I've watched Lauren these last few months from afar. She hasn't wanted much contact with us. I took her to lunch once, but that was it other than that a few facebook messages, meeting her at Wal-mart to buy her a cold-weather sleeping bag and getting her stuff from an apartment (without her presence or help). She had broken up with her other boyfriend and moved out of his apartment so we picked up her stuff and stored it in our garage. Since moving out of his apartment she has been living with friends or on the street, which is why she needed the sleeping bag.
She got a new boyfriend pretty quickly, but her relationship with him ended quickly and tragically when he was killed in a hit-and-run accident shortly after the two of them separated to race each other home via different routes. She was only with him for a few weeks and now she is alone. It breaks my heart for her.
When I try to reach out to her she is distant. When I try to help her she takes the help... sometimes as though it is her right. But most of the time it is awkward. I think she feels we judge her. Perhaps we do. Not intentionally, but I do have a hard time believing she is happy, or that her actions will lead to happiness.
For one thing, although she swears she never wants to go back to jail, she quit meeting her probation officer and doing her drug tests, so she has a warrant out for her arrest. Her solution to that is to hide from the police, believing that if she can avoid being picked up for three years it'll go away (Ian has done some research into that belief and is pretty certain it's untrue; there doesn't seem to be a statute of limitations on probation violations).
After her boyfriend died I reached out to her. She called me back and picked her up and brought her home. Although the pending rape allegations she made against her brothers and her father mean that we can't really let her live in the house, where she might be able to claim other rape attempts, we offered to let her live in the trailer out back. It's not the greatest, but it does have a heater. She cried, bathed, ate and then got on the computer. Within an hour she wanted to go back with her friends. We took her back.
Later last week she called to say that she would be coming home after the funeral so she could enter rehab. I was hopeful that that meant she was wanting a change. I think in reality she had no place else to go. She had been living with her boyfriend on the sly, sneaking into his house every night, but with him gone she had no place to go, and it has gotten very cold out, with nighttime temperatures in the 20s, or even the teens.
We arranged for a place, a nice facility that has both mental health and substance abuse treatment. We want her to get the mental health treatment, and the court wants her to do substance abuse rehab. On Friday we took her down to look it over and talk with the counselor there. She was not in a good mood, and was quite curt and rude with us. She essentially told the counselor that she didn't want rehab. He of course, said that if she didn't want to be there it wasn't going to be useful, so said he didn't think it was the best place for her. We went to get something to eat and head back. But she wanted to get back to her friends immediately, so we skipped dinner and dropped her off. She told the counselor that she hears voices and has hallucinations. She's never had symptoms of schizophrenia before, and it doesn't run in the family, but who knows? She's definitely not well.
After the funeral she had her friend bring her to our house with all of her stuff. She was sad, but we invited her friends to stay for a while and eat with us. We had a nice dinner with them and the whole family. After dinner they left, and she got on the computer again, but when it was time for bed, she wanted stay in the house, not go to the trailer. Ian told her that was fine, but if she was in the house she would have to sleep with me. She wanted to be alone, not with me, so he told her it had to be the trailer. She was quite angry. He tried explaining nicely that with the charges she made against her brothers and him that she couldn't sleep in the house. We had to maintain a distance that left no chances. She finally went to the trailer, but was quite angry at us.
That night Ian came up with another solution. He would get a camera and install it in the hallway to the spare bedroom, configured to record all movement. That way she could sleep in the house because if she made any rape allegations we'd have proof that it hadn't happened (her previous allegations had been that she was raped while asleep; she is capable of defending herself while awake, so we really only had to solve the sleeping arrangement question).
The next morning, Tuesday, day before yesterday, Lauren came in the house from the trailer and got on the computer first thing. The internet sometimes slows down due to the valley where we live not having good service. It made her extremely angry and she started swearing quite obscenely about it. I asked nicely for her to not swear. She said that she would cuss because it was part of who she was, something she was proud of and that if I really loved her I would accept all aspects of her, not just the ones I liked.
I disagreed and told her that swearing was a choice and not inherent to her character or personality. She said her boyfriend had loved her foul mouth, her piercings, her tattoos, her green hair, her rebelliousness and that she should never change and she was going to honor his memory by never changing. I told her that was her choice but if she was in our home the rule was no bad language and she would have to obey that. She continued to get angry and asked why we wanted her back here if we couldn't accept her the way she was, or love her. I told her we did love her and we did accept her, but that didn't mean we had to lower the standards of our home, anyway... she got more upset and finally Ian got involved. He eventually lost his temper and told her to get out. She refused, and said that we'd always hated her, that we were so terrible to her her whole life, that we were horrible to her. He got really upset at that and said "You know what? I am done. I try and try and try, and you never meet us halfway or any way. From this point on I no longer have a daughter."
Of course that went over well. I kept telling him to calm down and go away, that I would handle it. At this point she decided she was leaving and was crying and a mess. It really hurt her feelings. Ian immediately felt terrible and tried to apologize and tell her he said it in a moment of anger, but she wouldn't let him take it back. She said she'd been waiting for years for him to say that, and had always known that he didn't want her. She wanted all of her stuff and was leaving right then.
I finally managed to coax her back inside and settle down a bit. We talked a bit, and she decided that she can't stay with us, that it won't work because she is always so angry with us. She feels like she is never good enough. I tried to explain that we don't feel that way, but she would have none of it. She said some pretty hurtful things as well. Things like we never wanted her, never loved her. That she has no good memories of us or her childhood. She said all of the times we tired to get her help in hospitals, or rehab centers or even with medications was nothing more than abandoning her and that we had done it her whole life. She told us we were the worst parents and could never love her unless we could love and accept all of the choices she made -- choices that, frankly, she made specifically because we thought they were bad ideas.
She talked about how doctors know nothing, how meds do nothing but screw her up. She talked about how our religion had done nothing but make her feel guilty her whole life. She was finally proud of who she was, her identity defined by her body modification, profanity, promiscuity, and drugs.
As I listened I thought she really does need help. What clearer evidence than the fact that she so completely lacks any sense of identity that she has to define herself in terms of such shallow characteristics, every one of them chosen in direct opposition to our ideals. Essentially, her identity is her opposition to our beliefs. Even more, she deliberately seeks out the opposition in every interaction with us -- even when we're not opposed. As an example, she once screamed at Ian that we're terrible people because we want to deny gay people the right to be married, and continued her tirade even after Ian said we wanted no such thing and had plans to attend my brother's marriage to his partner (Ian was their wedding photographer). But it didn't matter that her point of opposition was false, she wanted to make us out to be terrible. We have been careful not to criticize any of her choices, trying to get her to understand that we love her regardless of whether or not we think she's choosing well. But she consistently forces the issue, demanding that we must agree with and even like her choices, because if we don't, that means we don't like or love her.
I'm not sure if this is because she's testing, as borderline sufferers often do, to see if people will stick by her no matter how much she abuses them, as a way to prove that they care, or if she has no identity of her own so these choices really are, to her, the totality of her value as a person. I think maybe it's some of both. Either way, she's really unhealthy, but I can't force treatment because it won't work unless she wants it too. We finally got her to agree to see a psychiatrist and perhaps a therapist, though she said that she hates medications and probably won't take them.
Ian also offered to help pay for an apartment for her since if she can't live with us we don't want to see her on the street. Homelessness is never good, and in Utah where it gets so cold, it is worse. She got on the internet and found a friend who was willing to let her move in if we paid part of the rent. After I left for a little while to help my mom.
About 30 minutes later, Ian called and asked if I had any plain, unscented chapstick, because Lauren was upset that the new tattoo she had gotten in remembrance of her boyfriend had begun to dry out and crack and she needed to put something on it. I told him I had some in my purse but that I thought that was the only unscented chapstick I had. I came back, although it turned out that she couldn't use what I had.
She then became quite agitated, insisting that she had to leave right then to get some ointment that would help. She went into a full blown panic attack, unable to control her emotions, or her thought processes, and even sort of had some tics. I agreed to drive her down to Ogden and buy her some ointment for fresh tattoos. She yelled at me the whole time I was getting in the truck to go. She yelled at me for not moving fast enough or caring about her or anyone else and just myself. She yelled at me because I didn't have any chapstick, and then for not knowing she needed the ointment when I arrived. When I told her I thought it was pretty selfish to think that I should know what she and her dad talked about when I was gone she got really angry and made some completely nonsensical comments about how it was my responsibility to know these things, and not her fault. I harrumphed at that and she went on for the whole way down the canyon about how I never listen and that only with us does she get so out of control.
I finally told her that she was the only one who wouldn't let the subject drop, and she kept yelling at me to shut up and let her calm herself down, and that I never let her. Anyway... she was just mentally out of control. Not violent physically, but mentally. We finally made it to the store and bought her ointment. Then she said she couldn't go back up and told me to drop her off at a friends house. At this point I had been yelled at and verbally attacked for most of the day so I was happy to. I dropped her off, and went home. I spent the afternoon thinking and wondering and second guessing my actions and thoughts. She contacted me later to say that we could meet the girl she wanted to move in with today and that would we please bring all of her stuff to her, and asked me to wash all of her clothes for her. I did.
I got on the computer later to see that she had posted on facebook that her parents were willing to pay someone to let her live with them if it would just get her out of our lives, that is how much we hated her. She told us how much all of her friends hated us, because of how we treated her. It hurts. I won't say it doesn't. But last night I actually felt a little peace. I felt like God would watch out for her and that, no matter what, he knew her problems and that he loved her and that he would sort through things.
I know she is suicidal. I know she uses alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever to just get through life. I know she has no real purpose and won't plan for the future because she doesn't want a future. She wants to die. But she also feels like she can't die and that as many times as she has tried to kill herself, with overdoses and even ramming her car into a wall, it has never worked. She has a sense that she is incapable of dying. Her posts are about sadness and unhappiness, and she loathes herself and projects that onto us, and others.
The saddest realization of the day is that Lauren is so unhappy because she is searching for it in all the wrong places. She wants someone to give her value, she wants things to make her happy, to feel something other than shame, and yet what she is doing is only producing more shame. It's a vicious downward cycle. The things that would give her self worth and true happiness she rejects vehemently as things we have tried to "shove" down her throat her whole life. I'm not even talking about religion, although I think God would help her if she would allow it, but just everything about having a normal, stable life.
We met her new roommate today. The place was clean and well kept. It smelled good. The girl seemed to have it together. She is going to college and has a job. She knows Lauren and her issues and is very patient with her. I hope it really works for Lauren, that she can find some stability. We will look into doctors, but again it is really up to Lauren to make it work. She isn't willing to take medications, even though if she's having hallucinations she clearly needs them.
I wish that she could see how much love we have for her. When talking to Ian about how terrible he felt about the things he said, I said "She may hate us all of our lives here on earth, but when we get to the other side she will realize why we did what we did. She will see the love we had/have for her and that we only wanted her happiness. She will know how much we cared, and how hard we have tried to show her that. She will not be angry or hate us; she will finally recognize us for what and who we are, and I hope for what and who she is. I wish she didn't have to go through this life with a broken mind. I wish she didn't have the issues she does, but I have to have faith that God knows why... and however unfathomable to me there is a good reason for it. I know he will not leave her abandoned, any more than we can. We just don't always see it, just as Lauren doesn't always see us."
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She needs help and we are only able to do so much. She could use all the help she can get.
Love Samantha
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Police are great when taken in small doses.
So..... Monday Chase had his interview with The policeman at the Child's Justice Center. The cop talked to me, and then he talked to Chase. After the interview he came back and said there was no evidence as to Ben abusing him as Lauren suggested, so that went no where. Chase was a bit worried as to what would happen. He was worried that he might get taken away, or even more that this would break up his family again. He was pretty upset. He said at one point that he was pretty upset at Lauren. She always says she will never hurt him, but he says that she has used him twice now to get even with someone on he personal vendetta. He said he was a pawn and that makes him angry. He told the officer that.
Ben and Seth were upset about being interviewed as well. Both asked if they would just be asked about what went on at home, or wether they would tell what they thought, or whether they would be interrogated as they have sen on TV. They were both pretty worried about the last. They said if someone grilled them and threatened them, and misconstrued what they said........ Anyway they were pretty worried. I told them I was pretty sure they would not be interrogated as there is not enough evidence to even open a case, but that the officer wants to talk to them just to get a feel for what is going on. He told me when I was with Chase that there are a lot of holes in Lauren's story and even more that she misrepresented the facts of what has occurred in the past.
Today Ian took the rest of Lauren's belongings to her. In return he insisted that she give him back the phone he had loaned to her. She told him she didn't have it with her, and that she needed it for jobs and communicating. He told her sorry, not his problem and she couldn't have her stuff till he got his. She went to get it. When she gave it to him, it was crushed. It looks like someone ran over it with a car. She said she dropped it accidentally last Saturday. Then why did she still want it? She did it when she went to get it just to be spiteful.
After he got back I got a call from the probation officer asking for Lauren. She hadn't shown up for a drug test. I told him she had moved out and I didn't know where she was or how he could get ahold of her. I did tell him where she usually hung out though. All I can assume is that she is in violation of her parole for not letting her parole officer know her whereabouts and for not showing up for a test, and so she will go to jail.
I feel really badly for her. She is heading for disaster, and this time I can't rescue her or even help her. She will have to do it on her own. Not what I wanted for her, not where I even imagined she would be. If she could only wake-up and see the path she is on, and that it can be fixed, that it can improve and that she still could have a decent life and be happy. I pray that she may find this someday. Soon!
Ben and Seth were upset about being interviewed as well. Both asked if they would just be asked about what went on at home, or wether they would tell what they thought, or whether they would be interrogated as they have sen on TV. They were both pretty worried about the last. They said if someone grilled them and threatened them, and misconstrued what they said........ Anyway they were pretty worried. I told them I was pretty sure they would not be interrogated as there is not enough evidence to even open a case, but that the officer wants to talk to them just to get a feel for what is going on. He told me when I was with Chase that there are a lot of holes in Lauren's story and even more that she misrepresented the facts of what has occurred in the past.
Today Ian took the rest of Lauren's belongings to her. In return he insisted that she give him back the phone he had loaned to her. She told him she didn't have it with her, and that she needed it for jobs and communicating. He told her sorry, not his problem and she couldn't have her stuff till he got his. She went to get it. When she gave it to him, it was crushed. It looks like someone ran over it with a car. She said she dropped it accidentally last Saturday. Then why did she still want it? She did it when she went to get it just to be spiteful.
After he got back I got a call from the probation officer asking for Lauren. She hadn't shown up for a drug test. I told him she had moved out and I didn't know where she was or how he could get ahold of her. I did tell him where she usually hung out though. All I can assume is that she is in violation of her parole for not letting her parole officer know her whereabouts and for not showing up for a test, and so she will go to jail.
I feel really badly for her. She is heading for disaster, and this time I can't rescue her or even help her. She will have to do it on her own. Not what I wanted for her, not where I even imagined she would be. If she could only wake-up and see the path she is on, and that it can be fixed, that it can improve and that she still could have a decent life and be happy. I pray that she may find this someday. Soon!
Friday, August 15, 2014
Heart Broken
So it is late. Long day, and sleep isn't coming. Got a call from the cops today. They want to interview Chase because Lauren made more accusations that Ben is abusing him. I know no such thing is happening. I have monitored their situation often and talked to Chase frequently. There is no truth to this. It is another attempt to hurt us and to especially hurt Ben. We have an appointment set up with them on Monday. It will be difficult because my sister's father in law died and the funeral is that day. I am not sure I can go now as I don't know if I can make it up there and make it back in time.
The other allegations are believe it or not being taken seriously. I can't believe they believe anything she says. Yet they want each of my sons and my husband to give them a DNA sample. Ben is worried. He thinks that some way she will be able get him in trouble again. I keep telling him she can't hurt him because truth is on his side, but then I didn't think the cops would take her allegations seriously either. Logically I know that my children are innocent of what she accuses them, and emotionally I know it too. I know that the evidence isn't in her favor, but I've been down this road before and it seems like a lot of times evidence doesn't count, because why would she lie? Only because she has to a million people and a million times. She somehow seems to convince police and judges that she is a victim. If only they got to know her for a long time.
Ian and I discussed it tonight. As much as it breaks my heart, Lauren will not be allowed to be in our home to live ever again. It is too dangerous for the rest of us. My heart really is breaking. I love Lauren. But I can't allow her to continue to hurt us all and she has really done so this time. I hope she finds a way to fix her life and get the help she needs, but it won't be from us. Never, ever did I think I would have to have nothing to do with my child. I hope God truly has a purpose for all of this because I sure am having a hard time finding it.
The other allegations are believe it or not being taken seriously. I can't believe they believe anything she says. Yet they want each of my sons and my husband to give them a DNA sample. Ben is worried. He thinks that some way she will be able get him in trouble again. I keep telling him she can't hurt him because truth is on his side, but then I didn't think the cops would take her allegations seriously either. Logically I know that my children are innocent of what she accuses them, and emotionally I know it too. I know that the evidence isn't in her favor, but I've been down this road before and it seems like a lot of times evidence doesn't count, because why would she lie? Only because she has to a million people and a million times. She somehow seems to convince police and judges that she is a victim. If only they got to know her for a long time.
Ian and I discussed it tonight. As much as it breaks my heart, Lauren will not be allowed to be in our home to live ever again. It is too dangerous for the rest of us. My heart really is breaking. I love Lauren. But I can't allow her to continue to hurt us all and she has really done so this time. I hope she finds a way to fix her life and get the help she needs, but it won't be from us. Never, ever did I think I would have to have nothing to do with my child. I hope God truly has a purpose for all of this because I sure am having a hard time finding it.
Doing what I never could have imagined I would do, twice
So Lauren called me about a month ago and let me know she was in jail. She had gotten picked up from Walmart for shoplifting and for having drug paraphernalia. She spent the night there as we wouldn't pay the 2500 bail. She had a court hearing the next day where she pled guilty and was let out to us. She was with us for about 10 minutes, met her boyfriend and left again. Not two days later she had used up all of her freeloading with people and asked if she could spend the night with us. I let her and her boyfriend as well.
After two days of being here she asked if they could not live here as they had no place to go. Ian and I discussed it and decided perhaps letting her have a good family experience, and him as well, would be the best thing for her, and we didn't really want her living on the streets. So we said yes if she was willing to work for her rent and he had to as well, and they had to obey our rules. The first week went okay, other than she and her boyfriend fought everyday. Not having drugs daily is hard on people when they are used to having them 2 to 3 times a day. And of course not being able to sleep together ( have sex) is too. I was quite shocked at my decision to let them both stay. Had anyone asked me even 3 months ago if I would the answer would be not way. Why would I let her boyfriend stay with us, so not what I believe in. But It seemed the right things to do. Perhaps they would be able to learn from being in a family and having support and responsibilities. My family was aghast when they found out, and I got quite a few lectures, but ultimately you have to follow the spirit. In all moral ways I hadn't lowered my standards, after all sleeping together wasn't allowed. I didn't fool myself that they weren't doing it away from my house, or maybe even sneaking, but I had set up the boundaries. For little bit it went okay. Like I said I found myself not knowing if the line between right and wrong, was grey, and was I blurring it, but it felt like the right thing to do. We fed them. clothed them even getting them so new stuff. I offered he jobs to do to earn her fine money and her probation money etc. We took her to her drug tests. We tried to support her as best we could. But again is was mostly one sided.
Anyway.... suffice it to say that over the next few weeks things have gotten more and more difficult. Lauren has gotten more and more demanding. She needs a phone (she didn't get it), She needs money (she didn't get it), She needs.... on an on. She and her boyfriends have continued to fight, to the point one day that she pretended to take a bunch of pills and I ended up having to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital. All I got there was a really expensive prescription of ADHD meds her brother takes put down the toilet, and a really expensive emergency room visit for an attempt at trying to get a guy to stay with her. She fights with the boys constantly and she takes offense at anything that is said. Anyway the past couple of days both she and her boyfriend have really been pushing the rules and limits. I got her clear lip piercings (I bought them) because we don't allow piercings in our home. She has removed them all because they are causing infection. They are glass and plastic which are non allergenic. Then she tells he I need to buy new ones she specifies if I want them out. She refuses to take them out. Then she and her boyfriend started pulling their cots together at night after we had gone to bed and essentially sleeping in the same bed. I told them they couldn't. When they continued, Ian told them one would sleep downstairs each night. Her boyfriend refused so she did. But still they were up till all hours of the night laying with each other on the couch. Ian finally got angry and told them separate places after 11. They haven't done anything towards the rent in about 2 weeks and are essentially free loading. This morning after another infraction, Ian was talking to Lauren when her boyfriend said he was leaving with her to go someplace because we attack him each night and *&%$*&.. Anyway. Ian yelled at him to watch his language. He was really at the end of his tolerance. The boy told him not to get so upset, and Ian said we had warned him repeatedly about this. Then he went to stand by the boy and the boy said he was invading his personal space and proceeded to tell us what terrible people we were. Ian told him to get out. He left with all of his belongings. Lauren left with him. Then I see that she has posted that she is at the police department filing a report. I message her and ask her what she is filing about and she tells me that she is reporting that either her dad or her brothers has been raping her every night while she is asleep. That she has been waking up with a sore vagina and covered in semen. I told her that wasn't true, and she replied that just because I don't want to believe it doesn't make it not true. I told her to do what she thought she must, we were more than willing to work with the cops and answer any of their questions.
I don't know how you would sleep through being raped every night and not know your attacker and continue to let it go on for long periods of time, but apparently she does. It breaks my heart. We didn't kick her out, but we did her boyfriend. So she is going too. This time it is to a point that I don't know if we will let her back in with us. She is lying to the cops and telling them things that if they believe could get one or all of my sons or husband put in jail for a long time. I know she is sick, I know she needs help, but I'm not sure we can help, and right now I am not sure if trying to maintain an association with her has ore value than damage. So know I find myself talking to police about something I never even imagined that I would.
I guess in the end, I pray for her, I love her, I hope the best for her, but for now I can't have her around. Maybe that will change tomorrow, but for now... I don't like her. I may love her, but I don't like her. I am tired of the hurt, the pain, the stress and mostly the abuse that comes with her. And not just for me personally but for my whole family.
After two days of being here she asked if they could not live here as they had no place to go. Ian and I discussed it and decided perhaps letting her have a good family experience, and him as well, would be the best thing for her, and we didn't really want her living on the streets. So we said yes if she was willing to work for her rent and he had to as well, and they had to obey our rules. The first week went okay, other than she and her boyfriend fought everyday. Not having drugs daily is hard on people when they are used to having them 2 to 3 times a day. And of course not being able to sleep together ( have sex) is too. I was quite shocked at my decision to let them both stay. Had anyone asked me even 3 months ago if I would the answer would be not way. Why would I let her boyfriend stay with us, so not what I believe in. But It seemed the right things to do. Perhaps they would be able to learn from being in a family and having support and responsibilities. My family was aghast when they found out, and I got quite a few lectures, but ultimately you have to follow the spirit. In all moral ways I hadn't lowered my standards, after all sleeping together wasn't allowed. I didn't fool myself that they weren't doing it away from my house, or maybe even sneaking, but I had set up the boundaries. For little bit it went okay. Like I said I found myself not knowing if the line between right and wrong, was grey, and was I blurring it, but it felt like the right thing to do. We fed them. clothed them even getting them so new stuff. I offered he jobs to do to earn her fine money and her probation money etc. We took her to her drug tests. We tried to support her as best we could. But again is was mostly one sided.
Anyway.... suffice it to say that over the next few weeks things have gotten more and more difficult. Lauren has gotten more and more demanding. She needs a phone (she didn't get it), She needs money (she didn't get it), She needs.... on an on. She and her boyfriends have continued to fight, to the point one day that she pretended to take a bunch of pills and I ended up having to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital. All I got there was a really expensive prescription of ADHD meds her brother takes put down the toilet, and a really expensive emergency room visit for an attempt at trying to get a guy to stay with her. She fights with the boys constantly and she takes offense at anything that is said. Anyway the past couple of days both she and her boyfriend have really been pushing the rules and limits. I got her clear lip piercings (I bought them) because we don't allow piercings in our home. She has removed them all because they are causing infection. They are glass and plastic which are non allergenic. Then she tells he I need to buy new ones she specifies if I want them out. She refuses to take them out. Then she and her boyfriend started pulling their cots together at night after we had gone to bed and essentially sleeping in the same bed. I told them they couldn't. When they continued, Ian told them one would sleep downstairs each night. Her boyfriend refused so she did. But still they were up till all hours of the night laying with each other on the couch. Ian finally got angry and told them separate places after 11. They haven't done anything towards the rent in about 2 weeks and are essentially free loading. This morning after another infraction, Ian was talking to Lauren when her boyfriend said he was leaving with her to go someplace because we attack him each night and *&%$*&.. Anyway. Ian yelled at him to watch his language. He was really at the end of his tolerance. The boy told him not to get so upset, and Ian said we had warned him repeatedly about this. Then he went to stand by the boy and the boy said he was invading his personal space and proceeded to tell us what terrible people we were. Ian told him to get out. He left with all of his belongings. Lauren left with him. Then I see that she has posted that she is at the police department filing a report. I message her and ask her what she is filing about and she tells me that she is reporting that either her dad or her brothers has been raping her every night while she is asleep. That she has been waking up with a sore vagina and covered in semen. I told her that wasn't true, and she replied that just because I don't want to believe it doesn't make it not true. I told her to do what she thought she must, we were more than willing to work with the cops and answer any of their questions.
I don't know how you would sleep through being raped every night and not know your attacker and continue to let it go on for long periods of time, but apparently she does. It breaks my heart. We didn't kick her out, but we did her boyfriend. So she is going too. This time it is to a point that I don't know if we will let her back in with us. She is lying to the cops and telling them things that if they believe could get one or all of my sons or husband put in jail for a long time. I know she is sick, I know she needs help, but I'm not sure we can help, and right now I am not sure if trying to maintain an association with her has ore value than damage. So know I find myself talking to police about something I never even imagined that I would.
I guess in the end, I pray for her, I love her, I hope the best for her, but for now I can't have her around. Maybe that will change tomorrow, but for now... I don't like her. I may love her, but I don't like her. I am tired of the hurt, the pain, the stress and mostly the abuse that comes with her. And not just for me personally but for my whole family.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
The gospel of Jesus Christ
This post has not so much to do with BPD in particular, though it certainly applies to that, but with my life in general, and some feelings I have really struggled with lately. I want to start by saying that I love my life. There have been times, and many times when I have truly wanted to die. If I ever had the courage to take my own life I probably would have, but I didn't. I am so glad. Even though my life has been full of ups and downs, there have been many ups. I have learned over the past while the true understanding of peace in your life. Our life has been anything but "peaceful". We have had hospital visits, jail visits, children removed from the home, police in our home, drugs, sex, violence, cancer, kidney problems, pornography problems, mental illness, anger and so many other damaging things in our home. I would say that on the day to day basis we have probably had our fair share of trials, and then a bit, but in spite of all of that.... there is a peace. No not peace as in nothing wrong happens, but peace in that God is aware, God is doing what he can, and that I need to trust. Now this isn't a hundred percent. I am after all VERY human. There are times when I want to cry, rail and be mad at God, at the church I belong to. There are times I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of life, but after I calm down, I am always drawn back to the peace of knowing that God is in charge. He knew what these trials were and why our family needed them.
Lately though I have had a sadness in my heart. I have concerns for my children, for family members, for friends, for those I love. I have thought a lot about "Men's hearts failing them." I even talked to my kids about it just two days ago, and what it means. We are in the latter days and we are in the time when men will call good things evil and evil things good. We are in the day when men and women who are valiant and who have loved the church and had a testimony are falling away. I don't know all of the reasons people leave the church. I don't pretend to even understand all of the reasons, but I do KNOW that what ever the reason, if it takes you away from the church that Christ restored on this earth it isn't a good thing. I am lucky in a couple of ways.... first I grew up with a dad that was very practical and open to the gospel and all it engenders. He taught me from a young age that we are not blind followers of a prophet. He taught me that with all revelation that is for the church that we each have the opportunity and obligation to gain a personal witness of that truth. We should pray and get our own confirmation. He also was open to others opinions of the church, but with an eye of testimony. He wasn't looking for ways to find fault with the church, but he was understanding of others ways of looking at the church. I remember him saying to me at a time in my youth when I wasn't sure what to believe...." Have you found anything better? Anything that teaches better principles and values? If you live the gospel and find out there is nothing on the other side what have you lost? If you choose not to, and then find out there is something on the other side though, what have you lost?" While I don't think I could ever live my whole life on that saying, it was what got me through that time. As I lived the gospel I found that my testimony grew and the more I lived it the stronger I knew it was true. I am thankful to my dad and my Mom, for their testimonies. Even now when things get difficult and I whine they are able to support and lift me up and remind me that we may not have all the answers we think we need, but that God knows the why of all things.
I want to express here some things about my family. I am going to be very blunt. When I was a young adult I struggled with staying morally clean. It was a huge temptation for me. One I didn't always succeed at resisting. In the beginning of my marriage my husband struggled with pornography and it created issues in our marriage. I had a son who really struggled in school and with anger and self control as a child. Then I had a daughter who was sexually abused. I have a brother who is gay. As my children grew I had a daughter that developed a mental Illness BPD, and has had multiple suicide attempts, low self esteem, participates in risky behavior. She has been in and out of mental institutions and jail at times. I had a son who got caught up in moral sins as well and become disfellowshipped and be taken from our home. I have had two children that have hurt each other mentally, over and over. I have other sons, who have been damaged by all of the ups and downs in their life by the stress of their siblings. One struggles with depression at times and the other struggles with anger and self control and weight because of it all. On top of that my parents health is not good and they rely on me, my own health has problems as I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease. My life has not been easy. With some of my children I have felt very strongly that a church leader has made a wrong decision in their life. Not to hurt them, but that is what has happened. I know they were doing what they felt was best, only they got lost in the system and fellowshipping never happened and now they are not sure they want it. And even more are bitter about how it all came about. The process was not done in the best way. I have a child that hates the church because they feel they can never live up to it's expectations or beliefs and God has not taken away their trials so he can't love them. I think from a trial standpoint I have many experiences that could make or break me. Sometimes I ask why my family. I have tried our entire married life to have scripture study with my family and prayer. I have tried to teach my children, to have family home evening. I have gone to church regularly and encouraged my kids participation in the church programs. I have tried so hard so why has my family struggled so hard with so many moral temptations and with activity in the church. I have even felt at times that what is the use of the church if I live it and my children don't I won't be with them anyway and that certainly won't be heaven. I think I have a good understanding of bitterness and questioning of how can something so right go so terrible wrong. How could God allow someone in his church, a leader, to hurt someone who is trying to get back to Him? How can my children have so many problems when I have tried so hard to teach them to have faith in God?
I've also had questions about why keep the archives closed, why not open them to all? Why were the blacks not allowed the priesthood for so long, why, why, why? Here is what I have come to know. The church is TRUE. The Prophet does receive revelation for the church and his leadership in gospel doctrine will follow the will of the Lord. How that doctrine is carried out, is however, done by mortal men. The prophet is mortal. The Apostles are mortal. They will make mistakes. Will they make mistakes that effect the whole church...NO, but will some individuals be affected -- YES. Is it fair? NO, but neither is my daughter having a mental illness to battle her whole life. Our leaders will make mistakes. Some will hurt us as individuals, but is our testimony based on the men that run the church or on Christ. Some things I don't have answers for. I have ideas... I have ideas as to why it took so long for the blacks to receive the priesthood, I have ideas on why the church practiced polygamy, but I don't have a concrete answer from God, and in all reality why do I need it? How do those answers keep me from living the gospel doctrines? I am sure when the church was first restored on the earth that a lot of things weren't understood 100% and that they acted on what they knew, making mistakes, but those mistakes will be corrected by God as they weren't intentional, and they don't effect the doctrines that were revealed.
I think many people in our church are led astray by what is called leader worship. It isn't doctrine by any means, and is discouraged, but many members still do it. They feel that if a general authority says it, it is true. There are books that are written by prophets that are NOT doctrine. Prophets have their own opinions as well. After all if God revealed everything to them, they would have no need of this life either. Their would be no test or faith involved. Sometimes God leaves us to make the best decisions we can. If it effects the whole church and it's doctrine it comes from God, if it doesn't, then in isn't doctrine.
I think a bigger issue we face however is a mistaken belief as society as a whole. We have caught onto the idea and correctly so in a way that God is a loving God. He is not the demanding, vengeful God of the old testament, but one who loves us unconditionally. While that is true, loving someone unconditionally, does not mean that their are not consequences or right or wrong. So many people believe that if God loves us, he accepts us how we are. We are looking for something that fits our wants and desires instead or us trying to make our wants and desires fit the Lords. We have told God what we want and how he can help us, and if our religion doesn't match that we leave. How many people say their prayers are never answered because instead of aligning themselves with Gods will, they are seeking for God to align himself with them. We are telling God we know best. While God does love us unconditionally and is always reaching out to us and trying to help us, he is expecting us to become better to make changes in our lives and to improve. He does expect us to obey his commandments. You can change your religion all you want, but it isn't going to change God's true gospel. In the end you only hurt yourself.
So .....I guess all of this rambling has a purpose. I want my friends, my family, my loved ones to know that I pray for you each and every day that you will either remain strong in the True Gospel of Jesus Christ or that you may find your way back to it. I want you to know that I KNOW that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth that has all of the keys and knowledge that has been restored by Jesus. I KNOW that lasting happiness and eternal peace will only come by living his Gospel. I KNOW that Jesus leads this church. I KNOW that he allows bad things to happen to us, after all we each need to grow, and that is the best way to grow. I KNOW that He is aware of all that is happening, and that if we lay our doubts and burdens and trials at His feet, he will be there to help us. I KNOW if we try our hardest to obey His doctrines that we will be with Him in the eternities. I KNOW that only by perseverance and endurance will we make it through this life. But I also KNOW that we can have peace in this life even through the difficulties, and that peace comes only from Him. I plead for each of you to search your hearts and pray. Live the Gospel and return to the truth or find it. I love you. I want the best for you.
Love Samantha
Lately though I have had a sadness in my heart. I have concerns for my children, for family members, for friends, for those I love. I have thought a lot about "Men's hearts failing them." I even talked to my kids about it just two days ago, and what it means. We are in the latter days and we are in the time when men will call good things evil and evil things good. We are in the day when men and women who are valiant and who have loved the church and had a testimony are falling away. I don't know all of the reasons people leave the church. I don't pretend to even understand all of the reasons, but I do KNOW that what ever the reason, if it takes you away from the church that Christ restored on this earth it isn't a good thing. I am lucky in a couple of ways.... first I grew up with a dad that was very practical and open to the gospel and all it engenders. He taught me from a young age that we are not blind followers of a prophet. He taught me that with all revelation that is for the church that we each have the opportunity and obligation to gain a personal witness of that truth. We should pray and get our own confirmation. He also was open to others opinions of the church, but with an eye of testimony. He wasn't looking for ways to find fault with the church, but he was understanding of others ways of looking at the church. I remember him saying to me at a time in my youth when I wasn't sure what to believe...." Have you found anything better? Anything that teaches better principles and values? If you live the gospel and find out there is nothing on the other side what have you lost? If you choose not to, and then find out there is something on the other side though, what have you lost?" While I don't think I could ever live my whole life on that saying, it was what got me through that time. As I lived the gospel I found that my testimony grew and the more I lived it the stronger I knew it was true. I am thankful to my dad and my Mom, for their testimonies. Even now when things get difficult and I whine they are able to support and lift me up and remind me that we may not have all the answers we think we need, but that God knows the why of all things.
I want to express here some things about my family. I am going to be very blunt. When I was a young adult I struggled with staying morally clean. It was a huge temptation for me. One I didn't always succeed at resisting. In the beginning of my marriage my husband struggled with pornography and it created issues in our marriage. I had a son who really struggled in school and with anger and self control as a child. Then I had a daughter who was sexually abused. I have a brother who is gay. As my children grew I had a daughter that developed a mental Illness BPD, and has had multiple suicide attempts, low self esteem, participates in risky behavior. She has been in and out of mental institutions and jail at times. I had a son who got caught up in moral sins as well and become disfellowshipped and be taken from our home. I have had two children that have hurt each other mentally, over and over. I have other sons, who have been damaged by all of the ups and downs in their life by the stress of their siblings. One struggles with depression at times and the other struggles with anger and self control and weight because of it all. On top of that my parents health is not good and they rely on me, my own health has problems as I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease. My life has not been easy. With some of my children I have felt very strongly that a church leader has made a wrong decision in their life. Not to hurt them, but that is what has happened. I know they were doing what they felt was best, only they got lost in the system and fellowshipping never happened and now they are not sure they want it. And even more are bitter about how it all came about. The process was not done in the best way. I have a child that hates the church because they feel they can never live up to it's expectations or beliefs and God has not taken away their trials so he can't love them. I think from a trial standpoint I have many experiences that could make or break me. Sometimes I ask why my family. I have tried our entire married life to have scripture study with my family and prayer. I have tried to teach my children, to have family home evening. I have gone to church regularly and encouraged my kids participation in the church programs. I have tried so hard so why has my family struggled so hard with so many moral temptations and with activity in the church. I have even felt at times that what is the use of the church if I live it and my children don't I won't be with them anyway and that certainly won't be heaven. I think I have a good understanding of bitterness and questioning of how can something so right go so terrible wrong. How could God allow someone in his church, a leader, to hurt someone who is trying to get back to Him? How can my children have so many problems when I have tried so hard to teach them to have faith in God?
I've also had questions about why keep the archives closed, why not open them to all? Why were the blacks not allowed the priesthood for so long, why, why, why? Here is what I have come to know. The church is TRUE. The Prophet does receive revelation for the church and his leadership in gospel doctrine will follow the will of the Lord. How that doctrine is carried out, is however, done by mortal men. The prophet is mortal. The Apostles are mortal. They will make mistakes. Will they make mistakes that effect the whole church...NO, but will some individuals be affected -- YES. Is it fair? NO, but neither is my daughter having a mental illness to battle her whole life. Our leaders will make mistakes. Some will hurt us as individuals, but is our testimony based on the men that run the church or on Christ. Some things I don't have answers for. I have ideas... I have ideas as to why it took so long for the blacks to receive the priesthood, I have ideas on why the church practiced polygamy, but I don't have a concrete answer from God, and in all reality why do I need it? How do those answers keep me from living the gospel doctrines? I am sure when the church was first restored on the earth that a lot of things weren't understood 100% and that they acted on what they knew, making mistakes, but those mistakes will be corrected by God as they weren't intentional, and they don't effect the doctrines that were revealed.
I think many people in our church are led astray by what is called leader worship. It isn't doctrine by any means, and is discouraged, but many members still do it. They feel that if a general authority says it, it is true. There are books that are written by prophets that are NOT doctrine. Prophets have their own opinions as well. After all if God revealed everything to them, they would have no need of this life either. Their would be no test or faith involved. Sometimes God leaves us to make the best decisions we can. If it effects the whole church and it's doctrine it comes from God, if it doesn't, then in isn't doctrine.
I think a bigger issue we face however is a mistaken belief as society as a whole. We have caught onto the idea and correctly so in a way that God is a loving God. He is not the demanding, vengeful God of the old testament, but one who loves us unconditionally. While that is true, loving someone unconditionally, does not mean that their are not consequences or right or wrong. So many people believe that if God loves us, he accepts us how we are. We are looking for something that fits our wants and desires instead or us trying to make our wants and desires fit the Lords. We have told God what we want and how he can help us, and if our religion doesn't match that we leave. How many people say their prayers are never answered because instead of aligning themselves with Gods will, they are seeking for God to align himself with them. We are telling God we know best. While God does love us unconditionally and is always reaching out to us and trying to help us, he is expecting us to become better to make changes in our lives and to improve. He does expect us to obey his commandments. You can change your religion all you want, but it isn't going to change God's true gospel. In the end you only hurt yourself.
So .....I guess all of this rambling has a purpose. I want my friends, my family, my loved ones to know that I pray for you each and every day that you will either remain strong in the True Gospel of Jesus Christ or that you may find your way back to it. I want you to know that I KNOW that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth that has all of the keys and knowledge that has been restored by Jesus. I KNOW that lasting happiness and eternal peace will only come by living his Gospel. I KNOW that Jesus leads this church. I KNOW that he allows bad things to happen to us, after all we each need to grow, and that is the best way to grow. I KNOW that He is aware of all that is happening, and that if we lay our doubts and burdens and trials at His feet, he will be there to help us. I KNOW if we try our hardest to obey His doctrines that we will be with Him in the eternities. I KNOW that only by perseverance and endurance will we make it through this life. But I also KNOW that we can have peace in this life even through the difficulties, and that peace comes only from Him. I plead for each of you to search your hearts and pray. Live the Gospel and return to the truth or find it. I love you. I want the best for you.
Love Samantha
Monday, June 9, 2014
Hard love is Hard
So Lauren came out to visit before leaving for Utah. She had decided she couldn't wait to get there with us in two weeks. So she had arranged to meet someone she met online and head there with them. She didn't know them or anything. It is site called ride-share. I prayed and hoped the whole day that she would get there safe . She never let me know. I finally contacted friends she was going to stay with and asked about her. She let me know the next day that she had gotten there safe. I worried all day, but at least she is safe, sort of. We had an argument before she left. I told her I thought she needed to get her life in order and get into therapy. She insisted going to Utah and getting a job was making progress. I told her not if the problems still existed. She refused to listen and just kept saying I could never love her, that all I loved to do was lecture and that I hated her.
None of that is true. I tell her I love her, she doesn't believe it. I try to show her my love, it isn't enough, and since it isn't accepting of whatever she does she sees that as lack of love. I do love her. I have tried over and over to get her help, to assist her, but because I refuse to see marijuana as a good thing, or sex before marriage, or smoking cigarettes, then I can't accept her and therefore must not love her.
Right before I left Colorado as we are now back in Utah, I had lunch with a good friend, Nettie. She too has a daughter that struggles with BPD. They are about 2 years apart. Her family is in upheaval because her daughter is back home and has gotten in trouble with the law. She is trying to get her help, but she is having the same results I get. I cherish my friendship with Nettie. It is so nice to know that there is someone else who gets what I am feeling and going through. I will miss her a lot. We are at different points in our journey. She is still in the trying to keep it quiet stage. I realized a long time ago that life was so much easier if I just admitted that my daughter has a mental illness, and that she does/has done things that most people would be aghast at. Well at least in my religious circles. It is easier to just admit that she has been arrested and done drugs than try to hide it and remember cover ups etc. If the people really care about me and my family they will be able to see beyond her issues and see her illness for what it is, and also see that this condition has nothing to do with bad parenting. She is still embarrassed by what her daughter does and how it effects others. I too have been there, and still am at times, but I have given all of my friends and family the knowledge they need, regarding her condition and how she will act if they allow her too. What they then choose to do it us to them, but we take no responsibility for their choice. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't live my whole life picking up pieces of all the problems her illness creates. I have found that as I have been been more open and honest my life has been so much easier. I know who really cares for me and mine and I am not always embarrassed by the things that happen. I hope Nettie can get to that point soon, because she needs that peace in her life. Her life has been so difficult lately.
Since we have been here Lauren hasn't made any attempt to contact us. I have contacted her twice, one to see how she was, and once to invite her to live with us, and she is homeless and living with a guy again. He is homeless as well. She refused because we wouldn't let him live here as well. It is her choice. She knows that she is welcome but she has to obey the rules of our home, and be willing to help. That is all we have asked. I know she is telling friends that we don't love or care. I know she is posting on facebook that she could die and we wouldn't care. That is not true. We would, and a lot. However I am at peace with this decision. That doesn't mean it is easy. Not at all. There are times I want to through all morals to the wind in order to make sure she is safe, but that won't help her. Regardless of her illness, she has to learn that life has consequences and you don't get to escape them.
This is never a point I thought I would be at. Letting a child be homeless. I don't want her on the streets, or doing drugs, or a multiple of things, but I can't allow her to bring that stuff into my home and influence my other children. I can't have that in my home. I have never worried so much over a child, and yet so sure of the decision I have made. I pray each and every day that God is watching over her, that she knows how much she is loved, that she can find her way out of her pit. There comes a point where you cannot fix another person, they have to fix themselves, and we reached that point a while ago. Now we are finally letting the consequences fall.
Samantha
None of that is true. I tell her I love her, she doesn't believe it. I try to show her my love, it isn't enough, and since it isn't accepting of whatever she does she sees that as lack of love. I do love her. I have tried over and over to get her help, to assist her, but because I refuse to see marijuana as a good thing, or sex before marriage, or smoking cigarettes, then I can't accept her and therefore must not love her.
Right before I left Colorado as we are now back in Utah, I had lunch with a good friend, Nettie. She too has a daughter that struggles with BPD. They are about 2 years apart. Her family is in upheaval because her daughter is back home and has gotten in trouble with the law. She is trying to get her help, but she is having the same results I get. I cherish my friendship with Nettie. It is so nice to know that there is someone else who gets what I am feeling and going through. I will miss her a lot. We are at different points in our journey. She is still in the trying to keep it quiet stage. I realized a long time ago that life was so much easier if I just admitted that my daughter has a mental illness, and that she does/has done things that most people would be aghast at. Well at least in my religious circles. It is easier to just admit that she has been arrested and done drugs than try to hide it and remember cover ups etc. If the people really care about me and my family they will be able to see beyond her issues and see her illness for what it is, and also see that this condition has nothing to do with bad parenting. She is still embarrassed by what her daughter does and how it effects others. I too have been there, and still am at times, but I have given all of my friends and family the knowledge they need, regarding her condition and how she will act if they allow her too. What they then choose to do it us to them, but we take no responsibility for their choice. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't live my whole life picking up pieces of all the problems her illness creates. I have found that as I have been been more open and honest my life has been so much easier. I know who really cares for me and mine and I am not always embarrassed by the things that happen. I hope Nettie can get to that point soon, because she needs that peace in her life. Her life has been so difficult lately.
Since we have been here Lauren hasn't made any attempt to contact us. I have contacted her twice, one to see how she was, and once to invite her to live with us, and she is homeless and living with a guy again. He is homeless as well. She refused because we wouldn't let him live here as well. It is her choice. She knows that she is welcome but she has to obey the rules of our home, and be willing to help. That is all we have asked. I know she is telling friends that we don't love or care. I know she is posting on facebook that she could die and we wouldn't care. That is not true. We would, and a lot. However I am at peace with this decision. That doesn't mean it is easy. Not at all. There are times I want to through all morals to the wind in order to make sure she is safe, but that won't help her. Regardless of her illness, she has to learn that life has consequences and you don't get to escape them.
This is never a point I thought I would be at. Letting a child be homeless. I don't want her on the streets, or doing drugs, or a multiple of things, but I can't allow her to bring that stuff into my home and influence my other children. I can't have that in my home. I have never worried so much over a child, and yet so sure of the decision I have made. I pray each and every day that God is watching over her, that she knows how much she is loved, that she can find her way out of her pit. There comes a point where you cannot fix another person, they have to fix themselves, and we reached that point a while ago. Now we are finally letting the consequences fall.
Samantha
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Another Attempt
On Saturday, the 3rd, we spent the morning packing up boxes and the moving truck to go Utah with a load. Ian left around 2. Then I took Chance and three of his friends to Boondocks for an early birthday party for him. He was so excited to go. I got the all passes and off they went to play. I was maybe there for 45 minutes when I got a phone call from the hospital telling me that Lauren was there in the ER because she had driven her car into a brick wall and was hurt and wanted me there. So Ian is almost to Laramie, Ben is at work, Seth is hiking with friends, I am at a birthday party for the next 2 hours and Lauren wants me at the hospital. I couldn’t go right away. I did get a friend to agree to come be with the boys, but by the time she got to her house, she was up in Loveland, and got down to where we were she wouldn’t have gotten there any earlier than when I was bringing them home anyway. So I stayed till 5:30 and then we drove home. I dropped the kids off and headed up to the hospital.
She looked pretty scraped up. She has a huge bump an cuts on her forehead, and her chin was pretty bruised. She also had cut up her knee pretty badly, but other than that, she really was lucky. She had a friend with her, a boy named Storm, who apparently had worked with her. I talked with the nurse and the doctor for a bit as I was a bit worried about her having a concussion. The doctor told me that the nurses thought she was concussed, but that on further questioning he felt it was all psychological. For example she said she didn’t know where she was or how she got there, but a bystander did bring her into the ER and she had texted almost two minutes before going in that she was there and could her friend come and meet her. So she obviously knew where she was, but the other brought more attention. The boy was eating it up as well. He probably thought I was the worst jerk of a mother. She asked if she looked bad and he responded no, she looked pretty good. I told her of course she looked bad, what did she expect after driving her car into a brick wall? She had a huge goose egg on her head with scrapes and cuts in it, and a huge gash in her knee that needed about 10 stitches.
She told me that he boyfriend and her had broken up. This was odd to me because yesterday he had given her an engagement ring. I feel badly for her, but I am glad he is gone, and I hope he stays away. They really are not good for each other. After cleaning her up they took her to the psych ward and when they came to evaluate her, I told her I was going home. I went to check out the building she apparently ran into, but either it was fine, or I didn’t have the right school. I actually found out later that she ran in to a brick cement solid wall at the local brewery. Then I went home and crashed. I think I handled things pretty well. I did feel like falling apart. I feel so overwhelmed with the move and all, and this on top of it, was sort of like a slap. I’m not sure how to feel. I am sad for her. I wanted to rush to the hospital and see if she was okay. I wanted to not go to the hospital. I wanted to slap her. I wanted her to see her value in life. I wanted this to be a breaking point for her, where she would change her ways. I wanted someone else to deal with it.When I got to the hospital, I wanted to hug her and let her know I loved her. I did tell her I loved her, but other than that, I didn’t show much emotion. In fact I did mostly what her therapist has advised me to do, not give her sympathy or attention for her actions relating to suicide attempts, as it makes them more addictive. They get the attention they crave from it. Inside I wanted to go home and cry, but I held it together.
Once home I contacted her boyfriend. I didn't really care what he had to say, but for the most part I wanted him to agree to not contact her or have anything to do with her anymore. He did agree. I just hope he keeps his word.
Lauren wanted me to try to convince them not to send her to a psych hospital, but I don't have much say in that anymore, and perhaps she needs the time. The hospital let me know that she was being moved the next day to a place in Colorado Springs. She was only there for two days. I had hoped that she was going to come home and make some major changes and try to get her life back together, but apparently I was thinking too positively. She called to let me know that she was being released, and that Storm was coming to get her, and that she was going to stay in his apartment for a bit. I tried to talk to her about not needing a boyfriend or someone else to make her happy, that maybe it was time she looked to herself to find happiness, and she told me she refused to talk about this with me.
She called me later in the week to please come and get her so she could get all of her stuff out of her vehicle, which was totaled. I agreed. I went and got her and we went to find the car, and get her stuff. Then I picked up a prescription for her, took her friend to the eye doctor, and she spent a little time at our house. I tried to talk to her and she yelled at me about not caring and not being at all sympathetic about her attempt. I tried to explain that I was doing what her therapist said we should, and that I also couldn't afford to break down every time something in her life went bad. She has attempted so many times I have lost count. I can't live in a constant emotional upheaval that she seems to need me to have. It isn't that if doesn't effect me. If isn't that I don't care. It's that I can't keep doing it to myself or the rest of my family. They need a mom, not a basket case.
I love her to death. I want the best for her. I so hoped that this would be a turning point for her. A chance for her to see that the path she is going down isn't making her happy, that the men she is attracting are not healthy, that she has so much potential and love from family and God. But, it didn't. She just got angry at her boyfriend, says he was the whole issue and moved on to someone else. Another guy from Utah that she met when she lived there. She is going to continue on the path she is on. I wish she could see how lucky and blessed she is. In all the times she has attempted, God has protected her. He has a purpose for her, and I wish and pray she could find his love and joy. I wish she could find the happiness and peace that he offers and that we offer. I wish she could find the strength to turn her life around before it is too late.
Her forehead
Her knee
Her car
Her car
Friday, May 2, 2014
Today's thoughts sent to Lauren
Lauren,
We love you. I know you don't believe that, but we do. You have such talent, such drive. You are such an intelligent person. You have a lot of energy and are outgoing and draw people to you. You have every ability you need to be a successful person in this world. Out of all of our children, you have the most potential to accomplish great things. We have always loved your spunkiness, your independence. We recognize these things in you and I hope you do too.
However, here comes the part where you will say you will never talk to us again and that we don't love you.We have watched you this past year. You have decided to be an adult, only you haven't. You haven't accepted any of the responsibilities that come with being an adult. You want all the freedom, without the responsibility, and it doesn't and can't work that way. You blew through thousands of dollars, you completely ruined a car that was in great shape. You left bills in the thousands in your wake, plus two arrest records as an adult. You can blame everyone else, you can blame God, but sooner or later the only person you can blame is yourself, because nothing will change until you take responsibility. You have so much potential and yet you want to wallow in the self pity, telling yourself that your issues make life unbearable. We are sure your issues make life miserable, and are very hard, but you still can change that. All one has to do is read the many books out there to know that you can help yourself. You have quit all efforts to help yourself in that area.
You do not look well. You look tired and drugged most of the time. Your hair is thinning. Your teeth are yellow and stained. You are beginning to look hard. You are a beautiful girl, but if you continue down the path you are on, you won't be for long.
We are tired of helping you and helping you and seeing you use that help to continue on a path that is not healthy. Everything we have done for you this past year has done nothing but enable you to be irresponsible. We can't feel good about it. It was all given with the best of intentions, but you abused it. We continue to give and you spit it in our faces.
Therefore... we will not be paying for a wedding at this time. We cannot do so with good conscience. Neither of you are responsible enough to be married. Marriage is a life-long commitment that requires putting someone else's needs above your own. Neither of you are marrying for that reason. Your boyfriend has a job, but you don't. You have no place to live, no way of supporting the two of you, and no education. His salary won't cover rent, food, and utilities, and the two of you have yet to show that you can keep money for more than two days. You put your instant wants above what is good. If you want to talk about a wedding when you both have a job and can stick to the job, and have saved up enough to pay for a place, plus the extras, as well as gotten yourself off all of this crap you put in your body, and get some help for you emotions, we will be happy to talk. If you feel you need to go ahead, we can't and won't stop you, but we won't support it by paying for it.
We love you. You are welcome back in our home, however, if you are here you will have to abide by our standards. It is our home. You don't go into someone else's home and tell them how they can live, and you can't do that with us either. We have standards that are important to our family and our way of life and we are not going to change those. Part of them are related to our belief that work is important, and that if you live in a house you help care for it. If you want to help around the house we would love to have you. We want the best for you, and although you think we don't understand we truly do. As your parents that love you, we refuse to help you down this road any further. We will give you food any time. We will not buy you gas, and we will not give you any money at all. If you ask the answer will be no. We will let you live here. We will pay for treatment, rehab or therapy. Otherwise... you say you want to be an adult, so be one, not just a teenager playing grown-up. Adults provide for themselves. We know this is hard, but you should really take a look at it and truly think about it, because this is true, and this is even said with love.
Love, Mom & Dad
We love you. I know you don't believe that, but we do. You have such talent, such drive. You are such an intelligent person. You have a lot of energy and are outgoing and draw people to you. You have every ability you need to be a successful person in this world. Out of all of our children, you have the most potential to accomplish great things. We have always loved your spunkiness, your independence. We recognize these things in you and I hope you do too.
However, here comes the part where you will say you will never talk to us again and that we don't love you.We have watched you this past year. You have decided to be an adult, only you haven't. You haven't accepted any of the responsibilities that come with being an adult. You want all the freedom, without the responsibility, and it doesn't and can't work that way. You blew through thousands of dollars, you completely ruined a car that was in great shape. You left bills in the thousands in your wake, plus two arrest records as an adult. You can blame everyone else, you can blame God, but sooner or later the only person you can blame is yourself, because nothing will change until you take responsibility. You have so much potential and yet you want to wallow in the self pity, telling yourself that your issues make life unbearable. We are sure your issues make life miserable, and are very hard, but you still can change that. All one has to do is read the many books out there to know that you can help yourself. You have quit all efforts to help yourself in that area.
You do not look well. You look tired and drugged most of the time. Your hair is thinning. Your teeth are yellow and stained. You are beginning to look hard. You are a beautiful girl, but if you continue down the path you are on, you won't be for long.
We are tired of helping you and helping you and seeing you use that help to continue on a path that is not healthy. Everything we have done for you this past year has done nothing but enable you to be irresponsible. We can't feel good about it. It was all given with the best of intentions, but you abused it. We continue to give and you spit it in our faces.
Therefore... we will not be paying for a wedding at this time. We cannot do so with good conscience. Neither of you are responsible enough to be married. Marriage is a life-long commitment that requires putting someone else's needs above your own. Neither of you are marrying for that reason. Your boyfriend has a job, but you don't. You have no place to live, no way of supporting the two of you, and no education. His salary won't cover rent, food, and utilities, and the two of you have yet to show that you can keep money for more than two days. You put your instant wants above what is good. If you want to talk about a wedding when you both have a job and can stick to the job, and have saved up enough to pay for a place, plus the extras, as well as gotten yourself off all of this crap you put in your body, and get some help for you emotions, we will be happy to talk. If you feel you need to go ahead, we can't and won't stop you, but we won't support it by paying for it.
We love you. You are welcome back in our home, however, if you are here you will have to abide by our standards. It is our home. You don't go into someone else's home and tell them how they can live, and you can't do that with us either. We have standards that are important to our family and our way of life and we are not going to change those. Part of them are related to our belief that work is important, and that if you live in a house you help care for it. If you want to help around the house we would love to have you. We want the best for you, and although you think we don't understand we truly do. As your parents that love you, we refuse to help you down this road any further. We will give you food any time. We will not buy you gas, and we will not give you any money at all. If you ask the answer will be no. We will let you live here. We will pay for treatment, rehab or therapy. Otherwise... you say you want to be an adult, so be one, not just a teenager playing grown-up. Adults provide for themselves. We know this is hard, but you should really take a look at it and truly think about it, because this is true, and this is even said with love.
Love, Mom & Dad
Back to square one.
So two days ago I got a call from Lauren. She wanted to know if she could come home. We said yes, but she had to obey the rules. I also asked her about her job, and she told me she had quit. Another two week job. She said she had been having nightmares about brutally murdering the people she talked to that were rude to her, so she had to quit. She has been kicked out of the homeless shelter because she would not obey the rules. So Tuesday night she came back home. We talked for a bit, again she didn't feel it was fair that we wouldn't let her boyfriend sleep with her in our home. I talked about their wedding in June and tried to convince them one more time that it wasn't really a good idea. To no avail. Anyway on Wednesday she got up and took off, then came home, helped me with two boxes, (We are moving) and then had to go see friends. She didn't get home till past 10 and I went to bed. On thursday she got up late and I told her she had to help us if she was going to live with us. She went on with her business and I started packing again. I kept getting these texts that I couldn't answer immediately as I was busy. This is the conversation. Mind you she was in the basement and I was on the main floor working.
Lauren: I just threw up, I'm going back to bed. When are we doing pictures? Did you get a response back for the dress? Hello? Answer me please.
Samantha: For what?
Lauren: I just threw up, I'm going back to bed. When are we doing pictures? Did you get a response back for the dress? Hello? Answer me please.
Hello!
ANSWER ME!
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Samantha: What?
Lauren: I don't feel good Answer my questions please?
Samantha: I got no response
Lauren: And the other?
Samantha: Ask dad
Lauren: I did. He won't answer me. Hello!
Samantha: He must be in a meeting.
Lauren: I'm sick. Throwing up in the morning for no reason, really bitchy, light headed, constantly exhausted, and sore.
Samantha: Im sorry.
Lauren: Will you make me an appointment?
Samantha: For what?
Lauren: I just told you.
Samantha: Unless your pregnant I don't think there is anything they can do. What you need to do is eat right, sleep right, stop using things that are bad for your body and exercise. And even if your pregnant there is nothing they can do for you.
Lauren: Wow, thanks. Helpful
Samantha: I'm being honest not mean.
Lauren: Isn't it illegal to deny people health care rights.
Samantha: I'm not denying you anything. You can go to a doctor if you want. As a matter of fact you are an adult so you can meet with any doctor. I'm not prohibiting you, I am just not going to make you an appointment.
Lauren: I don't know who to call. You do. I also have no phone. You do. I also have no way to pay for it.
Samantha: Call the medical center, they have someone there. I don't have a doctor right now. Mine quit, and I'm not getting another till I get to Utah. So whoever they have there should be good. Your over 18 so the other Dr won't see you. Look it up.
Lauren: And call on what?
Samantha: The house phone. We have one.
Samantha: The house phone. We have one.
Lauren: Where?
Samantha:Where it always is. It seems to me that you want me to take care of you like you are a child, but you don't want to follow any of the child rules. You can't have it both ways. You are either an adult or your not.
Samantha:Where it always is. It seems to me that you want me to take care of you like you are a child, but you don't want to follow any of the child rules. You can't have it both ways. You are either an adult or your not.
Lauren: I want you to help me for once, but apparently that's also way beyond your capacity!
Samantha: I help you more than anyone I know, and I get treated worse than any of the others. When no one else comes to your rescue you always return to us, and expect us to pick up the pieces, and you treat us like crap. You can't help with chores, you won't help move, you won't talk to us, or even visit, or even respect our rules, but we are supposed to take care of you when your in a bad place. It is all one sided. Yes I do know how it feels to be used, because that is what you do with us.
Lauren: Whatever.
Samantha: "I need gas, I need a car, I need a place to stay, I need my bills paid, I need rent money, I need. I need" Can you help us unpack?...."no I have things to do and places to go and people to see. " It is true.
Lauren: Whatever. Maybe I would treat you like family if you acted like family.
Samantha: We act more like family than anyone else. You just want us to agree with everything you chose to do and we don't so that makes us bad. We have taken care of you more than anyone in your entire life. You just want to make us the bad ones.
Lauren: I'm leaving!
Samantha: that's up to you.
Lauren: I'm not paying rent
Samantha: I'm not mad, I'm just telling it like it us. Fine, no rent, but that means you have to work for you living, meaning chores.
Lauren: No, I mean I lived in a homeless shelter and I have no money. I will sleep in my car in Boulder.
Samantha: You think you can live anyplace fore free and contribute nothing?
Lauren: I think you all know how broke I am and that YOU specifically are the one who said that I had a place to stay.
Samantha: We have no problem letting you live here, but you do have to help, that is how you pay your rent. We provide a place to live and food. You help out. But yesterday you couldn't, you had to see friends, today your sick. It seems like you think you should get to have all the benefits with no effort. That isn't the way life works. Just so we're clear. No one kicked you out. You chose to leave instead of help. Your car can't be comfortable. Is it really too much to have to help around the house?
After this she left. She didn't come home last night, so I assume she slept in her car. She has also posted on facebook a couple of hours before she left about how bored she was in our house and that she needed someone to rescue her from us. So she didn't sound very sick then.
Anyway..... She is back being homeless, and no job, and on the streets.
After this she left. She didn't come home last night, so I assume she slept in her car. She has also posted on facebook a couple of hours before she left about how bored she was in our house and that she needed someone to rescue her from us. So she didn't sound very sick then.
Anyway..... She is back being homeless, and no job, and on the streets.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Making Peace?
Lauren decided that she was going to marry her boyfriend with or without our blessings, but if we didn't help her with it, she would have nothing to do with us. She is just stubborn enough that she would go through with it too. I think she needs us wether she wants to admit that or not, and I certainly don't want to lose her. So after a great deal of talking Ian and I came up with what we hope will make a difference to her. We decided we will help with the wedding, even though we think it is a bad idea at this time, if ....She and her boyfriend come out for Marriage planning ( not wedding planning) and also get married in Utah where the family is. The second is merely a connivence, but I know that none of the family can make it here, so if she wants them there, and as they will be her biggest supporters it would have to be there. Besides it is cheaper there. The other we decided may at least get them thinking along the lines of jobs, budget, goals, money, communications, children etc. Hopefully it will at least give them both some skills so that they don't enter this blind.
They came out a week ago and took a quiz on themselves and their partner. It was quite thorough. Based on their answers it prepared a report that tells them where they are doing good, and areas where they needs to work or change as they have danger signs. The whole thing is backed by statistics so I hope they go over it together and really take a look at it.
Lauren did decide to go home with us for Easter, which surprised me. She hasn't really wanted much to do with us at all. But I am glad. We got her car fixed and told her she has to pay us back for it. She got a job recently, as did her boyfriend, and we told her that her work check had to be deposited in our bank account and we would take her payment out and then give her the rest. That way we know we get paid, because she owes us a lot at this point.
She and her boyfriend are still at the homeless shelter for young adults, more of a homeless care shelter, but nevertheless. I still haven't figured out how it is much different from living with us, as they have almost the same rules we did. Oh well.
Lauren seems to be moving forward and I really hope she is. I hope she is happy and pulling her life together. I really want her to love her life and be successful.
They came out a week ago and took a quiz on themselves and their partner. It was quite thorough. Based on their answers it prepared a report that tells them where they are doing good, and areas where they needs to work or change as they have danger signs. The whole thing is backed by statistics so I hope they go over it together and really take a look at it.
Lauren did decide to go home with us for Easter, which surprised me. She hasn't really wanted much to do with us at all. But I am glad. We got her car fixed and told her she has to pay us back for it. She got a job recently, as did her boyfriend, and we told her that her work check had to be deposited in our bank account and we would take her payment out and then give her the rest. That way we know we get paid, because she owes us a lot at this point.
She and her boyfriend are still at the homeless shelter for young adults, more of a homeless care shelter, but nevertheless. I still haven't figured out how it is much different from living with us, as they have almost the same rules we did. Oh well.
Lauren seems to be moving forward and I really hope she is. I hope she is happy and pulling her life together. I really want her to love her life and be successful.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Moved
Lauren found my blog quite a while ago, but it has recently become an issue for her. I'm careful to minimize any connections that might allow someone to discover her identity (all people names, place names, etc., are different), but it still bothers her.
So, I closed the old blog and copied all of the posts to this new one. I also eliminated some links between my public identity, which should make it hard for her to find it.
So, I closed the old blog and copied all of the posts to this new one. I also eliminated some links between my public identity, which should make it hard for her to find it.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Acceptance
I watched a show yesterday that was supposed to be about someone with BPD. I don't think that the person had that..... though.... they had some signs. But that wasn't the point of this post. Rather it was the few things that this person said and did that caught my attention.
This young lady was put in a mental institution. She hated it. She wanted out. But she loved it at the same time. Although she was 'locked up" she had so many freedoms that she felt secure. No she couldn't just leave, but she didn't have to worry about jobs, social life, money, responsibilities. She knew that she had friends regardless because that was all there was for each of them. She was presented with the opportunity to escape but refused to take it because the "Real world" was to scary. I know for a while when Lauren was in treatment this occurred. That is why she does so well in treatment but not so well in the real world. All responsibility, all uncertainty, most all worries taken away. It wasn't until this girl in the show decided her freedom to choose was more important than security that she was able to move forward. Of course in the show she wasn't let out until she could prove she was ready to move forward. That isn't an option for Lauren. But I do think... she struggles with the "real world" for just such reasons.
This girl also said when asked about a fellow suicide that she should have been a decent human and been there for the other. She said "I wish I had told her that I know what it feels likes to want to die, and I know what it feels like to want to hurt yourself physically so badly to keep the thing inside from feeling." I can't imagine how that would feel. I can't imagine hurting myself physically. I can say I do know what it feels like to want to die. But that has only been at times when I have been so depressed, and has never been a constant struggle. I'm not sure I could win that struggle.
The other thing I gained from the show was something the psychiatrist said to her. She said she had a decision to make, and it was a big one. A hard one. And so she felt the girl was ambivalent. Then went on to explain that ambivalence isn't that you don't care, it's that you care too much, so you don't know what to choose. She said the young girl had to choose... to be crazy or choose to be sane. She had to choose to live a full life with all of it's ups and downs and working through things, or she could choose to stay where she was and be safe, but never really happy. And not safe as in no harm, but safe as in not having to deal with reality and it's issues. That it was a tough decision that only she could make.
Any sane person would say choose life. However many a sane person doesn't choose life. I know there have been plenty of times when I follow routine. Not because it is best, but because it is familiar, I know what to expect. Especially pulling oneself out of depression. You know you'll be happier ultimately, but it is such a struggle, and you know what to expect and not to expect and sometimes it's just easier to stay stuck. I didn't say better. Just easier. I think Lauren struggles with this as well. It is hard for me, and she has so many more problems going on than I do. I can't imagine being in her mind..... and yet....... In a way.....I can see how she would prefer to stay there.
Anyway... It was just a few things that stood out to me.
This young lady was put in a mental institution. She hated it. She wanted out. But she loved it at the same time. Although she was 'locked up" she had so many freedoms that she felt secure. No she couldn't just leave, but she didn't have to worry about jobs, social life, money, responsibilities. She knew that she had friends regardless because that was all there was for each of them. She was presented with the opportunity to escape but refused to take it because the "Real world" was to scary. I know for a while when Lauren was in treatment this occurred. That is why she does so well in treatment but not so well in the real world. All responsibility, all uncertainty, most all worries taken away. It wasn't until this girl in the show decided her freedom to choose was more important than security that she was able to move forward. Of course in the show she wasn't let out until she could prove she was ready to move forward. That isn't an option for Lauren. But I do think... she struggles with the "real world" for just such reasons.
This girl also said when asked about a fellow suicide that she should have been a decent human and been there for the other. She said "I wish I had told her that I know what it feels likes to want to die, and I know what it feels like to want to hurt yourself physically so badly to keep the thing inside from feeling." I can't imagine how that would feel. I can't imagine hurting myself physically. I can say I do know what it feels like to want to die. But that has only been at times when I have been so depressed, and has never been a constant struggle. I'm not sure I could win that struggle.
The other thing I gained from the show was something the psychiatrist said to her. She said she had a decision to make, and it was a big one. A hard one. And so she felt the girl was ambivalent. Then went on to explain that ambivalence isn't that you don't care, it's that you care too much, so you don't know what to choose. She said the young girl had to choose... to be crazy or choose to be sane. She had to choose to live a full life with all of it's ups and downs and working through things, or she could choose to stay where she was and be safe, but never really happy. And not safe as in no harm, but safe as in not having to deal with reality and it's issues. That it was a tough decision that only she could make.
Any sane person would say choose life. However many a sane person doesn't choose life. I know there have been plenty of times when I follow routine. Not because it is best, but because it is familiar, I know what to expect. Especially pulling oneself out of depression. You know you'll be happier ultimately, but it is such a struggle, and you know what to expect and not to expect and sometimes it's just easier to stay stuck. I didn't say better. Just easier. I think Lauren struggles with this as well. It is hard for me, and she has so many more problems going on than I do. I can't imagine being in her mind..... and yet....... In a way.....I can see how she would prefer to stay there.
Anyway... It was just a few things that stood out to me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Love One Another
We recently had a baptism in our ward. The young lady (18) moved in with her grandma about 3 months ago. She comes from a rather hard/abusive background and found solace, comfort and acceptance here. She has made many friends and is gaining a sense of her value in life. She is exceptionally sweet. Ian and I attended the baptism because we are good friends with the grandma. She is a lady that had quite a sordid background as well. Later in her life she found the gospel and has accepted it and loves it. Think of a 65 year old biker gal with a huge bronx accent and then think of her living the gospel, and you have it. I love her to death. She has taught me a lot about overlooking stereotypes and finding the wonderful person inside.
However back to the baptism. After the young lady was baptized a member of the stake welcomed her into the ward and church and also gave a little speech about what to expect. He had her stand up and turn around at look at all the people who were there to attend her baptism. There were a lot. The whole relief Society room was overfull. People were standing. Then he said these people are your family, they are here to love you, support you and help you through all difficulties in life. As disciples of Christ this is what we do. I was touched but saddened. I thought about how all the young women in our ward had really surrounded this girl and made her feel welcomed. How the whole ward had surrounded her with love. They knew her situation and they helped. It really was a christ like endeavor.
But then I thought of Lauren. She grew up in this church and chose to be baptized when she was 8. She was so happy on that day and so excited. More than any of my children she was aware of the covenants she was making and was thrilled to make them. Then her disorder kicked in a few years later. When we moved here the girls surrounded Lauren with the same attention and love they did this other girl. She had instant friends who loved her. And she did so well for the first little while. Everyone wanted to hand out with her. But again her emotions would kick in and get the better of her. She would become angry, rude, over needy, demanding. The girls never knew what to expect or even how to handle it. When you have a bad day and you tell someone your going to kill yourself if they don't like you.....well....... That doesn't exactly make them want to stay around. Oh a lot of them did because of the fear of her self harm. But that only reinforced the negative behavior and she would do it over and over and eventually the poor young women couldn't handle it. Didn't know what to do about it. So they began to avoid her. Parents who heard of her behavior were concerned and some of them would contact me to find out what was going on. Those I was actually able to tell about Lauren's condition. They were understanding and compassionate, and caring. But they weren't too hip on having their daughters hang out with Lauren because who knew what she would do. So they pulled away which caused her suffer severe rejection.Which only worsened her behaviors. Some mothers who never bothered to find out the reasons simply decided she was a bad egg and avoided the whole family like a plague. She had bishops and leaders who didn't quite understand her condition and say things that weren't helpful. One bishop told her that her attempts to commit suicide for attention were sins that would keep her out of the temple so she couldn't do baptisms for the dead. This upset her extremely. Few of the people understood that she could not control her emotions. That those emotions drove her to actions.
We have a new bishop. When he was sustained he told the congregation that his favorite smell in sacrament was cigarette smoke. Yes we believe smoking cigarettes is a sin. It destroys the body that God created for us. But he said if he smelled it he was happy because he knew someone was present that was truly trying, and that church was for the sinners, not the perfect. He later said if all our sins smelled like cigarette smoke how likely would we be to come. He hoped we all would and that we all would be loving. Lauren tried for many years to continue in church. But she always felt ostracized. I don't think people were truly trying to, but her actions had caused them to avoid her. And her own emotions only magnified those emotions until church was place where she could never meet the standard or be accepted. When she had turned to her ward family to always be loving, supportive, and caring through her most difficult times......they weren't there. It was all a big lie. At least in her mind. I can't really blame them. Oh yes I wish more had made the effort to push through to see her....many adults did....but not any of the young women. But then how could I expect that. They didn't have the capacity to understand or deal with it. I understand her condition pretty well (so I think) and there are many times when I and not able to deal with it. There are times when she attacks me that it hurts and it is hard to remember that it isn't me that is the problem. I'm the outlet.
I thought gain about this new member and I thought I hope that she truly continues to try... that she really makes an effort, because our church is very good at helping people who continue to try. It is the ones that have given up that the members, not the church, seem to abandon. WE had a general authority say at a conference a while ago "don't hate me because I sin differently than you." Many members have a really difficult time with that. I may yell at my kids, lie a little, overeat..... but you smoke. Therefore my kids must avoid you, or I must avoid you myself. This isn't what the gospel teaches but ...it's perfect and people are not.
I don't wonder why Lauren hates the church. I can't blame her for feeling like she will never be able to be good enough there. But I watch her flounder without a solid foundation and know that without it she will continue to flounder. She needs the gospel in her life. She needs the support and love of members. She needs the unconditional love that is promised. But reality and ideal are so different how does she reconcile that..... and can I blame her for that? Will god blame her for that? I don't know. I just know that we as a membership need to try harder to live like Christ. I personally could do a better job of accepting others despite their faults, at looking for who they are instead of what they do.
Samantha
However back to the baptism. After the young lady was baptized a member of the stake welcomed her into the ward and church and also gave a little speech about what to expect. He had her stand up and turn around at look at all the people who were there to attend her baptism. There were a lot. The whole relief Society room was overfull. People were standing. Then he said these people are your family, they are here to love you, support you and help you through all difficulties in life. As disciples of Christ this is what we do. I was touched but saddened. I thought about how all the young women in our ward had really surrounded this girl and made her feel welcomed. How the whole ward had surrounded her with love. They knew her situation and they helped. It really was a christ like endeavor.
But then I thought of Lauren. She grew up in this church and chose to be baptized when she was 8. She was so happy on that day and so excited. More than any of my children she was aware of the covenants she was making and was thrilled to make them. Then her disorder kicked in a few years later. When we moved here the girls surrounded Lauren with the same attention and love they did this other girl. She had instant friends who loved her. And she did so well for the first little while. Everyone wanted to hand out with her. But again her emotions would kick in and get the better of her. She would become angry, rude, over needy, demanding. The girls never knew what to expect or even how to handle it. When you have a bad day and you tell someone your going to kill yourself if they don't like you.....well....... That doesn't exactly make them want to stay around. Oh a lot of them did because of the fear of her self harm. But that only reinforced the negative behavior and she would do it over and over and eventually the poor young women couldn't handle it. Didn't know what to do about it. So they began to avoid her. Parents who heard of her behavior were concerned and some of them would contact me to find out what was going on. Those I was actually able to tell about Lauren's condition. They were understanding and compassionate, and caring. But they weren't too hip on having their daughters hang out with Lauren because who knew what she would do. So they pulled away which caused her suffer severe rejection.Which only worsened her behaviors. Some mothers who never bothered to find out the reasons simply decided she was a bad egg and avoided the whole family like a plague. She had bishops and leaders who didn't quite understand her condition and say things that weren't helpful. One bishop told her that her attempts to commit suicide for attention were sins that would keep her out of the temple so she couldn't do baptisms for the dead. This upset her extremely. Few of the people understood that she could not control her emotions. That those emotions drove her to actions.
We have a new bishop. When he was sustained he told the congregation that his favorite smell in sacrament was cigarette smoke. Yes we believe smoking cigarettes is a sin. It destroys the body that God created for us. But he said if he smelled it he was happy because he knew someone was present that was truly trying, and that church was for the sinners, not the perfect. He later said if all our sins smelled like cigarette smoke how likely would we be to come. He hoped we all would and that we all would be loving. Lauren tried for many years to continue in church. But she always felt ostracized. I don't think people were truly trying to, but her actions had caused them to avoid her. And her own emotions only magnified those emotions until church was place where she could never meet the standard or be accepted. When she had turned to her ward family to always be loving, supportive, and caring through her most difficult times......they weren't there. It was all a big lie. At least in her mind. I can't really blame them. Oh yes I wish more had made the effort to push through to see her....many adults did....but not any of the young women. But then how could I expect that. They didn't have the capacity to understand or deal with it. I understand her condition pretty well (so I think) and there are many times when I and not able to deal with it. There are times when she attacks me that it hurts and it is hard to remember that it isn't me that is the problem. I'm the outlet.
I thought gain about this new member and I thought I hope that she truly continues to try... that she really makes an effort, because our church is very good at helping people who continue to try. It is the ones that have given up that the members, not the church, seem to abandon. WE had a general authority say at a conference a while ago "don't hate me because I sin differently than you." Many members have a really difficult time with that. I may yell at my kids, lie a little, overeat..... but you smoke. Therefore my kids must avoid you, or I must avoid you myself. This isn't what the gospel teaches but ...it's perfect and people are not.
I don't wonder why Lauren hates the church. I can't blame her for feeling like she will never be able to be good enough there. But I watch her flounder without a solid foundation and know that without it she will continue to flounder. She needs the gospel in her life. She needs the support and love of members. She needs the unconditional love that is promised. But reality and ideal are so different how does she reconcile that..... and can I blame her for that? Will god blame her for that? I don't know. I just know that we as a membership need to try harder to live like Christ. I personally could do a better job of accepting others despite their faults, at looking for who they are instead of what they do.
Samantha
Monday, March 10, 2014
Why she doesn't consider herself a member of our family:part II
"You expect me to be like you." I don't. Though I probably would like it if she had the same values. But I really don't expect her to be like me.
"Because you drag my future husband down." I will admit I am not happy with her decision to marry her current boyfriend. She thinks I don't like her current boyfriend. It isn't that I don't like him. I really think he is an okay person. I do have major concerns with him though. First of all they both have BPD. Who is going to be the stable person in this relationship? They have been together for more than year, but it has been a rocky year to say the least. They have been on and off and on and off etc. Plus he has had other girls, and she has had other men. Of course it was all because of lies other people told. Well why are they believing and trusting others instead of each other? Neither of them have jobs, or a place to live. Neither of them have educations. Her boyfriend hasn't even finished high school or got his GED. They are both living in a homeless shelter. And they are both 18. I just look at all the odds against them and say... waiting certainly can't hurt. If it's meant to be it still will in a year from now. But in three months I don't see how anything will change. And the fact that he wants to commit suicide because it would be better for "her"family.... is just another flag about how unstable they are. She wants me to be happy for her. She wants me to welcome him with loving arms. I did that once, and he left her twice due to what others said, and she fell apart both times. And now I am supposed to just say... okay no harm done. Things will be great. I am so happy for the both of you. That's like telling a drug addict you are pleased they are addicted because then they don't have to worry about their problems. I just can't be happy. I will make every effort to love and support her decision, but don't ask me to be happy about it.
"You have poisoned your brothers minds against me." I don't think there is anyone in this family who has pled for understanding and kindness towards Lauren more than me. Not only in her immediate family but in both of her extended families. I understand perfectly how she can come across. I have tried valiantly to help the family and even friends to understand her issues, her inabilities and to give her chance after chance. If her brothers minds are poisoned it is because they are at points in their lives (teenagers) where they can't get past their own issues in order to understand someone else's. And above that they often make snap judgements and say things they later regret. It's a symptom of the age. If I could change it I would.... but it doesn't work. I do not think it is okay for anyone to tell her to kill herself. Not her friends, nor her relatives nor her brothers. Two things to consider here: Seth swears he didn't say that, and often Lauren puts her own interpretation on things. On top of that I lectured Seth pretty well about his not being understanding of his sister and that it is not his job to parents her or get after her or anything. She is his sister and he is to love her. If she needs correcting Ian or I will do it.
Do I think she should let bygones be bygones? Yes and no. We can't change the past and it does effect us. However carrying around grudges and anger really only hurts herself. Plus it disrupts the peace of every family get together. Yes her cousin has done many hurtful things to her, but she has done just as many hurtful things to her. They also were both teenagers at the time and take everything personally and have a hard time admitting wrong doing. I think both are miserable with the choices they have made. I think the only way they will ever get past it is to realize they were both contributers to the problem. That they both said things they didn't mean that hurt a lot, that they both did things that were mean. Then let it go and try to build from there. I don't think they need to be best friends, but the anger on both sides is only hurtful to them.
"Your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts." I know she may think that at the present, and may even have convinced herself of that, but when I look back most of them were friend issues, or boyfriend issues. She may have cut many times to deal with the pain of family, but the suicide attempts were not because of them. It is funny how one can convince oneself of things that didn't occur. Lauren has told me she had a very unhappy childhood and never had any friends. That was not the case. Until she was older she always had friends. She was quite happy and enjoyed her childhood, but where she is at now, she can't see it. I do realize that my family more than Ian's has a difficult time with Lauren's choices. Not that they don't still love her. She sees it as judgement. They see it as disappointment. I have a father that feels he needs to let you know how he feels about things. After that he doesn't mention it but goes about doing things like always, He has gone out of his way many times to help Lauren. I have a mother that would do the same, though again she does have a way of letting you know what she thinks. The others never talk about it, but again they aren't as close to her anymore. For one thing they have seen how easy it is to upset her, so they aren't sure what to say... so they stay to safe topics. In other words they all walk on eggshells, and that doesn't add up to a good relationship either. Ian's family is better able to include Lauren regardless of what has happened. However it should be noted that the main people that accept her so well is her grandma, who really puts forth effort, and her Aunt who has left the church and traveled her own rocky road at times. I want her to feel that unconditional love from all of them, but again..... Unconditional doesn't mean we lower our standards so you feel comfortable, or we let you walk all over us.
Finally I am so sorry Lauren doesn't feel like I love her. I am so sorry she doesn't think I like her. I guess I have a hard time showing it. She is so prickly at times that it is pretty hard to hug a porcupine. I guess the hardest issues I have is I to don't know what to talk about. There don't seem to be any safe topics that aren't mundane. We can't talk about her plans, or her dreams. We can't talk about the future. Religion is taboo, or any standards that might go with it. She wants to talk Tattoos and piercings and her current lifestyle. I can listen, but feel distanced and bad that she is so enthralled with something I think is so bad for her. I can't say anything or it starts another fight so I say nothing. Ian says he feels like she distanced herself from us about two years ago, and the only time she really wants anything to do with us, is when she needs something her "new family" can't provide, like money, or food, or getting out of trouble. I think he is hurt and that she is hurt. But..... I do love Lauren. I love her with all my heart. I know she is more than her condition. I know she is a kind and loving person. She is loyal and determined. She continues trying regardless. She is strong. I also know she is controlled by this condition and until she really gets some real therapy for it, she will continue to be controlled. I would love to help her in any way I can to be the person that I know God knows she is. However I can't support her in so many of the choices she has made that hurt her. And she sees that as not loving her. Sometimes love really hurts!
Samantha
"Because you drag my future husband down." I will admit I am not happy with her decision to marry her current boyfriend. She thinks I don't like her current boyfriend. It isn't that I don't like him. I really think he is an okay person. I do have major concerns with him though. First of all they both have BPD. Who is going to be the stable person in this relationship? They have been together for more than year, but it has been a rocky year to say the least. They have been on and off and on and off etc. Plus he has had other girls, and she has had other men. Of course it was all because of lies other people told. Well why are they believing and trusting others instead of each other? Neither of them have jobs, or a place to live. Neither of them have educations. Her boyfriend hasn't even finished high school or got his GED. They are both living in a homeless shelter. And they are both 18. I just look at all the odds against them and say... waiting certainly can't hurt. If it's meant to be it still will in a year from now. But in three months I don't see how anything will change. And the fact that he wants to commit suicide because it would be better for "her"family.... is just another flag about how unstable they are. She wants me to be happy for her. She wants me to welcome him with loving arms. I did that once, and he left her twice due to what others said, and she fell apart both times. And now I am supposed to just say... okay no harm done. Things will be great. I am so happy for the both of you. That's like telling a drug addict you are pleased they are addicted because then they don't have to worry about their problems. I just can't be happy. I will make every effort to love and support her decision, but don't ask me to be happy about it.
"You have poisoned your brothers minds against me." I don't think there is anyone in this family who has pled for understanding and kindness towards Lauren more than me. Not only in her immediate family but in both of her extended families. I understand perfectly how she can come across. I have tried valiantly to help the family and even friends to understand her issues, her inabilities and to give her chance after chance. If her brothers minds are poisoned it is because they are at points in their lives (teenagers) where they can't get past their own issues in order to understand someone else's. And above that they often make snap judgements and say things they later regret. It's a symptom of the age. If I could change it I would.... but it doesn't work. I do not think it is okay for anyone to tell her to kill herself. Not her friends, nor her relatives nor her brothers. Two things to consider here: Seth swears he didn't say that, and often Lauren puts her own interpretation on things. On top of that I lectured Seth pretty well about his not being understanding of his sister and that it is not his job to parents her or get after her or anything. She is his sister and he is to love her. If she needs correcting Ian or I will do it.
Do I think she should let bygones be bygones? Yes and no. We can't change the past and it does effect us. However carrying around grudges and anger really only hurts herself. Plus it disrupts the peace of every family get together. Yes her cousin has done many hurtful things to her, but she has done just as many hurtful things to her. They also were both teenagers at the time and take everything personally and have a hard time admitting wrong doing. I think both are miserable with the choices they have made. I think the only way they will ever get past it is to realize they were both contributers to the problem. That they both said things they didn't mean that hurt a lot, that they both did things that were mean. Then let it go and try to build from there. I don't think they need to be best friends, but the anger on both sides is only hurtful to them.
"Your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts." I know she may think that at the present, and may even have convinced herself of that, but when I look back most of them were friend issues, or boyfriend issues. She may have cut many times to deal with the pain of family, but the suicide attempts were not because of them. It is funny how one can convince oneself of things that didn't occur. Lauren has told me she had a very unhappy childhood and never had any friends. That was not the case. Until she was older she always had friends. She was quite happy and enjoyed her childhood, but where she is at now, she can't see it. I do realize that my family more than Ian's has a difficult time with Lauren's choices. Not that they don't still love her. She sees it as judgement. They see it as disappointment. I have a father that feels he needs to let you know how he feels about things. After that he doesn't mention it but goes about doing things like always, He has gone out of his way many times to help Lauren. I have a mother that would do the same, though again she does have a way of letting you know what she thinks. The others never talk about it, but again they aren't as close to her anymore. For one thing they have seen how easy it is to upset her, so they aren't sure what to say... so they stay to safe topics. In other words they all walk on eggshells, and that doesn't add up to a good relationship either. Ian's family is better able to include Lauren regardless of what has happened. However it should be noted that the main people that accept her so well is her grandma, who really puts forth effort, and her Aunt who has left the church and traveled her own rocky road at times. I want her to feel that unconditional love from all of them, but again..... Unconditional doesn't mean we lower our standards so you feel comfortable, or we let you walk all over us.
Finally I am so sorry Lauren doesn't feel like I love her. I am so sorry she doesn't think I like her. I guess I have a hard time showing it. She is so prickly at times that it is pretty hard to hug a porcupine. I guess the hardest issues I have is I to don't know what to talk about. There don't seem to be any safe topics that aren't mundane. We can't talk about her plans, or her dreams. We can't talk about the future. Religion is taboo, or any standards that might go with it. She wants to talk Tattoos and piercings and her current lifestyle. I can listen, but feel distanced and bad that she is so enthralled with something I think is so bad for her. I can't say anything or it starts another fight so I say nothing. Ian says he feels like she distanced herself from us about two years ago, and the only time she really wants anything to do with us, is when she needs something her "new family" can't provide, like money, or food, or getting out of trouble. I think he is hurt and that she is hurt. But..... I do love Lauren. I love her with all my heart. I know she is more than her condition. I know she is a kind and loving person. She is loyal and determined. She continues trying regardless. She is strong. I also know she is controlled by this condition and until she really gets some real therapy for it, she will continue to be controlled. I would love to help her in any way I can to be the person that I know God knows she is. However I can't support her in so many of the choices she has made that hurt her. And she sees that as not loving her. Sometimes love really hurts!
Samantha
Why she doesn't consider herself a member of our family
Why? Because you can't support my relationship, regardless of how happy it makes me. Because you can't support me as a person. Because you want me to be someone I'm not, and you will never accept me as the tattooed, pierced, cigarette smoking, Pansexual, Pagan, occasional weed smoking person I am. Because you expect me to be like you. Because you drag my future HUSBAND down to the point where he considers suicide, because 'that would be better for your family'. Because you have poisoned my own brothers minds against me. Because you are aware of my issues, yet you still think it's acceptable for Seth to tell me to kill myself. Because you think I should just let the shit that 'my family' has done to me go and forgive them, even tho most of your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts. Because you are completely incapable of actually loving me for who I am.I received this e-mail last night, plus she posted some stuff on facebook, about how she is happier now than she has ever been and that we only ever tried to make her miserable. I was up a lot of the night trying to decide if I should reply or not. I don't think it would do any good. Not sure what set off the latest firestorm. But I finally decided to post my thoughts here.
1st. The e-mail really hurt. I know she is lashing out because she is hurt, and because rather than accept that her actions have a lot to do with her unhappiness it is safer for her to blame us for all of it. But it still hurts. I have tried to show my love to Lauren in a million ways. But all she can see right now is areas where I refuse to budge on my principles. Because I don't agree with her...I can't love her. But to love someone and try to show them over and over and have them spit it in your face, regardless of the situation is really hard.
2nd. I realize that I still have grieving to do on my own. I am a mother of one daughter. Wether it is right or not... You have a daughter and you have these dreams of things you are going to do together or things that will happen. Things like shopping together as best friends once they are older. Discussing their crushes. Planning a beautiful wedding and being happy and excited for that day. You want to share in their success as they move to adulthood. There first real job, Their graduation, their moving into their own place. I've tried to do those things, but the reality is so far from the expectation that it hurts. A lot of times I think we have dreams for out children that aren't theirs, and we can't force them on them. That wouldn't be right, so we adjust. I have no problem adjusting when it comes to many things, but certain ones I have a hard time with. I need to take some time to rethink and grieve for what can never be.
3rd. In some areas I am sure this e-mail is accurate. We do have a hard time accepting her piercings, tattoos, cigarette smoking, pansexual, pagan, weed smoking person. Let me first say I don't think excessive piercings and tattoos look nice. I think our bodies are made by God as he would want them, and that adding these things only distracts from our natural beauty. However that doesn't mean I think people with them are bad, or evil, or any such thing. I am sure, even though I don't know a lot of people that have them, that they are loving and kind, and good people. I am also sure that in a lot of cases the young adults who are getting these are doing it as a rebellious statement (simply to fight against society or parents etc). I am not a fan of stereotypes, and try to not apply them to individuals, but the fact is that stereotypes exist for a reason. There is a lot of truth behind them or they wouldn't exist. It is true that a lot of people in jail have tattoos and piercings. Those who live on the edge do things on the edge. Of course not all of them. But a lot. the problem with Lauren is...... Her disorder leads her to follow whatever group she finds acceptance. If they are stealing, she'll steal, if they are drinking she'll drink. If they are breaking the law so will she. If they are abusing drugs, so will she. She isn't someone who can associate with a style and not involve herself in it fully. Thus it isn't a fashion statement or an expression of who she is, but a way of life. And not a good one. The second problem for her is that in order to truly move forward in life..... As unfair as it may be.... she will have to conform to some standard of normal. If you look at the majority of successful people in the world (and yes I'm talking job here), the way they look drives perceptions. People are more likely to trust someone clean shaven than someone edgy. Not fair I know. But like I said stereotypes exist for a reason. Sure you can try to change them... but it will be a long battle and in the meantime what do you do? The cigarette smoking speaks for itself. Of course I don't want it. Everyone knows it is bad for you, besides it stinks terribly. Weed smoking.... well that speaks for itself too. Just because there is a law saying it is legal doesn't mean it is good for you. People can get drunk too, but that isn't healthy. You make stupid decisions when you let some chemical like that control you. Of course I am against it.
The pagan thing. I am biased. But that doesn't mean I can't accept another religion. I have a hard time with paganism though as it seems to involve a lot of mysticism. I know there are good things to it as well, but when I listened to Lauren talking with others about these pagan spirits that influence her and cause her to act certain ways I just think that is another way of blaming your actions on someone or something else. As I have mentioned before we are Mormon. She was raised as a Mormon. And one of the teachings was freedom of choice. No one can force you to act in certain ways or do certain things. You have a choice as to what you do.... however the outcome is based on that choice and you don't get to choose to deny or accept that after you have made a choice. For example if someone is sexually active with many partners during their youth, and later repents of it and is forgiven, the sin is no longer there. However if they develop Aids later in life that has nothing to do with their not repenting but has everything to do with their choices. It is not a punishment. It is a consequence. while I know that a lot of Lauren's choices are controlled by her emotions..... and I truly believe that in a lot of circumstances she is incapable of making other choices to blame those choices on some protective spirit... well I have a hard time with it.
I realize that Mormonism is very difficult for Lauren because it does make us responsible for our actions. She tries and fails, and fails and fails and that just means she is bad in her eyes. But that isn't how I see it. I don't see God as cruel. He is very aware of her issues. He knows what she can and cannot control. I think he is pleased that she continues to try no matter how many times she fails. I wish I could give her the peace I find in the knowledge the gospel brings. But she is so set against it.... and members are partially to blame ( and probably us indirectly) that she will have nothing to do with it. Does that hurt? It does. It is the most important thing in my life and to have her reject it hurts. But it also hurts because I think it is the one thing that can save her.
Pansexual. Well of course I'm against it. I believe that sexual relationships should exist only in marriage and that marriage as defined by God is between a man and a woman. So can I accept ..... Of course. But do I condone? No. However.... In all of my research on relationships for young people with bpd, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with the relationship. And as I look at Lauren's relationships....although there have been girls, her major relationships are always guys.
I think the problem she has is one that a lot of people have. If you don't agree with me you can't respect or love me. There are many people in the world I don't agree with. Over many issues. That doesn't mean I can't love them. Just because I am not willing to lower my standards, or change my beliefs does not mean that we cannot understand each other or love each other. But she can't see it that way. I suppose she does see the standards we live as judgements on her choices. Not that we try to judge her, but we are not willing to change those. I often find it funny that people expect us to change our standards for them. Someone doesn't go into a catholic church and say I am methodist and want to go to church here so you need to change the way you do things so I can feel comfortable. No ... they would be told to go to a methodist church. If you go to the catholic church you do things the way the catholics do. We have the same standards in our home. We are Mormon. We live our religion and standards. You don't have to, but when you are in your home you don't come in saying we should allow you to drink, to smoke, to use drugs, to use foul language. If you want to do that you have to go somewhere else. And Lauren sees that as rejection, which it really isn't.
That is the first part of my thoughts. I will continue with the rest of the message later. This post is too long as it is.
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