I wanted to share a text conversation I had with Lauren this past week. I wish I could say that this is an unusual conversation but it really isn't. It's pretty typical. Notice how she goes from fine to angry in a few moments and not just a little angry, and then there is a radical shift in things to anger again, to another shift. Notice also that she is the victim. Even if she does the same things others do, her reasons are valid while theirs is not. Sometimes it is exhausting to try to stay calm and not take offense. Other times I look at the conversation and think she does a great job of dealing with all she has to deal with. This gives you a sense of how all over the place her emotions are and how they control her thoughts and actions. This message talks about two brothers in particular. Seth is her younger brother and has had a very hard time trying to understand Lauren. He misses the old Lauren whom he was very close to. He has a hard time understanding that this disorder tends to control her instead of the other way around. He sees that it is stressful for not only him, but for his parents and his younger brother. As such he sometimes spouts his opinions (he is a teen) when he shouldn't. Later he always feels bad, but.... such is life. Ben and Lauren are a different issue all together. For some reason Lauren has always competed with Ben for attention. I never understood it, and still don't. Ben struggled in school with learning disabilities while Lauren excelled. Ben struggled to make friends while Lauren always had friends. At least when they were young and it all started. Maybe because he required extra time for homework etc she felt neglected... or maybe even then her disorder was manifesting and if I spent time with him she saw it as me not wanting to spend time with her. Anyway.... they have always had a rocky relationship. When things with Lauren started getting bad she accused Ben of some terrible things. Although there was some truth in what she said.. the majority of it was false. She told these things to a therapist and that started a firestorm in our family. Ben had to move out into a group home while a teen. He has been shattered over and over again by the results of her accusations. In spite of all this...out of all her siblings.... he is the most understanding of her condition and problems. Perhaps because of his own problems. But to this day... Lauren still carries a grudge for him. He did finally get to come back after a year and a half, but boy did we miss him, and he carries those scars to this day.
Lauren
Hey
Samantha
Hey. How is the place?
Lauren
Good, I'm going to apply for jobs Monday
Samantha
Good. What are you doing today? Do they provide medicine and therapy?
Lauren
Hiding inside cuz it's freezing outside, yes
Samantha
Hiding where?
Lauren
In the TV room lol
Samantha
I didn't think they were open. (they are usually closed during the morning and afternoon)
Lauren
They are because it's Saturday
Samantha
Oh. What about your evaluation on Tuesday? Will they take you to it or do they do it?
Lauren
Yeah, today and tomorrow they have extended hours. I need to ask for bus passes, can you pick me up in Fairmont?
Samantha
To go where?
Lauren
My appointment
Samantha
On Tuesday?
Lauren
Yeah, Unless you changed it
Samantha
No, I didn't. I thought you just said they do it. I can pick you up.
Lauren
OK then pick me up
Samantha
What about your psychologist?
Lauren
Same, have to get bus passes
Samantha
Where do you want me to meet you in Fairmont. By the 7-11
Lauren
Sure
Samantha
So they don't have medicine and therapy?
Lauren
They do, you can cancel the appointment with the psychologist. The other they can't do.
Samantha
K. You cancel it.
Lauren
I need the number and my phone bill paid to do so. So I really cant
Samantha
What time on Tuesday?
Lauren
It's on the calendar
Samantha
I know the appointment. What time to pick you up?
Lauren
It's at 11, are you coming here? Or do I need to see if I can get bus passes?
Samantha
I'll meet you in Fairmont.
Lauren
OK, I will let you know
Samantha
K
Lauren
Then, cuz I have no idea if I can even find money for passes
Samantha
I thought they provided them?
Lauren
For certain types of things, this isn't one
Samantha
Well come home with dad on Monday and spend the night. I'll take you back Tuesday.
Lauren
No. I can't. If I leave over night I lose my bed
Samantha
Not if you talk to them. It even says so.
Lauren
I honestly don't want to. I don't have any desire to be in the same house so that Seth can verbally abuse me face to face
Samantha
I honestly don't want to drive to Morristown to drive to Stone to drive back to Morristown to drive back to Greenville.
Lauren
He's done nothing but harass and belittle me for days.
Samantha
And Seth won't.
Lauren
Bullshit. He already is
Samantha
Im not going to argue that point. He won't that night.
Lauren
I won't do it
Samantha
K.
Lauren
I'd rather walk than be treated like shit by my supposed brother
Samantha
We'll I guess you need to get bus passes.
Lauren
I can try
Samantha
K
Lauren
Samantha
Sorry you feel that way. Seth has been trying. He is hurt too. Hurt people hurt people.
Lauren
He's been trying to tear me down until I commit. Yeah, he's trying, trying to ruin my only chance to get moving in life
Samantha
Commit what? He is a teenager and views life through his lens. He loves and misses his sister. The one that was willing to try to get better. He feels you've given up. It hurts him so he hurts you. You do the same thing.
Lauren
Anyways, as soon as my Internet is working right I'm just going to block him on everything. Commit suicide, like he told me to. He is not my brother. He means nothing to me at this point.
Samantha
Do what you think you must. But.... I know he loves you. We all do. We'd love to help, but You don't want the help we have to offer.
Lauren
I know YOU would, but I am not going to let him bring me down anymore
Samantha
That's fine.
Lauren
He is just like Sadie (her cousin that she was like sister with till about 4 years ago).
Samantha
Just don't expect me to agree.
Lauren
Two faced, full of shit, self absorbed, and hoping I'll die.
Samantha
Neither hope you die. But I'm sure you see it that way. We all say things when we're hurt. Including you.
Lauren
Bullshit
Samantha
Hurt runs two ways.
Lauren
Yeah, but I don't intentionally make people turn against him. His entire school thinks I'm a meth head with a sex addiction and no sanity. Thanks to who? Him!
Samantha
You did it to Ben. Is that any different. Most of your school thought he was a criminal because of what you said.
Lauren
Yeah, cuz I stopped. Not cuz of mr. Me. I never said that to people at school. And when I did, it was in confidence, and I made sure they knew that I forgave him
Samantha
Im sure he'll stop too. Not people at school, just people at church who went to your school.
Lauren
That's his own damn fault (she blames her Ben for most of her problems to this day thought he had little to do with them)
Samantha
I'm sensing a huge double standard here. It's okay if I do it. My reasons are valid. Their's are not.
I am sure their reasons are as valid as yours in their mind. Just as yours are in yours.
Lauren
Anyway I was wondering if you are still going to help me get my car fixed
Samantha
Don't know. To tell you the truth dad was thinking about talking to you about getting it back as payment for all of your debts.
Lauren
Wow. I told you that I am working on getting a job and paying you back, and your going to take my car? Good luck, I won't sign the title back to you. If you won't help me fix it, I will just find a way to bring it up here. Load my stuff in it, and it can chill in the parking lot here.
Samantha
I didn't say we were. Just a thought. Boy you want to think the worst of us.
Lauren
No, but I know dad
Samantha
Yes he is so mean he has given you thousands in the past year. Yes, that included the car.
Lauren
I didn't say mean, I said I know him. As in he's more concerned with getting money than me getting on my feet and paying him back in time.
Samantha
Which is absolute garbage.
Lauren
That's what it seems like, especially if you try to take my car. I'm trying. I'm not here to waste time, I'm here because I can find a job and meds and get moving without depending on you. Because I am more than aware how much I owe you.
Samantha
He figured it's going to cost a lot to fix. The tie rod is broken and the axle may be bent. Plus 2 of the tires rims are bent your talking almost 1000 to fix it. He figured this would be an easy way for you to get out of debt with us. Especially since the fixing costs are so much. He wasn't trying to stiff you or hurt you.
Lauren
Or you can either just give it back to me, or help me fix it. I'm not giving you my car. It's one of the only things I have left
Samantha
We never said we would take it, he said he was thinking about talking to you about it.
Lauren
Well, the answer is no
Samantha
Your the one that jumped to conclusions.
Lauren
Under any circumstance, ever.
Samantha
Lauren I don't want to talk if all you want to do is tell us how mean, unsupportive, and abusive we all are. We have only ever tried to help you. I'm sorry you feel like we are all against you and want you to fail. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Lauren
Not what I said either, what I am saying is that, YOU. CANT. HAVE. MY. CAR. Clear enough?
Samantha
Goodbye
Lauren
I'm sorry, but considering the messages Seth has been sending me, I feel my reaction was perfectly within reason
Samantha
Seth was hurt that you left after he spent the week trying to be supportive of you. He was also concerned that I spent most of yesterday crying because in spite of how I try, it's never good enough for you. He told me at 10 that he shouldn't have gotten upset and he was sorry, but you wouldn't take an apology. And the whole family is not Seth.
Lauren
He has never supported me. Ever. He is abusive is the most literal sense. You NEVER tell someone to kill themselves, No matter how upset you may ever become. Especially when that person is your emotionally shattered biological sister, who has a very extensive suicidal and self hating past. I love you my family, really, but I will never ever ever ever again consider him family
Samantha
That's up to you. But carrying around grudges only hurts you. And of course your parents. But do what you must. Maybe you should try to look at things he said dialectically.
Lauren
Or maybe he should learn to respect human life and stop being so damn self absorbed that he thinks it's OK to tell people to commit
Samantha
He showed me his texts, and it doesn't say anywhere you should kill yourself.
Lauren
I may have sunk to the level of drugs and other despicable behaviors, but I have never sunk to that level. Then he left some out. Probably the snapchats he said it, which he can't show after he's sent, and I could only show you if I took his words seriously enough to screenshot them. But I saw no point in saving pure hatred from someone who does nothing but spread pure lies and hate about me.Yeah, I fucked up, but I stopped trying to ruin Ben's life after I finally realized what it was doing to him. Seth is aware, but to selfish to care.
Samantha
Im not going to argue who is right. Both of you have your own reasons for why you do what you do. I'm not taking sides. I will try to broker peace and even forgiveness, but I won't take sides.
Lauren
I'm not asking you to take sides, I am asking you to respect the fact that I want nothing to do with him.
Samantha
I already told you that was a decision you would have to make.
Lauren
K
Samantha
I am going to bed. I am tired. I love you.
Lauren
I love you too
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