Moved

Lauren found my blog quite a while ago, but it has recently become an issue for her. I'm careful to minimize any connections that might allow someone to discover her identity (all people names, place names, etc., are different), but it still bothers her.

So, I closed the old blog and copied all of the posts to this new one. I also eliminated some links between my public identity, which should make it hard for her to find it.

Acceptance

I watched a show yesterday that was supposed to be about someone with BPD.  I don't think that the person had that..... though.... they had some signs.  But that wasn't the point of this post.  Rather it was the few things that this person said and did that caught my attention.

This young lady was put in a mental institution.  She hated it.  She wanted out.  But she loved it at the same time.  Although she was 'locked up"  she had so many freedoms that she felt secure.  No she couldn't just leave, but she didn't have to worry about jobs, social life, money, responsibilities.  She knew that she had friends regardless because that was all there was for each of them.    She was presented with the opportunity to escape but refused to take it because the "Real world" was to scary.  I know for a while when Lauren was in treatment this occurred.  That is why she does so well in treatment but not so well in the real world.  All responsibility, all uncertainty, most all  worries taken away.  It wasn't until this girl in the show decided her freedom to choose was more important than security that she was able to move forward.    Of course in the show she wasn't let out until she could prove she was ready to move forward.  That isn't an option for Lauren.  But I do think... she struggles with the "real world" for just such reasons.

This girl also said when asked about a fellow suicide that  she should have been a decent human and been there for the other.  She said "I wish I had told her that I know what it feels likes to want to die, and I know what it feels like to want to hurt yourself physically so badly to keep the thing inside from feeling."  I can't imagine how that would feel.  I can't imagine hurting myself physically.  I can say I do know what it feels like to want to die.  But that has only been at times when I have been so depressed, and has never been a constant struggle.  I'm not sure I could win that struggle.

The other thing I gained from the show was something the psychiatrist said to her.  She said she had a decision to make, and it was a big one.  A hard one.  And so she felt the girl was ambivalent.  Then went on to explain that ambivalence isn't that you don't care, it's that you care too much, so you don't know what to choose.   She said the young girl had to choose... to be crazy or choose to be sane.  She had to choose to live a full life with all of it's ups and downs and working through things, or she could choose to stay where she was and be safe, but never really happy.  And not safe as in no harm, but safe as in not having to deal with reality and it's issues.  That it was a tough decision that only she could make.

Any sane person would say choose life.  However many a sane person doesn't choose life.  I know there have been plenty of times when I follow routine.  Not because it is best, but because it is familiar, I know what to expect.  Especially pulling oneself out of depression.   You know you'll be happier ultimately, but it is such a struggle, and you know what to expect and not to expect and sometimes it's just easier to stay stuck.  I didn't say better.  Just easier.  I think Lauren struggles with this as well.  It is hard for me, and she has so many more problems going on than I do.  I can't imagine being in her mind..... and yet....... In a way.....I can see how she would prefer to stay there.

Anyway... It was just a few things that stood out to me.

Love One Another

We recently had a baptism in our ward.  The young lady (18) moved in with her grandma about 3 months ago.  She comes from a rather hard/abusive background and found solace, comfort and acceptance here.  She has made many friends and is gaining a sense of her value in life.  She is exceptionally sweet.  Ian and I attended the baptism because we are good friends with the grandma.  She is a lady that had quite a sordid background as well.  Later in her life she found the gospel and has accepted it and loves it.  Think of a 65 year old biker gal with a huge  bronx accent and then think of her living the gospel, and you have it.  I love her to death.  She has taught me a lot about overlooking stereotypes and finding the wonderful person inside.

However back to the baptism.  After the young lady was baptized a member of the stake welcomed her into the ward and church and also gave a little speech about what to expect.  He had her stand up and turn around at look at all the people who were there to attend her baptism.  There were a lot.  The whole relief Society room was overfull.  People were standing.  Then he said these people are your family, they are here to love you, support you and help you through all difficulties in life.  As disciples of Christ this is what we do.    I was touched but saddened.   I thought about how all the young women in our ward had really surrounded this girl and made her feel welcomed.  How the whole ward had surrounded her with love.  They knew her situation and they helped.  It really was a christ like endeavor.

But then I thought of Lauren.  She grew up in this church and chose to be baptized when she was 8.  She was so happy on that day and so excited.  More than any of my children she was aware of the covenants she was making and was thrilled to make them.  Then her disorder kicked in a few years later.  When we moved here the girls surrounded Lauren with the same attention and love they did this other girl.  She had instant friends who loved her.  And she did so well for the first little while.  Everyone wanted to hand out with her.  But again her emotions would kick in and get the better of her.  She would become angry, rude, over needy, demanding.  The girls never knew what to expect or even how to handle it.  When you have a bad day and you tell someone your going to kill yourself if they don't like you.....well.......  That doesn't exactly make them want to stay around.  Oh a lot of them did because of the fear of her self harm.  But that only reinforced the negative behavior and she would do it over and over and eventually the poor young women couldn't handle it.  Didn't know what to do about it.  So they began to avoid her.  Parents who heard of her behavior were concerned and some of them would contact me to find out what was going on.  Those I was actually able to tell about Lauren's condition.  They were understanding and compassionate, and caring.  But they weren't too hip on having their daughters hang out with Lauren because who knew what she would do.  So they pulled away which caused her suffer severe rejection.Which only worsened her behaviors.  Some mothers who never bothered to find out the reasons simply decided she was a bad egg and avoided the whole family like a plague.  She had bishops and leaders who didn't quite understand her condition and say things that weren't helpful.  One bishop told her that her attempts to commit suicide for attention were sins that would keep her out of the temple so she couldn't do baptisms for the dead.  This upset her extremely.  Few of the people understood that she could not control her emotions.  That those emotions drove her to actions.  

We have a new bishop.  When he was sustained he told the congregation that his favorite smell in sacrament was cigarette smoke.  Yes we believe smoking cigarettes is a sin.  It destroys the body that God created for us.  But he said if he smelled it he was happy because he knew someone was present that was truly trying, and that church was for the sinners, not the perfect.  He later said if all our sins smelled like cigarette smoke how likely would we be to come.  He hoped we all would and that we all would be loving.  Lauren tried for many years to continue in church.   But she always felt ostracized.  I don't think people were truly trying to, but her actions had caused them to avoid her.  And her own emotions only magnified those emotions until church was place where she could never meet the standard or be accepted.  When she had turned to her ward family to always be loving, supportive, and caring through her most difficult times......they weren't there.  It was all a big lie.  At least in her mind.  I can't really blame them.  Oh yes I wish more had made the effort to push through to see her....many adults did....but not any of the young women.  But then how could I expect that.  They didn't have the capacity to understand or deal with it.  I understand her condition pretty well (so I think)  and there are many times when I and not able to deal with it.  There are times when she attacks me that it hurts and it is hard to remember that it isn't me that is the problem.  I'm the outlet.

I thought gain about this new member and I thought I hope that she truly continues to try... that she really makes an effort, because our church is very good at helping people who continue to try.  It is the ones that have given up that the members, not the church, seem to abandon.  WE had a general authority say at a conference a while ago "don't hate me because I sin differently than you."  Many members have a really difficult time with that.  I may yell at my kids, lie a little, overeat..... but you smoke.  Therefore my kids must avoid you, or I must avoid you myself.  This isn't what the gospel teaches but ...it's perfect and people are not.

I don't wonder why Lauren hates the church.  I can't blame her for feeling like she will never be able to be good enough there.  But I watch her flounder without a solid foundation and know that without it she will continue to flounder.  She needs the gospel in her life.  She needs the support and love of members.  She needs the unconditional love that is promised.  But reality and ideal are so different how does she reconcile that..... and can I blame her for that?  Will god blame her for that?  I don't know.  I just know that we as a membership need to try harder to live like Christ.  I personally could do a better job of accepting others despite their faults, at looking for who they are instead of what they do.

Samantha

Why she doesn't consider herself a member of our family:part II

"You expect me to be like you." I don't. Though I probably would like it if she had the same values. But I really don't expect her to be like me.

"Because you drag my future husband down." I will admit I am not happy with her decision to marry her current boyfriend. She thinks I don't like her current boyfriend. It isn't that I don't like him. I really think he is an okay person. I do have major concerns with him though. First of all they both have BPD. Who is going to be the stable person in this relationship? They have been together for more than year, but it has been a rocky year to say the least. They have been on and off and on and off etc. Plus he has had other girls, and she has had other men. Of course it was all because of lies other people told. Well why are they believing and trusting others instead of each other? Neither of them have jobs, or a place to live. Neither of them have educations. Her boyfriend hasn't even finished high school or got his GED. They are both living in a homeless shelter. And they are both 18. I just look at all the odds against them and say... waiting certainly can't hurt. If it's meant to be it still will in a year from now. But in three months I don't see how anything will change. And the fact that he wants to commit suicide because it would be better for "her"family.... is just another flag about how unstable they are. She wants me to be happy for her. She wants me to welcome him with loving arms. I did that once, and he left her twice due to what others said, and she fell apart both times. And now I am supposed to just say... okay no harm done. Things will be great. I am so happy for the both of you. That's like telling a drug addict you are pleased they are addicted because then they don't have to worry about their problems. I just can't be happy. I will make every effort to love and support her decision, but don't ask me to be happy about it.

"You have poisoned your brothers minds against me." I don't think there is anyone in this family who has pled for understanding and kindness towards Lauren more than me. Not only in her immediate family but in both of her extended families. I understand perfectly how she can come across. I have tried valiantly to help the family and even friends to understand her issues, her inabilities and to give her chance after chance. If her brothers minds are poisoned it is because they are at points in their lives (teenagers) where they can't get past their own issues in order to understand someone else's. And above that they often make snap judgements and say things they later regret. It's a symptom of the age. If I could change it I would.... but it doesn't work. I do not think it is okay for anyone to tell her to kill herself. Not her friends, nor her relatives nor her brothers. Two things to consider here: Seth swears he didn't say that, and often Lauren puts her own interpretation on things. On top of that I lectured Seth pretty well about his not being understanding of his sister and that it is not his job to parents her or get after her or anything. She is his sister and he is to love her. If she needs correcting Ian or I will do it.
Do I think she should let bygones be bygones? Yes and no. We can't change the past and it does effect us. However carrying around grudges and anger really only hurts herself. Plus it disrupts the peace of every family get together. Yes her cousin has done many hurtful things to her, but she has done just as many hurtful things to her. They also were both teenagers at the time and take everything personally and have a hard time admitting wrong doing. I think both are miserable with the choices they have made. I think the only way they will ever get past it is to realize they were both contributers to the problem. That they both said things they didn't mean that hurt a lot, that they both did things that were mean. Then let it go and try to build from there. I don't think they need to be best friends, but the anger on both sides is only hurtful to them.

"Your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts." I know she may think that at the present, and may even have convinced herself of that, but when I look back most of them were friend issues, or boyfriend issues. She may have cut many times to deal with the pain of family, but the suicide attempts were not because of them. It is funny how one can convince oneself of things that didn't occur. Lauren has told me she had a very unhappy childhood and never had any friends. That was not the case. Until she was older she always had friends. She was quite happy and enjoyed her childhood, but where she is at now, she can't see it. I do realize that my family more than Ian's has a difficult time with Lauren's choices. Not that they don't still love her. She sees it as judgement. They see it as disappointment. I have a father that feels he needs to let you know how he feels about things. After that he doesn't mention it but goes about doing things like always, He has gone out of his way many times to help Lauren. I have a mother that would do the same, though again she does have a way of letting you know what she thinks. The others never talk about it, but again they aren't as close to her anymore. For one thing they have seen how easy it is to upset her, so they aren't sure what to say... so they stay to safe topics. In other words they all walk on eggshells, and that doesn't add up to a good relationship either. Ian's family is better able to include Lauren regardless of what has happened. However it should be noted that the main people that accept her so well is her grandma, who really puts forth effort, and her Aunt who has left the church and traveled her own rocky road at times. I want her to feel that unconditional love from all of them, but again..... Unconditional doesn't mean we lower our standards so you feel comfortable, or we let you walk all over us.

Finally I am so sorry Lauren doesn't feel like I love her. I am so sorry she doesn't think I like her. I guess I have a hard time showing it. She is so prickly at times that it is pretty hard to hug a porcupine. I guess the hardest issues I have is I to don't know what to talk about. There don't seem to be any safe topics that aren't mundane. We can't talk about her plans, or her dreams. We can't talk about the future. Religion is taboo, or any standards that might go with it. She wants to talk Tattoos and piercings and her current lifestyle. I can listen, but feel distanced and bad that she is so enthralled with something I think is so bad for her. I can't say anything or it starts another fight so I say nothing. Ian says he feels like she distanced herself from us about two years ago, and the only time she really wants anything to do with us, is when she needs something her "new family" can't provide, like money, or food, or getting out of trouble. I think he is hurt and that she is hurt. But..... I do love Lauren. I love her with all my heart. I know she is more than her condition. I know she is a kind and loving person. She is loyal and determined. She continues trying regardless. She is strong. I also know she is controlled by this condition and until she really gets some real therapy for it, she will continue to be controlled. I would love to help her in any way I can to be the person that I know God knows she is. However I can't support her in so many of the choices she has made that hurt her. And she sees that as not loving her. Sometimes love really hurts!

 Samantha

Why she doesn't consider herself a member of our family

Why? Because you can't support my relationship, regardless of how happy it makes me. Because you can't support me as a person. Because you want me to be someone I'm not, and you will never accept me as the tattooed, pierced, cigarette smoking, Pansexual, Pagan, occasional weed smoking person I am. Because you expect me to be like you. Because you drag my future HUSBAND down to the point where he considers suicide, because 'that would be better for your family'. Because you have poisoned my own brothers minds against me. Because you are aware of my issues, yet you still think it's acceptable for Seth to tell me to kill myself. Because you think I should just let the shit that 'my family' has done to me go and forgive them, even tho most of your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts. Because you are completely incapable of actually loving me for who I am.

I received this e-mail last night, plus she posted some stuff on facebook, about how she is happier now than she has ever been and that we only ever tried to make her miserable.  I was up a lot of the night trying to decide if I should reply or not.  I don't think it would do any good.  Not sure what set off the latest firestorm.  But I finally decided to post my thoughts here.

1st.  The e-mail really hurt.  I know she is lashing out because she is hurt, and because rather than accept that her actions have a lot to do with her unhappiness it is safer for her to blame us for all of it.  But it still hurts.  I have tried to show my love to Lauren in a million ways.  But all she can see right now is areas where I refuse to budge on my principles.  Because I don't agree with her...I can't love her.  But to love someone and try to show them over and over and have them spit it in your face, regardless of the situation is really hard.

2nd.  I realize that I still have grieving to do on my own.  I am a mother of one daughter.  Wether it is right or not... You have a daughter and you have these dreams of things you are going to do together or things that will happen.  Things like shopping together as best friends once they are older.  Discussing their crushes.  Planning a beautiful wedding and being happy and excited for that day.  You want to share in their success as they move to adulthood.  There first real job,  Their graduation, their moving into their own place.  I've tried to do those things,  but the reality is so far from the  expectation that it hurts.   A lot of times I think we have dreams for out children that aren't theirs, and we can't force them on them.  That wouldn't be right, so we adjust.  I have no problem adjusting when it comes to many things, but certain ones I have a hard time with.  I need to take some time to rethink and grieve for what can never be.

3rd.  In some areas I am sure this e-mail is accurate.  We do have a hard time accepting her piercings, tattoos, cigarette smoking, pansexual, pagan, weed smoking person.  Let me first say I don't think excessive piercings and tattoos look nice.  I think our bodies are made by God as he would want them, and that adding these things only distracts from our natural beauty.  However that doesn't mean I think people with them are bad, or evil, or any such thing.  I am sure, even though I don't know a lot of people  that have them, that they are loving and kind, and good people.  I am also sure that in a lot of  cases the young adults who are getting these are doing it as a rebellious statement (simply to fight against society or parents etc).  I am not a fan of stereotypes, and try to not apply them to individuals, but the fact is that stereotypes exist for a reason.  There is a lot of truth behind them or they wouldn't exist.  It is true that a lot of people in jail have tattoos and piercings.  Those who live on the edge do things on the edge.  Of course not all of them.  But a lot.  the problem with Lauren is...... Her disorder  leads her to follow whatever group she finds acceptance.  If they are stealing, she'll steal, if they are drinking she'll drink.  If they are breaking the law so will she.  If they are abusing drugs, so will she.  She isn't someone who can associate with a style and not involve herself in it fully.  Thus it isn't a fashion statement or an expression of who she is, but a way of life.  And not a good one.  The second problem for her is that in order to truly move forward in life.....  As unfair as it may be.... she will have to conform to some standard of normal.  If you look at the majority of successful people in the world (and yes I'm talking job here), the way they look drives perceptions.  People are more likely to trust someone clean shaven than someone edgy.  Not fair I know.  But like I said   stereotypes exist for a reason.  Sure you can try to change them... but it will be a long battle and in the meantime what do you do?    The cigarette smoking speaks for itself.  Of course I don't want it.  Everyone knows it is bad for you, besides it stinks terribly.  Weed smoking.... well that speaks for itself too.  Just because there is a law saying it is legal doesn't mean it is good for you.  People can get drunk too, but that isn't healthy.  You make stupid decisions when you let some chemical like that control you.  Of course I am against it.

The pagan thing.  I am biased.  But that doesn't mean I can't accept another religion.  I have a hard time with paganism though as it seems to involve a lot of mysticism.  I know there are good things to it as well, but when I listened to Lauren talking with others about these pagan spirits that influence her and cause her to act certain ways  I just think that is another way of blaming your actions on someone or something else.  As I have mentioned before we are Mormon.  She was raised as a Mormon.  And one of the teachings was freedom of choice.  No one can force you to act in certain ways or do certain things.  You have a choice as to what you do.... however the outcome is based on that choice and you don't get to choose to deny or accept that after you have made a choice.  For example if someone is sexually active with many partners during their youth, and later repents of it and is forgiven, the sin is no longer there.  However if they develop Aids later in life that  has nothing to do with their not repenting but has everything to do with their choices.  It is not a punishment.  It is a consequence.  while I know that a lot of Lauren's choices are controlled by her emotions..... and I truly believe that in a lot of circumstances she is incapable of making other choices  to blame those choices on some protective spirit... well I have a hard time with it.

I realize that Mormonism is very difficult for Lauren because it does make us responsible for our actions.  She tries and fails, and fails and fails and that just means she is bad in her eyes.  But that isn't how I see it.  I don't see God as cruel.  He is very aware of her issues.  He knows what she can and cannot control.  I think he is pleased that she continues to try no matter how many times she fails.  I wish I could give her the peace I find in the knowledge the gospel brings.  But she is so set against it.... and members are partially to blame ( and probably us indirectly) that she will have nothing to do with it.  Does that hurt?  It does.  It is the most important thing in my life and to have her reject it  hurts.  But it also hurts because I think it is the one thing that can save her.

Pansexual.  Well of course I'm against it.  I believe that sexual relationships should exist only in marriage and that marriage as defined by God is between a man and a woman.  So can I accept ..... Of course.  But do I condone?  No.    However....  In all of my research on relationships  for young people with bpd,  it has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with the relationship.  And as I look at Lauren's relationships....although there have been girls, her major relationships are always guys.

I think the problem she has is one that a lot of people have.  If you don't agree with me you can't respect or love me.   There are many people in the world I don't agree with.  Over many issues.  That doesn't mean I can't love them.  Just because I am not willing to lower my standards, or change my beliefs does not mean that we cannot understand each other or love each other.  But she can't see it that way.  I suppose she does see the standards we live as judgements on her choices.  Not that we try to judge her, but we are not willing to change those.  I often find it funny that  people expect us to change our standards for them.  Someone doesn't go into a catholic church and say I am methodist and want to go to church here so you need to change the way you do things so I can feel comfortable.  No ... they would be told to go to a methodist church.  If you go to the catholic church you do things the way the catholics do.  We have the same standards in our home.  We are Mormon.  We live our religion and standards.  You don't have to, but when you are in your home you don't come in saying we should allow you to drink, to smoke, to use drugs, to use foul language.  If you want to do that you have to go somewhere else.  And Lauren sees that as rejection, which it really isn't.

That is the first part of my thoughts.  I will continue with the rest of the message later.  This post is too long as it is.

Follow B.P.D. Mom on Google+

I have set up a new account on Google+, and all of my posts will show up there, for anyone who would like to follow me that way.

My Google+ name is BPD Mom.

Typical conversations

I wanted to share a text conversation I had with Lauren this past week.  I wish I could say that this is an unusual conversation but it really isn't.  It's pretty typical.  Notice how she goes from fine to angry in a few moments and not just a little angry, and then there is a radical shift in things to anger again, to another shift.  Notice also that she is the victim.  Even if she does the same things others do, her reasons are valid while theirs is not. Sometimes it is exhausting to try to stay calm and not take offense.  Other times I look at the conversation and think she does a great job of dealing with all she has to deal with.  This gives you a sense of how all over the place her emotions are and how they control her thoughts and actions.  This message talks about two brothers in particular.  Seth is her younger brother and  has had a very hard time trying to understand Lauren.  He misses the old Lauren whom he was very close to.  He has a hard time understanding that this disorder tends to control her instead of the other way around.  He sees that it is stressful for not only him, but for his parents and his younger brother.  As such he sometimes spouts his opinions (he is a teen) when he shouldn't.  Later he always feels bad, but.... such is life.  Ben and Lauren are a different issue all together.  For some reason Lauren has always competed with Ben for attention.  I never understood it, and still don't.  Ben struggled in school with learning disabilities while Lauren excelled.  Ben struggled to make friends while Lauren  always had friends.    At least when they were young and it all started.  Maybe because he required extra time for homework etc she felt neglected... or maybe even then her disorder was manifesting and if I spent time with him she saw it as me not wanting to spend time with her.  Anyway.... they have always had a rocky relationship.  When things with Lauren started getting bad  she accused Ben of some terrible things.  Although there was some truth in what she said.. the majority of it was false.  She told these things to a therapist and that started a firestorm in our family.  Ben had to move out into a group home while a teen.  He has been shattered over and over again by the results of her accusations.  In spite of all this...out of all her siblings.... he is the most understanding of her condition and problems.  Perhaps because of his own problems.  But to this day... Lauren still carries a grudge for him.  He did finally get to come back after a year and a half, but boy did we miss him, and he carries those scars to this day.  

Lauren

Hey

Samantha

Hey.  How is the place?

Lauren

Good, I'm going to apply for jobs Monday

Samantha

Good. What are you doing today? Do they provide medicine and therapy?

Lauren

Hiding inside cuz it's freezing outside, yes

Samantha

Hiding where?

Lauren

In the TV room lol

Samantha

I didn't think they were open. (they are usually closed during the morning and afternoon)

Lauren

They are because it's Saturday

Samantha

Oh. What about your evaluation on Tuesday? Will they take you to it or do they do it?

Lauren

Yeah, today and tomorrow they have extended hours. I need to ask for bus passes, can you pick me up in Fairmont?

Samantha

To go where?

Lauren

My appointment

Samantha

On Tuesday?

Lauren

Yeah, Unless you changed it

Samantha

No, I didn't. I thought you just said they do it. I can pick you up.

Lauren

OK then pick me up

Samantha

What about your psychologist?

Lauren

Same, have to get bus passes

Samantha

Where do you want me to meet you in Fairmont. By the 7-11

Lauren

Sure

Samantha

So they don't have medicine and therapy?

Lauren

They do, you can cancel the appointment with the psychologist. The other they can't do.

Samantha

K.  You cancel it.

Lauren

I need the number and my phone bill paid to do so. So I really cant

Samantha

What time on Tuesday?

Lauren

It's on the calendar

Samantha

I know the appointment. What time to pick you up?

Lauren

It's at 11, are you coming here? Or do I need to see if I can get bus passes?

Samantha

I'll meet you in Fairmont.

Lauren

OK, I will let you know

Samantha

K

Lauren

Then, cuz I have no idea if I can even find money for passes

Samantha

I thought they provided them?

Lauren

For certain types of things, this isn't one

Samantha

Well come home with dad on Monday and spend the night. I'll take you back Tuesday.

Lauren

No.  I can't.  If I leave over night I lose my bed

Samantha

Not if you talk to them. It even says so.

Lauren

I honestly don't want to. I don't have any desire to be in the same house so that Seth can verbally abuse me face to face

Samantha

I honestly don't want to drive to Morristown to drive to Stone to drive back to Morristown to drive back to Greenville.

Lauren

He's done nothing but harass and belittle me for days.

Samantha

And Seth won't.

Lauren

Bullshit. He already is

Samantha

Im not going to argue that point. He won't that night.

Lauren

I won't do it

Samantha

K.

Lauren

I'd rather walk than be treated like shit by my supposed brother

Samantha

We'll I guess you need to get bus passes.

Lauren

I can try

Samantha

K

Lauren

Samantha

Sorry you feel that way. Seth has been trying. He is hurt too. Hurt people hurt people.

Lauren

He's been trying to tear me down until I commit.  Yeah, he's trying, trying to ruin my only chance to get moving in life

Samantha

Commit what? He is a teenager and views life through his lens. He loves and misses his sister. The one that was willing to try to get better. He feels you've given up. It hurts him so he hurts you. You do the same thing.

Lauren

Anyways, as soon as my Internet is working right I'm just going to block him on everything. Commit suicide, like he told me to. He is not my brother.  He means nothing to me at this point.

Samantha

Do what you think you must. But.... I know he loves you. We all do. We'd love to help, but You don't want the help we have to offer.

Lauren

I know YOU would, but I am not going to let him bring me down anymore

Samantha

That's fine.

Lauren

He is just like Sadie (her cousin that she was like sister with till about 4 years ago).

Samantha

Just don't expect me to agree.

Lauren

Two faced, full of shit, self absorbed, and hoping I'll die.

Samantha

Neither hope you die. But I'm sure you see it that way. We all say things when we're hurt. Including you.

Lauren

Bullshit

Samantha

Hurt runs two ways.

Lauren

Yeah, but I don't intentionally make people turn against him.  His entire school thinks I'm a meth head with a sex addiction and no sanity.  Thanks to who?  Him!

Samantha

You did it to Ben. Is that any different.  Most of your school thought he was a criminal because of what you said.

Lauren

Yeah, cuz I stopped.  Not cuz of mr.  Me.  I never said that to people at school. And when I did, it was in confidence, and I made sure they knew that I forgave him

Samantha

Im sure he'll stop too. Not people at school, just people at church who went to your school.

Lauren

That's his own damn fault  (she blames her Ben for most of her problems to this day thought he had little to do with them)

Samantha

I'm sensing a huge double standard here. It's okay if I do it. My reasons are valid. Their's are not.

I am sure their reasons are as valid as yours in their mind.  Just as yours are in yours.

Lauren

Anyway I was wondering if you are still going to help me get my car fixed

Samantha

Don't know.  To tell you the truth dad was thinking about talking to you about  getting it back as payment for all of your debts.

Lauren

Wow. I told you that I am working on getting a job and paying you back, and your going to take my car? Good luck, I won't sign the title back to you.  If you won't help me fix it, I will just find a way to bring it up here. Load my stuff in it, and it can chill in the parking lot here.

Samantha

I didn't say we were. Just a thought. Boy you want to think the worst of us.

Lauren

No, but I know dad

Samantha

Yes he is so mean he has given you thousands in the past year. Yes, that included the car.

Lauren

I didn't say mean, I said I know him. As in he's more concerned with getting money than me getting on my feet and paying him back in time.

Samantha

Which is absolute garbage.

Lauren

That's what it seems like, especially if you try to take my car.  I'm trying. I'm not here to waste time, I'm here because I can find a job and meds and get moving without depending on you.  Because I am more than aware how much I owe you.

Samantha

He figured it's going to cost a lot to fix. The tie rod is broken and the axle may be  bent. Plus 2 of the tires rims are bent your talking almost 1000 to fix it. He figured this would be an easy way for you to get out of debt with us.  Especially since the fixing costs are so much. He wasn't trying to stiff you or hurt you.

Lauren

Or you can either just give it back to me, or help me fix it. I'm not giving you my car.  It's one of the only things I have left

Samantha

We never said we would take it, he said he was thinking about talking to you about it.

Lauren

Well, the answer is no

Samantha

Your the one that jumped to conclusions.

Lauren

Under any circumstance, ever.

Samantha

Lauren I don't want to talk if all you want to do is tell us how mean, unsupportive, and abusive we all are. We have only ever tried to help you. I'm sorry you feel like we are all against you and want you to fail. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Lauren

Not what I said either, what I am saying is that, YOU. CANT. HAVE. MY. CAR.  Clear enough?

Samantha

Goodbye

Lauren

I'm sorry, but considering the messages Seth has been sending me, I feel my reaction was perfectly within reason

Samantha

Seth was hurt that you left after he spent the week trying to be supportive of you. He was also concerned that I spent most of yesterday crying because in spite of how I try, it's never good enough for you. He told me at 10 that he shouldn't have gotten upset and he was sorry, but you wouldn't take an apology. And the whole family is not Seth.

Lauren

He has never supported me. Ever.  He is abusive is the most literal sense. You NEVER tell someone to kill themselves, No matter how upset you may ever become. Especially when that person is your emotionally shattered biological sister, who has a very extensive suicidal and self hating past.  I love you my family, really, but I will never ever ever ever again consider him family

Samantha

That's up to you. But carrying around grudges only hurts you. And of course your parents. But do what you must. Maybe you should try to look at things he said dialectically.

Lauren

Or maybe he should learn to respect human life and stop being so damn self absorbed that he thinks it's OK to tell people to commit

Samantha

He showed me his texts, and it doesn't say anywhere you should kill yourself.

Lauren

I may have sunk to the level of drugs and other despicable behaviors, but I have never sunk to that level. Then he left some out.  Probably the snapchats he said it, which he can't show after he's sent, and I could only show you if I took his words seriously enough to screenshot them.  But I saw no point in saving pure hatred from someone who does nothing but spread pure lies and hate about me.Yeah, I fucked up, but I stopped trying to ruin Ben's life after I finally realized what it was doing to him. Seth is aware, but to selfish to care.

Samantha

Im not going to argue who is right. Both of you have your own reasons for why you do what you do. I'm not taking sides. I will try to broker peace and even forgiveness, but I won't take sides.

Lauren

I'm not asking you to take sides, I am asking you to respect the fact that I want nothing to do with him.

Samantha

I already told you that was a decision you would have to make.

Lauren

K

Samantha

I am going to bed. I am tired. I love you.

Lauren

I love you too