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Typical conversations

I wanted to share a text conversation I had with Lauren this past week.  I wish I could say that this is an unusual conversation but it really isn't.  It's pretty typical.  Notice how she goes from fine to angry in a few moments and not just a little angry, and then there is a radical shift in things to anger again, to another shift.  Notice also that she is the victim.  Even if she does the same things others do, her reasons are valid while theirs is not. Sometimes it is exhausting to try to stay calm and not take offense.  Other times I look at the conversation and think she does a great job of dealing with all she has to deal with.  This gives you a sense of how all over the place her emotions are and how they control her thoughts and actions.  This message talks about two brothers in particular.  Seth is her younger brother and  has had a very hard time trying to understand Lauren.  He misses the old Lauren whom he was very close to.  He has a hard time understanding that this disorder tends to control her instead of the other way around.  He sees that it is stressful for not only him, but for his parents and his younger brother.  As such he sometimes spouts his opinions (he is a teen) when he shouldn't.  Later he always feels bad, but.... such is life.  Ben and Lauren are a different issue all together.  For some reason Lauren has always competed with Ben for attention.  I never understood it, and still don't.  Ben struggled in school with learning disabilities while Lauren excelled.  Ben struggled to make friends while Lauren  always had friends.    At least when they were young and it all started.  Maybe because he required extra time for homework etc she felt neglected... or maybe even then her disorder was manifesting and if I spent time with him she saw it as me not wanting to spend time with her.  Anyway.... they have always had a rocky relationship.  When things with Lauren started getting bad  she accused Ben of some terrible things.  Although there was some truth in what she said.. the majority of it was false.  She told these things to a therapist and that started a firestorm in our family.  Ben had to move out into a group home while a teen.  He has been shattered over and over again by the results of her accusations.  In spite of all this...out of all her siblings.... he is the most understanding of her condition and problems.  Perhaps because of his own problems.  But to this day... Lauren still carries a grudge for him.  He did finally get to come back after a year and a half, but boy did we miss him, and he carries those scars to this day.  

Lauren

Hey

Samantha

Hey.  How is the place?

Lauren

Good, I'm going to apply for jobs Monday

Samantha

Good. What are you doing today? Do they provide medicine and therapy?

Lauren

Hiding inside cuz it's freezing outside, yes

Samantha

Hiding where?

Lauren

In the TV room lol

Samantha

I didn't think they were open. (they are usually closed during the morning and afternoon)

Lauren

They are because it's Saturday

Samantha

Oh. What about your evaluation on Tuesday? Will they take you to it or do they do it?

Lauren

Yeah, today and tomorrow they have extended hours. I need to ask for bus passes, can you pick me up in Fairmont?

Samantha

To go where?

Lauren

My appointment

Samantha

On Tuesday?

Lauren

Yeah, Unless you changed it

Samantha

No, I didn't. I thought you just said they do it. I can pick you up.

Lauren

OK then pick me up

Samantha

What about your psychologist?

Lauren

Same, have to get bus passes

Samantha

Where do you want me to meet you in Fairmont. By the 7-11

Lauren

Sure

Samantha

So they don't have medicine and therapy?

Lauren

They do, you can cancel the appointment with the psychologist. The other they can't do.

Samantha

K.  You cancel it.

Lauren

I need the number and my phone bill paid to do so. So I really cant

Samantha

What time on Tuesday?

Lauren

It's on the calendar

Samantha

I know the appointment. What time to pick you up?

Lauren

It's at 11, are you coming here? Or do I need to see if I can get bus passes?

Samantha

I'll meet you in Fairmont.

Lauren

OK, I will let you know

Samantha

K

Lauren

Then, cuz I have no idea if I can even find money for passes

Samantha

I thought they provided them?

Lauren

For certain types of things, this isn't one

Samantha

Well come home with dad on Monday and spend the night. I'll take you back Tuesday.

Lauren

No.  I can't.  If I leave over night I lose my bed

Samantha

Not if you talk to them. It even says so.

Lauren

I honestly don't want to. I don't have any desire to be in the same house so that Seth can verbally abuse me face to face

Samantha

I honestly don't want to drive to Morristown to drive to Stone to drive back to Morristown to drive back to Greenville.

Lauren

He's done nothing but harass and belittle me for days.

Samantha

And Seth won't.

Lauren

Bullshit. He already is

Samantha

Im not going to argue that point. He won't that night.

Lauren

I won't do it

Samantha

K.

Lauren

I'd rather walk than be treated like shit by my supposed brother

Samantha

We'll I guess you need to get bus passes.

Lauren

I can try

Samantha

K

Lauren

Samantha

Sorry you feel that way. Seth has been trying. He is hurt too. Hurt people hurt people.

Lauren

He's been trying to tear me down until I commit.  Yeah, he's trying, trying to ruin my only chance to get moving in life

Samantha

Commit what? He is a teenager and views life through his lens. He loves and misses his sister. The one that was willing to try to get better. He feels you've given up. It hurts him so he hurts you. You do the same thing.

Lauren

Anyways, as soon as my Internet is working right I'm just going to block him on everything. Commit suicide, like he told me to. He is not my brother.  He means nothing to me at this point.

Samantha

Do what you think you must. But.... I know he loves you. We all do. We'd love to help, but You don't want the help we have to offer.

Lauren

I know YOU would, but I am not going to let him bring me down anymore

Samantha

That's fine.

Lauren

He is just like Sadie (her cousin that she was like sister with till about 4 years ago).

Samantha

Just don't expect me to agree.

Lauren

Two faced, full of shit, self absorbed, and hoping I'll die.

Samantha

Neither hope you die. But I'm sure you see it that way. We all say things when we're hurt. Including you.

Lauren

Bullshit

Samantha

Hurt runs two ways.

Lauren

Yeah, but I don't intentionally make people turn against him.  His entire school thinks I'm a meth head with a sex addiction and no sanity.  Thanks to who?  Him!

Samantha

You did it to Ben. Is that any different.  Most of your school thought he was a criminal because of what you said.

Lauren

Yeah, cuz I stopped.  Not cuz of mr.  Me.  I never said that to people at school. And when I did, it was in confidence, and I made sure they knew that I forgave him

Samantha

Im sure he'll stop too. Not people at school, just people at church who went to your school.

Lauren

That's his own damn fault  (she blames her Ben for most of her problems to this day thought he had little to do with them)

Samantha

I'm sensing a huge double standard here. It's okay if I do it. My reasons are valid. Their's are not.

I am sure their reasons are as valid as yours in their mind.  Just as yours are in yours.

Lauren

Anyway I was wondering if you are still going to help me get my car fixed

Samantha

Don't know.  To tell you the truth dad was thinking about talking to you about  getting it back as payment for all of your debts.

Lauren

Wow. I told you that I am working on getting a job and paying you back, and your going to take my car? Good luck, I won't sign the title back to you.  If you won't help me fix it, I will just find a way to bring it up here. Load my stuff in it, and it can chill in the parking lot here.

Samantha

I didn't say we were. Just a thought. Boy you want to think the worst of us.

Lauren

No, but I know dad

Samantha

Yes he is so mean he has given you thousands in the past year. Yes, that included the car.

Lauren

I didn't say mean, I said I know him. As in he's more concerned with getting money than me getting on my feet and paying him back in time.

Samantha

Which is absolute garbage.

Lauren

That's what it seems like, especially if you try to take my car.  I'm trying. I'm not here to waste time, I'm here because I can find a job and meds and get moving without depending on you.  Because I am more than aware how much I owe you.

Samantha

He figured it's going to cost a lot to fix. The tie rod is broken and the axle may be  bent. Plus 2 of the tires rims are bent your talking almost 1000 to fix it. He figured this would be an easy way for you to get out of debt with us.  Especially since the fixing costs are so much. He wasn't trying to stiff you or hurt you.

Lauren

Or you can either just give it back to me, or help me fix it. I'm not giving you my car.  It's one of the only things I have left

Samantha

We never said we would take it, he said he was thinking about talking to you about it.

Lauren

Well, the answer is no

Samantha

Your the one that jumped to conclusions.

Lauren

Under any circumstance, ever.

Samantha

Lauren I don't want to talk if all you want to do is tell us how mean, unsupportive, and abusive we all are. We have only ever tried to help you. I'm sorry you feel like we are all against you and want you to fail. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Lauren

Not what I said either, what I am saying is that, YOU. CANT. HAVE. MY. CAR.  Clear enough?

Samantha

Goodbye

Lauren

I'm sorry, but considering the messages Seth has been sending me, I feel my reaction was perfectly within reason

Samantha

Seth was hurt that you left after he spent the week trying to be supportive of you. He was also concerned that I spent most of yesterday crying because in spite of how I try, it's never good enough for you. He told me at 10 that he shouldn't have gotten upset and he was sorry, but you wouldn't take an apology. And the whole family is not Seth.

Lauren

He has never supported me. Ever.  He is abusive is the most literal sense. You NEVER tell someone to kill themselves, No matter how upset you may ever become. Especially when that person is your emotionally shattered biological sister, who has a very extensive suicidal and self hating past.  I love you my family, really, but I will never ever ever ever again consider him family

Samantha

That's up to you. But carrying around grudges only hurts you. And of course your parents. But do what you must. Maybe you should try to look at things he said dialectically.

Lauren

Or maybe he should learn to respect human life and stop being so damn self absorbed that he thinks it's OK to tell people to commit

Samantha

He showed me his texts, and it doesn't say anywhere you should kill yourself.

Lauren

I may have sunk to the level of drugs and other despicable behaviors, but I have never sunk to that level. Then he left some out.  Probably the snapchats he said it, which he can't show after he's sent, and I could only show you if I took his words seriously enough to screenshot them.  But I saw no point in saving pure hatred from someone who does nothing but spread pure lies and hate about me.Yeah, I fucked up, but I stopped trying to ruin Ben's life after I finally realized what it was doing to him. Seth is aware, but to selfish to care.

Samantha

Im not going to argue who is right. Both of you have your own reasons for why you do what you do. I'm not taking sides. I will try to broker peace and even forgiveness, but I won't take sides.

Lauren

I'm not asking you to take sides, I am asking you to respect the fact that I want nothing to do with him.

Samantha

I already told you that was a decision you would have to make.

Lauren

K

Samantha

I am going to bed. I am tired. I love you.

Lauren

I love you too

A Better Understanding

On Friday  Lauren decided to leave our home.  She was so excited the night before to go snowboarding with her dad and Seth.    But she woke up and said she didn't feel good and then after they left she told me she was moving out.  One obvious reason is she reconnected with her old boyfriend and his mother had kicked him out and he was living in this dedicated homeless shelter in a neighboring city.  She had talked about it the day before.    I wondered then if she wouldn't do the same.   Anyway.....

I told her I thought she would be better here, but she argued that her brother's hated her, that we expected her to be someone she is not and constantly tried to change her.  Then she said that she would never be good enough for us and that she always felt like a terrible person in our home.  I tried to tell her we didn't feel that way... but she refused.  Even down to the point that if I didn't take her to this shelter she would go and blatantly break one of the rules so I would kick her out and she would go anyway.    I told her if that is what she really wanted I would take her.  So she packed up some of her belongings and I took her and dropped her off.

As I left I was crying.  Not because she had hurt my feelings after I tried to make it a nice homecoming.  Not because she was rejecting everything we have to offer again.  Though I am sure those played into it.  No, the main reason is I felt so bad is that she was so torn up inside by her feelings of worthlessness and shame that when she was with us all she could feel was that because there were no drugs, alcohol, etc, to numb the inner turmoil.  In her mind we were good and she was bad.... and living with us only reinforced that even if that is exactly opposite of what we have tried to show her.  I feel badly that she is choosing to continue down a path that she knows doesn't make her happy.  That she is so totally scared of who she might disappoint, including herself, that she won't even try to change it.  It also reinforced to me her lack of self.  Without her boyfriend she was nothing.  So no matter what he did or didn't do... she had to be with him in order to be somebody.  Her sense of self comes from him, and without him she has none.  Unless he chooses to get out of her life.... they will always be together, because she needs him to exist.

When I got home I looked up some more info on BPD and came across this video.  It was extremely well done and explains so well the thought processes, the symptoms, the inability to controls one emotions and thus actions.  I shared it with my family and asked that they watch it.  It is long.  If you have an interest in knowing more about her condition this will definitely help.

It may sound strange but I find comfort in knowing that this is a real disorder.  That these are not just bad decisions.   That when she meets Christ she will be made whole and not have these issues, and that the majority of the things she has done in her life she will not be held accountable for because she could not control them.  I also find comfort in knowing that most people can live  and live well with bpd, but of course they need therapy.... and right now she refuses to get that.

Reconsiderations

So..... I apologized to Lauren and asked her to come back.    I don't really feel I was in the wrong, but after thinking for a long time I came to realize some things.

1.   Lauren hasn't been on her meds for a long time, and that means she is in full Borderline mode.  That means she can't accept any type of perceived disapproval without taking it way personally.

2.    Because she can't handle the idea that someone might disapprove of her she will foist all of her feelings onto you, and make you responsible for them.  That way she is the victim of what you do.

3.    Simply having to come back and live with us is a big hit to her self esteem.  What little she has.  It proves to her that she wasn't able to handle it on her own.... and failure is not an option.

4.  Put all of these things together and you have a time bomb waiting to go off.  Which is exactly what happened.

Although I don't feel like I have been overbearing or judgmental, I can see how she would feel about it.  Given that I don't have those problems I can try to be more understanding and more patient in my dealings with her.

Ian and I did sit down with her last night and talk about what our expectations were and what hers were.  It is very apparent to me that  she is struggling with not liking herself.  She was crying a bit, and she hasn't done that in a very long time.  She also was expressing how she is never good enough for us.... which we have never said or even tried to convey, but I think that too is one of those things where she puts it on someone else to not have to deal with it herself.    Anyway..... We'll see what happens.

Samantha

Speedy Endings

So Lauren made it home yesterday...early.  I welcomed her I thought with open arms all things considered.  I got her some nice flowers, cleaned up a place for her and made food.  She brought all her stuff in, and it was a lot.  It all needed to be cleaned so we started right away on laundry.  I had a previous engagement yesterday afternoon so I left for it.  Ian was here most of the day with her.  I got home and she had gone to see friends.   Friends that are not healthy for her, and to reconnect with her boyfriend that dumped her at Christmas.  I continued her laundry.  Her dog pooped all over Ben's floor and my upstairs floor --- gooey poop.  She would clean it up when she got home.  I went to Seth's concert with him.  Ian went to the court of honor with Chase.   Got home and was tired, hadn't slept well the night before.  I finally went to bed.  Lauren came home and was tired and would clean the carpet in the morning.

This morning we got up as regular for scripture study.  It is family time and yes we had Lauren get up.  It was one of the things she agreed upon before she came back home.   Then we all started our day.  Lauren went back to bed as did Ben.   I continued with Laundry.

When Lauren got up finally I told her we needed to talk about some things and get things planned and put together.  I asked what her plans were and she said hanging out with friends.  I told her she had therapy to work on and that we had to contact a psychologist to get an evaluation done.  I also said she had to be home for dinner.  That set her off.  She immediately started yelling at me for pushing religion down her throat.  I told her it had nothing to do with religion.  We eat as a family.  She continued about religion.  I left it alone for a bit.  Did what I needed to and then came downstairs.  I asked to talk and she went to the garage.  She was going to take things to her old boyfriend who she apparently has reconnected with.  I asked her to help me shovel walks, she had to go.  I finally told her I was not going to help her with bills, and a place to live if she couldn't help and work on therapy.  She said she was willing to do therapy but all we want was religion.  Then she started swearing up a storm a me.  Said her friend had posted something on facebook about &&$(#)$^ me.    Then she drove off.  I thought bout it for a bit, and decided I don't have to take this.  She is over 18.  I was trying to help her get back on her feet.  I have done nothing but clean up her mess since she got here and she went to "hang out".  She wants all of the privileges of adulthood with none of the responsibilities.  After being swore at and yelled at and used I decided that she can't be here.  I would put her stuff on the front porch and she could handle whatever she needed.

She came back a few minutes later and when I wouldn't let her in... she got rude and pushy.  I pretended to call the cops to get her to leave.  She was using the foulest language.  I told Ian I kicked her out.

Truth be told I feel bad for her.  But I want nothing to do with her.  I am tired of dealing with her problems, tired of taking her abuse, tired of being her rug.  I am tired of her hating us until there is no one else and then have her repeat the whole process again.  I told her father I wanted to cut off all connections with her.

I know I probably over -reacted, but not near as much as her.  I know she hasn't been on meds for months and is way out of whack, but when do you stop being abused for a mentally ill child and stand up for yourself.  I just can't keep doing it to myself or to my other children.

What a sad day for me.  I'm crying as I write it.  I would love to crawl in bed and forget the world.

Samantha