So Lauren came out to visit before leaving for Utah. She had decided she couldn't wait to get there with us in two weeks. So she had arranged to meet someone she met online and head there with them. She didn't know them or anything. It is site called ride-share. I prayed and hoped the whole day that she would get there safe . She never let me know. I finally contacted friends she was going to stay with and asked about her. She let me know the next day that she had gotten there safe. I worried all day, but at least she is safe, sort of. We had an argument before she left. I told her I thought she needed to get her life in order and get into therapy. She insisted going to Utah and getting a job was making progress. I told her not if the problems still existed. She refused to listen and just kept saying I could never love her, that all I loved to do was lecture and that I hated her.
None of that is true. I tell her I love her, she doesn't believe it. I try to show her my love, it isn't enough, and since it isn't accepting of whatever she does she sees that as lack of love. I do love her. I have tried over and over to get her help, to assist her, but because I refuse to see marijuana as a good thing, or sex before marriage, or smoking cigarettes, then I can't accept her and therefore must not love her.
Right before I left Colorado as we are now back in Utah, I had lunch with a good friend, Nettie. She too has a daughter that struggles with BPD. They are about 2 years apart. Her family is in upheaval because her daughter is back home and has gotten in trouble with the law. She is trying to get her help, but she is having the same results I get. I cherish my friendship with Nettie. It is so nice to know that there is someone else who gets what I am feeling and going through. I will miss her a lot. We are at different points in our journey. She is still in the trying to keep it quiet stage. I realized a long time ago that life was so much easier if I just admitted that my daughter has a mental illness, and that she does/has done things that most people would be aghast at. Well at least in my religious circles. It is easier to just admit that she has been arrested and done drugs than try to hide it and remember cover ups etc. If the people really care about me and my family they will be able to see beyond her issues and see her illness for what it is, and also see that this condition has nothing to do with bad parenting. She is still embarrassed by what her daughter does and how it effects others. I too have been there, and still am at times, but I have given all of my friends and family the knowledge they need, regarding her condition and how she will act if they allow her too. What they then choose to do it us to them, but we take no responsibility for their choice. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't live my whole life picking up pieces of all the problems her illness creates. I have found that as I have been been more open and honest my life has been so much easier. I know who really cares for me and mine and I am not always embarrassed by the things that happen. I hope Nettie can get to that point soon, because she needs that peace in her life. Her life has been so difficult lately.
Since we have been here Lauren hasn't made any attempt to contact us. I have contacted her twice, one to see how she was, and once to invite her to live with us, and she is homeless and living with a guy again. He is homeless as well. She refused because we wouldn't let him live here as well. It is her choice. She knows that she is welcome but she has to obey the rules of our home, and be willing to help. That is all we have asked. I know she is telling friends that we don't love or care. I know she is posting on facebook that she could die and we wouldn't care. That is not true. We would, and a lot. However I am at peace with this decision. That doesn't mean it is easy. Not at all. There are times I want to through all morals to the wind in order to make sure she is safe, but that won't help her. Regardless of her illness, she has to learn that life has consequences and you don't get to escape them.
This is never a point I thought I would be at. Letting a child be homeless. I don't want her on the streets, or doing drugs, or a multiple of things, but I can't allow her to bring that stuff into my home and influence my other children. I can't have that in my home. I have never worried so much over a child, and yet so sure of the decision I have made. I pray each and every day that God is watching over her, that she knows how much she is loved, that she can find her way out of her pit. There comes a point where you cannot fix another person, they have to fix themselves, and we reached that point a while ago. Now we are finally letting the consequences fall.
Samantha
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