On Friday Lauren decided to leave our home. She was so excited the night before to go snowboarding with her dad and Seth. But she woke up and said she didn't feel good and then after they left she told me she was moving out. One obvious reason is she reconnected with her old boyfriend and his mother had kicked him out and he was living in this dedicated homeless shelter in a neighboring city. She had talked about it the day before. I wondered then if she wouldn't do the same. Anyway.....
I told her I thought she would be better here, but she argued that her brother's hated her, that we expected her to be someone she is not and constantly tried to change her. Then she said that she would never be good enough for us and that she always felt like a terrible person in our home. I tried to tell her we didn't feel that way... but she refused. Even down to the point that if I didn't take her to this shelter she would go and blatantly break one of the rules so I would kick her out and she would go anyway. I told her if that is what she really wanted I would take her. So she packed up some of her belongings and I took her and dropped her off.
As I left I was crying. Not because she had hurt my feelings after I tried to make it a nice homecoming. Not because she was rejecting everything we have to offer again. Though I am sure those played into it. No, the main reason is I felt so bad is that she was so torn up inside by her feelings of worthlessness and shame that when she was with us all she could feel was that because there were no drugs, alcohol, etc, to numb the inner turmoil. In her mind we were good and she was bad.... and living with us only reinforced that even if that is exactly opposite of what we have tried to show her. I feel badly that she is choosing to continue down a path that she knows doesn't make her happy. That she is so totally scared of who she might disappoint, including herself, that she won't even try to change it. It also reinforced to me her lack of self. Without her boyfriend she was nothing. So no matter what he did or didn't do... she had to be with him in order to be somebody. Her sense of self comes from him, and without him she has none. Unless he chooses to get out of her life.... they will always be together, because she needs him to exist.
When I got home I looked up some more info on BPD and came across this video. It was extremely well done and explains so well the thought processes, the symptoms, the inability to controls one emotions and thus actions. I shared it with my family and asked that they watch it. It is long. If you have an interest in knowing more about her condition this will definitely help.
It may sound strange but I find comfort in knowing that this is a real disorder. That these are not just bad decisions. That when she meets Christ she will be made whole and not have these issues, and that the majority of the things she has done in her life she will not be held accountable for because she could not control them. I also find comfort in knowing that most people can live and live well with bpd, but of course they need therapy.... and right now she refuses to get that.
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