Why? Because you can't support my relationship, regardless of how happy it makes me. Because you can't support me as a person. Because you want me to be someone I'm not, and you will never accept me as the tattooed, pierced, cigarette smoking, Pansexual, Pagan, occasional weed smoking person I am. Because you expect me to be like you. Because you drag my future HUSBAND down to the point where he considers suicide, because 'that would be better for your family'. Because you have poisoned my own brothers minds against me. Because you are aware of my issues, yet you still think it's acceptable for Seth to tell me to kill myself. Because you think I should just let the shit that 'my family' has done to me go and forgive them, even tho most of your family is the biggest cause behind the vast majority of my suicide attempts. Because you are completely incapable of actually loving me for who I am.I received this e-mail last night, plus she posted some stuff on facebook, about how she is happier now than she has ever been and that we only ever tried to make her miserable. I was up a lot of the night trying to decide if I should reply or not. I don't think it would do any good. Not sure what set off the latest firestorm. But I finally decided to post my thoughts here.
1st. The e-mail really hurt. I know she is lashing out because she is hurt, and because rather than accept that her actions have a lot to do with her unhappiness it is safer for her to blame us for all of it. But it still hurts. I have tried to show my love to Lauren in a million ways. But all she can see right now is areas where I refuse to budge on my principles. Because I don't agree with her...I can't love her. But to love someone and try to show them over and over and have them spit it in your face, regardless of the situation is really hard.
2nd. I realize that I still have grieving to do on my own. I am a mother of one daughter. Wether it is right or not... You have a daughter and you have these dreams of things you are going to do together or things that will happen. Things like shopping together as best friends once they are older. Discussing their crushes. Planning a beautiful wedding and being happy and excited for that day. You want to share in their success as they move to adulthood. There first real job, Their graduation, their moving into their own place. I've tried to do those things, but the reality is so far from the expectation that it hurts. A lot of times I think we have dreams for out children that aren't theirs, and we can't force them on them. That wouldn't be right, so we adjust. I have no problem adjusting when it comes to many things, but certain ones I have a hard time with. I need to take some time to rethink and grieve for what can never be.
3rd. In some areas I am sure this e-mail is accurate. We do have a hard time accepting her piercings, tattoos, cigarette smoking, pansexual, pagan, weed smoking person. Let me first say I don't think excessive piercings and tattoos look nice. I think our bodies are made by God as he would want them, and that adding these things only distracts from our natural beauty. However that doesn't mean I think people with them are bad, or evil, or any such thing. I am sure, even though I don't know a lot of people that have them, that they are loving and kind, and good people. I am also sure that in a lot of cases the young adults who are getting these are doing it as a rebellious statement (simply to fight against society or parents etc). I am not a fan of stereotypes, and try to not apply them to individuals, but the fact is that stereotypes exist for a reason. There is a lot of truth behind them or they wouldn't exist. It is true that a lot of people in jail have tattoos and piercings. Those who live on the edge do things on the edge. Of course not all of them. But a lot. the problem with Lauren is...... Her disorder leads her to follow whatever group she finds acceptance. If they are stealing, she'll steal, if they are drinking she'll drink. If they are breaking the law so will she. If they are abusing drugs, so will she. She isn't someone who can associate with a style and not involve herself in it fully. Thus it isn't a fashion statement or an expression of who she is, but a way of life. And not a good one. The second problem for her is that in order to truly move forward in life..... As unfair as it may be.... she will have to conform to some standard of normal. If you look at the majority of successful people in the world (and yes I'm talking job here), the way they look drives perceptions. People are more likely to trust someone clean shaven than someone edgy. Not fair I know. But like I said stereotypes exist for a reason. Sure you can try to change them... but it will be a long battle and in the meantime what do you do? The cigarette smoking speaks for itself. Of course I don't want it. Everyone knows it is bad for you, besides it stinks terribly. Weed smoking.... well that speaks for itself too. Just because there is a law saying it is legal doesn't mean it is good for you. People can get drunk too, but that isn't healthy. You make stupid decisions when you let some chemical like that control you. Of course I am against it.
The pagan thing. I am biased. But that doesn't mean I can't accept another religion. I have a hard time with paganism though as it seems to involve a lot of mysticism. I know there are good things to it as well, but when I listened to Lauren talking with others about these pagan spirits that influence her and cause her to act certain ways I just think that is another way of blaming your actions on someone or something else. As I have mentioned before we are Mormon. She was raised as a Mormon. And one of the teachings was freedom of choice. No one can force you to act in certain ways or do certain things. You have a choice as to what you do.... however the outcome is based on that choice and you don't get to choose to deny or accept that after you have made a choice. For example if someone is sexually active with many partners during their youth, and later repents of it and is forgiven, the sin is no longer there. However if they develop Aids later in life that has nothing to do with their not repenting but has everything to do with their choices. It is not a punishment. It is a consequence. while I know that a lot of Lauren's choices are controlled by her emotions..... and I truly believe that in a lot of circumstances she is incapable of making other choices to blame those choices on some protective spirit... well I have a hard time with it.
I realize that Mormonism is very difficult for Lauren because it does make us responsible for our actions. She tries and fails, and fails and fails and that just means she is bad in her eyes. But that isn't how I see it. I don't see God as cruel. He is very aware of her issues. He knows what she can and cannot control. I think he is pleased that she continues to try no matter how many times she fails. I wish I could give her the peace I find in the knowledge the gospel brings. But she is so set against it.... and members are partially to blame ( and probably us indirectly) that she will have nothing to do with it. Does that hurt? It does. It is the most important thing in my life and to have her reject it hurts. But it also hurts because I think it is the one thing that can save her.
Pansexual. Well of course I'm against it. I believe that sexual relationships should exist only in marriage and that marriage as defined by God is between a man and a woman. So can I accept ..... Of course. But do I condone? No. However.... In all of my research on relationships for young people with bpd, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with the relationship. And as I look at Lauren's relationships....although there have been girls, her major relationships are always guys.
I think the problem she has is one that a lot of people have. If you don't agree with me you can't respect or love me. There are many people in the world I don't agree with. Over many issues. That doesn't mean I can't love them. Just because I am not willing to lower my standards, or change my beliefs does not mean that we cannot understand each other or love each other. But she can't see it that way. I suppose she does see the standards we live as judgements on her choices. Not that we try to judge her, but we are not willing to change those. I often find it funny that people expect us to change our standards for them. Someone doesn't go into a catholic church and say I am methodist and want to go to church here so you need to change the way you do things so I can feel comfortable. No ... they would be told to go to a methodist church. If you go to the catholic church you do things the way the catholics do. We have the same standards in our home. We are Mormon. We live our religion and standards. You don't have to, but when you are in your home you don't come in saying we should allow you to drink, to smoke, to use drugs, to use foul language. If you want to do that you have to go somewhere else. And Lauren sees that as rejection, which it really isn't.
That is the first part of my thoughts. I will continue with the rest of the message later. This post is too long as it is.
