That is the title of a book I am reading. IT has some good stuff. I do feel as though I understand Lauren, but understanding her and being able to guide and parent her are two different things. They had a list in the book that helps one to understand why they act why they act.
First of all it is not the action that causes the problem. It is their reaction to the problem. Because they tend to have dysregulated emotions (essentially meaning they don't perceive something that happened the same way most people do) their emotional reactions are in line with what they perceived. So the way in which we react to their emotions becomes a second nature to us, and often is dysregulated as well. Example: I tell Lauren no she can't hang out with friends because her homework isn't done. She hears it as you are stupid, you can't even do your homework. This makes her first feel sad, them shameful, then mad --because she can't handle sad or shame. Anger wins and with anger comes attacking. So she yells at me and reacts as though I had insulted her and defamed her. That makes me angry and I yell back, and it becomes personal and it escalates. So the trick is to be able to detach her reaction from mine. Not so easy, but something I have to work on.
The list was here. It is very informative in helping to understand her reactions to things.
1. All time is in the present. If something makes me feel bad now, it is linked directly to the greatest pain I ever experienced -- and that pain is happening now too. Time can't heal any wounds because time never really passes. everything - past, present and future in NOW.
2. If I do something I feel is wrong, I am unworthy of living. Therefore, admitting I am wrong - or that I did something to hurt someone - feels like committing suicide. I don't really want to die, so I can't acknowledge I am wrong, even to myself.
3. I am wrong means I AM wrong. It's not about what I did, it's about who I am. This is also true of other people. If they do/did something wrong, they are unfixable. If I do/did something wrong I am broken.
4. I am constantly being judged by people who don't understand my situation, including myself. And the penalty for being judged as being wrong is death. See #2
5. Memories are the files in the mental cabinet. But because i am always being judged, I need to use those files like a lawyer. Therefor only the memories that suit my current feeling will be called up. Those that present evidence that contradicts what I am feeling will not be considered admissible, or they will be doctored to preserve my innocence. Again it is and matter of life or death.
6. I am like a ship with a thin, fragile hull. Any hole will sink me. Therefore anything that approaches near enough is a danger and must be kept away at all costs.
7. Everyone is just an extension of me - so if I can't control them, it means I can't control myself. Likewise when someone steps outside my control I lose control.
8. I cannot bear pain - therefore I must find someone else to bear it for me. If they don't take my pain I will be crushed literally.
9. If I take responsibility for making something happen, I will have to deal with disappointment. At some point, it won't work and that means I will have been wrong, which will feel like death, so I can't risk responsibility.
10. Relationships are attractive, but will end in disappointment. They are like cigarettes and drugs, soothing at first but they'll kill you. This makes them toxic.
11.I was abused and need shelter. But whatever shelter I run to, they will eventually abuse me, so I must be constantly on guard. If I let my guard down I will be abused again. There is only one thing that leads to abuse -- trust.
12. Asking me to be calm in the face of what I see is danger is like asking the scarecrow to not be afraid when the Wicked Witch hold up the burning broom.
13. Thought is reality. If I think of something it is already done. If someone else mention something they have already made it happen.
14. Anyone who wants something wants it right now, including me. All needs must be satisfied instantly, or something is wrong. And wrong means death.
15. I would never hurt me or anyone else. Therefore is that occurs it mean someone other than me did it.
16. The way the world works is cause and effect. If I feel a certain way, I will find a cause for it that does not involve me, because otherwise I would be judged as wrong and wrong is death.
17. Other people created the shame I carry. Therefore only other people can remove it. I was rendered powerless to do anything about it. I need them to make me better.
18. The world is how I feel. Anything that does not reflect/support my feeling must be annihilated. When it comes to feelings and ideas other than what I experience I am like the taliban. Those who threaten me must be removed from y midst.
19. If you agree with me you agree with my feelings, which ARE me. If you disagree with me, you disagree with my feelings which are me, which makes ME wrong.
20. There is not greater weakness than vulnerability. Open yourself up and you will e exposed. if you are exposed you must rely on trust which is the cause of abuse.
So everything is rooted in the present, and my feelings are me, and if I am wrong then I AM wrong. Even if actual abuse hasn't happened, and emotional invalidation feels like it because it invalidates their very nature of being.
This actually helps me understand of lot of why she acts as she does, but it is so had to know how to help. And the few tips I do have and am trying are slow in working. Hopefully this book will help.
Samantha
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Bad Parenting - we are the experts
So last night after Lauren gets out of her personal session with her therapist I ask her what they talked about. She never tells me details just ideas, which is okay. I would like more, but at least she is sharing a little. She tells me, while I've taken her a nice place to eat, that she isn't going to tell me anymore. She and her therapist think that I over react to everything she says and take all of the therapists advice to the extreme. She has no privacy whatsoever and this is private and she doesn't have to tell and is not going to. She is not in therapy for us, she is in therapy for her. Our only job is to pay for it.
Lauren has said many things before so I am not sure any of this is true of not. However...... In my own defense I would like to say.... Dealing with her on a day to day basis is very difficult. She gets away with more than any of our other kids. We allow her freedoms that our other kids would never dream of having. On top of this she has the least responsibility of anyone in our home, including her 10 year old brother. I run her places, buy her stuff, even when she has overspent her allowance. I try to show her daily how much I love her, and it is never enough. I try to spend 1/2 hour with her, just talking, visiting, doing homework, or whatever, and she claims it is intrusive and that we need less time together. She does not share with us. Yes, we search her room. I have found stolen medications in there. Hoarded medications in there, razor blades in there, pot pipes. So no she doesn't have that privacy. Same with Facebook and e-mail. Both have been used too many times for sexting, creating drama, or suicide threats, or even searching for ways to commit suicide. So no, she has no privacy there. Yes we monitor her phone. Sex has been an issue for her, along with just plain drama, and her phone has been a major instigator of a lot of that. Even though she is not supposed to erase texts - she does often, and yet she still has her phone. It we take it away it is because we are unreasonable.
Power Struggles. Essentially Lauren thinks that in a power struggle the point is to let her have her way. She says she is willing to reach some middle ground. Well it depends on the thing to begin with. If we don't feel firmly about it, she usually gets her way just to avoid a power struggle. The only time there is one, is when we stand our ground. And then we are to meet her half way, which isn't a solution, it is just her always getting her way.
I have three boys. One with ADD and learning disabilities, one with ADD, who is finding his introduction to teenage hood difficult as his parents are constantly trying to put out fires created by his sister, and have little time or patience left over for normal teenage drama, and a younger son with ADHD. I am stretched thin, and when Lauren doesn't get what she wants, right now, this instant, she throws a fit, and throws up the you don't care, or love me card. Then she proceeds to make everyone's life as miserable as possible. My husband is working many hours right now. As this is his first year on the job, he needs to prove his worth, and is often not home to deal with the kids or issues. The few times he does step in is when it is so out of control for me that I can't deal with it. Lauren and his relationship is pretty much in a shambles regardless of his love and care for her. I am stretched to my limit, and am finding it hard to just keep up with the day to day issues myself.
I try to apply what we have talked about, and then I get messages like today that we are stifling her freedoms, and privacy and have no right to information regarding her treatment. I agree she is not in therapy for us, but for her. However that doesn't mean that we don't want to help her. I love my daughter immensely. More than she will ever understand, but she is hurting me more that she knows, and it is taking its effects not only in my mental health but in my physical health as well. I have chronic Kidney Disease and in the last few months my creatinine levels have risen a lot. Stress is not good for my kidneys, but I am at a loss as to how to prevent it given what we are dealing with constantly.
If you want to know the truth. I am at a loss as to what to do next. I think things are going along for a week or so okay and then she drops a bomb like this in my lap. It seems to me that if I suggest some way to help Lauren with her therapy, it makes it an automatic thing NOT to do. If I feel she would benefit from some program or activity, then she definitely WON"T. She says we don't care about her and only try to control her life so ours don't look bad. In response I see a girl who if she doesn't' get what she wants, when she wants, throws tizzy fits, makes everyones life miserable, and has an attitude of it's my way or go to hell. No one else's desires or wants in this life matter except for hers.
While I realize that a lot of this is from years of negative self talking, and from bad thinking patterns that came as a result of certain abusive situations, and I can understand that, it doesn't make the attacks any less hurtful. There is not a day go by that I don't get told she hates me. Not a day that she doesn't yell at me. That she says I am intrusive because I would like to be aware of what is happening in her life. And the worst things she keeps saying is that she needs time away from us to solve her problems and the expects us to find someone to take her. No one on either sides of our family would be willing to take her. They have seen how she acts. Furthermore, I don't see how her being away from family repairs the family situation at all.
Anyway....... I do think I need to know what the appointment is about so I can help her with it during the week. She never gives me details and even if I asked she wouldn't. I'm not asking for a play by play. I am asking for what did you talk about, what kids of solutions did you come up with and how can we implement them.
Most of all I am tired of being the excuse for her miserable life. I am tired of being made to feel like a terrible parent when I am trying to care for her and help her.
Samantha
--
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Havoc for the Holidays
We had quite the upheaval over the holidays. It all started with pot pipes, and suicide notes and body piercings. Things calmed down a little and we headed to Utah to visit family. Upheaval again. Refusal to obey simple basic family rules. So our lovely Lauren decided that living somewhere else would be the way to go. We allowed her to leave. She found a friend's mom to stay with for a few days. Eventually she decided that she wanted to come back home and that the rules weren't that bad. Although we let her go, we were worried about her the whole time. And even more we missed her. Christmas has always been such a huge traditional thing in our family, and not having her there for games with family, seeing the lights at Christmas Village, the traditional pizza party, and such was heart breaking. I missed her and worried about her. I still enjoyed all of the activities with family and friends, and still tried to make it a nice time for my other kids, but I worried and missed her. I was so glad when she decided she wanted to return to live with us.
The next few days were great. Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was. She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family. I got a beautiful ornament she made. And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in. She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever. I think she made it so, for us and her. Everyone got a gift and a note about how they were an influence of good in her life. It was very nice and very thoughtful. When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart. I have said she has a good heart and it is so true. She brought a lot of joy to people this day. And I think she was truly happy as well.
After Christmas she made some bad choices. The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home". When asked why, she said to escape her life. Drugs aren't just a flirtation. She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem. Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note. And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note. I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile. We were finally able to work things out with her granny. Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on. She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough. Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds. It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month. Those stolen can't be replaced. Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.
The second bad choice. Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren. They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful. In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once. That is over 500 mg of Morphine. She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER. They immediately put her on an anti-opiate. The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating. She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing. Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again. So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.
I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed. At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in. You are so angry that this has happened again. You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead. You wonder how many times will she be lucky. You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it. You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it. Only her and the doctors that she interacts with. As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling. At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short. They have been getting shorter and shorter. What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better. A new surge of energy to succeed. The first time it was good two months afterwards. The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down. This time lasted about 2 days.
Ian and I went home. He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work. He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath. I feel isolated at those times. I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders. While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone. My sister was so good to me this time. She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day. Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life. We were lucky this time. They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist. Which she did. Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it. Only get to pay for it.
Again the next few days were fine. We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall. On the last day of being home it fell. Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa. We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused. She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her. He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her. She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him. He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened. She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard. Really hard. I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control. He insisted he wasn't. I knew she was hurt. She broke her collarbone. She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him. My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control. It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later. And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking. I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt. And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse. I can't handle that. I worry about that. Lauren has accused him of abuse before.
Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays. Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional. I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven. But so often home is not. Home is a battle ground. I hate it. It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers. We are all scarred from it. But how do you change it. What more can one do. We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of. We strive to live religious standards in our home. We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities. And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken. You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.
Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do. I know that Ian is. I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach. I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that. Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings. I know that God loves her. I know he can help her if she will let him.
In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season. The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me. Their support and love means so much to me. To not feel alone in this struggle. I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home. I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others. Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.
After we got home, things calmed down a bit. We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school. She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself. The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here. She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well. It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through. She is such a good person at heart. I wish it would always shine through. I wish she could always see it. I wish she could always feel it. I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.
I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I do know without them I would be lost. I am also grateful for Ian. He is my rock. I love him more than anything. I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me. And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys. I am glad in spite of it all to have my family. I just need to remember that!
Love Samantha
The next few days were great. Lauren wanted it to be a special Christmas and it was. She spent every day after getting back making personal hand made gifts for everyone in her family. I got a beautiful ornament she made. And also a golden decorated box to keep momentos in. She wrote me a small note about how she wanted this to be the best Christmas ever. I think she made it so, for us and her. Everyone got a gift and a note about how they were an influence of good in her life. It was very nice and very thoughtful. When she is not being controlled by emotions Lauren is such a sweet heart. I have said she has a good heart and it is so true. She brought a lot of joy to people this day. And I think she was truly happy as well.
After Christmas she made some bad choices. The first was to steal some of her Granny's medication, "For the purpose of getting high once she got home". When asked why, she said to escape her life. Drugs aren't just a flirtation. She isn't addicted physically to them, but she does have a problem. Her granny was so hurt after having had such a beautiful note. And the funny thing is she still means the note, but she doesn't see how stealing meds would make one doubt the truthfulness of the note. I understand that the note was truthful, and still is, but it is hard to reconcile. We were finally able to work things out with her granny. Ian and I bought a drug safe that all of Granny's meds will go in from now on. She had been locking her door, but obviously that wasn't enough. Now there is no chance that Lauren can get to her meds. It hurt Granny not only because she stole her meds, but because Granny is in a lot of pain and only gets so many meds a month. Those stolen can't be replaced. Also it hurts her when Lauren hurts herself with those med, which she did.
The second bad choice. Some girls from home were writing some truly nasty things on face-book about Lauren. They got reported for cyber bullying but the things they wrote were so inappropriate and hurtful. In a fit of emotion and impulsivity Lauren took all the meds she had stolen from Granny all at once. That is over 500 mg of Morphine. She finally told us and we rushed her to the ER. They immediately put her on an anti-opiate. The problem with this med, isn't that it makes her tired, which it does, but that it stops her heart from beating. She hadn't taken enough for that, but she had taken enough that it stops her autonomic system, so every time she would go to sleep she would stop breathing. Her oxygen levels would go way down and the alarms would go off waking her up again. So they kept her in the ICU overnight while watching and making sure she was on oxygen the whole time.
I hope you never have to experience what it feels like to be sitting in the ER wondering if this time your daughter really did it and would succeed. At the same time once the urgency passes and you know she will be okay, other than maybe heart damage, you have this feeling of relief that she will be okay, and then the disappointment, anger and despair set in. You are so angry that this has happened again. You are angry she did this and refused to talk to you instead. You wonder how many times will she be lucky. You wonder if this will ever go away and if you can continue to deal with it. You wonder if they will release her this time back to you or take her away for her own safety, and you realize you have no control over any of it. Only her and the doctors that she interacts with. As a parent it leaves you powerless and that is such a despairing feeling. At the same time you wonder if the honeymoon (the stage that comes after the attempt, a great stage) is going to last long or short. They have been getting shorter and shorter. What that essentially means is that afterwards she is feeling so loved, and scared that she does all she can to be good, and make things better. A new surge of energy to succeed. The first time it was good two months afterwards. The second time about 6 weeks, and each one has gone down. This time lasted about 2 days.
Ian and I went home. He has a tendency to avoid difficult issues by drawing into work. He did so again, and I am left to handle the aftermath. I feel isolated at those times. I feel like the whole word is on my shoulders. While I know having him there would probably cause more damage than good as he is frustrated and upset, I feel as though I have to carry the weight alone. My sister was so good to me this time. She insisted I go to lunch with her before going to see Lauren the next day. Her caring and love really helped me to find the strength to go back and face the doctors and Lauren in the hospital and hear their decisions for her life. We were lucky this time. They recognized Lauren's issues and released her to me, with the caveat that she stay with me or a responsible party for he next few days and that she have an immediate Skype therapy session with her therapist. Which she did. Otherwise they could have insisted she go to residential there because of the danger she presents to herself, and we would have not say in it. Only get to pay for it.
Again the next few days were fine. We visited family and got along and things were good, though I know Lauren was still feeling insecure. And I must admit to being on edge and wondering when the other shoe would fall. On the last day of being home it fell. Lauren refused to go to visit her Great Grandpa. We told her this was a family tradition and not optional and she refused. She stalked out of the house, and Ian stalked after her. He brought her back in the house with his arms around her carrying her. She was screaming all sorts of things at him, swearing, kicking, scratching and digging him. He was trying to get her to the floor when I don't know what happened. She kicked him hard, and he was turning her to get her feet out from under her, and essentially what happened regardless of intention, was that she was thrown on the floor and hard. Really hard. I got upset at Ian and told him he was out of control. He insisted he wasn't. I knew she was hurt. She broke her collarbone. She was completely out of control and carried on. Ian has scratches and dig marks and bruises all over him. My family was upset at me because they said I wasn't supporting Ian, when Lauren is out of control. It wasn't that I wasn't supporting him, but I didn't want him to hurt her, and he would feel guilty about it later. And I do think when emotions run so high we tend to act without thinking. I don't think he intended to hurt her, but she was hurt. And I am afraid that some day this may continue and there may come a time when he really hurts her without meaning to, even in protecting himself, and he may be arrested for abuse. I can't handle that. I worry about that. Lauren has accused him of abuse before.
Anyway...... It was a rotten way to end the holidays. Now everyone in the family knows what we go through regularly, and it feels like we are so dysfunctional. I always and still do strive to have an eternal family where home is a haven. But so often home is not. Home is a battle ground. I hate it. It hurts me and it hurts Ian, and Lauren, and her brothers. We are all scarred from it. But how do you change it. What more can one do. We are providing her with the best professionals and medication we know of. We strive to live religious standards in our home. We try to have family time, and good, fun, wholesome, activities. And yet in spite of all that.... we are broken. You can't imagine what hurt it causes me to admit that my family is broken, and that all I strive for seems for naught.
Deep down I know that I am doing the best I can do. I know that Ian is. I know that we haven't given up and we continue to love and try and set boundaries, and teach. I know that Lauren is struggling, and feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I know that her feelings of shame and self hatred are extreme, but I don't know how to change that. Only she can change that and the process is so slow, and there are so many back slidings. I know that God loves her. I know he can help her if she will let him.
In spite of all the upheaval, it was a good Christmas and Holiday Season. The time I spent with family and friends was a tremendous joy and happiness for me. Their support and love means so much to me. To not feel alone in this struggle. I know they help her and mean the world to her as well, and I think she too enjoyed this time at home. I think this Christmas in one she will remember for years, and not because of the upheaval, but because of her joy in giving of herself so openly and willingly to others. Because of her joy in wanting to put others first.
After we got home, things calmed down a bit. We got Laren settled in her new school, an online school. She still goes to a school to work, but does it all on a computer mostly by herself. The drama that is reduced in her life should be helpful, and her ability to make up her lost credits from last Semester are greater here. She seems to have turned over a new leaf for right now, and is doing really well. It has been nice having her around and having her personality shine through. She is such a good person at heart. I wish it would always shine through. I wish she could always see it. I wish she could always feel it. I worry about the next shoe falling, but am trying to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the present and live for the happiness of it.
I am so grateful for family, for friends, for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I do know without them I would be lost. I am also grateful for Ian. He is my rock. I love him more than anything. I am glad I have him to go through this journey with me. And I love Lauren, just as much as my boys. I am glad in spite of it all to have my family. I just need to remember that!
Love Samantha
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