So..... I apologized to Lauren and asked her to come back. I don't really feel I was in the wrong, but after thinking for a long time I came to realize some things.
1. Lauren hasn't been on her meds for a long time, and that means she is in full Borderline mode. That means she can't accept any type of perceived disapproval without taking it way personally.
2. Because she can't handle the idea that someone might disapprove of her she will foist all of her feelings onto you, and make you responsible for them. That way she is the victim of what you do.
3. Simply having to come back and live with us is a big hit to her self esteem. What little she has. It proves to her that she wasn't able to handle it on her own.... and failure is not an option.
4. Put all of these things together and you have a time bomb waiting to go off. Which is exactly what happened.
Although I don't feel like I have been overbearing or judgmental, I can see how she would feel about it. Given that I don't have those problems I can try to be more understanding and more patient in my dealings with her.
Ian and I did sit down with her last night and talk about what our expectations were and what hers were. It is very apparent to me that she is struggling with not liking herself. She was crying a bit, and she hasn't done that in a very long time. She also was expressing how she is never good enough for us.... which we have never said or even tried to convey, but I think that too is one of those things where she puts it on someone else to not have to deal with it herself. Anyway..... We'll see what happens.
Samantha
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Speedy Endings
So Lauren made it home yesterday...early. I welcomed her I thought with open arms all things considered. I got her some nice flowers, cleaned up a place for her and made food. She brought all her stuff in, and it was a lot. It all needed to be cleaned so we started right away on laundry. I had a previous engagement yesterday afternoon so I left for it. Ian was here most of the day with her. I got home and she had gone to see friends. Friends that are not healthy for her, and to reconnect with her boyfriend that dumped her at Christmas. I continued her laundry. Her dog pooped all over Ben's floor and my upstairs floor --- gooey poop. She would clean it up when she got home. I went to Seth's concert with him. Ian went to the court of honor with Chase. Got home and was tired, hadn't slept well the night before. I finally went to bed. Lauren came home and was tired and would clean the carpet in the morning.
This morning we got up as regular for scripture study. It is family time and yes we had Lauren get up. It was one of the things she agreed upon before she came back home. Then we all started our day. Lauren went back to bed as did Ben. I continued with Laundry.
When Lauren got up finally I told her we needed to talk about some things and get things planned and put together. I asked what her plans were and she said hanging out with friends. I told her she had therapy to work on and that we had to contact a psychologist to get an evaluation done. I also said she had to be home for dinner. That set her off. She immediately started yelling at me for pushing religion down her throat. I told her it had nothing to do with religion. We eat as a family. She continued about religion. I left it alone for a bit. Did what I needed to and then came downstairs. I asked to talk and she went to the garage. She was going to take things to her old boyfriend who she apparently has reconnected with. I asked her to help me shovel walks, she had to go. I finally told her I was not going to help her with bills, and a place to live if she couldn't help and work on therapy. She said she was willing to do therapy but all we want was religion. Then she started swearing up a storm a me. Said her friend had posted something on facebook about &&$(#)$^ me. Then she drove off. I thought bout it for a bit, and decided I don't have to take this. She is over 18. I was trying to help her get back on her feet. I have done nothing but clean up her mess since she got here and she went to "hang out". She wants all of the privileges of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. After being swore at and yelled at and used I decided that she can't be here. I would put her stuff on the front porch and she could handle whatever she needed.
She came back a few minutes later and when I wouldn't let her in... she got rude and pushy. I pretended to call the cops to get her to leave. She was using the foulest language. I told Ian I kicked her out.
Truth be told I feel bad for her. But I want nothing to do with her. I am tired of dealing with her problems, tired of taking her abuse, tired of being her rug. I am tired of her hating us until there is no one else and then have her repeat the whole process again. I told her father I wanted to cut off all connections with her.
I know I probably over -reacted, but not near as much as her. I know she hasn't been on meds for months and is way out of whack, but when do you stop being abused for a mentally ill child and stand up for yourself. I just can't keep doing it to myself or to my other children.
What a sad day for me. I'm crying as I write it. I would love to crawl in bed and forget the world.
Samantha
This morning we got up as regular for scripture study. It is family time and yes we had Lauren get up. It was one of the things she agreed upon before she came back home. Then we all started our day. Lauren went back to bed as did Ben. I continued with Laundry.
When Lauren got up finally I told her we needed to talk about some things and get things planned and put together. I asked what her plans were and she said hanging out with friends. I told her she had therapy to work on and that we had to contact a psychologist to get an evaluation done. I also said she had to be home for dinner. That set her off. She immediately started yelling at me for pushing religion down her throat. I told her it had nothing to do with religion. We eat as a family. She continued about religion. I left it alone for a bit. Did what I needed to and then came downstairs. I asked to talk and she went to the garage. She was going to take things to her old boyfriend who she apparently has reconnected with. I asked her to help me shovel walks, she had to go. I finally told her I was not going to help her with bills, and a place to live if she couldn't help and work on therapy. She said she was willing to do therapy but all we want was religion. Then she started swearing up a storm a me. Said her friend had posted something on facebook about &&$(#)$^ me. Then she drove off. I thought bout it for a bit, and decided I don't have to take this. She is over 18. I was trying to help her get back on her feet. I have done nothing but clean up her mess since she got here and she went to "hang out". She wants all of the privileges of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. After being swore at and yelled at and used I decided that she can't be here. I would put her stuff on the front porch and she could handle whatever she needed.
She came back a few minutes later and when I wouldn't let her in... she got rude and pushy. I pretended to call the cops to get her to leave. She was using the foulest language. I told Ian I kicked her out.
Truth be told I feel bad for her. But I want nothing to do with her. I am tired of dealing with her problems, tired of taking her abuse, tired of being her rug. I am tired of her hating us until there is no one else and then have her repeat the whole process again. I told her father I wanted to cut off all connections with her.
I know I probably over -reacted, but not near as much as her. I know she hasn't been on meds for months and is way out of whack, but when do you stop being abused for a mentally ill child and stand up for yourself. I just can't keep doing it to myself or to my other children.
What a sad day for me. I'm crying as I write it. I would love to crawl in bed and forget the world.
Samantha
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Independence Lost
So it's been forever since I wrote. So much has happened, but so much I haven't wanted to write about. Lauren did move out and in with her boyfriend. The first place lasted about 3 days. The landlord was a whacko, and that created a bunch of problems. She and her boyfriend found a new place to live. They lived there for about 2 months. She had quit her job by then because she couldn't get the time off she wanted and her boyfriend wanted her to pick him up all the time from school. In the middle of October she took off for Utah. She had pretty much run through her money..... And it was a lot, and moved into an apartment that a friend had leased through the end of the year, and was not living in. So it was paid. She got a new job and did pretty well for about a month. Then once again she started being flaky, letting too many people live in the apartment, having fights with her boyfriend, not budgeting. Around Christmas her boyfriend broke up with her. This was after she had spent every dime she had on him. He didn't do it in a good way... and she was a mess for Christmas. We went home after Christmas as her brother had to work and couldn't get away. So we spent Christmas day here. Lauren then lost her job as she was depressed and just decided not to go to work.
Suffice it to say that by February she was evicted for not paying rent for two months, Had her phone turned off because she couldn't pay, had debts because she let people live with her who didn't contribute, had gotten tattoos, piercings, abused alcohol and drugs. She moved in with some friend but still had no money for food or gas or anythings else to live on. I don't know quite how she got it, but during this time she did apparently find some way to get cigarettes, and drugs because she continued to use. We knew she was in a bad place, but felt she had to live with her own choices. She had asked if she could come back home, and we agreed on the condition that she met our standards. She refused. After he second drug arrest, and being homeless and hungry she finally agreed to the rules. It is sad because she isn't coming back to get the help she needs, she is coming back because she has no where else to go. I'm not sure she has learned much.
Ian and I went home over President's day and spent a lot of time trying to get things figured out with her. We spent one entire day getting all of her crap, well not all, just the important parts packed up from her apartment. It was such a sty I couldn't believe she would live there, not just messy, but dirty as well. Liquor bottles everywhere. Cigarette buts and ashes everywhere. Dog poop on the floor. Left over food on the cabinets and dishes that hadn't been washed for weeks. I mean disgusting. The owners were pretty upset, and only let us in to get a few things. Most everything was left and they insisted they would have the place cleaned up and renovated. Of course she will be stuck with that bill as well. Ian and I then proceeded to drive home to Colorado arriving very late. We would have brought Lauren with us then, but she had court the next Monday for another drug charge.
I have spent the last week cleaning up a space for her. She had court yesterday. The judge is letting her come back here but only if she is evaluated for rehab. she has 90 days otherwise she has to pay a fine and spend 90 days in jail. My father has tried to help her and yesterday asked if she had learned anything. Her reply was no. He told her that was too bad because the path she was on wold only lead to jail.
Lauren called us last night to tell us she was bringing a boy with her. Ian told her in no uncertain terms no. This morning I got a call from my mother saying that she had come by at 2AM to get the money for gas and head to Colorado. And that she had a boy with her. I don't know at this point if she is coming or not, or if she just took the gas money 120.00 and ran. I want to think she is coming, but I don't know that.
I think what hurts the most is that she is ruining her life. I do want to help her. I do love her, but in the past 6 months she has gone through so much money.... and she has absolutely nothing to show for it. She has embraced everything we have taught her not to do, sleeping with whoever, using alcohol, smoking, using drugs, stealing... etc. It's like she has no morals. It breaks my heart because I know she is not happy. And I know what she is doing is only going to cause her more grief and guilt and shame.
And at the heart of it all is the shame that she can't live with that drives her to do stupid things which cause more shame. I really hope and pray that if she does make it here that she will truly work to get the help she needs to get her life back in a semblance of order. She did well for a bit of time and now she is in the pits again. How I wish I could help her. How I wish she would help herself. She just can't seem to see that her actions cause her to loose her independence,.......no it is us that takes it away....just ask her.
Please keep Lauren in your prayers. Ben, Seth and Chase will need them as well. They find it hard to deal with all the stress she causes. I wish there was a nice fixing solution to all of this. But there isn't.... so we live and do our best.
Samantha
Suffice it to say that by February she was evicted for not paying rent for two months, Had her phone turned off because she couldn't pay, had debts because she let people live with her who didn't contribute, had gotten tattoos, piercings, abused alcohol and drugs. She moved in with some friend but still had no money for food or gas or anythings else to live on. I don't know quite how she got it, but during this time she did apparently find some way to get cigarettes, and drugs because she continued to use. We knew she was in a bad place, but felt she had to live with her own choices. She had asked if she could come back home, and we agreed on the condition that she met our standards. She refused. After he second drug arrest, and being homeless and hungry she finally agreed to the rules. It is sad because she isn't coming back to get the help she needs, she is coming back because she has no where else to go. I'm not sure she has learned much.
Ian and I went home over President's day and spent a lot of time trying to get things figured out with her. We spent one entire day getting all of her crap, well not all, just the important parts packed up from her apartment. It was such a sty I couldn't believe she would live there, not just messy, but dirty as well. Liquor bottles everywhere. Cigarette buts and ashes everywhere. Dog poop on the floor. Left over food on the cabinets and dishes that hadn't been washed for weeks. I mean disgusting. The owners were pretty upset, and only let us in to get a few things. Most everything was left and they insisted they would have the place cleaned up and renovated. Of course she will be stuck with that bill as well. Ian and I then proceeded to drive home to Colorado arriving very late. We would have brought Lauren with us then, but she had court the next Monday for another drug charge.
I have spent the last week cleaning up a space for her. She had court yesterday. The judge is letting her come back here but only if she is evaluated for rehab. she has 90 days otherwise she has to pay a fine and spend 90 days in jail. My father has tried to help her and yesterday asked if she had learned anything. Her reply was no. He told her that was too bad because the path she was on wold only lead to jail.
Lauren called us last night to tell us she was bringing a boy with her. Ian told her in no uncertain terms no. This morning I got a call from my mother saying that she had come by at 2AM to get the money for gas and head to Colorado. And that she had a boy with her. I don't know at this point if she is coming or not, or if she just took the gas money 120.00 and ran. I want to think she is coming, but I don't know that.
I think what hurts the most is that she is ruining her life. I do want to help her. I do love her, but in the past 6 months she has gone through so much money.... and she has absolutely nothing to show for it. She has embraced everything we have taught her not to do, sleeping with whoever, using alcohol, smoking, using drugs, stealing... etc. It's like she has no morals. It breaks my heart because I know she is not happy. And I know what she is doing is only going to cause her more grief and guilt and shame.
And at the heart of it all is the shame that she can't live with that drives her to do stupid things which cause more shame. I really hope and pray that if she does make it here that she will truly work to get the help she needs to get her life back in a semblance of order. She did well for a bit of time and now she is in the pits again. How I wish I could help her. How I wish she would help herself. She just can't seem to see that her actions cause her to loose her independence,.......no it is us that takes it away....just ask her.
Please keep Lauren in your prayers. Ben, Seth and Chase will need them as well. They find it hard to deal with all the stress she causes. I wish there was a nice fixing solution to all of this. But there isn't.... so we live and do our best.
Samantha
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