We recently had a baptism in our ward. The young lady (18) moved in with her grandma about 3 months ago. She comes from a rather hard/abusive background and found solace, comfort and acceptance here. She has made many friends and is gaining a sense of her value in life. She is exceptionally sweet. Ian and I attended the baptism because we are good friends with the grandma. She is a lady that had quite a sordid background as well. Later in her life she found the gospel and has accepted it and loves it. Think of a 65 year old biker gal with a huge bronx accent and then think of her living the gospel, and you have it. I love her to death. She has taught me a lot about overlooking stereotypes and finding the wonderful person inside.
However back to the baptism. After the young lady was baptized a member of the stake welcomed her into the ward and church and also gave a little speech about what to expect. He had her stand up and turn around at look at all the people who were there to attend her baptism. There were a lot. The whole relief Society room was overfull. People were standing. Then he said these people are your family, they are here to love you, support you and help you through all difficulties in life. As disciples of Christ this is what we do. I was touched but saddened. I thought about how all the young women in our ward had really surrounded this girl and made her feel welcomed. How the whole ward had surrounded her with love. They knew her situation and they helped. It really was a christ like endeavor.
But then I thought of Lauren. She grew up in this church and chose to be baptized when she was 8. She was so happy on that day and so excited. More than any of my children she was aware of the covenants she was making and was thrilled to make them. Then her disorder kicked in a few years later. When we moved here the girls surrounded Lauren with the same attention and love they did this other girl. She had instant friends who loved her. And she did so well for the first little while. Everyone wanted to hand out with her. But again her emotions would kick in and get the better of her. She would become angry, rude, over needy, demanding. The girls never knew what to expect or even how to handle it. When you have a bad day and you tell someone your going to kill yourself if they don't like you.....well....... That doesn't exactly make them want to stay around. Oh a lot of them did because of the fear of her self harm. But that only reinforced the negative behavior and she would do it over and over and eventually the poor young women couldn't handle it. Didn't know what to do about it. So they began to avoid her. Parents who heard of her behavior were concerned and some of them would contact me to find out what was going on. Those I was actually able to tell about Lauren's condition. They were understanding and compassionate, and caring. But they weren't too hip on having their daughters hang out with Lauren because who knew what she would do. So they pulled away which caused her suffer severe rejection.Which only worsened her behaviors. Some mothers who never bothered to find out the reasons simply decided she was a bad egg and avoided the whole family like a plague. She had bishops and leaders who didn't quite understand her condition and say things that weren't helpful. One bishop told her that her attempts to commit suicide for attention were sins that would keep her out of the temple so she couldn't do baptisms for the dead. This upset her extremely. Few of the people understood that she could not control her emotions. That those emotions drove her to actions.
We have a new bishop. When he was sustained he told the congregation that his favorite smell in sacrament was cigarette smoke. Yes we believe smoking cigarettes is a sin. It destroys the body that God created for us. But he said if he smelled it he was happy because he knew someone was present that was truly trying, and that church was for the sinners, not the perfect. He later said if all our sins smelled like cigarette smoke how likely would we be to come. He hoped we all would and that we all would be loving. Lauren tried for many years to continue in church. But she always felt ostracized. I don't think people were truly trying to, but her actions had caused them to avoid her. And her own emotions only magnified those emotions until church was place where she could never meet the standard or be accepted. When she had turned to her ward family to always be loving, supportive, and caring through her most difficult times......they weren't there. It was all a big lie. At least in her mind. I can't really blame them. Oh yes I wish more had made the effort to push through to see her....many adults did....but not any of the young women. But then how could I expect that. They didn't have the capacity to understand or deal with it. I understand her condition pretty well (so I think) and there are many times when I and not able to deal with it. There are times when she attacks me that it hurts and it is hard to remember that it isn't me that is the problem. I'm the outlet.
I thought gain about this new member and I thought I hope that she truly continues to try... that she really makes an effort, because our church is very good at helping people who continue to try. It is the ones that have given up that the members, not the church, seem to abandon. WE had a general authority say at a conference a while ago "don't hate me because I sin differently than you." Many members have a really difficult time with that. I may yell at my kids, lie a little, overeat..... but you smoke. Therefore my kids must avoid you, or I must avoid you myself. This isn't what the gospel teaches but ...it's perfect and people are not.
I don't wonder why Lauren hates the church. I can't blame her for feeling like she will never be able to be good enough there. But I watch her flounder without a solid foundation and know that without it she will continue to flounder. She needs the gospel in her life. She needs the support and love of members. She needs the unconditional love that is promised. But reality and ideal are so different how does she reconcile that..... and can I blame her for that? Will god blame her for that? I don't know. I just know that we as a membership need to try harder to live like Christ. I personally could do a better job of accepting others despite their faults, at looking for who they are instead of what they do.
Samantha
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