The last few days, mainly a week have gone pretty well with Lauren. I think she has seen a little of where she is heading and realizing she doesn't want to go there. Her friendship with a girl around here has taken a hiatus and that is good. She was not good for Lauren at all. Very enabling and they both used each other terribly. I know it leaves Lauren lonely, but if she can fill her time with uplifting things I am sure she can get a lot of her "good" friends back. I know she feels that I think if all her friends were mormon things would be fine, but that isn't true. I have a lot of friends that aren't mormon. The real issue right now is she needs someone with a strong base who won't be swayed or put up with some of the stuff she does.
She seems to have made up with her cousin, which is good. They have been pretty close their whole lives and the last few months (year) have been pretty dicey. They have been texting and face-booking a lot which I am very glad for. Lauren really needs some support and her cousin is a good influence.
Her relationship with her siblings is a little better right now. Mainly because her actions are more stable. I have certainly liked having her around a bit more. I have noticed since she started this new medicine she isn't near as angry. I hope it really has an effect on her and works. We have talked about her getting a new therapist. She likes her old one, but she let's Lauren get away with too much, and there are no set deadlines. She feels like she does better when her therapist calls her out on her behavior. She could be right.
All in all things are okay. I am still waiting for her to make some major change, but who knows if or when that will come. I know she is struggling with some decisions right now, and she puts things like that off and off. I wish I knew of a way to reach her and help her more than I can. I sure do love her.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Frustration
The last few weeks have been so overwhelming. Everyone says (books, therapists, experts) that it will get worse before it gets better. How much worse can it get? I already am so frustrated at trying to deal with her.
Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1. Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus. They want her to deal with her issues before coming back! (HAHA). I can't force her out, or get her out before then. Then she isn't tired come bed time. Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room. it is 12. I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with. Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew. I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here. She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her. Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home. It's 1 AM. I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door. She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that. Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't. So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.
I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult. For all of us. I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it. All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble. And that is the honest truth!!!! She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share. She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings. She is just so difficult to live with. God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now. I am strung really thin right now.
She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her. I didn't but sometimes it is so hard. And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her. There is just no winning no matter what I do.
Everyday is a struggle. She won't get out of bed till about 1. Unless she is working and since her last suicide attempt working is on a hiatus. They want her to deal with her issues before coming back! (HAHA). I can't force her out, or get her out before then. Then she isn't tired come bed time. Tonight I couldn't sleep so went to check on her and she isn't in her room. it is 12. I text her -- She is talking to a friend I said no sleep over with. Then she tells me this friend can't go home because she missed curfew. I simply said, that legally her parents have to let her in, if they don't I'd call the cops to assist her, but she wasn't staying here. She doesn't come home till I threaten to call the police on her. Then she brings the friend here and expects me to take her home. It's 1 AM. I said no, and essentially pushed her out the door. She isn't a good friend for Lauren anyway..... but I am tired of being manipulated into things like that. Lauren is always saying that I say things I don't. So anymore I am keeping a record of it, and not being put in a corner.
I love her goodness knows, but dealing with her is so difficult. For all of us. I realize she has an illness, but oft times she uses it as a manipulation tool and I am so tired of it. All she does lately for the last 2-3 months is sleep, eat, (Work if she has it), attempt, threaten suicide and get in trouble. And that is the honest truth!!!! She hasn't lifted a finger in helping around the house, or doing her share. She complains about family togetherness and trips and outings. She is just so difficult to live with. God better give me some strength because I am really needing it right now. I am strung really thin right now.
She was even calm tonight, which is a switch, but I was ready to yell, scream, and just release all of it on her. I didn't but sometimes it is so hard. And on top of all of this, instead of seeing my actions as putting up with it, being concerned because I love her, all she will see is that I am frustrated because I must hate her. There is just no winning no matter what I do.
Monday, July 9, 2012
What is right?
I have recently had a dilemma in how to deal with Lauren. Things have not changed much. In fact just last week she took all of my Ambien that was left out for a few minutes. You have to take a LOT of ambien to overdose, so all she really did is sleep for two days straight. When she has good days they are wonderful days, if she is a bit hyper happy. But when she doesn't the reactions are so overblown and reactive. It is really quite sad. I worry about her only having two moods lately. Either hyper happy, or in the pits and angry.
The dilemma comes up in how to raise (Or try to raise her) and how to advise our other children interact with her. I am sure I take the overly caring way, but in what I do I try to react as much as possible as Heavenly Father would. He doesn't give us special blessings when we are not living righteously, but he doesn't quit loving or understanding us, and he is always there with a hug or at least a feeling of a hug when we need it. I try to live that was with Lauren. Even though there are many things she has done that disappoint us or I know lead to her unhappiness I try to still be there for her. Ian not so much. He doesn't believe change will happen until she decides to make it so. I agree with that, but I think our unwavering love is the thing that will lead her to make the change. He feels that she really needs to hit bottom before she will change. He tends to call her out on her mistakes more than I do, and expect recompense.
The problem as I see it is that she feels like he hates her. I know that he is only trying to protect the boys from all of the damage that Lauren can cause. Her brother was asking about how to deal with certain things and Ian said he should just not hang around her much. I disagree completely. I think Lauren really needs her brother and that he is a help to her. I do however see that he has been doing some thing like Lauren. But that isn't her fault as much as it is his. Anyway...... Ian wants to protect the boys and I do to, but not at the expense of Lauren. Which of us is right I don't know. I wish there was a bit more peace about it. Anyway.... Lauren is back at work tomorrow, so I hope things go well, and she remains a great employee!
The dilemma comes up in how to raise (Or try to raise her) and how to advise our other children interact with her. I am sure I take the overly caring way, but in what I do I try to react as much as possible as Heavenly Father would. He doesn't give us special blessings when we are not living righteously, but he doesn't quit loving or understanding us, and he is always there with a hug or at least a feeling of a hug when we need it. I try to live that was with Lauren. Even though there are many things she has done that disappoint us or I know lead to her unhappiness I try to still be there for her. Ian not so much. He doesn't believe change will happen until she decides to make it so. I agree with that, but I think our unwavering love is the thing that will lead her to make the change. He feels that she really needs to hit bottom before she will change. He tends to call her out on her mistakes more than I do, and expect recompense.
The problem as I see it is that she feels like he hates her. I know that he is only trying to protect the boys from all of the damage that Lauren can cause. Her brother was asking about how to deal with certain things and Ian said he should just not hang around her much. I disagree completely. I think Lauren really needs her brother and that he is a help to her. I do however see that he has been doing some thing like Lauren. But that isn't her fault as much as it is his. Anyway...... Ian wants to protect the boys and I do to, but not at the expense of Lauren. Which of us is right I don't know. I wish there was a bit more peace about it. Anyway.... Lauren is back at work tomorrow, so I hope things go well, and she remains a great employee!
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