Lost IT!

It's been awhile since I posted, mainly because sometimes it just gets to be so overwhelming and I just can't go into it all right then.

Lots has happened in the last little bit.  My daughter got a boyfriend and lost him in  3 days, that was an experience.  We had a meeting at school with the counselors, the school psychologist and Lauren's  therapist on how to best help Lauren.  Then Lauren decided she was gay and got a girlfriend behind our backs.  Her mother called and made them call it off, and now she is hurt again.  I should mention that we are Mormon, and that I don't really think Lauren is gay.  I think she is searching for acceptance and love, and having lost it in other area's of her life, she is down to a group that is gay and so she is taking their road.  This disappoints me, but doesn't surprise me.  The mother of the other girl is Mormon as well, and she was pretty angry.

So lets see, details.  After Lauren got out of the lockdown center, and they agreed it wasn't a suicide attempt, we headed back to our home state for a short visit.  It was quick and didn't turn out quite like Lauren had wanted.  Her therapist is great and met with her Sunday night when we returned.  That week went okay.  On Friday she told me she had a boyfriend.  She went to his house that night.  On Saturday his Mom brought him over and they spent time here.  His mom let me know that he had some Autistic issues, and I was frank and told her of Lauren's own issues.   I was worried because in the past Lauren has been so afraid of losing someone that she has let them use her, and she ends us losing them anyway, and then feeling just terrible.  I didn't want that to happen, and I also didn't want her to hurt this kid.  They went for a walk while I was talking to his mom.  I think they did stuff they weren't supposed to.  Lauren denies it, but she has in the past as well.  I don't know.  Later (like two days) she told me he had asked for sex, and she said no, so he had been kind of threatening.  However when they got back from the walk they seemed okay.  We took him home later that night.  On Sunday she refused to go to church which was a good indication that she was feeling guilty.  On Monday she broke up with him, however, rumors got started and it got very messy.  He was made out to be a bad person, and an abuser, and I don't think he is.  She was made out to be easy, and she isn't.  It created huge issues at school and at home for ever a week.

After that she was oaky.  She decided to go back to her early morning Seminary class which made me very happy, and we had a meeting at school.  Her therapist was there, and it helped to have her advocate for Lauren and tell them exactly what her needs are, how she reacts in general and to have a plan set up to help, instead of punish Lauren.  They are also planning on setting up a 504 or IEP for mental issues, as it truly effects her school work.    I feel it will really help Lauren.  She needs the understanding and support.  Although her actions and decisions cause a lot of problems, it is very important to see that her actions and decisions are primitive, ineffective ways in which she is trying to protect herself.  If you look at things that way, you can certainly be a bit more understanding about what she needs.  It is hard, and I admit freely, that sometimes it is really really hard, and that I lose it at times.

I've known for awhile that Lauren was hanging out with the gay/lesbian group at school.  I know a large part of this is she really doesn't have a sense of who she is.  That is one of the symptoms of BPD.  She very much takes on the persona and ideals of the people she is currently feeling are her true friends.  She has alienated a lot of the Mormon friends, or feels that they are only her friends because they have to be, and that they don't really care, so that isn't her core anymore.  She was with the druggies for a bit, but when their drug dealer got  arrested because of her drug deal, that too went south.  That left the nerds, which she doesn't fit, and the emo/punk's and gay/lesbians.  I have pretty much not made a big deal about it, because I don't truly believe she is lesbian.  She likes boys way too much.  She has been hurt by a lot of guys, but she still likes them.  Do I think she is dabbling with it, yes, but not much I can do there.  She knows how we feel, and what we believe, we can't force her.  I figured when she started hanging out with this knew girl that it might be a lesbian relationship, though I doubt anything physical has happened.  I figured the other girl would  call it off, or her mom would and it would run it's course.  It has.  She is hurt again.

Today is a day when I am having a hard time holding it all together.  And not just because of Lauren, though that certainly is part of it.  She again refused to go to church, but I think more because she was afraid the bishop might talk to her, than because she actually did anything other than hang out together.

This whole week has been difficult for me.  There have been so many other things that demanded my attention, Halloween coming up, the school carnival which I was involved in, and volunteering in my sons class.  I sometime feel like there is just too much in my life.  With a bunch of Lauren's decisions that go against our beliefs I wonder how responsible she will be for them.  I know she knows right from wrong, and that she feels the guilt of her actions, however so many of them are made impulsively without really thinking it through, and are motivated by this overwhelming emotional need that drives every other thought from her mind.   So given that this is a real disability, and that she really is as incapable of doing certain things as someone with down syndrome is, (though her actions are much worse at times), how much is she responsible for?  It has plagued me all week.

Then today a lesson was being taught in church that we had requested over 3 months ago almost.  One that addresses Lauren's issues and how the gospel would like us all to respond.  We wanted to have it so that the kids would be aware, of what PBD is, how to best respond to help Lauren, and also  how to interact with her so they would also not get hurt or freaked out.  I realize that if you are unaware of what BPD is, a lot of people just think Lauren in nuts, or a drama queen, or a really over the edge jerk.  She freaks people out, she wears people out.  But that is never the intent, and when they abandon her it makes things worse for her.  After much prayer my husband and I figured that it would be better for everyone to bring this to their attention and give specifics so they could all interact better and safely.  However this morning we were informed that the bishopric didn't want to talk about only one person and wanted it to be a more general lesson with no specifics and that they would teach it.  Generalities do not do any good with Lauren's issues and so although a good lesson in general, it would not accomplish what we had so hoped.  Every other venue we have searched to have this lesson with her peers has been blocked from us.  And we really want to have it especially with her peers from church, because they are the ones that would set the best example and have the life the values we feel will make Lauren the happiest and lead her back to her Father in Heaven.

While at church, my 3 boys had some issues as well, that just left me overwhelmed.  My oldest and youngest both refuse to fast, which is not all that hard.  The oldest acts so immature at times, and I wonder if he will ever be able to grow up and take responsibility for himself.  My youngest is following down the same row.  And I just think with everything else, I just can't do this.  We have taught them.  We have set the example, but it just seems lost on them.

Finally I listened to so many members of our church bear their testimonies of the truthfulness of the gospel.  Which I believe.  So many today said that if we just pray daily, read scriptures, have family home evening, teach and try to keep the commandments we will have the spirit in our homes and have the peace we really need.  I get so discouraged by that, because we are doing all that, regularly, and have done it since they were all small kids, and yet the peace doesn't come.  It is always in an uproar.  We are always running to put out one fire after another, and I am truly tired.  It has been one of those days where I have just lost it, and I am going to go to my room, and see if tomorrow is better.

I sure can use that peace!

Over reacting

One of the things that i hate the most about the symptoms of BPD is the  over reacting that seems normal that happens.    For example, people with BPD often talk about suicide and often have plans.  But normally if they are talking about it, they are not doing it.  They talk to get attention.  In a non BPD person you would call the police, take them to a hospital, evaluate them and be really worried.  However after having gone through this so many times, I know that talk is talk when it comes to my daughter.  I can tell when she is venting, getting back at someone, or wanting attention.  It isn't that the feelings aren't real, they are, but in this instance it isn't going to happen for two reasons.  One she has no access to weapons, or pills in my home, and secondly she is mad at someone.  There are other times when I take her seriously, but generally if she is thinking real suicidal thoughts, she doesn't talk about it, she just tries.

Recently she was talking about suicide to a friend.  One she was mad at.  They reported it to the school counselors like they should.    The counselor is concerned and calls me.  She is understanding.  We have talked about this before, however the vice principal who cares only about policy and keeping things easy at school, bawls  my daughter out for upsetting the kid (who was upsetting her)  and says she is not following her safety plan that allows her in the school, which is that she should talk to an adult and specifically us, or the four designated at the school.  She didn't talk to the kid at school, but I do know it gets around.  So..... He really upsets her, and she become belligerent.  He helped not at all.   Then she refused to stay at school or go home or anything she was so upset.  Instead of giving her a moment to calm down he has the police take her to the hospital on a medical hold.  That means they take her and evaluate her and can keep her for at least 72 hours.    We get to the hospital and the social worker who is not informed about bpd,  evaluates my daughter.   She doesn't call her therapist like I asked, she makes her own decision based on what she hears, Suicide thoughts, and a plan.  No she can't carry it out, but she is dangerous, so she has her sent to a inpatient facility.  She didn't even listen to me and how I told her this was a bad idea.

So because two people over reacted, and refused to learn about the condition or listen to me, who does know, my daughter is sent to a place.  There are two things that are bad about this as well.  The first is the therapy you get there doesn't do a thing for my daughter.  I know she has been to one of these places twice before.  The second thing is that they reinforce her behavior.  I need attention, boy I got it and lot of it.  I may not like where I am, but I got so much attention.  Her therapist wasn't to please and neither was her dad nor I.  Especially since we get to pay for it, regardless of wether we had a say in the decision (which we didn't) or not.

This effects my whole family.  I have to run clear up to the other part of the state to visit my daughter and the doctor there.  Her dad is out of state on a business trip.  I have three other kids to help with homework and feed and it is all at the same time.  If it was needed I would have her there in an instant.  BUT it isn't.  It is a waste of time and money.  And then I have to start over again and hope they don't reinforce it next time.  I realize that they were acting as they would with a regular individual, but my daughter is not the regular Joe.  I have explained that to them over and over, and yet they don't listen.  I realize they are protecting their butts, but they are also exacerbating a problem that needs to be fixed.

It's funny I am not mad at my daughter.  She acted as she normally would in such a situation.  I realize it isn't a good way to act, but I also realize that until she learns some different tools, I don't see it changing much.  I am upset at people who refuse to listen to me, when I know more than they do in this circumstance.  I also know my daughter better than any of them and for her they were over reacting.  Problem is - they have the law on their side and I don't.  I just have to reap the consequences.  Sometimes BPD really stinks that way.  Well most ways, but restricted parental rights is a real big issue for me, and it happens a lot with this.

Good Day

Yesterday was actually a really good day.  My daughter and I were able to communicate in a really good way, and she was very cooperative.  She is still our of school till Monday.  She did get a lot of her homework done, and she willingly did what was asked.  We talked about a few things in non threatening ways.  She is working towards a goal.  We had a little set back on the way home from town tonight.  A friend couldn't come with us on an outing tomorrow.  We gave permission, but because of what she has been saying about us, their parents won't let them come.    She was very down.  He dad was able to talk to her and get her to refocus and use some of her therapy tools.

In talking with her therapist, She thinks that all of this is good stuff.  She sees it as a good thing that she is so rebellions, it means she is learning new techniques and fighting them, which means she knows them.  She also says it is darkest before the dawn.  I hope she is right.

We have a family therapy meeting this morning.  I hope it goes well.  She seems in a good mood this morning.

My husband posted this picture of her from a couple years ago, about when she was 11.  It is so precious.  I couldn't help thinking that I wish she could find that person under all of the confusion and hurt she has in her. I know she is still there.  I love her so much.  And she is such a wonderful person when she is not taken over by her disorder.  I know we are gaining much knowledge and learning, and good things by learning how to deal with all of this, but I also know it hurts.    I heard a man talking the other day about how God is aware of us and our situations and is there for us, but oft times won't remove trials, as we come closer to him in learning how to deal with them.  I can agree with that, but that does't mean I like it.  I do hope he helps us through it, because it is so hard, for us and especially for her.

Samantha

The cops are our personal friends, or they will be.

This past week has been such a mess.  The cops came over Saturday because our daughter called to tell them her father was abusing her.  He restrained her.  They agreed and told her she had to do what we said till she was 18.  It's not like we ask a lot.  We expect her to get good grades, tell us where she is going, with whom, and when she will be home.  We ask her to be respectful and honest.  We ask her to participate in family outings.  We ask her to do her chores and help with the house.

Well she hasn't been doing very well.  She is failing 3 classes at school.  Steals money from me, doesn't obey curfew, doesn't let us know where she is going, or with whom, and doesn't come home on time.  She hasn't done a chore in weeks.  And she is far from respectful.  But because we enforce rules and refuse to give permissions we are the terrible parents.

Last night I found out that 150 had been stolen from my purse.  The emergency funds.  I also found out through texts that she had bought some marijuana.  She denied it and ran away.  We couldn't find her so the cops found her and brought her home.  They left her with us.  This morning we told her she couldn't go to school, until she went with us as we will have to talk with the counselors.  One of her friends reported her, and to not get caught  she ate the stuff.  So there was no trace other than a drug test which she refuses to take for us.  She did take the stuff and everyone knows it.  So she refused and went to run away again.  I caught her arm and refused to let her go.  She started slapping and hitting me, and finally I got her to sit on the driveway where she began to scream and wake up all the neighbors.  It was 6 AM.  One even came over to see if they could help.   I finally had one of her brothers call the cops. She calmed down a little and went in the house.  When they came they talked with her.  The asked it I wanted to press charges on the stolen money.  I said no.  Maybe I should have said yes, but I don't want to be the person who puts her in jail.  I really want her to get her head on straight and clean up so that this all stops happening.  She finally calmed down and went with her  father and I to the school.  We met with the assistant principal and told him what had  happened.  He suspended her for 2 days. I was surprised he didn't expel her.  She is mad at us now because it is our fault that she got suspended because we told the vice principal.  And it is our fault she will fail her classes, even though she has done no math for the past 3 days.  Then we came home.  She went straight to bed.  I told her it would be a good time to catch up on all of her math homework, but what do I know.

She has a therapy appointment tonight.  I hope it is good but since she doesn't use it, it seems a bit useless.  

She is breaking my heart.  She has so much potential.  She is so brainy.  Not common sense wise, but smarts.  She is cute, or could be without purple and orange hair.  She is fun to be around when she is up. I love her and want her to have a good life.  A successful future, but that doesn't look like it is going to happen any time soon.  And I a afraid she is going to ruin her life in the meantime.  I also don't want her to be a perpetual inpatient at mental facilities, but it is looking more and more like that is what will happen, because I can't control her, she is as big as I am, and she won't listen to me.  And she is defiant, and won't control herself.  So what other options do we have.  I just want to cry.  I don't know how much of this is her illness and how much of this is just her rebellion, but we can't keep going this way much longer.  She is going to have to work on somethings with us, or we won't have any choice.

Like the cops said.  The are trying to help her, but you can only help for so long.  Then consequences have to fall.  And she is close.  Maybe she needs to consequences, but they are so harsh and so lasting.  I truly truly love her and wish I knew how to help her.  All of the self help books aren't much help.  I can apply the concepts and programs.  And I know I am... And really trying, and although that tells me I am... It doesn't solve the problem and I still ache for her.

A typical day

Yesterday was a very nice day.  My family listened to General Conference.  We are Mormons.  The talks were wonderful and uplifting.  I just wished my daughter would have listened.  She decided that she had to go to a friends house.  She was there pretty much the whole day.  It was sad to say the day was really nice and everyone was so cheery, and a lot of that was because she wasn't there to cause problems.  She came home about 3 hours late.  Of course I called, but no one answered.  Yes this is typical.  So I didn't worry.  She apologized for being late, but of course it wasn't her fault.    The moment she came in the house, she started in on things the kids do wrong, complaining about things being changed around, about not having enough time, and about not having a phone, and she deserves one, because she is really trying to improve and follow rules right now.  That was her comment, not mine.

On the other hand she did clean her room, and vacuum the stairs without complaint.  And she brought a treat back with her for the kids.  So there was good as well.  I hope she does well at school today.

Intro

We are a fairly normal family, or at least I like to think so.  That may be a bit delusional at times.  My daughter suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you don't know what that is, I suggest you google it and read some of the articles about it.  Some are more informative than others.

As you might guess, we are constantly on a roller coaster ride in this family.  I have found that I need a place to put down my thoughts without being afraid of hurting someone.  Thus I started this blog.  Obviously I am not Samantha, but being somewhat anonymous means that I can get relief without hurting those around me.  Other than names and location, I promise everything in here is and will be true and accurate.

What I find amazing, is that I can love this child who brings such chaos into our lives.  Who creates so much drama, and stress, and not just for us as parents, but also for our other children.  And yet underneath all of the bad decisions, and lies, and upheaval - I see a lost little girl, who can't find who she is, and seems to have no control over her actions.  I also feel the stress of the situations, and wondering if how I deal with it this time, is going to cause another blowup.  In spite of it all I love her.  There are times I wish this would all go away (MANY MANY TIMES!!!!)  but I do love her.

Anyway...... if you read this, great.  I hope it may help.  If not great - I need it mostly for me.

Samantha