other in healthy ways. She isn't ready to see that for now, and at least she knows that for now there will be no contact. He is in a treatment center for I don't know what right now. She contacted him yesterday. That was a concern to me. I think my other concern is her being able to deal with closing back doors. In other words not hanging out with and letting them no, she is not going to, friends that are not good for her. Last night she did close a back door. It was very difficult for her and the girl took it very badly which really hurt Lauren, but I think she realizes that she really can't help the girl because she isn't strong enough right now, and the girl isn't healthy. It was sad, but she did a good job of it I think. I am sure it was hard for her.
I struggled last night about how I should handle some things and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my job to tell her how to handle things. It was my job to support her good decisions. I think that turned out well. I need to be more trustful and supportive of her and not try to micro manage her life which I have done in the past. I hope we can both work on this and that things go well. Anyway..... I am glad she is home. I have missed her and love her.
We got to spend Easter with her and family when we were home. It went really well and she handled some problems very well. It was a nice time to be home with family, and it was especially good to spend it with her.
Right now she is home. She came home yesterday. It is supposed to be for a week visit to see how we work things out and how she does, but if it goes well she will just stay here. Not perfect just well. Meaning she is really trying and not returning to old behaviors. The insurance has pretty much said they think she is done and don't want to pay anymore and when she came home they essentially looked at it as thought she was discharged. I'm okay with that. I have missed her. And I do want he here.
Yesterday she did pretty good, there were some issues where I think she put friends before family, but that isn't so unusual for a girl her age and especially with her disorder, and the girls she was with really are good girls.
My biggest concern for her is that she still hasn't given up on this boy from before. I don't think he is a bad kid, but I don't think he is good for her. He has too many similar issues and too many past problems. He really cares for her and I am sure she cares for him too, but together they really can't support each other in healthy ways. She isn't ready to see that for now, and at least she knows that for now there will be no contact. He is in a treatment center for I don't know what right now. She contacted him yesterday. That was a concern to me. I think my other concern is her being able to deal with closing back doors. In other words not hanging out with and letting them no, she is not going to, friends that are not good for her. Last night she did close a back door. It was very difficult for her and the girl took it very badly which really hurt Lauren, but I think she realizes that she really can't help the girl because she isn't strong enough right now, and the girl isn't healthy. It was sad, but she did a good job of it I think. I am sure it was hard for her.
I struggled last night about how I should handle some things and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my job to tell her how to handle things. It was my job to support her good decisions. I think that turned out well. I need to be more trustful and supportive of her and not try to micro manage her life which I have done in the past. I hope we can both work on this and that things go well. Anyway..... I am glad she is home. I have missed her and love her.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Nice Weekend
This has been a really nice weekend. Not for any reason in particular; The boysI went to the Boy Scout Klondike campout (which was very non-Klondike -- temperatures in the 50s and more mud than snow) while Samantha stayed home with Ben and helped him get caught up on his homework. I was in some pain because I had a really nasty wipeout on my bike on Friday and have deep road rash all over my left thigh and hip. But it was still really nice. Seth and Chance had a really good time camping, Samantha and Ben both felt good about all they got done, church was pleasant and the house was... not exactly "peaceful", with all the roughhousing of the boys, but happy.
Over the last three years, our house is not one you would often call happy. Ben's being gone so much, and the nature of his absence, was bad, but the biggest source of stress has been Lauren. I feel guilty about it, but I find myself wondering if I really want her to come home. It's taken a month of her absence to get where I feel like we've finally all been able to relax far enough to be the family we really are, rather than a group of people who are all wound a little too tight by tension, frustration and anger.
Further, I'm really wanting to see what we can make of it with even more time. Maybe we can get Ben moving forward with more confidence into the adult world which is scaring him so much right now. Maybe we can get Seth settled into a new routine in school and we can finally have one kid who manages a normal teenage life, complete with some (good!) friends, school activities, dances, plans for college, etc. Maybe we can help Chance learn to deal with his explosive temper, get his weight under control, maybe get into some sports, and prepare him to have a better teenage experience than Ben and Lauren had.
Over the last three years, our house is not one you would often call happy. Ben's being gone so much, and the nature of his absence, was bad, but the biggest source of stress has been Lauren. I feel guilty about it, but I find myself wondering if I really want her to come home. It's taken a month of her absence to get where I feel like we've finally all been able to relax far enough to be the family we really are, rather than a group of people who are all wound a little too tight by tension, frustration and anger.
Further, I'm really wanting to see what we can make of it with even more time. Maybe we can get Ben moving forward with more confidence into the adult world which is scaring him so much right now. Maybe we can get Seth settled into a new routine in school and we can finally have one kid who manages a normal teenage life, complete with some (good!) friends, school activities, dances, plans for college, etc. Maybe we can help Chance learn to deal with his explosive temper, get his weight under control, maybe get into some sports, and prepare him to have a better teenage experience than Ben and Lauren had.
I don't know for sure what's going to happen when Lauren comes back, but I am pretty sure that it won't all be smooth sailing, that she'll once again be demanding most of our attention. I'm hopeful that she'll do better. Actually, I'm confident that she will, at least for a while. But her emotion disorder is not something that just gets "fixed", by any amount of treatment.
The only way past her problems is through them, and that means there is going to be a lot more strife and heartache -- far more for her than for us. I ache to think what she's going through and will have to go through in years to come. I think she's in a really good place right now, focused on the right things, and with a really clear understanding of what she needs. It won't last once she's dropped back into real life, though, where she has to deal with people who not only aren't supportive but are downright vicious, and the emotion storms they will trigger. She's going to have to learn to fight her way through that, to find her stability and peace in spite of the world, and it's going to be extremely hard.
I love her very much, and so badly want her to succeed. I really want to help her succeed, and I want her to be back home with us and to share our lives. At the same time, I dread it, and I feel guilty for dreading it. I feel sorry for what she goes through, and I feel sorry for the boys and the damage that having always stressed-out parents does them. Chance in particular is full of anxieties, insecurities and anger, caused in large part by our inability to deal adequately with the stress.
Nephi promised us that the Lord will never give us a trial that is more than we can bear, but this is a test that I feel like we fail. I fail. As the house has de-stressed, I realize how angry and reclusive I've so often been. I haven't taken it out on the boys in any overt ways, but I haven't been there like I should. I take refuge in the intellectual challenges posed by my job, and at home I hide out in my room or in the tub and escape into fiction, or math puzzles, or TV shows. At this point, it's a hard pattern to break, but at least I find myself wanting to hang out with the boys, and that's a big change. Their loud, rough play makes me smile rather than driving me nuts.
I guess that's what really tears me up. I want Lauren to come home and be part of a healing, happier family -- if still a very imperfect one. I'd love to have a few really great months before Ben leaves us to go on a mission (assuming he gets approval). But I dread what it will be like if things go badly for her, and I hate even to write that because it gives the impression that I'm not equally anxious to have her home, and to see her succeed. But I am!
So, I'm anxious to have her advance in the Life Line program, and to see her return home with new focus and new energy, but I don't want her to come home for a while yet. I don't think we've completely re-grounded ourselves yet; a month hasn't been enough. And even when she's ready and we're ready, I know I'm going to look at her return with a great deal of trepidation to go with the joy -- and I hope my fears don't damage her chances of success. That's a real risk.
The boys are looking at it the same way, I think. They miss her, but are also enjoying the calmer, smoother life without her, and enjoying less ornery parents.
However, right now I need not to think about all of that. It's been a good weekend and the week coming up looks to be more good days, if very busy, as we prepare for our trip to D.C. on Thursday. We're going to have a great time with the boys, and with Breanna, Sam's niece. We'll miss Lauren, and wish she was there to see and do all of the cool things we're going to do. Hopefully both parts of that -- happy family times and missing Lauren -- will help us to de-stress and deconflict, so that by the time she's ready to come home in a few weeks, we'll be ready to welcome her with open arms, and willing and able to do our utmost to help her succeed at life.
Ian
The only way past her problems is through them, and that means there is going to be a lot more strife and heartache -- far more for her than for us. I ache to think what she's going through and will have to go through in years to come. I think she's in a really good place right now, focused on the right things, and with a really clear understanding of what she needs. It won't last once she's dropped back into real life, though, where she has to deal with people who not only aren't supportive but are downright vicious, and the emotion storms they will trigger. She's going to have to learn to fight her way through that, to find her stability and peace in spite of the world, and it's going to be extremely hard.
I love her very much, and so badly want her to succeed. I really want to help her succeed, and I want her to be back home with us and to share our lives. At the same time, I dread it, and I feel guilty for dreading it. I feel sorry for what she goes through, and I feel sorry for the boys and the damage that having always stressed-out parents does them. Chance in particular is full of anxieties, insecurities and anger, caused in large part by our inability to deal adequately with the stress.
Nephi promised us that the Lord will never give us a trial that is more than we can bear, but this is a test that I feel like we fail. I fail. As the house has de-stressed, I realize how angry and reclusive I've so often been. I haven't taken it out on the boys in any overt ways, but I haven't been there like I should. I take refuge in the intellectual challenges posed by my job, and at home I hide out in my room or in the tub and escape into fiction, or math puzzles, or TV shows. At this point, it's a hard pattern to break, but at least I find myself wanting to hang out with the boys, and that's a big change. Their loud, rough play makes me smile rather than driving me nuts.
I guess that's what really tears me up. I want Lauren to come home and be part of a healing, happier family -- if still a very imperfect one. I'd love to have a few really great months before Ben leaves us to go on a mission (assuming he gets approval). But I dread what it will be like if things go badly for her, and I hate even to write that because it gives the impression that I'm not equally anxious to have her home, and to see her succeed. But I am!
So, I'm anxious to have her advance in the Life Line program, and to see her return home with new focus and new energy, but I don't want her to come home for a while yet. I don't think we've completely re-grounded ourselves yet; a month hasn't been enough. And even when she's ready and we're ready, I know I'm going to look at her return with a great deal of trepidation to go with the joy -- and I hope my fears don't damage her chances of success. That's a real risk.
The boys are looking at it the same way, I think. They miss her, but are also enjoying the calmer, smoother life without her, and enjoying less ornery parents.
However, right now I need not to think about all of that. It's been a good weekend and the week coming up looks to be more good days, if very busy, as we prepare for our trip to D.C. on Thursday. We're going to have a great time with the boys, and with Breanna, Sam's niece. We'll miss Lauren, and wish she was there to see and do all of the cool things we're going to do. Hopefully both parts of that -- happy family times and missing Lauren -- will help us to de-stress and deconflict, so that by the time she's ready to come home in a few weeks, we'll be ready to welcome her with open arms, and willing and able to do our utmost to help her succeed at life.
Ian
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Life Line
Lots has happened since I wrote last. Lauren got so out of control that the state placed on a 72 hour hold and then transfered her to an acute psychiatric unit, which she stayed at WAY TOO LONG. Then she made matters worse by Stealing our car, running away, and hurting me. She was again placed on another 72 hour hold, and then transferred to a Residential Treatment Center in Utah called Lifeline.
I like the place. She has been there before, and the staff really care and know her. I am not sure she will get much out of it, but I am not sure she would get much out of any place. And given that the places here wanted to be able to physically restrain her if necessary (pretty common with most of their clients) I am not sure I wanted her there. She hasn't really been violent except for the past 6 months with Ian and I. I am wondering if it is caused by the birth control we had put in her arm. It is pretty much all progesterone, which can cause violence in some patients.
Anyway..... Lauren is lonely. I know this, and I feel badly for it. I wish she were here, but I also think this time away is good for both of us. She needs to calm down, take some time to work on her issues, and she is safe for the moment. She was not before. And hopefully it will help her see that you don't have to be constantly with someone in order for them to continue to love you. We still love her and miss her, and want her back. Maybe it will help her realize she misses us too. On our end it gives us some time to spend quality time with the boys and regroup and re think and recoup.
I have done a lot of reading lately, and have been working through some of my own issues as well. It is amazing to me that I was able to think that all of our issues were about her. They are so totally not. I realize that some of the ways I deal with things are just as harmful as her ways, at least mentally.
So we are all working. If you can keep Lauren in your prayers. And if you get a chance write to her and let her know you are thinking about her. For now, things are pretty calm. I am really praying and hoping that this time helps. One must never give up!
Samantha.
I like the place. She has been there before, and the staff really care and know her. I am not sure she will get much out of it, but I am not sure she would get much out of any place. And given that the places here wanted to be able to physically restrain her if necessary (pretty common with most of their clients) I am not sure I wanted her there. She hasn't really been violent except for the past 6 months with Ian and I. I am wondering if it is caused by the birth control we had put in her arm. It is pretty much all progesterone, which can cause violence in some patients.
Anyway..... Lauren is lonely. I know this, and I feel badly for it. I wish she were here, but I also think this time away is good for both of us. She needs to calm down, take some time to work on her issues, and she is safe for the moment. She was not before. And hopefully it will help her see that you don't have to be constantly with someone in order for them to continue to love you. We still love her and miss her, and want her back. Maybe it will help her realize she misses us too. On our end it gives us some time to spend quality time with the boys and regroup and re think and recoup.
I have done a lot of reading lately, and have been working through some of my own issues as well. It is amazing to me that I was able to think that all of our issues were about her. They are so totally not. I realize that some of the ways I deal with things are just as harmful as her ways, at least mentally.
So we are all working. If you can keep Lauren in your prayers. And if you get a chance write to her and let her know you are thinking about her. For now, things are pretty calm. I am really praying and hoping that this time helps. One must never give up!
Samantha.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
When Hope is Not Enough
That is the title of a book I am reading. IT has some good stuff. I do feel as though I understand Lauren, but understanding her and being able to guide and parent her are two different things. They had a list in the book that helps one to understand why they act why they act.
First of all it is not the action that causes the problem. It is their reaction to the problem. Because they tend to have dysregulated emotions (essentially meaning they don't perceive something that happened the same way most people do) their emotional reactions are in line with what they perceived. So the way in which we react to their emotions becomes a second nature to us, and often is dysregulated as well. Example: I tell Lauren no she can't hang out with friends because her homework isn't done. She hears it as you are stupid, you can't even do your homework. This makes her first feel sad, them shameful, then mad --because she can't handle sad or shame. Anger wins and with anger comes attacking. So she yells at me and reacts as though I had insulted her and defamed her. That makes me angry and I yell back, and it becomes personal and it escalates. So the trick is to be able to detach her reaction from mine. Not so easy, but something I have to work on.
The list was here. It is very informative in helping to understand her reactions to things.
1. All time is in the present. If something makes me feel bad now, it is linked directly to the greatest pain I ever experienced -- and that pain is happening now too. Time can't heal any wounds because time never really passes. everything - past, present and future in NOW.
2. If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living. Therefore, admitting I am wrong - or that I did something to hurt someone - feels like committing suicide. I don't really want to die, so I can't acknowledge I am wrong, even to myself.
3. I am wrong means I AM wrong. It's not about what I did, it's about who I am. This is also true of other people. If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable. If I do/did something wrong I am broken.
4. I am constantly being judged by people who don't understand my situation, including myself. And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death. See #2
5. Memories are the files in the mental cabinet. But because i am always being judged, I need to use those files like a lawyer. Therefor only the memories that suit my current feeling will be called up. Those that present evidence that contradicts what I am feeling will not be considered admissible, or they will be doctored to preserve my innocence. Again it is and matter of life or death.
6. I am like a ship with a thin, fragile hull. Any hole will sink me. Therefore anything that approaches near enough is a danger and must be kept away at all costs.
7. Everyone is just an extension of me - so if I can't control them, it means I can't control myself. Likewise when someone steps outside my control I lose control.
8. I cannot bear pain - therefore I must find someone else to bear it for me. If they don't take my pain I will be crushed literally.
9. If I take responsibility for making something happen, I will have to deal with disappointment. At some point, it won't work and that means I will have been wrong, which will feel like death, so I can't risk responsibility.
10. Relationships are attractive, but will end in disappointment. They are like cigarettes and drugs, soothing at first but they'll kill you. This makes them toxic.
11.I was abused and need shelter. But whatever shelter I run to, they will eventually abuse me, so I must be constantly on guard. If I let my guard down I will be abused again. There is only one thing that leads to abuse -- trust.
12. Asking me to be calm in the face of what I see is danger is like asking the scarecrow to not be afraid when the Wicked Witch hold up the burning broom.
13. Thought is reality. If I think of something it is already done. If someone else mention something they have already made it happen.
14. Anyone who wants something wants it right now, including me. All needs must be satisfied instantly, or something is wrong. And wrong means death.
15. I would never hurt me or anyone else. Therefore is that occurs it mean someone other than me did it.
16. The way the world works is cause and effect. If I feel a certain way, I will find a cause for it that does not involve me, because otherwise I would be judged as wrong and wrong is death.
17. Other people created the shame I carry. Therefore only other people can remove it. I was rendered powerless to do anything about it. I need them to make me better.
18. The world is how I feel. Anything that does not reflect/support my feeling must be annihilated. When it comes to feelings and ideas other than what I experience I am like the taliban. Those who threaten me must be removed from y midst.
19. If you agree with me you agree with my feelings, which ARE me. If you disagree with me, you disagree with my feelings which are me, which makes ME wrong.
20. There is not greater weakness than vulnerability. Open yourself up and you will e exposed. if you are exposed you must rely on trust which is the cause of abuse.
So everything is rooted in the present, and my feelings are me, and if I am wrong then I AM wrong. Even if actual abuse hasn't happened, and emotional invalidation feels like it because it invalidates their very nature of being.
This actually helps me understand of lot of why she acts as she does, but it is so had to know how to help. And the few tips I do have and am trying are slow in working. Hopefully this book will help.
Samantha
First of all it is not the action that causes the problem. It is their reaction to the problem. Because they tend to have dysregulated emotions (essentially meaning they don't perceive something that happened the same way most people do) their emotional reactions are in line with what they perceived. So the way in which we react to their emotions becomes a second nature to us, and often is dysregulated as well. Example: I tell Lauren no she can't hang out with friends because her homework isn't done. She hears it as you are stupid, you can't even do your homework. This makes her first feel sad, them shameful, then mad --because she can't handle sad or shame. Anger wins and with anger comes attacking. So she yells at me and reacts as though I had insulted her and defamed her. That makes me angry and I yell back, and it becomes personal and it escalates. So the trick is to be able to detach her reaction from mine. Not so easy, but something I have to work on.
The list was here. It is very informative in helping to understand her reactions to things.
1. All time is in the present. If something makes me feel bad now, it is linked directly to the greatest pain I ever experienced -- and that pain is happening now too. Time can't heal any wounds because time never really passes. everything - past, present and future in NOW.
2. If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living. Therefore, admitting I am wrong - or that I did something to hurt someone - feels like committing suicide. I don't really want to die, so I can't acknowledge I am wrong, even to myself.
3. I am wrong means I AM wrong. It's not about what I did, it's about who I am. This is also true of other people. If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable. If I do/did something wrong I am broken.
4. I am constantly being judged by people who don't understand my situation, including myself. And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death. See #2
5. Memories are the files in the mental cabinet. But because i am always being judged, I need to use those files like a lawyer. Therefor only the memories that suit my current feeling will be called up. Those that present evidence that contradicts what I am feeling will not be considered admissible, or they will be doctored to preserve my innocence. Again it is and matter of life or death.
6. I am like a ship with a thin, fragile hull. Any hole will sink me. Therefore anything that approaches near enough is a danger and must be kept away at all costs.
7. Everyone is just an extension of me - so if I can't control them, it means I can't control myself. Likewise when someone steps outside my control I lose control.
8. I cannot bear pain - therefore I must find someone else to bear it for me. If they don't take my pain I will be crushed literally.
9. If I take responsibility for making something happen, I will have to deal with disappointment. At some point, it won't work and that means I will have been wrong, which will feel like death, so I can't risk responsibility.
10. Relationships are attractive, but will end in disappointment. They are like cigarettes and drugs, soothing at first but they'll kill you. This makes them toxic.
11.I was abused and need shelter. But whatever shelter I run to, they will eventually abuse me, so I must be constantly on guard. If I let my guard down I will be abused again. There is only one thing that leads to abuse -- trust.
12. Asking me to be calm in the face of what I see is danger is like asking the scarecrow to not be afraid when the Wicked Witch hold up the burning broom.
13. Thought is reality. If I think of something it is already done. If someone else mention something they have already made it happen.
14. Anyone who wants something wants it right now, including me. All needs must be satisfied instantly, or something is wrong. And wrong means death.
15. I would never hurt me or anyone else. Therefore is that occurs it mean someone other than me did it.
16. The way the world works is cause and effect. If I feel a certain way, I will find a cause for it that does not involve me, because otherwise I would be judged as wrong and wrong is death.
17. Other people created the shame I carry. Therefore only other people can remove it. I was rendered powerless to do anything about it. I need them to make me better.
18. The world is how I feel. Anything that does not reflect/support my feeling must be annihilated. When it comes to feelings and ideas other than what I experience I am like the taliban. Those who threaten me must be removed from y midst.
19. If you agree with me you agree with my feelings, which ARE me. If you disagree with me, you disagree with my feelings which are me, which makes ME wrong.
20. There is not greater weakness than vulnerability. Open yourself up and you will e exposed. if you are exposed you must rely on trust which is the cause of abuse.
So everything is rooted in the present, and my feelings are me, and if I am wrong then I AM wrong. Even if actual abuse hasn't happened, and emotional invalidation feels like it because it invalidates their very nature of being.
This actually helps me understand of lot of why she acts as she does, but it is so had to know how to help. And the few tips I do have and am trying are slow in working. Hopefully this book will help.
Samantha
Friday, January 13, 2012
Bad Parenting - we are the experts
So last night after Lauren gets out of her personal session with her therapist I ask her what they talked about. She never tells me details just ideas, which is okay. I would like more, but at least she is sharing a little. She tells me, while I've taken her a nice place to eat, that she isn't going to tell me anymore. She and her therapist think that I over react to everything she says and take all of the therapists advice to the extreme. She has no privacy whatsoever and this is private and she doesn't have to tell and is not going to. She is not in therapy for us, she is in therapy for her. Our only job is to pay for it.
Lauren has said many things before so I am not sure any of this is true of not. However...... In my own defense I would like to say.... Dealing with her on a day to day basis is very difficult. She gets away with more than any of our other kids. We allow her freedoms that our other kids would never dream of having. On top of this she has the least responsibility of anyone in our home, including her 10 year old brother. I run her places, buy her stuff, even when she has overspent her allowance. I try to show her daily how much I love her, and it is never enough. I try to spend 1/2 hour with her, just talking, visiting, doing homework, or whatever, and she claims it is intrusive and that we need less time together. She does not share with us. Yes, we search her room. I have found stolen medications in there. Hoarded medications in there, razor blades in there, pot pipes. So no she doesn't have that privacy. Same with Facebook and e-mail. Both have been used too many times for sexting, creating drama, or suicide threats, or even searching for ways to commit suicide. So no, she has no privacy there. Yes we monitor her phone. Sex has been an issue for her, along with just plain drama, and her phone has been a major instigator of a lot of that. Even though she is not supposed to erase texts - she does often, and yet she still has her phone. It we take it away it is because we are unreasonable.
Power Struggles. Essentially Lauren thinks that in a power struggle the point is to let her have her way. She says she is willing to reach some middle ground. Well it depends on the thing to begin with. If we don't feel firmly about it, she usually gets her way just to avoid a power struggle. The only time there is one, is when we stand our ground. And then we are to meet her half way, which isn't a solution, it is just her always getting her way.
I have three boys. One with ADD and learning disabilities, one with ADD, who is finding his introduction to teenage hood difficult as his parents are constantly trying to put out fires created by his sister, and have little time or patience left over for normal teenage drama, and a younger son with ADHD. I am stretched thin, and when Lauren doesn't get what she wants, right now, this instant, she throws a fit, and throws up the you don't care, or love me card. Then she proceeds to make everyone's life as miserable as possible. My husband is working many hours right now. As this is his first year on the job, he needs to prove his worth, and is often not home to deal with the kids or issues. The few times he does step in is when it is so out of control for me that I can't deal with it. Lauren and his relationship is pretty much in a shambles regardless of his love and care for her. I am stretched to my limit, and am finding it hard to just keep up with the day to day issues myself.
I try to apply what we have talked about, and then I get messages like today that we are stifling her freedoms, and privacy and have no right to information regarding her treatment. I agree she is not in therapy for us, but for her. However that doesn't mean that we don't want to help her. I love my daughter immensely. More than she will ever understand, but she is hurting me more that she knows, and it is taking its effects not only in my mental health but in my physical health as well. I have chronic Kidney Disease and in the last few months my creatinine levels have risen a lot. Stress is not good for my kidneys, but I am at a loss as to how to prevent it given what we are dealing with constantly.
If you want to know the truth. I am at a loss as to what to do next. I think things are going along for a week or so okay and then she drops a bomb like this in my lap. It seems to me that if I suggest some way to help Lauren with her therapy, it makes it an automatic thing NOT to do. If I feel she would benefit from some program or activity, then she definitely WON"T. She says we don't care about her and only try to control her life so ours don't look bad. In response I see a girl who if she doesn't' get what she wants, when she wants, throws tizzy fits, makes everyones life miserable, and has an attitude of it's my way or go to hell. No one else's desires or wants in this life matter except for hers.
While I realize that a lot of this is from years of negative self talking, and from bad thinking patterns that came as a result of certain abusive situations, and I can understand that, it doesn't make the attacks any less hurtful. There is not a day go by that I don't get told she hates me. Not a day that she doesn't yell at me. That she says I am intrusive because I would like to be aware of what is happening in her life. And the worst things she keeps saying is that she needs time away from us to solve her problems and the expects us to find someone to take her. No one on either sides of our family would be willing to take her. They have seen how she acts. Furthermore, I don't see how her being away from family repairs the family situation at all.
Anyway....... I do think I need to know what the appointment is about so I can help her with it during the week. She never gives me details and even if I asked she wouldn't. I'm not asking for a play by play. I am asking for what did you talk about, what kids of solutions did you come up with and how can we implement them.
Most of all I am tired of being the excuse for her miserable life. I am tired of being made to feel like a terrible parent when I am trying to care for her and help her.
Samantha
--
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Havoc for the Holidays
We had quite the upheaval over the holidays. It all started with pot pipes, and suicide notes and body piercings. Things calmed down a little and we headed to Utah to visit family. Upheaval again. Refusal to obey simple basic family rules. So our lovely Lauren decided that living somewhere else would be the way to go. We allowed her to leave. She found a friend's mom to stay with for a few days. Eventually she decided that she wanted to come back home and that the rules weren't that bad. Although we let her go, we were worried about her the whole time. And even more we missed her. Christmas has always been such a huge traditional thing in our family, and not having her there for games with family, seeing the lights at Christmas Village, the traditional pizza party, and such was heart breaking. I missed her and worried about her. I still enjoyed all of the activities with family and friends, and still tried to make it a nice time for my other kids, but I worried and missed her. I was so glad when she decided she wanted to return to live with us.
The next few days were great. Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was. She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family. I got a beautiful ornament she made. And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in. She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever. I think she made it so, for us and her. Everyone got a gift and a note about how they were an influence of good in her life. It was very nice and very thoughtful. When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart. I have said she has a good heart and it is so true. She brought a lot of joy to people this day. And I think she was truly happy as well.
After Christmas she made some bad choices. The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home". When asked why, she said to escape her life. Drugs aren't just a flirtation. She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem. Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note. And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note. I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile. We were finally able to work things out with her granny. Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on. She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough. Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds. It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month. Those stolen can't be replaced. Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.
The second bad choice. Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren. They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful. In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once. That is over 500 mg of Morphine. She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER. They immediately put her on an anti-opiate. The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating. She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing. Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again. So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.
I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed. At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in. You are so angry that this has happened again. You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead. You wonder how many times will she be lucky. You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it. You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it. Only her and the doctors that she interacts with. As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling. At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short. They have been getting shorter and shorter. What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better. A new surge of energy to succeed. The first time it was good two months afterwards. The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down. This time lasted about 2 days.
Ian and I went home. He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work. He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath. I feel isolated at those times. I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders. While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone. My sister was so good to me this time. She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day. Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life. We were lucky this time. They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist. Which she did. Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it. Only get to pay for it.
Again the next few days were fine. We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall. On the last day of being home it fell. Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa. We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused. She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her. He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her. She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him. He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened. She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard. Really hard. I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control. He insisted he wasn't. I knew she was hurt. She broke her collarbone. She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him. My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control. It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later. And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking. I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt. And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse. I can't handle that. I worry about that. Lauren has accused him of abuse before.
Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays. Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional. I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven. But so often home is not. Home is a battle ground. I hate it. It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers. We are all scarred from it. But how do you change it. What more can one do. We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of. We strive to live religious standards in our home. We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities. And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken. You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.
Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do. I know that Ian is. I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach. I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that. Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings. I know that God loves her. I know he can help her if she will let him.
In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season. The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me. Their support and love means so much to me. To not feel alone in this struggle. I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home. I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others. Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.
After we got home, things calmed down a bit. We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school. She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself. The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here. She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well. It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through. She is such a good person at heart. I wish it would always shine through. I wish she could always see it. I wish she could always feel it. I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.
I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I do know without them I would be lost. I am also grateful for Ian. He is my rock. I love him more than anything. I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me. And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys. I am glad in spite of it all to have my family. I just need to remember that!
Love Samantha
The next few days were great. Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was. She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family. I got a beautiful ornament she made. And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in. She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever. I think she made it so, for us and her. Everyone got a gift and a note about how they were an influence of good in her life. It was very nice and very thoughtful. When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart. I have said she has a good heart and it is so true. She brought a lot of joy to people this day. And I think she was truly happy as well.
After Christmas she made some bad choices. The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home". When asked why, she said to escape her life. Drugs aren't just a flirtation. She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem. Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note. And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note. I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile. We were finally able to work things out with her granny. Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on. She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough. Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds. It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month. Those stolen can't be replaced. Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.
The second bad choice. Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren. They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful. In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once. That is over 500 mg of Morphine. She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER. They immediately put her on an anti-opiate. The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating. She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing. Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again. So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.
I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed. At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in. You are so angry that this has happened again. You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead. You wonder how many times will she be lucky. You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it. You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it. Only her and the doctors that she interacts with. As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling. At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short. They have been getting shorter and shorter. What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better. A new surge of energy to succeed. The first time it was good two months afterwards. The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down. This time lasted about 2 days.
Ian and I went home. He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work. He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath. I feel isolated at those times. I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders. While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone. My sister was so good to me this time. She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day. Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life. We were lucky this time. They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist. Which she did. Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it. Only get to pay for it.
Again the next few days were fine. We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall. On the last day of being home it fell. Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa. We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused. She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her. He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her. She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him. He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened. She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard. Really hard. I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control. He insisted he wasn't. I knew she was hurt. She broke her collarbone. She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him. My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control. It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later. And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking. I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt. And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse. I can't handle that. I worry about that. Lauren has accused him of abuse before.
Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays. Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional. I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven. But so often home is not. Home is a battle ground. I hate it. It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers. We are all scarred from it. But how do you change it. What more can one do. We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of. We strive to live religious standards in our home. We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities. And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken. You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.
Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do. I know that Ian is. I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach. I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that. Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings. I know that God loves her. I know he can help her if she will let him.
In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season. The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me. Their support and love means so much to me. To not feel alone in this struggle. I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home. I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others. Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.
After we got home, things calmed down a bit. We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school. She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself. The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here. She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well. It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through. She is such a good person at heart. I wish it would always shine through. I wish she could always see it. I wish she could always feel it. I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.
I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I do know without them I would be lost. I am also grateful for Ian. He is my rock. I love him more than anything. I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me. And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys. I am glad in spite of it all to have my family. I just need to remember that!
Love Samantha
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