Insights

I started seeing a therapist myself about 3 months ago.  I found that I was depressed, and really couldn't handle any stress.  Things just got to be too much.  It's kind of funny, but dealing with someone dysfunctional makes one become dysfunctional.  It takes someone with a strong constitution to not be affected by everything being their fault, and them not loving their child enough, or being enough.  Sometimes it is very wearing.    Anyway..... things have been going much better since, and I think in a couple more visits I will be okay for a while.  I may need to go back from time to time, but I think it will be okay.

On our last visit I was kind of in a quandary.  Lauren has been cutting a lot lately, and as her parent I am torn as to what is my responsibility.  In the past if I have found a razor I have taken them and thrown them away in the outside garbage.  But then she is always mad at me and complaining about how I take away her coping mechanisms etc.  On the one hand I want to keep her safe, but she always manages to get more razors and continues to cut.  Should I be taking them?  We talked a lot about it, that it is my job to protect her, but I can't really protect her, she knows we don't like that she cuts.  She knows that we disapprove  She has been taught that it isn't helpful.  She knows all this... Now it is her turn to use it.  My therapist suggested that we never mention razors or cutting.  If we see one, leave it there.  Give her no attention in this area.  She says when she has patients that cut, she refuses to  talk about it when they have done it.  She says it only reinforces the cycle they are in.  She cuts to find relief  temporary, but then it causes us to be kinder and more concerned so she is rewarded in a backwards sort of way.  By making it a non issue, she gets no rewards from it.  We can acknowledge when she brings it up, but tell her we aren't talking about that issue, because she already knows our opinion, and she has to do what she needs to.

It is so counter intuitive.  When someone is hurting you want to comfort them, but in this case they are hurting themselves and the comfort is a reward.  She mentioned that suicide attempts are the same to an extent.  If she does try, take her to the emergency room and leave her there alone.  Don't visit, or give her our attention.  Better yet call the cops and have them take her.  Otherwise ignore it so she doesn't get a reward from it.  It is hard to do this at times, but I have seen how she perks up and becomes so happy in the hospital after an attempt, because she is getting our undivided attention.  The staff to, sort of.  Anymore, especially here, they stick them in a guarded wing and only come to check vitals and such.  No personal attention.  That is good.

She mentioned again, that really all we can do is  be the bow and try to shoot straight.  It is up to the arrow to go where it goes.  I know that is what the gospel teaches us.  Teach them good principles, and she has, and they are in there, and then let her go where she needs.  Let her choices be a non issue for us.  They are her issues, not ours.  Turn it over to God, and stop taking it back.  It has provided a lot of peace for me this week.  I know I will probably need to revisit this as I am so bad at it, but it is true.  We have taught her what we could, and we love her and accept her, but her choices are hers, and she has to live with them, not us! -- Samantha

What BPD feels like

I came across this and it is excellent at describing in a brief nutshell what poor Lauren experiences on a daily basis.  She is a  wonderful person.  I pray she can find that in herself!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8

Downward Spiral

The past few weeks I have watched as Lauren has been on a downward spiral.  It went much faster than expected.  She went from upbeat and happy to irritated, and then taking offense at everything, being the victim, everyone hating her and disliking her, reading peoples minds and personalizing everything.  It was never outward expressed violently as in the past, but more of a slow spiral with nothing major happening, until it happened.  About a week ago she told her boyfriend that she was cutting and suicidal.  He tried to talk to me and she refused.  So they called 911, and they called me.  She was out on a walk by that time.  Then she disappeared   They called the cops and we spent most of the night looking for her.    When she came home the next day she was covered in cuts on her legs and arms, about 200-300 I would guess.  She had taken some razor blades and cut herself everywhere.  I can't fathom how that makes one feel better.  Logically I have read about it, but emotionally I just don't get it.  Anyway...... The cops came and told her she either had to go to her therapist or she had to go to the hospital.  she was in an ornery mood and refused to talk to anyone including a therapist so I took her to the hospital and they put her in an acute ward until Yesterday.  She was upset about being there, but she also refused to talk or work to stop the downward spiral.

It is amazing how she goes to the ER and she perks up.  She is happy and upbeat, and it is evident that she craves attention and now she has it.  She knows everyone cares and loves her.  If is a self fulfilling wish, and yet such a dangerous one.  Even at the hospital for the first day or so it is the same, everyone concerned about Lauren... so she is so happy.  Then she realizes that it is gonna take work and that it is just their job and she hates it.  One would think she could remember that before she does something crazy.  I don't hink hospitalization does any good for her.  It fulfills her wants and wishes, even if they aren't conscious.

She came home yesterday and everything seems normal again like nothing ever happened.  I hope this time though she remembers that a lot of the coping skills she has been using are not good for her.  They aren't even skills, just a way of managing, but they only add to the problem and her guilt in the downward spiral.

I've learned some things from this last attempt, so I guess it hasn't been useless.  I need to stop shielding my other kids from all of the damage she causes, and the pain.  They need to be able to experience compassion and kindness and caring.   They can't do that if I am always shielding them from her actions and problems. And I need to accept that it is okay to cry, to weep, to be sad, to hurt, and that perhaps she needs to see that as well.She needs to realize that her actions affect more than just her.

I hope we are now on an upward swing.  She was doing well for so long.......  Hopefully this is just a blip and we continue up again.  I pray that is the case.

Samantha