Learning Independence

The past month or so has been rather difficult for me.  For Lauren too I am sure.  Her boyfriend is back from his grandparents and she feels she needs to spend every spare moment with him.  This causes problems with cars and such as her brother has a job as well, and they have to share a car.  She also has had two jobs in the past two month.  I don't know why she got let go of her previous one.  She seemed to like it, and the reason she gave seemed very suspect.  I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run, hopefully she learned whatever she needed to from it.

She did do really well in turning right around to get another job, and did so the following day.  She now works at an assembly plant here in our town.  It pays better, and has better hours, though the work is more boring.

She has been doing well as far as her emotions go as well, and I have been proud of her for that.  The area where it has been difficult is that she is now 18 and feels like she should have freedoms that  she wants.  While I agree she has the right to those freedoms, they come at a cost.  We have set up a set of rules for our home, to help everyone in it, and generally, she doesn't like the rules, and feels that since she is 18 she should not have to obey them.  The past little while she has pushed lines, and broken lots of rules.  When we remind her of them, she gets snappy and moody, or cops an attitude.  Things such as chores, dress standards, and language standards, have been ignored most of the time.  She has brought friends home without asking.   Those are just a few of the minor rules she has broken.  There have been a lot more, and a lot more serious.  Ian and I have talked about it for a long time and decided that something had to change.  We really only had two options or so it seemed.  One was to kick her out, which I didn't like, because then I would feel guilty, and wonder what she was doing for money, and how she was living or eating, and it would really hurt our relationship, or we could allow her to stay and put up with her pushing/breaking rules.  Neither seemed like a good solution.  I'm not sure there is a good solution here however.  We gave it a lot of thought, and prayer, and talk.  Finally we decided to present her with a choice.  She could live here with the same privileges the others get, but would have to obey the rules, or she could move out.  We would give her the car, and the money that we had planned on giving her to help with schooling.  She could use that money to get an apartment, insurance, and get going, while working and saving, so she could make it on her own.  After about 2 hours, she decided on the later.

Lauren went right to work and found an apartment.  In fact she moved out today.  We presented her with the choice on Monday or Tuesday.  The car will be transferred to her tomorrow, and the money put in her bank account.  She has her furniture from her room, and we gave her some basic  items like detergent, groceries, toiletries, bedding etc.  She is quite excited about it.  In a way we are too.  I know she will let her boyfriend move in with her,which we really disapprove of, but she is an adult.  Even though we have taught her otherwise, she has to make her own decisions.  I am sure she will make many other choices that I know will hurt her in the long run, but hopefully through all of it she will be able to grow and understand.  I want the best for her.  I want her to succeed and be happy.

We even talked that at the end of 5 or 6 months if she can't make it on her own, she is welcome to come back, but on our terms, not hers.  One of the stipulations of her moving out was she had to come home for dinner on Sunday at least twice a month, weekly preferably.  I hope she knows that we love her.  That we want the best for her.  That we have her best interest at heart and we hope this provides her with a way to grow and mature without leaving her on the street to fend for herself with no experience.  I wish it was ideal, but I don't think there is much ideal in this situation.

I remember reading in a book quite awhile ago, that it wasn't about what was right, it was about what works.  In other words, even though what I think is right, she isn't going to do that, so pushing it is not going to help, so we do what works, and hopefully she feels the love and support and hopefully she has the experiences to learn from so that she has the desire to return to the right path, and finds her way back there.  I think she know we will always love her regardless, and will help he in the best way we can.

I feel sad in the way her moving out and taking that huge adult step has come about.  I wish it could be her desire to become an adult, go to school, or become independent.  While I think she wants that.... I think the main reason she jumped on the wagon, was to be free of rules she dislikes.  I feel that on both our sides it will be good, but that it happened in a sad way, instead of a congratulatory step forward.  No matter what though........ I hope she succeeds at finding what she truly needs and that this move helps her to gain independence and happiness.

Love Samantha

Movin' Forward

So the past two months have gone by pretty quickly.  I do know that there have been some missteps along the way, either they are getting farther apart or I am better able to deal with them.  Most of them even seem normal teenager-ish.  I am happy for Lauren.  She seems in a better place.  She has made a lot of progress over the past little while.  She even stayed home with just her and her brother and managed to stay out of all trouble.  That made me happy.  I bet it made her happy too.  It is nice that I can rely on her for a bit.  She got her License yesterday and is now all legal to drive, she is excited about that.  I am too in a way.  He brother has been such a bore about taking anyone anywhere and she is really excited about it.  It makes it so nice.

She seems to have matured a bit as well.  Sometimes she is able to see the future and be a little scared by it.  Having turned 18 this past month  she realizes that things change drastically on paper for someone like her, though not in reality.  She feels the same and acts the same but the consequences of her choices and actions have changed a lot.  It scares her, which I think is a little good for her.  I think it is good for her to realize that there is responsibility that comes with freedoms.

She is still in a relationship with the boy that took her to prom.  He even came along to our family reunion in Utah this past June.  It was nice getting to know him better and getting to like him.  He is a pretty good kid.  I do have some worries, but Lauren assures me they are not really things to be worried about.  I know they both have had pretty tough lives and support each other, I just hope is doesn't become co-dependant, and abusive.  That can often happen.  He fits in well with the family, except on brother that is on a judgement kick.....so that doesn't count.

It is hard to be able to see people for who they are and recognize their progress when you are comparing them to some huge perfect standard.  I finally had to let go of that "normal" for Lauren, and take her on who she is and see the progress of where she is at.  It makes a huge difference in how I see her, in how she sees herself and how we get along.  I sure do love her.  It is hard to get to that point, and I mean hard, but so worth it.

There are still times I want to kick her butt, but for the most past I enjoy living with her and having her around.  She is a good person.  And she is learning more and more each day to control her emotions and not let her emotions control her.  That is a huge deal for Lauren, and she is doing it.  I am so proud of her.

Progress

So not perfect, but at least on a somewhat upward swing.  Lauen actually went to the prom on the 27th of April.  She looked pretty and loved the whole thing.  I was happy for it.  It is an event I didn't think she would ever be able to experience, and I am so glad she got to.  Since then..... things have been up and down.  No job yet, and she is still caught up way to much in her boyfriend.  His parents and she are not getting along, and I am just staying out of it all.  He is a nice boy.  I wish he were a little nicer, but all in all, he is okay.

We are planning on going home soon after the kids get out of school, and Lauren has mixed feelings.  She doesn't want to be gone too long, and she really isn't sure about family, but she has plans to go with us.  She seems to be in an okay spot.  She did give up smoking for over a week now.  I am hoping it continues.  As we all know - little things can set her off...

I wish she could make some more friends....  She really needs some.  Anyway.... Things aren't great, but they are certainly better than they were a couple of weeks ago.  That is always nice.

Mountains become Mole Hills

The past week has been difficult for Lauren.  It  is amazing what a little thing can build into and how it can spiral out of control.  The real test is to not let it, but Lauren has a real difficult time with that.  Lauren got her feeling hurt, badly over the Easter Holiday.  Instead of trying to put it in perspective and deal with it, she let it eat at her, thinking she would never be good enough.  That led to feelings of worthlessness, which led to victimization, which led to acting in anger which led to doing anything to end the pain, which always get's her in trouble.

The cutting has started again, and pretty severely.  The rejecting of God and into Wicca.  The acting out and taking revenge for perceived wrongs.  We have had family services visit us this past week, dealt with a missing credit card, a job quitting, and some intense issues with her boyfriend and his parents.  Also a return to just not doing chores most of the time.

I know she is stressed.  I wish I could help her to see that she needs to deal with things in a better way.  I know life has taught her to deal with them in this bad way, and her natural reaction is protect herself, even if it isn't really protecting but hurting her.  However, until she realizes that there is a better way to do things, and chooses to do it, she will continue to fall.  I wouldn't even mind her fall if she got back up afterwards and started really trying again, recognizing her old pattern and moving on.

I also plea with those who know her personally to try very hard to be kind.  Knowing that she has this disorder  knowing what her natural reaction will be, knowing  her trials and past, can we not be more loving, forgiving, and understanding.  The family should be the one place we are always accepted.  The one place we are loved in spite of our faults.  Included in spite of our problems.  It is the one place we should find a haven in.    This includes close friends as well.  After all, saying unkind things about someone will never help them to improve.  The only way to change a persons heart is through example and love, like our Savior showed.  He is our example and we should be more like him.

I am hoping that things improve again.  That she picks herself up and dust off and moves on.  I am hoping she can stop the cycle.  Not expecting it, but hoping for it.  Please pray for her.

Happy for Improvement!!!

It has been a while since I last updated.  Things have been going fairly well.  Lauren has made major improvements that have seemed to last for quite some time.  It has been almost a year since we had an out of control episode.  That is a major accomplishment.  It used to be a few weeks if that.  And it has been quite a few months since we have had a major throw it in your face, you can't tell me what to do episode as well.  That is major improvement.  In fact life has been pleasant and although not perfect - never expected that - in a lot of ways she seems no different from other teenagers.  She has her ups and downs, ad she does get upset easier than most.... but her ability to handle situations has improved drastically.  We hope and pray that this means she has learned this skill and is applying it most of the time.

Although I would say she is like one of the extreme rebellious teenagers, I can find others that are considered normal in her sphere which is major improvement.  She has been so much happier, and I have been as well.  The whole family has been.  It is nice to have her accept answers, to ask permission, to calm down when things don't go her way.  To calm down when she over-reacts.  To stop and think.  This is a major accomplishment for her.

As a Mormon I still get discouraged at times when I see some of the choices she is making, things like smoking cigarettes, clothing, not attending church, swearing, etc.  But..... At least her life has a sense of normalcy now.  For the past 5 years it hasn't. She seems to be in a good place emotionally right now anyway.

Lauren has a boyfriend and went on her first real date in March.  She went to Sadies at the school here with her boyfriend.  I was so happy for her.  I was so afraid she would never get that opportunity.  He also asked her to Prom which is next week.  We got her a beautiful dress that she loves and again I am so excited and happy for her.  Those are experiences I never thought she would get to experience, and they mean a lot to a person in retrospect.  Even in forward- spect.

Lauren has a new job and is enjoying it.  She is working at McDonald's.  It isn't very far from our house so that makes it nice.  

I have been so pleased to see her progress, to see her true personality shine through, to see her outgoing self, her loving self, her bright side.  She also finished up her education and got her Diploma a few weeks back.  That is excellent as well.  I was worried about that.

Anyway..... I pray that things continue and that this truly is growth, well it is either way... but I hope it continues for her.  She has been so much happier the past little while.  I like her to be happy.  It makes me happy, just because she it.

Love Samantha

Letter to my sister

My sister has a young son, 8, that was a drug baby.  He is adopted.  His birth mother used Meth up to the day before he was born, not to mention alcohol  smoked etc.  When he was born he was addicted.  Over the years he has had many problems and been diagnosed with many illnesses.  Alcohol fetal syndrome is only one of them.  They recently diagnosed him with Turrets  and maybe bi-polar.   The past few months they have been trying different medicines to help him.  He has slowly become more and more violent in his outbursts, to others and to himself.  A week ago they had to hospitalize him as he was so out of control and there was nothing anyone could do to calm him down.  While he has been at the hospital, he has become so violent that they have had to sedate him quite a few times.  IT breaks my sisters heart, and mine.  She has a tough road ahead of her.  While I was home I didn't really get the chance to talk to her as she was busy with him, or I was with my kids.  I ended up writing this note, which I hope helped her and was very cathartic for me as well.  I think I will post it here in case it helps anyone else.

Dear Martha,   I wanted to talk to you last night, but things just didn't work out, so maybe this is better anyway.  You can come back and read it if needed.  I wanted to tell you I am sorry you are going through these difficulties with Miles.  I understand as a Mom how hard it is to leave your child in someone else's care, and not really have a say in what happens to them.  Just missing them is hard.  You feel like you've failed in your duty, you feel sad for yourself, you feel even sadder for them.  You can't understand why this had to happen or what you are to learn.  And that is just some of the feelings.  

I wish I could tell you that the facility he is in is going to make everything all better and that his problems would be over along with this trial that you don't want.  But in all truthfulness, it won't.  I'm not trying to be a downer or telling you to give up.  I stating a fact.  Miles is going to be like Lauren I think.  I don't think there will be any magic pill, or treatment.  I think he will struggle for many years, which means you will struggle for many years.  There are good times in between it all, and you must record and relive those, because they are what makes it all worth it.  That and the knowledge that God will help, Jesus atoned for this (not just sins) and that in Eternity these things will be gone.    I think when Miles is released from this place things will be better for a while.  I hope the new meds help.  Enjoy his childhood because I think your teenage years with him are going to be HARD.  When you start to see them make choices  that will last a lifetime, and effect them into the eternities it really breaks your heart.  It takes a lot of faith to not lose hope and give up.  When Lauren started sleeping around, I can't tell you how that broke my heart.  Then when she started using drugs and smoking.  Then...... wanting funky hair, tattoos, piercings, bizarre clothing, sexting, hanging on every guy that would give her attention..... Yes my heart has been broken more that I thought I could ever take.  When she lies, steals, shoplifts, etc.  I often wonder why this trial.  It certainly isn't benefitting her, and I don't think what we learn is worth the price.  BUT..... I don't know that.  Only God does, and you have to have faith.  It has taken me many years to get to the point where her actions don't send me into a tail spin.  Yes there are still days when I feel badly, and want to give up, but they are not the majority now.  I have come to realize a couple things that I hope can help you and save you years of heartache.  First is that we are here to help these kids.  God gave them to us because we could do something for them that no one else could, and I don't mean fix them.  Sometimes it is just the ability to keep loving them when they do such awful things.  Sometimes it is simply setting the example of joy that comes from living the gospel.  Sometimes it is just that they know we love them.    That is hard to accept that there is little you can do, but sometimes that is it.  I have prayed for years to know what to do to help Lauren.  I have prayed about medicines, facilities, programs, healing, blessing, fasting and praying.  I have never in all that time received a message of "This is what you need to do to help her."  All I have ever got was a feeling to continue to have faith, set the example and continue to forgive her, love her, and let her know that.  As you may or may not know, she doesn't go to church anymore.  It has been almost a year since she has.  She'll go occasionally, but she never stays. She will not graduated from Seminary, or even high school.  She will never go to a prom.  She will never have a normal date.  She will probably not get married in the temple at least not for a long time.  And yes that hurts and hurts and hurts.  But all I can do is what Lehi did, Alma the elder, Adam and Eve, and so many others in the scriptures.  I can pray, and fast for her.  I can set an example, and I can love her.  I don't think Miles is at the point where he can make his own decisions, but  he will get there eventually and you will have to come to terms with that.  Ian and I have got to the point, that she isn't legally an adult, so we have to have her in our home.  We want her there, but also  that there are certain things we will not allow in our home.  She is not allowed to be in our home if she is drunk, or high.  No sexual activity can go on in our home, no smoking.  Yes she does these things, but not in our home.  She knows that our home has standards.  I can't make her live them outside the house, but I can inside.  As long as she doesn't bring it to my home, she is welcome there.  She participates in scripture study and prayer in the home.  This will not change when she is 18.  However if she does bring it into our home, she knows she will not be allowed to stay there, not because we don't love her, but because our home is a haven for all of us.

Secondly is the knowledge that most people including herself, don't understand Lauren.  None of us know to what extent she is capable of changing her life.  How much is choice and how much is sickness?  To what degree is a person able to withstand temptation.  Yes I know the scriptures say a person will not be tempted beyond what they can withstand, but... I think that is for the normal person, not the one who is sick.  In some ways I think maybe Lauren would not have been able to withstand some of the issues facing her, and so maybe she has this disability to protect her from the consequences of her actions.  If you can't control, you can't be responsible.  I'm not so sure that this disability is all that much different from someone with down syndrome.  We know that they are not responsible for the decisions they make here on earth because they have a body that doesn't allow them to chose properly.  Most of them are innocent and we understand it so much better, but perhaps our kids disabilities serve the same purpose.    That doesn't mean I don't work with her on changing.  Or that she doesn't want to change, but that it is so difficult, harder than for most, and that even small gains are huge.  People have often asked me how can I say the past few months have been great for our family given that she isn't going to church, she is smoking, using drugs, sexting, lost her job etc.  I'll tell you why.  Because Lauren has not had an episode of such violence that she has to be restrained, there have been no overdoses, or hospital visits, or police involved.  There have been no arrests or crap at our home.  Emotionally, she has found an even keel.  For a bit anyway..... And THAT IS BIG!!!!   Sure I want the rest, but this is progress and huge from where she was 3 years ago.  or even 6 months ago.  So I have to look for and be thankful for the progress she makes.  

I also  realize that change is possible.  We don't know when and what will effect people.  Look at people we grew up with that were so wild in high school.  How many of them now have found happiness in the gospel.  Why?  Because as they matured they realized what mattered most.  And God gives them the opportunity to repent whenever and however many times it takes.  Recently I read a book that talked about a boy talking about the bicycle parable, and that he had crashed the bike.  The author said he loves the parable, but it isn't that God makes up the difference,  God already bought the bike.  The repentance process is to help you appreciate the bike,  But God already bought it.  And if you crash it, guess what he has a whole warehouse full of bikes and you can have as many as you need as long as you truly repent.  That is the blessing of it all.  If he or she is 99 and still repenting it still counts.  Whether they accept the gospel here or even on the other side, it will count.  So hope is always there.    President Packer said one time that he doesn't doubt that many people when they are freed from the fetters of this earth, will be able to see the gospel in its entirety and accept on the other side, because what they had here prevented them from truly accepting it.

I am sure you have been able to see the "Real" Miles, just as I have seen the real Lauren.  There are time when the sickness isn't in control, and her happiness and goodness, her compassion, her light shine.  There are times when she has such an understanding of the gospel, when she is so sweet.  I see that and know that that is who she is.  Underneath all the crap she has in her life she is a wonderful person.  I see that.  I wish, oh I wish, she could be that person always, but I know it is there, and I know God knows it is there.  If I can see her as God sees her, past all her actions, past all her faults, past her disease I can understand and help better.  Because sometimes it is really hard to know what to do.  How to react.   Yes there are consequences, but there also has  to be  total forgiveness.  Christ set the example I have to follow.  People many think I let her walk all over me, but in all actuality, I just want her to know I love her and I will continue to let her try again and again.  She knows I do not support her in her negative behaviors.  She knows I don't accept it or allow it in my home, but I  can't do much else.  So I forgive and love her.  

There is growth, not only for Lauren, but of others.  Our family has grown from her trials.  Yes we have hard times too, but I look at my kids.... Chauncey is very forgiving.  He doesn't hold others responsible for his happiness.  He doesn't hate Lauren for all she has done to him.  Ben is more compassionate to others.  He sees that there are many good people in the world, and not just in our church.  He knows that good people can do bad things and that that doesn't make them bad.  He is very accepting of others and how he treats them, even if he doesn't agree with what they are doing.  Payne also is very forgiving.  They value family more.  I have found strength I never knew existed in me.  I have learned to be less judgmental, to be more forgiving, to let things go I can't change.  I have learned to turn to Heavenly Father for peace and joy.  I have found strength and love in Ian through support and working together.  I care less about his annoyances (Which are many) and am able to concentrate on how we support each other through the difficult times.  The odd thing is...It isn't Lauren that has changed, it is me and my abilities to deal with things, to see things, to choose things.  We have grown and been blessed.  We are better people for this.  Am I thankful for this trial....... NO!  But I am thankful for the things I have learned from it.  Would I want this trial.... NO.  Would I change it .... YES.  But that is because I am mortal.  I don't see the whole picture and I don't know what God has in store. And I am grateful that he gives us what we need and not what we want.  My favorite book is by Neal A Maxwell, called "All these things shall be for thy good"  It helps me understand.

Finally.....   The road is long, and hard.  But there is joy along it.  People will judge you, people will hurt you, people will hurt your kids.  Some of those people will be family.  I don't know how often I have heard Mom say something that hurts and cuts about Lauren.  But I have to remember she doesn't understand.  She will give advice that I simply have to ignore.  Not because she is being mean, or trying to hurt me, but because she doesn't live with it day in and day out.  She doesn't get it and so she tries to help with her limited ability.  You have to get over those things.  It is too important.  Every time people tell me that I spoiled Lauren, and that is why she is like she is... I have to ignore it.  When they tell me if I would just enforce some rules..... I take it with a grain of salt.  When they tell me I need to kick her out.... I consider and pray.  They are trying to help, and yes they are judging, but they don't have all the facts, and I can only do what I feel the Lord is telling me to do.  If that goes against their thoughts, so be it.  I am sure Mom, Agnes, Mary, Colton, Dusty, Dad, ME have given you advice on what you should do with Miles, but we only see from the outside, not the day to day, and so we try to help with what we see, not to judge, though it may seem like that, but you have to do what the Lord leads you to do.    God loves Miles more than you.  He knows him better, he hasn't just left him to suffer.  He will do all he can to help him, and guide him.  BUT -- you have to rely on him.  Your family will try to support you, but there is only so much we can do with our limited knowledge.  Remember God has great trust in you, and this trial shows how much.  HE knows that only you can give Miles what it is he needs.  He will guide you to what that is.  And if it just to keep trying and loving, then that is it, even if it seems so useless.

I love you.  I ache for you, and for Miles.  I wish you didn't have to go through the years ahead of you.  But again hold on to the good things, the memories, record the bright spots.  Find those moments when the real Miles shines through and treasure them.  We don't know why God has allowed this trial to come to him and your family, but God does.  Trust in that.

Samantha

Slow Slide

Lauren  has done really well for a while.  December and January were all pretty good.  Her emotions maintained for a bit, and there where no major problems or blow ups.  A lot of progress for her.  Of course she was still doing things that she shouldn't but there was little I could do about those things, and the fact that she was emotionally stable for so long is a big step forward.  I just was happy for the progress she was making.  The past two weeks I have seen a slow slide downward.   It started with her handing out with friends that really aren't good for her again.  Reconnecting with people she shouldn't be with.  Then her dedication to work went down and she eventually lost her job.  Her boss allowed her to quit, but if she hadn't she would have been fired.  Then this past week we spent with family in Utah.  Instead of spending time with family like she said she wanted to, she reconnected again with people that only do things that will bring her down.  THe week ended with her manipulating things that really made me quite upset at her.  She took advantage of grandparents, and me and I was really disappointed.

I hate to see her slide back into old behaviors, and see her start the downward slide, but she did last longer than in the past in a fairly good spot.  I  guess I should just be grateful for the time she had that was good and count that as progress.  I really do hope and pray that someday she may become the person she was meant to be, and that deep down I know she wants to be.  I hope she finds real happiness and  peace.

Christmas and New Years

Lauren had a good Christmas.  Well that isn't exactly true.  I know she had some difficulties over the Holidays.  She got a new boyfriend  and then he broke up with her.   I know she also felt uncomfortable with some of the family, and she and her cousins don't seem to get along much anymore.  But in spite of it all  she held it together and let us have a great Holiday.  It was the first in a long time that we have had a wonderful holiday all together.

After Christmas she also really pulled it together and made a bunch of goals for the new year.  I told her only a few would be better, but she insisted, so it was her idea.  For the first few days she did really good with her goals too.  Then she sabotaged herself and it all fell apart again.  She is so torn inside.  She battles herself.  I think she feels so scared of changing that she sabotages.

She has a broken soul.  She wants to live a good life, but she has addictions, and she sabotages and then she has such anger and she hates God and what is happening to her.  Again until she gets fed up with where her choices take her nothing will change.  Again I am hoping that she hits bottom soon.  I want her to be so happy.  I want to see her shine, and achieve all she wants.  I hurt for her, and for me.  I love her.  I hope and pray everyday for her and for her healing.    Please keep her in your prayers!!