"You expect me to be like you." I don't. Though I probably would like it if she had the same values. But I really don't expect her to be like me.
"Because you drag my future husband down." I will admit I am not happy with her decision to marry her current boyfriend. She thinks I don't like her current boyfriend. It isn't that I don't like him. I really think he is an okay person. I do have major concerns with him though. First of all they both have BPD. Who is going to be the stable person in this relationship? They have been together for more than year, but it has been a rocky year to say the least. They have been on and off and on and off etc. Plus he has had other girls, and she has had other men. Of course it was all because of lies other people told. Well why are they believing and trusting others instead of each other? Neither of them have jobs, or a place to live. Neither of them have educations. Her boyfriend hasn't even finished high school or got his GED. They are both living in a homeless shelter. And they are both 18. I just look at all the odds against them and say... waiting certainly can't hurt. If it's meant to be it still will in a year from now. But in three months I don't see how anything will change. And the fact that he wants to commit suicide because it would be better for "her"family.... is just another flag about how unstable they are. She wants me to be happy for her. She wants me to welcome him with loving arms. I did that once, and he left her twice due to what others said, and she fell apart both times. And now I am supposed to just say... okay no harm done. Things will be great. I am so happy for the both of you. That's like telling a drug addict you are pleased they are addicted because then they don't have to worry about their problems. I just can't be happy. I will make every effort to love and support her decision, but don't ask me to be happy about it.
"You have poisoned your brothers minds against me." I don't think there is anyone in this family who has pled for understanding and kindness towards Lauren more than me. Not only in her immediate family but in both of her extended families. I understand perfectly how she can come across. I have tried valiantly to help the family and even friends to understand her issues, her inabilities and to give her chance after chance. If her brothers minds are poisoned it is because they are at points in their lives (teenagers) where they can't get past their own issues in order to understand someone else's. And above that they often make snap judgements and say things they later regret. It's a symptom of the age. If I could change it I would.... but it doesn't work. I do not think it is okay for anyone to tell her to kill herself. Not her friends, nor her relatives nor her brothers. Two things to consider here: Seth swears he didn't say that, and often Lauren puts her own interpretation on things. On top of that I lectured Seth pretty well about his not being understanding of his sister and that it is not his job to parents her or get after her or anything. She is his sister and he is to love her. If she needs correcting Ian or I will do it.
Do I think she should let bygones be bygones? Yes and no. We can't change the past and it does effect us. However carrying around grudges and anger really only hurts herself. Plus it disrupts the peace of every family get together. Yes her cousin has done many hurtful things to her, but she has done just as many hurtful things to her. They also were both teenagers at the time and take everything personally and have a hard time admitting wrong doing. I think both are miserable with the choices they have made. I think the only way they will ever get past it is to realize they were both contributers to the problem. That they both said things they didn't mean that hurt a lot, that they both did things that were mean. Then let it go and try to build from there. I don't think they need to be best friends, but the anger on both sides is only hurtful to them.
"Your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts." I know she may think that at the present, and may even have convinced herself of that, but when I look back most of them were friend issues, or boyfriend issues. She may have cut many times to deal with the pain of family, but the suicide attempts were not because of them. It is funny how one can convince oneself of things that didn't occur. Lauren has told me she had a very unhappy childhood and never had any friends. That was not the case. Until she was older she always had friends. She was quite happy and enjoyed her childhood, but where she is at now, she can't see it. I do realize that my family more than Ian's has a difficult time with Lauren's choices. Not that they don't still love her. She sees it as judgement. They see it as disappointment. I have a father that feels he needs to let you know how he feels about things. After that he doesn't mention it but goes about doing things like always, He has gone out of his way many times to help Lauren. I have a mother that would do the same, though again she does have a way of letting you know what she thinks. The others never talk about it, but again they aren't as close to her anymore. For one thing they have seen how easy it is to upset her, so they aren't sure what to say... so they stay to safe topics. In other words they all walk on eggshells, and that doesn't add up to a good relationship either. Ian's family is better able to include Lauren regardless of what has happened. However it should be noted that the main people that accept her so well is her grandma, who really puts forth effort, and her Aunt who has left the church and traveled her own rocky road at times. I want her to feel that unconditional love from all of them, but again..... Unconditional doesn't mean we lower our standards so you feel comfortable, or we let you walk all over us.
Finally I am so sorry Lauren doesn't feel like I love her. I am so sorry she doesn't think I like her. I guess I have a hard time showing it. She is so prickly at times that it is pretty hard to hug a porcupine. I guess the hardest issues I have is I to don't know what to talk about. There don't seem to be any safe topics that aren't mundane. We can't talk about her plans, or her dreams. We can't talk about the future. Religion is taboo, or any standards that might go with it. She wants to talk Tattoos and piercings and her current lifestyle. I can listen, but feel distanced and bad that she is so enthralled with something I think is so bad for her. I can't say anything or it starts another fight so I say nothing. Ian says he feels like she distanced herself from us about two years ago, and the only time she really wants anything to do with us, is when she needs something her "new family" can't provide, like money, or food, or getting out of trouble. I think he is hurt and that she is hurt. But..... I do love Lauren. I love her with all my heart. I know she is more than her condition. I know she is a kind and loving person. She is loyal and determined. She continues trying regardless. She is strong. I also know she is controlled by this condition and until she really gets some real therapy for it, she will continue to be controlled. I would love to help her in any way I can to be the person that I know God knows she is. However I can't support her in so many of the choices she has made that hurt her. And she sees that as not loving her. Sometimes love really hurts!
Samantha
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