I watched a show yesterday that was supposed to be about someone with BPD. I don't think that the person had that..... though.... they had some signs. But that wasn't the point of this post. Rather it was the few things that this person said and did that caught my attention.
This young lady was put in a mental institution. She hated it. She wanted out. But she loved it at the same time. Although she was 'locked up" she had so many freedoms that she felt secure. No she couldn't just leave, but she didn't have to worry about jobs, social life, money, responsibilities. She knew that she had friends regardless because that was all there was for each of them. She was presented with the opportunity to escape but refused to take it because the "Real world" was to scary. I know for a while when Lauren was in treatment this occurred. That is why she does so well in treatment but not so well in the real world. All responsibility, all uncertainty, most all worries taken away. It wasn't until this girl in the show decided her freedom to choose was more important than security that she was able to move forward. Of course in the show she wasn't let out until she could prove she was ready to move forward. That isn't an option for Lauren. But I do think... she struggles with the "real world" for just such reasons.
This girl also said when asked about a fellow suicide that she should have been a decent human and been there for the other. She said "I wish I had told her that I know what it feels likes to want to die, and I know what it feels like to want to hurt yourself physically so badly to keep the thing inside from feeling." I can't imagine how that would feel. I can't imagine hurting myself physically. I can say I do know what it feels like to want to die. But that has only been at times when I have been so depressed, and has never been a constant struggle. I'm not sure I could win that struggle.
The other thing I gained from the show was something the psychiatrist said to her. She said she had a decision to make, and it was a big one. A hard one. And so she felt the girl was ambivalent. Then went on to explain that ambivalence isn't that you don't care, it's that you care too much, so you don't know what to choose. She said the young girl had to choose... to be crazy or choose to be sane. She had to choose to live a full life with all of it's ups and downs and working through things, or she could choose to stay where she was and be safe, but never really happy. And not safe as in no harm, but safe as in not having to deal with reality and it's issues. That it was a tough decision that only she could make.
Any sane person would say choose life. However many a sane person doesn't choose life. I know there have been plenty of times when I follow routine. Not because it is best, but because it is familiar, I know what to expect. Especially pulling oneself out of depression. You know you'll be happier ultimately, but it is such a struggle, and you know what to expect and not to expect and sometimes it's just easier to stay stuck. I didn't say better. Just easier. I think Lauren struggles with this as well. It is hard for me, and she has so many more problems going on than I do. I can't imagine being in her mind..... and yet....... In a way.....I can see how she would prefer to stay there.
Anyway... It was just a few things that stood out to me.
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