This post has not so much to do with BPD in particular, though it certainly applies to that, but with my life in general, and some feelings I have really struggled with lately. I want to start by saying that I love my life. There have been times, and many times when I have truly wanted to die. If I ever had the courage to take my own life I probably would have, but I didn't. I am so glad. Even though my life has been full of ups and downs, there have been many ups. I have learned over the past while the true understanding of peace in your life. Our life has been anything but "peaceful". We have had hospital visits, jail visits, children removed from the home, police in our home, drugs, sex, violence, cancer, kidney problems, pornography problems, mental illness, anger and so many other damaging things in our home. I would say that on the day to day basis we have probably had our fair share of trials, and then a bit, but in spite of all of that.... there is a peace. No not peace as in nothing wrong happens, but peace in that God is aware, God is doing what he can, and that I need to trust. Now this isn't a hundred percent. I am after all VERY human. There are times when I want to cry, rail and be mad at God, at the church I belong to. There are times I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of life, but after I calm down, I am always drawn back to the peace of knowing that God is in charge. He knew what these trials were and why our family needed them.
Lately though I have had a sadness in my heart. I have concerns for my children, for family members, for friends, for those I love. I have thought a lot about "Men's hearts failing them." I even talked to my kids about it just two days ago, and what it means. We are in the latter days and we are in the time when men will call good things evil and evil things good. We are in the day when men and women who are valiant and who have loved the church and had a testimony are falling away. I don't know all of the reasons people leave the church. I don't pretend to even understand all of the reasons, but I do KNOW that what ever the reason, if it takes you away from the church that Christ restored on this earth it isn't a good thing. I am lucky in a couple of ways.... first I grew up with a dad that was very practical and open to the gospel and all it engenders. He taught me from a young age that we are not blind followers of a prophet. He taught me that with all revelation that is for the church that we each have the opportunity and obligation to gain a personal witness of that truth. We should pray and get our own confirmation. He also was open to others opinions of the church, but with an eye of testimony. He wasn't looking for ways to find fault with the church, but he was understanding of others ways of looking at the church. I remember him saying to me at a time in my youth when I wasn't sure what to believe...." Have you found anything better? Anything that teaches better principles and values? If you live the gospel and find out there is nothing on the other side what have you lost? If you choose not to, and then find out there is something on the other side though, what have you lost?" While I don't think I could ever live my whole life on that saying, it was what got me through that time. As I lived the gospel I found that my testimony grew and the more I lived it the stronger I knew it was true. I am thankful to my dad and my Mom, for their testimonies. Even now when things get difficult and I whine they are able to support and lift me up and remind me that we may not have all the answers we think we need, but that God knows the why of all things.
I want to express here some things about my family. I am going to be very blunt. When I was a young adult I struggled with staying morally clean. It was a huge temptation for me. One I didn't always succeed at resisting. In the beginning of my marriage my husband struggled with pornography and it created issues in our marriage. I had a son who really struggled in school and with anger and self control as a child. Then I had a daughter who was sexually abused. I have a brother who is gay. As my children grew I had a daughter that developed a mental Illness BPD, and has had multiple suicide attempts, low self esteem, participates in risky behavior. She has been in and out of mental institutions and jail at times. I had a son who got caught up in moral sins as well and become disfellowshipped and be taken from our home. I have had two children that have hurt each other mentally, over and over. I have other sons, who have been damaged by all of the ups and downs in their life by the stress of their siblings. One struggles with depression at times and the other struggles with anger and self control and weight because of it all. On top of that my parents health is not good and they rely on me, my own health has problems as I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease. My life has not been easy. With some of my children I have felt very strongly that a church leader has made a wrong decision in their life. Not to hurt them, but that is what has happened. I know they were doing what they felt was best, only they got lost in the system and fellowshipping never happened and now they are not sure they want it. And even more are bitter about how it all came about. The process was not done in the best way. I have a child that hates the church because they feel they can never live up to it's expectations or beliefs and God has not taken away their trials so he can't love them. I think from a trial standpoint I have many experiences that could make or break me. Sometimes I ask why my family. I have tried our entire married life to have scripture study with my family and prayer. I have tried to teach my children, to have family home evening. I have gone to church regularly and encouraged my kids participation in the church programs. I have tried so hard so why has my family struggled so hard with so many moral temptations and with activity in the church. I have even felt at times that what is the use of the church if I live it and my children don't I won't be with them anyway and that certainly won't be heaven. I think I have a good understanding of bitterness and questioning of how can something so right go so terrible wrong. How could God allow someone in his church, a leader, to hurt someone who is trying to get back to Him? How can my children have so many problems when I have tried so hard to teach them to have faith in God?
I've also had questions about why keep the archives closed, why not open them to all? Why were the blacks not allowed the priesthood for so long, why, why, why? Here is what I have come to know. The church is TRUE. The Prophet does receive revelation for the church and his leadership in gospel doctrine will follow the will of the Lord. How that doctrine is carried out, is however, done by mortal men. The prophet is mortal. The Apostles are mortal. They will make mistakes. Will they make mistakes that effect the whole church...NO, but will some individuals be affected -- YES. Is it fair? NO, but neither is my daughter having a mental illness to battle her whole life. Our leaders will make mistakes. Some will hurt us as individuals, but is our testimony based on the men that run the church or on Christ. Some things I don't have answers for. I have ideas... I have ideas as to why it took so long for the blacks to receive the priesthood, I have ideas on why the church practiced polygamy, but I don't have a concrete answer from God, and in all reality why do I need it? How do those answers keep me from living the gospel doctrines? I am sure when the church was first restored on the earth that a lot of things weren't understood 100% and that they acted on what they knew, making mistakes, but those mistakes will be corrected by God as they weren't intentional, and they don't effect the doctrines that were revealed.
I think many people in our church are led astray by what is called leader worship. It isn't doctrine by any means, and is discouraged, but many members still do it. They feel that if a general authority says it, it is true. There are books that are written by prophets that are NOT doctrine. Prophets have their own opinions as well. After all if God revealed everything to them, they would have no need of this life either. Their would be no test or faith involved. Sometimes God leaves us to make the best decisions we can. If it effects the whole church and it's doctrine it comes from God, if it doesn't, then in isn't doctrine.
I think a bigger issue we face however is a mistaken belief as society as a whole. We have caught onto the idea and correctly so in a way that God is a loving God. He is not the demanding, vengeful God of the old testament, but one who loves us unconditionally. While that is true, loving someone unconditionally, does not mean that their are not consequences or right or wrong. So many people believe that if God loves us, he accepts us how we are. We are looking for something that fits our wants and desires instead or us trying to make our wants and desires fit the Lords. We have told God what we want and how he can help us, and if our religion doesn't match that we leave. How many people say their prayers are never answered because instead of aligning themselves with Gods will, they are seeking for God to align himself with them. We are telling God we know best. While God does love us unconditionally and is always reaching out to us and trying to help us, he is expecting us to become better to make changes in our lives and to improve. He does expect us to obey his commandments. You can change your religion all you want, but it isn't going to change God's true gospel. In the end you only hurt yourself.
So .....I guess all of this rambling has a purpose. I want my friends, my family, my loved ones to know that I pray for you each and every day that you will either remain strong in the True Gospel of Jesus Christ or that you may find your way back to it. I want you to know that I KNOW that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth that has all of the keys and knowledge that has been restored by Jesus. I KNOW that lasting happiness and eternal peace will only come by living his Gospel. I KNOW that Jesus leads this church. I KNOW that he allows bad things to happen to us, after all we each need to grow, and that is the best way to grow. I KNOW that He is aware of all that is happening, and that if we lay our doubts and burdens and trials at His feet, he will be there to help us. I KNOW if we try our hardest to obey His doctrines that we will be with Him in the eternities. I KNOW that only by perseverance and endurance will we make it through this life. But I also KNOW that we can have peace in this life even through the difficulties, and that peace comes only from Him. I plead for each of you to search your hearts and pray. Live the Gospel and return to the truth or find it. I love you. I want the best for you.
Love Samantha
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