Remembering is Hard

We have to continually remind ourselves that most of what she does that drives us crazy isn't by choice, exactly.

The really difficult thing about BPD is that BPD sufferers are rational. They think just as clearly and just as well as anyone. And Lauren is a really bright girl. The difference from everyone else is that they have these unbelievably extreme negative emotions. So when she's mad at you, she really hates you, deeply, bitterly, implacably. Add to that a lot of persistent misperceptions about the world (which also come from the emotion disorder) and about her place in it, and what you get is a situation where that intelligence is exercised in deliberately destructive ways.

So she does choose to do the things she does. But she makes those choices in the grip of overpowering emotions that make the choices seem reasonable to her, even though to the rest of us they may be foolish, unbelievably selfish or viciously spiteful.

Another less obvious effect that I've begun to realize is that when she's in the grip of powerful emotions, she assumes everyone else is, too, and filters her perception of their reactions accordingly. It makes sense, actually, if you have a bitter hatred of a person, you're going to interpret everything they do in a very negative light. If they're kind, they're faking, or setting you up. If they're cruel, their true colors are showing.

This all makes borderlines harder to deal with than someone who is outright delusional. In one way it's worse than bipolar disorder too, because while bipolars have radical mood swings, they're basically random. BPD mood swings are intimately connected to what's going on around them (though not always in obvious ways), and that connection makes the behavior seem more... deliberate. Intentional. And it fools people into believing that if they can only do the "right" things, they can avoid the explosion, because the cause and effect are clear, if not what normal people would expect. But it never quite works; no matter what you give the borderline it's never quite enough and the screaming fits and the vicious attacks always come eventually. It gets very hard to continue being understanding.

To that you have to add basically zero sense of "self". A borderline finds it nearly impossible to maintain any sort of consistency, especially in the area of personal integrity or morality. There is no core self to hold onto such values, or at least not a very effective one, mainly because of yet another key characteristic: self-hatred. It's hard to maintain a firm hold on a sense of self when you're convinced that whatever you are is worthless and hateful. That self-opinion is constantly reinforced by all of the crazy things done in the grip of intense emotions, and by the inability to maintain personal integrity and morality. It's a vicious cycle.

The inconstancy, of course, helps drives people away, further feeding the self-hatred and triggering more bouts of crazy emotions and additional series of bad decisions. Another vicious cycle. Or another aspect of the same one.

Anyway, we know all of this. We sometimes forget it. Heck, we often forget it. But we do know it, too well to let us just throw her out the door.

Constantly in Crisis

Scoop on Lauren

My sister called me today, concerned about posts Lauren had made on Facebook, and unfriending most of the family, and wanted to know what was going on. I figured I'd just answer here.

So, there's lots going on. Not much of it good. There are a couple of things playing into it.

One, I think, is medication. The psychiatrist is changing her medications, and there's a fair amount of instability arising from that, I think. The goal is that the new meds should work better, but it takes time to get them tuned.

The other is that we've been trying to draw some clear lines on the rules, and it's turned into a real pitched battle. Her therapist says that we do need to set firm rules no matter how hard she fights, and that we should draw them wherever we feel is appropriate, because it really doesn't matter where we draw them, she'll fight, so we may as well set them where we want.

The current line that's really causing a lot of stress is over her "snakebite" piercing. If you don't know what that is, it's where the lower lip is pierced on both sides of the mouth. She pierced herself without permission, and against our objections. We haven't told her she can't keep it, but we have told her that she can't wear it at home, including at night. That's effectively the same thing as saying she can't keep it, because if she goes many hours every day without it, the holes will heal over.

More on the piercing in a moment. Another source of much stress on Saturday was Samantha's discovery of a pot pipe in Lauren's room. She says it wasn't hers, that she was holding it for a friend. We actually believe her, but it doesn't matter. We were very clear that we have zero tolerance for anything related to drugs, or anything illegal. The pipe, of course, is both, and she not only had it she brought it into our house.

We tried to talk to her about the pipe, but she got really angry and threw it at Samantha. Hard. It shattered (it was glass) on our headboard where Samantha's head had been. Luckily she ducked quickly. With things escalating out of control, we called the police. They tried to talk to her, but she was very uncooperative. She told them she wanted to get out of our house and away from us because she hates us and we just make her miserable. The officer threatened to call Child Protective Services and have her placed in foster care; Lauren said "Fine." It didn't happen, obviously.

The police finally more or less gave up trying to talk to her and cited her for possession of drug paraphernalia. She has court in January. It's a "petty crime" (the term Colorado uses instead of misdemeanor) with a maximum fine of $100 and no jail.

We had some more drama on Saturday that got a little violent. I made a mistake, I think, in asking her for her phone. Per our rules, the first step when she (or Ben, because he also has a phone) breaks one of the "important" rules is that they lose their phone. Usually I just use Verizon's web site and shut off service, but in this case I asked her for the phone itself. She refused to give it to me and stuffed it down her shirt so I couldn't get it. I compounded my first mistake by forcing the issue and marching her into the other room so Samantha could retrieve it. Lauren refused again and started fighting. I held her arms so Samantha could get the phone, so Lauren started kicking Samantha -- repeatedly and hard. I hit Lauren to make her stop kicking -- a fact that she's been screaming at me at every opportunity "You hit me!", and telling to everyone within earshot.

We did get the phone. Part of the reason I pushed the issue was that when she got so vehement about it I wondered what was on it that she was afraid for us to see. Turns out, nothing. She just got angry.

After the fight, we started talking about maybe putting her back in residential treatment for a while, because she's getting so out of control. I even wrote an e-mail to her therapist asking for a recommendation. Lauren blew up at this suggestion -- but she actually handled this much better, calling her therapist rather than doing something crazy. The therapist told Lauren that she would not recommend any residential facility, because she feels it's really bad for people with BPD.

That's more or less where it ended on Saturday night. After she calmed down she even took her lip rings out when she went to bed. In the morning I thanked her for that and told her that she would get her phone back after church, provided she went.

Church is another sore point. We''ve decided to more or less force it, even though we don't really believe in forcing it, for two reasons. The principled reason is that church is part of our family life. We can't require our children to believe, that's something every person has to work out for themselves. But we do require the kids to attend with the family. The second reason is more practical in nature: We really don't dare leave Lauren home alone, unsupervised, for three hours. So the rule is simple: Not attending church on Sunday means her phone is off until Wednesday. Not attending Young Women on Wednesday means her phone is off until Sunday.

Anyway, she sat through about half of Sacrament meeting before walking out. Then she went to about half of Sunday School, then left and walked home.

When we got home, she asked why her phone wasn't back on. I told her it was because she'd left. She got angry and went upstairs and put her lip rings in. I asked her to take them out, and said that since she already didn't have a phone, refusal would mean that we'd have to move to the next level -- no computer.

She got really angry again. She told us she hated us, hated our house, hated our rules and just wanted to get away and never see us again. She demanded to be put into treatment, to escape us. I said that I didn't see the value in it, that her therapist thinks it's a bad idea, and that I don't think it will help -- and it's expensive. She said again that she wasn't going to live with us any more, and asked us what we were going to do so she could leave, if not treatment.

We responded that we weren't going to do anything, that we didn't want her to leave. But we told her that we wouldn't stop her if she wanted to go. She packed a bag and headed out, but came back a couple of hours later because no one would allow her to stay with them. She probably would have stayed gone longer, but it's cold outside.

Later in the evening she again insisted on treatment and we again said no to residential, that we were paying for her therapist and her psychiatrist, and that the therapist said residential was a bad idea. At that point she got really mad and told us that if she was forced to live with us, she was going to simply refuse to do anything we asked of her, at all.

We had laid out in our rules that continual and absolute defiance was another "zero tolerance" area, and that if it gets bad enough the child cannot live in our home. But the police had made clear (in her presence, darn it) that we cannot kick her out without making some other arrangements for her. So she knew that was an empty threat -- well, it's not completely empty, but it's one we're not ready to take yet, and one that would require some planning.

That's where it ended Sunday night, with her figuring she had nothing to lose, that we'd already given her all of the consequences we could. And she's not too far wrong. Physical punishment, even if it would work, which I doubt, is too risky legally. And we have to let her go to school, have to feed her, have to clothe her, etc. But we decided that if she isn't going to obey any of our house rules, then she won't get anything from us above the bare, legally-required minimum -- anything in the way of physical goods, I mean. We're certainly more than willing to provide other support.

So, while she was at school this morning, we boxed up the contents of her room. We left her with a couple of changes of clothes and her furniture and bedding and that's about it. Nothing on the walls, no drapes, etc. The only shoes she has are the ones on her feet, and I think I'm going to take them since she doesn't need to go anywhere (see below).

We expected another firestorm when she got home, but that came sooner than expected. About 10 AM Samantha called me to say that the school had called. Lauren had written another suicide note which some other girls had found. They were freaked out, obviously, and reported it to the school.

Long story short, the school decided she probably wasn't really suicidal, but asked Samantha to take her to her therapist for evaluation. They also said she can't come back to school until the new year (school's out until then after this week anyway), and that perhaps she shouldn't come back at all, because she is so disruptive to the other students.

Knowing what was coming, I hurried home from work. I got there just in time to see her stomp out the door. That was a big problem because the school had released her to us rather than sending her to the hospital on the condition that she would be closely supervised and taken in for an evaluation. But luckily she just went over to a neighbor's house. We called the neighbor, who agreed to keep an eye on her until it was time for her 2 PM appointment with her psychiatrist.

At about 1:15, Samantha went over to get her. Lauren refused, and said she refused to go to any appointments or anywhere else with us until she got her stuff back. We pointed out that the psychiatrist was going to charge us whether we went or not, and that if we didn't show the insurance wouldn't cover it. She obviously didn't care about that, not even when I told her she'd have to pay for it. Future consequences like that don't mean much to her.

So, I ended up having to manhandle her home and we had to physically put her in the car. It was really hard, she was fighting like crazy and screaming bloody murder. Nice show for the neighbors. Actually, I don't know if we'd have managed to get her in the car at all, even with both Samantha and I trying. Not without hurting her, anyway. I finally grabbed hold of one of the studs poking out of her lower lip, threatening to use it to move her. Apparently that was tender enough that she agreed to get into the car. So we child-locked the doors and drove to the doctor.

She screamed profanities at us for about half the 30-minute ride, and sat in sullen silence the rest, after promising that she wouldn't say a word to the doctor. When we got there she went in, and did actually end up talking to the doctor. The doctor adjusted her medications, but she wasn't the one to do the evaluation; Lauren had a 5:30 PM appointment with her therapist for that.

When we got back home, Lauren decided to take off again. Again, this was a big problem for us, but it looked like it would be okay since she headed over to the same neighbor. This time the neighbor wasn't home, so I saw her heading off down the street and hopped in the car to see where she was headed. She was going to a boy's house -- incidentally, the boy we're pretty sure she got the pipe from.

I told her she wasn't going to his house, that we were responsible to watch her until she got to her therapist appointment and that although we trusted the neighbor we didn't trust the boy or his family. She told me I couldn't stop her (with a lot of profanity mixed in). I said that she was either going home or I'd call the police to take her home. After some more choice words, she walked home. I followed.

When she got home, she called the boy and asked him to come over. I pointed out that she was grounded because of her ongoing defiance and that he couldn't come over. Again she insisted I couldn't stop him, again I pointed out that I could call the police if he trespassed. She got really angry then and started pushing and hitting me, and trying to force her way past me to get out.

I blocked her escape, so she tried to jump out her bedroom window. Her bedroom is on the second story, and her window overlooks the concrete patio, so that would be a bad fall. I got behind her, wrapped my arms around her, pulled her back in the house and held her. She managed to topple both of us over, so I just laid across her, preventing her from getting up, and I shouted for Samantha to call the police. She was completely out of control at that point.

I just stayed there, holding her down, until shortly before the police came. I'm pretty sore because she was pummeling me most of the time. Luckily, she's not that strong so mostly I just let her beat on me. The only exception was when she grabbed the cord of the nearby vacuum cleaner and started whipping me with it. She got in several good strokes before I grabbed the cord from her, and then I had Ben move the vacuum cleaner out of her reach. I have some pretty good stripes on my back.

Finally she promised not to try to run or jump if I'd get off her, so I did. Within just a minute or two after that the police arrived. The officer spent a good long while talking to her, and did manage to get her to calm down. Then he talked to Samantha and I, and then he talked to Lauren until it was time to leave for her appointment.

The ride in to Boulder was amazingly positive, especially given everything that had just happened. She was happy and singing. Samantha went with her to her appointment while I took the boys over to the Google office, where we raided the drink coolers and played Rock Band and pool and messed around on the climbing wall.

She came out of her appointment without her lip rings, and we went to the mall for FHE. It was good until she went to Hot Topic and found some "piercing retainers", little semi-clear plastic pins you can use to hold your holes open, and asked me to buy them for her. I refused, and then of course she was furious -- but quietly so -- all the way home. Oh, sometime while we were at the mall, she put her lip rings back in.

So, that's where we are now. She's in bed, in an empty room, without a phone, and is wearing her lip rings. So the fight's not over yet; she's still trying to see if she can outlast us. We think it's important that she not be able to. It's not so much about the lip rings (though we really dislike them) as it is about the idea that there are real boundaries, and this is a better place to draw that line and have that fight than the next set of boundaries. It's pretty clear that the next fight, if we give on body modification, will be drugs. Just marijuana, at first, but we want to stay away from that fight, if at all possible (and it's probably not).

We're not sure what's going to happen on Friday, when we're supposed to drive home to Utah. If she doesn't tone down the defiance at least a little, we're going to have another problem because she won't be welcome in the Smith's home. It's already the case that we're not allowed to leave her there; if she's there we have to be also, because Martin and Nadine don't think they can handle her. They have a point.

I'm thinking that we may actually want to stay at Mom & Dad's, mostly because she doesn't know people in Layton and would have less reason to try to take off. We couldn't all fit, though, so it'd probably end up being me staying there with her, while everyone else stayed at Smith's.

It's going to be a wild ride the rest of the week. I may be working from home every day because I'm not sure I dare leave Samantha alone with her. She's as big as Samantha is.

Ian

Waiting and Hoping

This past week my family and I were able to head home to Utah to visit with family.  It was so wonderful for me.  I really needed the support and uplift.  We got to spend a whole week with both my husband's and my side of the family.  It was great.

My daughter had a different experience with it all.  She broke up with her boyfriend right before we left.  (Can I say Yahoo).  So she was a bit down.  Once we got there things went okay for a little bit.

My Husband and I had had an appointment with her therapist and psychologist the day we left.  Her therapist told us it was time to start applying tough love as Lauren has been really pushing boundaries lately.  She said we needed to make it perfectly clear that there are some thing we just refuse to allow in our homes.  And that includes things done outside our homes, that still effect us.  Things such as breaking the la, total defiance etc. Lauren has been dabbling in drugs, and she has stolen from us.  I hope not others.  She also has taken the car without permission or a license.  Hers was suspended from a drug charge a year ago.   Her therapist said we need to make sure that she know the consequences.  That if you choose to participate in such things you are not allowed to be here.  I find that so hard to do, but she is right, because right now Lauren is walking all over us and threatening us with everything including suicide.  It is not good for us, and even more it is not good for her.   So my husband and I went home to decide how  we wanted to handle that and what we felt it should say and why.  We more of less came up with a family proclamation.  It states our beliefs, our responsibilities, what we want our home to be like, and what we expect.  It also talks about zero tolerance rules, and important rules, and also that there can be changes based on what in working or not working for us.  We planned on presenting to the kids, all of them, not just Lauren, while we were in Utah.

Later with the other therapist, we decided after a month of trials that Lauren's depression meds were not working for her.  So we took her down to 20 on the prozac and started her on zoloft.  I am hoping it really helps.

So After the first day Lauren refuses to go to church with us.  This is something that we have said is something we do as a family.  When you move out you can decide where to go.  We aren't saying you have to believe what we do, but we feel we have an obligation to teach you, and above that you have an obligation to respect our family traditions and attend our of that respect.   So we told her it wasn't an option and that she could attend or this was the consequence.  She eventually gave in and went.  It was like a Yeah we won.  But even more it was a hope that maybe this would work.  The rest of the day went fine.  The next day she and I had a great time.  We got our hair done, went to lunch, went shopping, and then on the way home she wanted to hang out with an old friend from there who was into drugs, and I told her no.  If he wanted to visit he could come to her grandparents and visit supervised there.  She threw a royal fit.  She jumped out of the car and refused to get back in and the proceeded to run away.  I followed till she went through a field, and then turned off her phone, and proceeded to try to find her.  I felt like leaving her, but didn't feel that was a good idea.  She finally contacted me, and I picked her up and hour later.  She was cold, and sorry.

The rest of the week was pretty unhappy for her.  She wrote so really sad blog posts about being at the bottom, and having driven all friends away, and lost everything that is important to her, about being ashamed of her actions and such.  I mean really sad, almost suicide like.  We kept a watch on her, and she was really pretty down.  I had hope that maybe she had reached the bottom and was willing to pull herself up know and start using and applying all of this knowledge she has in her head from therapy.  No such luck.  At least not on the trip home.

On Monday she had a trip visit with her therapist and they talked about a plan.  On Tuesday she stayed home from school with me and we devised a plan, and went through a lot of therapy together about what she wants, and what it will take to get there, and so forth.  I hope this really helps and is not just a temporary fix.  This has happened before and has only been a short time thing before it's back to normal.  I know it will take time, but I truly hope and pray that this new therapy will help her and the medications as well. I love her so much and I want her to be as healthy and happy as possible.    Yesterday she had another episode.  She took a razor to school and cut, and got caught.  OF course she denied it even to me, and even when the evidence, other than the razor was right in front of her.  They sent her home for the day.  She spent it trying to work out how she could make up with the three friends who reported her, and she said were liars, and also how to secretly get a lip piercing.    I don't want to give up, and think that the temporary fix is over.... but...

Anyway..... Keep us in your prayers because we really need, and she especially does.  The next steps are to kick her out, and I really don't want to do that.  REALLY REALLY!

Differing Opinions

So this past week has been a bear.  Lauren is headed for a real downfall so it seems.  Rebellious to a T.  Refusing to come home when curfew hits.  Refusing to talk to me.  Refusing to go to any religious events.  Leaves the house without telling me where she is going or who she will be with, and then refuses to come home or tell me where she is.  Refuses to help around the house, and is not doing homework, and not doing well in school.  She has started to wear make-up that is down right scary, and is cutting again, and getting phone calls from people I don't know.  Medicines for the boys, the few not locked up, have started to disappear.  Lauren swears it isn't her, but I don't know what to believe.  I want to believe her, but I just am not sure.  And everything is way fishy.  So I am on ultra sensitive mode to make sure she is okay, and she is pushing me further and further away and saying terrible things to me.

She refuses to go to therapy so I finally gave her an ultimatum.  She will go to therapy, either with her therapist, or in a residential facility, but she will have therapy.  The choice is hers.  She finally chose her therapist.  So she goes after this terrible week and talks to her therapist and on the way home I try to see how it went and what they talked about.  She says mainly the week, and I said and ......  She replies it was a good week, things have been really good!  My chin drops and I go, really!  Yes she just is feeling overwhelmed by me, and that is the reason for all of this.  What crap.  I wrote a letter to her therapist hoping she would see through this.   This week has not been good, and Lauren is not in a good place.

I am having a hard time with this new therapy.  I know it takes time, and I realize that point is to get Lauren to regulate her own emotions and upsets and deal with them in a positive way and to change that way over time, but the past weeks, whether they are survival mode or otherwise are killing me.  The whole house has been in Chaos.  The other kids want to know why she gets away with things that they don't.  Part of that is I don't have any type of consequence I can enforce that makes a difference to her. I can say no friends, and she sneaks out.  I can say no phone so she takes mine or her brothers.  I can say no electronics and she doesn't care.  No money, she steals it.  Other than putting her in jail, I don't really have any consequences that I can impose.  I suppose I could put her in jail, but that just seems like a bad solution.  They don't have the means to help her, and she would just sit there and accomplish nothing, except have a record, which she  already does.  Doesn't need more.   

My husband is so frustrated that he has more of less said that unless she is hurting herself or others physically or damaging mentally, (which is tricky) he isn't going to bother with it, because all it does is cause upset for him, and worry, and accomplishes nothing.  So essentially it leaves me to deal with her, and I can't just give up and let her do whatever.  She is still too young to make some of these stupid decisions.  Maybe he is right, that is essentially what her therapist thinks we should do.  Have the least restrictive environment that is safe.  Let natural consequences fall, and let her manage.  She thinks, and is probably right, that we have tried to "help" Lauren make good choices for so long, that she either refuses, or makes deliberate bad ones, because she thinks we are trying to control her.  If she could only see we are trying to help, but I guess sometimes help is a hindrance.

Anyway..... I need to set up and appointment with her therapist where her father and I can go in, and get some real life advice, because overall doesn't really seem to help, and I am really struggling to keep going.  And it isn't fair to my other kids, my husband, or even myself.  In fact I have been pretty frustrated and down because I feel like the only one who can truly help is God, and his timeline is so slow or he feels like this is good for us, and isn't helping or at least not in a way I can see, that I am getting pretty discouraged.    I read article after article on how you can get help for mental illness, and they all say that the Lord will help, and that blessings and modern medicine help, but for the past 4 years it hasn't really helped.  I still feel like our lives are in chaos, and that as a family we are falling apart.  I just need some help and need to have some support and see some progress!

Lost IT!

It's been awhile since I posted, mainly because sometimes it just gets to be so overwhelming and I just can't go into it all right then.

Lots has happened in the last little bit.  My daughter got a boyfriend and lost him in  3 days, that was an experience.  We had a meeting at school with the counselors, the school psychologist and Lauren's  therapist on how to best help Lauren.  Then Lauren decided she was gay and got a girlfriend behind our backs.  Her mother called and made them call it off, and now she is hurt again.  I should mention that we are Mormon, and that I don't really think Lauren is gay.  I think she is searching for acceptance and love, and having lost it in other area's of her life, she is down to a group that is gay and so she is taking their road.  This disappoints me, but doesn't surprise me.  The mother of the other girl is Mormon as well, and she was pretty angry.

So lets see, details.  After Lauren got out of the lockdown center, and they agreed it wasn't a suicide attempt, we headed back to our home state for a short visit.  It was quick and didn't turn out quite like Lauren had wanted.  Her therapist is great and met with her Sunday night when we returned.  That week went okay.  On Friday she told me she had a boyfriend.  She went to his house that night.  On Saturday his Mom brought him over and they spent time here.  His mom let me know that he had some Autistic issues, and I was frank and told her of Lauren's own issues.   I was worried because in the past Lauren has been so afraid of losing someone that she has let them use her, and she ends us losing them anyway, and then feeling just terrible.  I didn't want that to happen, and I also didn't want her to hurt this kid.  They went for a walk while I was talking to his mom.  I think they did stuff they weren't supposed to.  Lauren denies it, but she has in the past as well.  I don't know.  Later (like two days) she told me he had asked for sex, and she said no, so he had been kind of threatening.  However when they got back from the walk they seemed okay.  We took him home later that night.  On Sunday she refused to go to church which was a good indication that she was feeling guilty.  On Monday she broke up with him, however, rumors got started and it got very messy.  He was made out to be a bad person, and an abuser, and I don't think he is.  She was made out to be easy, and she isn't.  It created huge issues at school and at home for ever a week.

After that she was oaky.  She decided to go back to her early morning Seminary class which made me very happy, and we had a meeting at school.  Her therapist was there, and it helped to have her advocate for Lauren and tell them exactly what her needs are, how she reacts in general and to have a plan set up to help, instead of punish Lauren.  They are also planning on setting up a 504 or IEP for mental issues, as it truly effects her school work.    I feel it will really help Lauren.  She needs the understanding and support.  Although her actions and decisions cause a lot of problems, it is very important to see that her actions and decisions are primitive, ineffective ways in which she is trying to protect herself.  If you look at things that way, you can certainly be a bit more understanding about what she needs.  It is hard, and I admit freely, that sometimes it is really really hard, and that I lose it at times.

I've known for awhile that Lauren was hanging out with the gay/lesbian group at school.  I know a large part of this is she really doesn't have a sense of who she is.  That is one of the symptoms of BPD.  She very much takes on the persona and ideals of the people she is currently feeling are her true friends.  She has alienated a lot of the Mormon friends, or feels that they are only her friends because they have to be, and that they don't really care, so that isn't her core anymore.  She was with the druggies for a bit, but when their drug dealer got  arrested because of her drug deal, that too went south.  That left the nerds, which she doesn't fit, and the emo/punk's and gay/lesbians.  I have pretty much not made a big deal about it, because I don't truly believe she is lesbian.  She likes boys way too much.  She has been hurt by a lot of guys, but she still likes them.  Do I think she is dabbling with it, yes, but not much I can do there.  She knows how we feel, and what we believe, we can't force her.  I figured when she started hanging out with this knew girl that it might be a lesbian relationship, though I doubt anything physical has happened.  I figured the other girl would  call it off, or her mom would and it would run it's course.  It has.  She is hurt again.

Today is a day when I am having a hard time holding it all together.  And not just because of Lauren, though that certainly is part of it.  She again refused to go to church, but I think more because she was afraid the bishop might talk to her, than because she actually did anything other than hang out together.

This whole week has been difficult for me.  There have been so many other things that demanded my attention, Halloween coming up, the school carnival which I was involved in, and volunteering in my sons class.  I sometime feel like there is just too much in my life.  With a bunch of Lauren's decisions that go against our beliefs I wonder how responsible she will be for them.  I know she knows right from wrong, and that she feels the guilt of her actions, however so many of them are made impulsively without really thinking it through, and are motivated by this overwhelming emotional need that drives every other thought from her mind.   So given that this is a real disability, and that she really is as incapable of doing certain things as someone with down syndrome is, (though her actions are much worse at times), how much is she responsible for?  It has plagued me all week.

Then today a lesson was being taught in church that we had requested over 3 months ago almost.  One that addresses Lauren's issues and how the gospel would like us all to respond.  We wanted to have it so that the kids would be aware, of what PBD is, how to best respond to help Lauren, and also  how to interact with her so they would also not get hurt or freaked out.  I realize that if you are unaware of what BPD is, a lot of people just think Lauren in nuts, or a drama queen, or a really over the edge jerk.  She freaks people out, she wears people out.  But that is never the intent, and when they abandon her it makes things worse for her.  After much prayer my husband and I figured that it would be better for everyone to bring this to their attention and give specifics so they could all interact better and safely.  However this morning we were informed that the bishopric didn't want to talk about only one person and wanted it to be a more general lesson with no specifics and that they would teach it.  Generalities do not do any good with Lauren's issues and so although a good lesson in general, it would not accomplish what we had so hoped.  Every other venue we have searched to have this lesson with her peers has been blocked from us.  And we really want to have it especially with her peers from church, because they are the ones that would set the best example and have the life the values we feel will make Lauren the happiest and lead her back to her Father in Heaven.

While at church, my 3 boys had some issues as well, that just left me overwhelmed.  My oldest and youngest both refuse to fast, which is not all that hard.  The oldest acts so immature at times, and I wonder if he will ever be able to grow up and take responsibility for himself.  My youngest is following down the same row.  And I just think with everything else, I just can't do this.  We have taught them.  We have set the example, but it just seems lost on them.

Finally I listened to so many members of our church bear their testimonies of the truthfulness of the gospel.  Which I believe.  So many today said that if we just pray daily, read scriptures, have family home evening, teach and try to keep the commandments we will have the spirit in our homes and have the peace we really need.  I get so discouraged by that, because we are doing all that, regularly, and have done it since they were all small kids, and yet the peace doesn't come.  It is always in an uproar.  We are always running to put out one fire after another, and I am truly tired.  It has been one of those days where I have just lost it, and I am going to go to my room, and see if tomorrow is better.

I sure can use that peace!

Over reacting

One of the things that i hate the most about the symptoms of BPD is the  over reacting that seems normal that happens.    For example, people with BPD often talk about suicide and often have plans.  But normally if they are talking about it, they are not doing it.  They talk to get attention.  In a non BPD person you would call the police, take them to a hospital, evaluate them and be really worried.  However after having gone through this so many times, I know that talk is talk when it comes to my daughter.  I can tell when she is venting, getting back at someone, or wanting attention.  It isn't that the feelings aren't real, they are, but in this instance it isn't going to happen for two reasons.  One she has no access to weapons, or pills in my home, and secondly she is mad at someone.  There are other times when I take her seriously, but generally if she is thinking real suicidal thoughts, she doesn't talk about it, she just tries.

Recently she was talking about suicide to a friend.  One she was mad at.  They reported it to the school counselors like they should.    The counselor is concerned and calls me.  She is understanding.  We have talked about this before, however the vice principal who cares only about policy and keeping things easy at school, bawls  my daughter out for upsetting the kid (who was upsetting her)  and says she is not following her safety plan that allows her in the school, which is that she should talk to an adult and specifically us, or the four designated at the school.  She didn't talk to the kid at school, but I do know it gets around.  So..... He really upsets her, and she become belligerent.  He helped not at all.   Then she refused to stay at school or go home or anything she was so upset.  Instead of giving her a moment to calm down he has the police take her to the hospital on a medical hold.  That means they take her and evaluate her and can keep her for at least 72 hours.    We get to the hospital and the social worker who is not informed about bpd,  evaluates my daughter.   She doesn't call her therapist like I asked, she makes her own decision based on what she hears, Suicide thoughts, and a plan.  No she can't carry it out, but she is dangerous, so she has her sent to a inpatient facility.  She didn't even listen to me and how I told her this was a bad idea.

So because two people over reacted, and refused to learn about the condition or listen to me, who does know, my daughter is sent to a place.  There are two things that are bad about this as well.  The first is the therapy you get there doesn't do a thing for my daughter.  I know she has been to one of these places twice before.  The second thing is that they reinforce her behavior.  I need attention, boy I got it and lot of it.  I may not like where I am, but I got so much attention.  Her therapist wasn't to please and neither was her dad nor I.  Especially since we get to pay for it, regardless of wether we had a say in the decision (which we didn't) or not.

This effects my whole family.  I have to run clear up to the other part of the state to visit my daughter and the doctor there.  Her dad is out of state on a business trip.  I have three other kids to help with homework and feed and it is all at the same time.  If it was needed I would have her there in an instant.  BUT it isn't.  It is a waste of time and money.  And then I have to start over again and hope they don't reinforce it next time.  I realize that they were acting as they would with a regular individual, but my daughter is not the regular Joe.  I have explained that to them over and over, and yet they don't listen.  I realize they are protecting their butts, but they are also exacerbating a problem that needs to be fixed.

It's funny I am not mad at my daughter.  She acted as she normally would in such a situation.  I realize it isn't a good way to act, but I also realize that until she learns some different tools, I don't see it changing much.  I am upset at people who refuse to listen to me, when I know more than they do in this circumstance.  I also know my daughter better than any of them and for her they were over reacting.  Problem is - they have the law on their side and I don't.  I just have to reap the consequences.  Sometimes BPD really stinks that way.  Well most ways, but restricted parental rights is a real big issue for me, and it happens a lot with this.

Good Day

Yesterday was actually a really good day.  My daughter and I were able to communicate in a really good way, and she was very cooperative.  She is still our of school till Monday.  She did get a lot of her homework done, and she willingly did what was asked.  We talked about a few things in non threatening ways.  She is working towards a goal.  We had a little set back on the way home from town tonight.  A friend couldn't come with us on an outing tomorrow.  We gave permission, but because of what she has been saying about us, their parents won't let them come.    She was very down.  He dad was able to talk to her and get her to refocus and use some of her therapy tools.

In talking with her therapist, She thinks that all of this is good stuff.  She sees it as a good thing that she is so rebellions, it means she is learning new techniques and fighting them, which means she knows them.  She also says it is darkest before the dawn.  I hope she is right.

We have a family therapy meeting this morning.  I hope it goes well.  She seems in a good mood this morning.

My husband posted this picture of her from a couple years ago, about when she was 11.  It is so precious.  I couldn't help thinking that I wish she could find that person under all of the confusion and hurt she has in her. I know she is still there.  I love her so much.  And she is such a wonderful person when she is not taken over by her disorder.  I know we are gaining much knowledge and learning, and good things by learning how to deal with all of this, but I also know it hurts.    I heard a man talking the other day about how God is aware of us and our situations and is there for us, but oft times won't remove trials, as we come closer to him in learning how to deal with them.  I can agree with that, but that does't mean I like it.  I do hope he helps us through it, because it is so hard, for us and especially for her.

Samantha

The cops are our personal friends, or they will be.

This past week has been such a mess.  The cops came over Saturday because our daughter called to tell them her father was abusing her.  He restrained her.  They agreed and told her she had to do what we said till she was 18.  It's not like we ask a lot.  We expect her to get good grades, tell us where she is going, with whom, and when she will be home.  We ask her to be respectful and honest.  We ask her to participate in family outings.  We ask her to do her chores and help with the house.

Well she hasn't been doing very well.  She is failing 3 classes at school.  Steals money from me, doesn't obey curfew, doesn't let us know where she is going, or with whom, and doesn't come home on time.  She hasn't done a chore in weeks.  And she is far from respectful.  But because we enforce rules and refuse to give permissions we are the terrible parents.

Last night I found out that 150 had been stolen from my purse.  The emergency funds.  I also found out through texts that she had bought some marijuana.  She denied it and ran away.  We couldn't find her so the cops found her and brought her home.  They left her with us.  This morning we told her she couldn't go to school, until she went with us as we will have to talk with the counselors.  One of her friends reported her, and to not get caught  she ate the stuff.  So there was no trace other than a drug test which she refuses to take for us.  She did take the stuff and everyone knows it.  So she refused and went to run away again.  I caught her arm and refused to let her go.  She started slapping and hitting me, and finally I got her to sit on the driveway where she began to scream and wake up all the neighbors.  It was 6 AM.  One even came over to see if they could help.   I finally had one of her brothers call the cops. She calmed down a little and went in the house.  When they came they talked with her.  The asked it I wanted to press charges on the stolen money.  I said no.  Maybe I should have said yes, but I don't want to be the person who puts her in jail.  I really want her to get her head on straight and clean up so that this all stops happening.  She finally calmed down and went with her  father and I to the school.  We met with the assistant principal and told him what had  happened.  He suspended her for 2 days. I was surprised he didn't expel her.  She is mad at us now because it is our fault that she got suspended because we told the vice principal.  And it is our fault she will fail her classes, even though she has done no math for the past 3 days.  Then we came home.  She went straight to bed.  I told her it would be a good time to catch up on all of her math homework, but what do I know.

She has a therapy appointment tonight.  I hope it is good but since she doesn't use it, it seems a bit useless.  

She is breaking my heart.  She has so much potential.  She is so brainy.  Not common sense wise, but smarts.  She is cute, or could be without purple and orange hair.  She is fun to be around when she is up. I love her and want her to have a good life.  A successful future, but that doesn't look like it is going to happen any time soon.  And I a afraid she is going to ruin her life in the meantime.  I also don't want her to be a perpetual inpatient at mental facilities, but it is looking more and more like that is what will happen, because I can't control her, she is as big as I am, and she won't listen to me.  And she is defiant, and won't control herself.  So what other options do we have.  I just want to cry.  I don't know how much of this is her illness and how much of this is just her rebellion, but we can't keep going this way much longer.  She is going to have to work on somethings with us, or we won't have any choice.

Like the cops said.  The are trying to help her, but you can only help for so long.  Then consequences have to fall.  And she is close.  Maybe she needs to consequences, but they are so harsh and so lasting.  I truly truly love her and wish I knew how to help her.  All of the self help books aren't much help.  I can apply the concepts and programs.  And I know I am... And really trying, and although that tells me I am... It doesn't solve the problem and I still ache for her.

A typical day

Yesterday was a very nice day.  My family listened to General Conference.  We are Mormons.  The talks were wonderful and uplifting.  I just wished my daughter would have listened.  She decided that she had to go to a friends house.  She was there pretty much the whole day.  It was sad to say the day was really nice and everyone was so cheery, and a lot of that was because she wasn't there to cause problems.  She came home about 3 hours late.  Of course I called, but no one answered.  Yes this is typical.  So I didn't worry.  She apologized for being late, but of course it wasn't her fault.    The moment she came in the house, she started in on things the kids do wrong, complaining about things being changed around, about not having enough time, and about not having a phone, and she deserves one, because she is really trying to improve and follow rules right now.  That was her comment, not mine.

On the other hand she did clean her room, and vacuum the stairs without complaint.  And she brought a treat back with her for the kids.  So there was good as well.  I hope she does well at school today.

Intro

We are a fairly normal family, or at least I like to think so.  That may be a bit delusional at times.  My daughter suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you don't know what that is, I suggest you google it and read some of the articles about it.  Some are more informative than others.

As you might guess, we are constantly on a roller coaster ride in this family.  I have found that I need a place to put down my thoughts without being afraid of hurting someone.  Thus I started this blog.  Obviously I am not Samantha, but being somewhat anonymous means that I can get relief without hurting those around me.  Other than names and location, I promise everything in here is and will be true and accurate.

What I find amazing, is that I can love this child who brings such chaos into our lives.  Who creates so much drama, and stress, and not just for us as parents, but also for our other children.  And yet underneath all of the bad decisions, and lies, and upheaval - I see a lost little girl, who can't find who she is, and seems to have no control over her actions.  I also feel the stress of the situations, and wondering if how I deal with it this time, is going to cause another blowup.  In spite of it all I love her.  There are times I wish this would all go away (MANY MANY TIMES!!!!)  but I do love her.

Anyway...... if you read this, great.  I hope it may help.  If not great - I need it mostly for me.

Samantha