It has been more than a year, about a year and 1/2 since I last posted. Lots and lots has occurred. Lauren got pregnant and lost the baby. The D&C went poorly and she had to have a second operation. She was in the hospital at the same time my mother was, and it was hectic. Lauren got engaged. She and her boyfriend, Quinn, lived with us for a while. Then they moved back to his grandma's house. They have lived there since. She and Quinn got married this past May. She is happy and he is happy. At least as happy as they ever were. We have a nice wedding ceremony for them and a reception here at our house. They still fight and I can't say they are the happiest of couples, but they understand and know each other and went into this marriage with open eyes. We told them both that Marriage was forever and not something you get out of when your angry or let things slide. You have to work on it and make it work. Lauren doesn't come around as much as I wish she would. We have a good, but distant relationship. She calls whenever she needs help or there is a problem. She comes when she needs something, or wants to do something with us. She never comes just to visit.
Both she and Quinn have jobs right now. I hope and pray they keep them because they need them. Emotionally I see a lot of growth in Lauren. As far as I know she is off drugs. The only drug she was on was marijuana, and right now she is clean. I know she would like to move back to Colorado where it is legal. She hasn't tried to commit suicide in quite some time, and she has gotten a lot better at calming down and apologizing for her over reactions. She isn't set off quite as easily either. Of course I'm not with her everyday, not even regularly, so not sure if things have changed a lot, or it's just the not day to day thing.
My relationship with her is much better. Her dad's relationship with her is better, though she is still constantly wanting his approval. She has a great relationship with her youngest brother, Chase. Stilted with Seth, in fact I think she likes Seth the least. And a passing relationship with Ben. I think Ben is pretty amazing. He has forgiven Lauren for so many issues she caused and he ended up being punished for. He doesn't go out of his way to interact with her, but he never avoids her. Seth doesn't avoid her either, but he isn't good about keeping his opinion to himself and sticking up for himself, and he doesn't take anything from her, so it's a tense relationship and she is sure that he is constantly judging her. For the most part they all get along. Better than it was. She went on a trip with us as a family to Disneyworld and that was nice. All of my kids together for one last hurrah. It went okay too. No fighting, no issues. Our family is doing better.
There are still things that Lauren is stuck in. Things like pushing people away. Things like blaming everyone else. Things like deliberately not trying so failure won't hurt. But in lots of way she has progressed and moved forward. I am proud of her. I love her.
So...... After she lost the baby it was hard. It's funny.... I went from not wanting it, to feeling really badly that it was gone. But I do feel it was the best thing for the baby. She was not ready for a child and Neither was Quinn. From January till May Lauren was so happy. She was so excited to get married and she made a beautiful bride. I am happy for her. I think the wedding meant more to her than perhaps Quinn. I think she thought that now things would change. They were a couple so he was going to take care of her and become an adult, but that isn't how he was raised, and so I think there were some expectations that couldn't be reached. They seem to have worked through them though.
In March of this year her Granny died. She made it to the viewing, but the funeral was too much and she left. I have to admit that hurt as well. It was a hard day for me and I hoped she would be able to put her own needs aside for that time, but it worked out well anyway. I know she feels ostracized in the Mormon Community. Part of that is probably true, and part is not. Yes people do stare and they probably think things, but I really doubt they glare at her or treat her differently. Of course Lauren has one arm completely tattooed, and the other arm has a band. Two behind her ears, one on her neck and one on her leg. And probably more. She also has multiple piercings and gauges. You don't see those things often in Mormon churches, but I don't think people are rude. However they do probably stare. I often wonder though why she takes offense because she had to know when she did all this to her body that the reaction in a conservative community wasn't going to be great, you look good, and hurray for you. It's unusual and people notice. They are after all human. I must say I love her natural beauty more as well, but they are just things, they aren't her. She seems to think they are her though. But they aren't. They are simply things.
She turned 21 this past June. Legal in every way. I hope she realized everyday how special she is. How much she is loved. How many people are praying and cheering for her and for her success. She is making it and moving forward and I am proud of her for the progress she is making. She is striving, and that is all we all can do. If you still read this Lauren...... I LOVE YOU!!
Love Samantha
Monday, September 19, 2016
Monday, February 9, 2015
Can you really prepare for reality?
It has been some time since I posted last. Part of that has been purposeful. The past few months have been hard for Lauren and I hate to only post about bad things. A few weeks after the last post things went badly for Lauren. Her great grandpa died, and then two days later she was in a terrible crash with 4 of her friends. They were driving way to fast down a winding road and lost control of the car. they rolled and rolled. Two of the boys were killed. One was her best friend. It has been really hard on her.
In December her roommate went on vacation and Lauren got kicked out of the apartment. She had a new boyfriend, and moved in with him and his family. They spent most of December at his grandma's house. Recently they moved in with his uncle into their own room. At the grandma's they were sleeping in the front room. Christmas came and went and it was nice. She spent most of it with his family and I have to admit that hurt some. She thinks I don't understand and that what she was doing was more important as they were spending it with the family of one of the boys who died in the car crash. Her new boyfriend seems to understand her well, and he seems like a nice kid, I just wish he didn't do drugs.
In December Lauren thought she might be pregnant. She stopped taking her birth control. All of her tests came up negative. I even took her to Planned Parenthood and she got a test there that came back negative. Finally in January she went to the hospital with pains, and they confirmed that she was pregnant and about 6 weeks along. She was so excited. I was not. I don't think she is ready to be a mom. Even more she has proved it to me on multiple occasions. One thing is that she keeps insisting that she is not going to give up her marijuana because it doesn't cause any harm to the baby. She read one study that was for it. Every other one I have seen even on pro weed sites say we don't know what it does so it is best to just avoid it. But she won't listen to any of those and I am afraid she is really going to hurt the baby. She also hasn't stopped smoking yet. She is about 10 weeks along now, and knows it isn't good for the baby, but she hasn't quit. I don't think she will. And since it isn't illegal there is not much I can do. As far as the marijuana goes I want to report her to keep the baby safe, but she wouldn't be held long and then she would go back to using and cut me off. That wouldn't be good for the baby. I'm in a tough spot not knowing what is best to do. She has an appointment with an ultrasound next week.
I know I need to be happy for her at this point because being unhappy and disappointed won't help anyone. Especially our relationship or the baby, but ....it's hard. She's not ready for a baby, I'm afraid it will have drug damage, and I'm also afraid I will end up raising it. These are all things I have considered for many years as we knew this was a good possibility. I thought I had prepared myself for this pretty well. But when reality hits and you have to actually deal with things, when you have to make hard choices, and give up hopes that you have held on to, it is so different. Thus can you really prepare?
I know my relationship with Lauren is stilted. I know it is not what it should be, but it is hard to keep what I want from her to stop interfering with what is. I sometimes wonder how one can love unconditionally. I do love her, a lot, but I am disappointed. I miss the daughter I had, and even more the one I wanted. I miss being able to talk about normal things. Instead all of our conversations are uncomfortable about a party, or things that I think she knows I will disapprove of. I think she does it on purpose to keep from getting to close to me. I really don't know, I just know that we aren't at all close and I miss that.
I feel badly for the loss of being a proud grandparent and telling everyone she is pregnant. I feel badly about my family not feeling supportive or excited for her. I feel badly that the baby doesn't have a stable home, or married parents. I feel badly that I can't go to appointments with her and look forward to the babies birth. I feel for the baby not having parents that have jobs, and being raised in an environment where drugs are okay and cigarettes are fine, and his/her health is not of utmost concern. And for all of those things I have a hard time being supportive and excited and loving. I wish I didn't and I do try my best to do things for Lauren, to help the baby, but I'm not happy about it. I will try harder to bring my life in alignment with what is best for the baby and for my relationship with Lauren. Because wether I like it or not it is happening and I have to be able to help those that need me regardless of my personal beliefs, and especially if those beliefs are keeping me from being christlike.
Anyway...I know Lauren is scared and unsure and excited and she needs support. I hope and pray all the time that someone can get through to her since I don't seem to. I hope this baby will bring about good changes in her, help her to see that she has to put it first and care for others above herself. I have seen motherhood do that in others who were headed down a wrong path, hopefully it can help her as well.
Samantha
In December her roommate went on vacation and Lauren got kicked out of the apartment. She had a new boyfriend, and moved in with him and his family. They spent most of December at his grandma's house. Recently they moved in with his uncle into their own room. At the grandma's they were sleeping in the front room. Christmas came and went and it was nice. She spent most of it with his family and I have to admit that hurt some. She thinks I don't understand and that what she was doing was more important as they were spending it with the family of one of the boys who died in the car crash. Her new boyfriend seems to understand her well, and he seems like a nice kid, I just wish he didn't do drugs.
In December Lauren thought she might be pregnant. She stopped taking her birth control. All of her tests came up negative. I even took her to Planned Parenthood and she got a test there that came back negative. Finally in January she went to the hospital with pains, and they confirmed that she was pregnant and about 6 weeks along. She was so excited. I was not. I don't think she is ready to be a mom. Even more she has proved it to me on multiple occasions. One thing is that she keeps insisting that she is not going to give up her marijuana because it doesn't cause any harm to the baby. She read one study that was for it. Every other one I have seen even on pro weed sites say we don't know what it does so it is best to just avoid it. But she won't listen to any of those and I am afraid she is really going to hurt the baby. She also hasn't stopped smoking yet. She is about 10 weeks along now, and knows it isn't good for the baby, but she hasn't quit. I don't think she will. And since it isn't illegal there is not much I can do. As far as the marijuana goes I want to report her to keep the baby safe, but she wouldn't be held long and then she would go back to using and cut me off. That wouldn't be good for the baby. I'm in a tough spot not knowing what is best to do. She has an appointment with an ultrasound next week.
I know I need to be happy for her at this point because being unhappy and disappointed won't help anyone. Especially our relationship or the baby, but ....it's hard. She's not ready for a baby, I'm afraid it will have drug damage, and I'm also afraid I will end up raising it. These are all things I have considered for many years as we knew this was a good possibility. I thought I had prepared myself for this pretty well. But when reality hits and you have to actually deal with things, when you have to make hard choices, and give up hopes that you have held on to, it is so different. Thus can you really prepare?
I know my relationship with Lauren is stilted. I know it is not what it should be, but it is hard to keep what I want from her to stop interfering with what is. I sometimes wonder how one can love unconditionally. I do love her, a lot, but I am disappointed. I miss the daughter I had, and even more the one I wanted. I miss being able to talk about normal things. Instead all of our conversations are uncomfortable about a party, or things that I think she knows I will disapprove of. I think she does it on purpose to keep from getting to close to me. I really don't know, I just know that we aren't at all close and I miss that.
I feel badly for the loss of being a proud grandparent and telling everyone she is pregnant. I feel badly about my family not feeling supportive or excited for her. I feel badly that the baby doesn't have a stable home, or married parents. I feel badly that I can't go to appointments with her and look forward to the babies birth. I feel for the baby not having parents that have jobs, and being raised in an environment where drugs are okay and cigarettes are fine, and his/her health is not of utmost concern. And for all of those things I have a hard time being supportive and excited and loving. I wish I didn't and I do try my best to do things for Lauren, to help the baby, but I'm not happy about it. I will try harder to bring my life in alignment with what is best for the baby and for my relationship with Lauren. Because wether I like it or not it is happening and I have to be able to help those that need me regardless of my personal beliefs, and especially if those beliefs are keeping me from being christlike.
Anyway...I know Lauren is scared and unsure and excited and she needs support. I hope and pray all the time that someone can get through to her since I don't seem to. I hope this baby will bring about good changes in her, help her to see that she has to put it first and care for others above herself. I have seen motherhood do that in others who were headed down a wrong path, hopefully it can help her as well.
Samantha
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Happiness comes from inner peace and not things
I've watched Lauren these last few months from afar. She hasn't wanted much contact with us. I took her to lunch once, but that was it other than that a few facebook messages, meeting her at Wal-mart to buy her a cold-weather sleeping bag and getting her stuff from an apartment (without her presence or help). She had broken up with her other boyfriend and moved out of his apartment so we picked up her stuff and stored it in our garage. Since moving out of his apartment she has been living with friends or on the street, which is why she needed the sleeping bag.
She got a new boyfriend pretty quickly, but her relationship with him ended quickly and tragically when he was killed in a hit-and-run accident shortly after the two of them separated to race each other home via different routes. She was only with him for a few weeks and now she is alone. It breaks my heart for her.
When I try to reach out to her she is distant. When I try to help her she takes the help... sometimes as though it is her right. But most of the time it is awkward. I think she feels we judge her. Perhaps we do. Not intentionally, but I do have a hard time believing she is happy, or that her actions will lead to happiness.
For one thing, although she swears she never wants to go back to jail, she quit meeting her probation officer and doing her drug tests, so she has a warrant out for her arrest. Her solution to that is to hide from the police, believing that if she can avoid being picked up for three years it'll go away (Ian has done some research into that belief and is pretty certain it's untrue; there doesn't seem to be a statute of limitations on probation violations).
After her boyfriend died I reached out to her. She called me back and picked her up and brought her home. Although the pending rape allegations she made against her brothers and her father mean that we can't really let her live in the house, where she might be able to claim other rape attempts, we offered to let her live in the trailer out back. It's not the greatest, but it does have a heater. She cried, bathed, ate and then got on the computer. Within an hour she wanted to go back with her friends. We took her back.
Later last week she called to say that she would be coming home after the funeral so she could enter rehab. I was hopeful that that meant she was wanting a change. I think in reality she had no place else to go. She had been living with her boyfriend on the sly, sneaking into his house every night, but with him gone she had no place to go, and it has gotten very cold out, with nighttime temperatures in the 20s, or even the teens.
We arranged for a place, a nice facility that has both mental health and substance abuse treatment. We want her to get the mental health treatment, and the court wants her to do substance abuse rehab. On Friday we took her down to look it over and talk with the counselor there. She was not in a good mood, and was quite curt and rude with us. She essentially told the counselor that she didn't want rehab. He of course, said that if she didn't want to be there it wasn't going to be useful, so said he didn't think it was the best place for her. We went to get something to eat and head back. But she wanted to get back to her friends immediately, so we skipped dinner and dropped her off. She told the counselor that she hears voices and has hallucinations. She's never had symptoms of schizophrenia before, and it doesn't run in the family, but who knows? She's definitely not well.
After the funeral she had her friend bring her to our house with all of her stuff. She was sad, but we invited her friends to stay for a while and eat with us. We had a nice dinner with them and the whole family. After dinner they left, and she got on the computer again, but when it was time for bed, she wanted stay in the house, not go to the trailer. Ian told her that was fine, but if she was in the house she would have to sleep with me. She wanted to be alone, not with me, so he told her it had to be the trailer. She was quite angry. He tried explaining nicely that with the charges she made against her brothers and him that she couldn't sleep in the house. We had to maintain a distance that left no chances. She finally went to the trailer, but was quite angry at us.
That night Ian came up with another solution. He would get a camera and install it in the hallway to the spare bedroom, configured to record all movement. That way she could sleep in the house because if she made any rape allegations we'd have proof that it hadn't happened (her previous allegations had been that she was raped while asleep; she is capable of defending herself while awake, so we really only had to solve the sleeping arrangement question).
The next morning, Tuesday, day before yesterday, Lauren came in the house from the trailer and got on the computer first thing. The internet sometimes slows down due to the valley where we live not having good service. It made her extremely angry and she started swearing quite obscenely about it. I asked nicely for her to not swear. She said that she would cuss because it was part of who she was, something she was proud of and that if I really loved her I would accept all aspects of her, not just the ones I liked.
I disagreed and told her that swearing was a choice and not inherent to her character or personality. She said her boyfriend had loved her foul mouth, her piercings, her tattoos, her green hair, her rebelliousness and that she should never change and she was going to honor his memory by never changing. I told her that was her choice but if she was in our home the rule was no bad language and she would have to obey that. She continued to get angry and asked why we wanted her back here if we couldn't accept her the way she was, or love her. I told her we did love her and we did accept her, but that didn't mean we had to lower the standards of our home, anyway... she got more upset and finally Ian got involved. He eventually lost his temper and told her to get out. She refused, and said that we'd always hated her, that we were so terrible to her her whole life, that we were horrible to her. He got really upset at that and said "You know what? I am done. I try and try and try, and you never meet us halfway or any way. From this point on I no longer have a daughter."
Of course that went over well. I kept telling him to calm down and go away, that I would handle it. At this point she decided she was leaving and was crying and a mess. It really hurt her feelings. Ian immediately felt terrible and tried to apologize and tell her he said it in a moment of anger, but she wouldn't let him take it back. She said she'd been waiting for years for him to say that, and had always known that he didn't want her. She wanted all of her stuff and was leaving right then.
I finally managed to coax her back inside and settle down a bit. We talked a bit, and she decided that she can't stay with us, that it won't work because she is always so angry with us. She feels like she is never good enough. I tried to explain that we don't feel that way, but she would have none of it. She said some pretty hurtful things as well. Things like we never wanted her, never loved her. That she has no good memories of us or her childhood. She said all of the times we tired to get her help in hospitals, or rehab centers or even with medications was nothing more than abandoning her and that we had done it her whole life. She told us we were the worst parents and could never love her unless we could love and accept all of the choices she made -- choices that, frankly, she made specifically because we thought they were bad ideas.
She talked about how doctors know nothing, how meds do nothing but screw her up. She talked about how our religion had done nothing but make her feel guilty her whole life. She was finally proud of who she was, her identity defined by her body modification, profanity, promiscuity, and drugs.
As I listened I thought she really does need help. What clearer evidence than the fact that she so completely lacks any sense of identity that she has to define herself in terms of such shallow characteristics, every one of them chosen in direct opposition to our ideals. Essentially, her identity is her opposition to our beliefs. Even more, she deliberately seeks out the opposition in every interaction with us -- even when we're not opposed. As an example, she once screamed at Ian that we're terrible people because we want to deny gay people the right to be married, and continued her tirade even after Ian said we wanted no such thing and had plans to attend my brother's marriage to his partner (Ian was their wedding photographer). But it didn't matter that her point of opposition was false, she wanted to make us out to be terrible. We have been careful not to criticize any of her choices, trying to get her to understand that we love her regardless of whether or not we think she's choosing well. But she consistently forces the issue, demanding that we must agree with and even like her choices, because if we don't, that means we don't like or love her.
I'm not sure if this is because she's testing, as borderline sufferers often do, to see if people will stick by her no matter how much she abuses them, as a way to prove that they care, or if she has no identity of her own so these choices really are, to her, the totality of her value as a person. I think maybe it's some of both. Either way, she's really unhealthy, but I can't force treatment because it won't work unless she wants it too. We finally got her to agree to see a psychiatrist and perhaps a therapist, though she said that she hates medications and probably won't take them.
Ian also offered to help pay for an apartment for her since if she can't live with us we don't want to see her on the street. Homelessness is never good, and in Utah where it gets so cold, it is worse. She got on the internet and found a friend who was willing to let her move in if we paid part of the rent. After I left for a little while to help my mom.
About 30 minutes later, Ian called and asked if I had any plain, unscented chapstick, because Lauren was upset that the new tattoo she had gotten in remembrance of her boyfriend had begun to dry out and crack and she needed to put something on it. I told him I had some in my purse but that I thought that was the only unscented chapstick I had. I came back, although it turned out that she couldn't use what I had.
She then became quite agitated, insisting that she had to leave right then to get some ointment that would help. She went into a full blown panic attack, unable to control her emotions, or her thought processes, and even sort of had some tics. I agreed to drive her down to Ogden and buy her some ointment for fresh tattoos. She yelled at me the whole time I was getting in the truck to go. She yelled at me for not moving fast enough or caring about her or anyone else and just myself. She yelled at me because I didn't have any chapstick, and then for not knowing she needed the ointment when I arrived. When I told her I thought it was pretty selfish to think that I should know what she and her dad talked about when I was gone she got really angry and made some completely nonsensical comments about how it was my responsibility to know these things, and not her fault. I harrumphed at that and she went on for the whole way down the canyon about how I never listen and that only with us does she get so out of control.
I finally told her that she was the only one who wouldn't let the subject drop, and she kept yelling at me to shut up and let her calm herself down, and that I never let her. Anyway... she was just mentally out of control. Not violent physically, but mentally. We finally made it to the store and bought her ointment. Then she said she couldn't go back up and told me to drop her off at a friends house. At this point I had been yelled at and verbally attacked for most of the day so I was happy to. I dropped her off, and went home. I spent the afternoon thinking and wondering and second guessing my actions and thoughts. She contacted me later to say that we could meet the girl she wanted to move in with today and that would we please bring all of her stuff to her, and asked me to wash all of her clothes for her. I did.
I got on the computer later to see that she had posted on facebook that her parents were willing to pay someone to let her live with them if it would just get her out of our lives, that is how much we hated her. She told us how much all of her friends hated us, because of how we treated her. It hurts. I won't say it doesn't. But last night I actually felt a little peace. I felt like God would watch out for her and that, no matter what, he knew her problems and that he loved her and that he would sort through things.
I know she is suicidal. I know she uses alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever to just get through life. I know she has no real purpose and won't plan for the future because she doesn't want a future. She wants to die. But she also feels like she can't die and that as many times as she has tried to kill herself, with overdoses and even ramming her car into a wall, it has never worked. She has a sense that she is incapable of dying. Her posts are about sadness and unhappiness, and she loathes herself and projects that onto us, and others.
The saddest realization of the day is that Lauren is so unhappy because she is searching for it in all the wrong places. She wants someone to give her value, she wants things to make her happy, to feel something other than shame, and yet what she is doing is only producing more shame. It's a vicious downward cycle. The things that would give her self worth and true happiness she rejects vehemently as things we have tried to "shove" down her throat her whole life. I'm not even talking about religion, although I think God would help her if she would allow it, but just everything about having a normal, stable life.
We met her new roommate today. The place was clean and well kept. It smelled good. The girl seemed to have it together. She is going to college and has a job. She knows Lauren and her issues and is very patient with her. I hope it really works for Lauren, that she can find some stability. We will look into doctors, but again it is really up to Lauren to make it work. She isn't willing to take medications, even though if she's having hallucinations she clearly needs them.
I wish that she could see how much love we have for her. When talking to Ian about how terrible he felt about the things he said, I said "She may hate us all of our lives here on earth, but when we get to the other side she will realize why we did what we did. She will see the love we had/have for her and that we only wanted her happiness. She will know how much we cared, and how hard we have tried to show her that. She will not be angry or hate us; she will finally recognize us for what and who we are, and I hope for what and who she is. I wish she didn't have to go through this life with a broken mind. I wish she didn't have the issues she does, but I have to have faith that God knows why... and however unfathomable to me there is a good reason for it. I know he will not leave her abandoned, any more than we can. We just don't always see it, just as Lauren doesn't always see us."
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She needs help and we are only able to do so much. She could use all the help she can get.
Love Samantha
She got a new boyfriend pretty quickly, but her relationship with him ended quickly and tragically when he was killed in a hit-and-run accident shortly after the two of them separated to race each other home via different routes. She was only with him for a few weeks and now she is alone. It breaks my heart for her.
When I try to reach out to her she is distant. When I try to help her she takes the help... sometimes as though it is her right. But most of the time it is awkward. I think she feels we judge her. Perhaps we do. Not intentionally, but I do have a hard time believing she is happy, or that her actions will lead to happiness.
For one thing, although she swears she never wants to go back to jail, she quit meeting her probation officer and doing her drug tests, so she has a warrant out for her arrest. Her solution to that is to hide from the police, believing that if she can avoid being picked up for three years it'll go away (Ian has done some research into that belief and is pretty certain it's untrue; there doesn't seem to be a statute of limitations on probation violations).
After her boyfriend died I reached out to her. She called me back and picked her up and brought her home. Although the pending rape allegations she made against her brothers and her father mean that we can't really let her live in the house, where she might be able to claim other rape attempts, we offered to let her live in the trailer out back. It's not the greatest, but it does have a heater. She cried, bathed, ate and then got on the computer. Within an hour she wanted to go back with her friends. We took her back.
Later last week she called to say that she would be coming home after the funeral so she could enter rehab. I was hopeful that that meant she was wanting a change. I think in reality she had no place else to go. She had been living with her boyfriend on the sly, sneaking into his house every night, but with him gone she had no place to go, and it has gotten very cold out, with nighttime temperatures in the 20s, or even the teens.
We arranged for a place, a nice facility that has both mental health and substance abuse treatment. We want her to get the mental health treatment, and the court wants her to do substance abuse rehab. On Friday we took her down to look it over and talk with the counselor there. She was not in a good mood, and was quite curt and rude with us. She essentially told the counselor that she didn't want rehab. He of course, said that if she didn't want to be there it wasn't going to be useful, so said he didn't think it was the best place for her. We went to get something to eat and head back. But she wanted to get back to her friends immediately, so we skipped dinner and dropped her off. She told the counselor that she hears voices and has hallucinations. She's never had symptoms of schizophrenia before, and it doesn't run in the family, but who knows? She's definitely not well.
After the funeral she had her friend bring her to our house with all of her stuff. She was sad, but we invited her friends to stay for a while and eat with us. We had a nice dinner with them and the whole family. After dinner they left, and she got on the computer again, but when it was time for bed, she wanted stay in the house, not go to the trailer. Ian told her that was fine, but if she was in the house she would have to sleep with me. She wanted to be alone, not with me, so he told her it had to be the trailer. She was quite angry. He tried explaining nicely that with the charges she made against her brothers and him that she couldn't sleep in the house. We had to maintain a distance that left no chances. She finally went to the trailer, but was quite angry at us.
That night Ian came up with another solution. He would get a camera and install it in the hallway to the spare bedroom, configured to record all movement. That way she could sleep in the house because if she made any rape allegations we'd have proof that it hadn't happened (her previous allegations had been that she was raped while asleep; she is capable of defending herself while awake, so we really only had to solve the sleeping arrangement question).
The next morning, Tuesday, day before yesterday, Lauren came in the house from the trailer and got on the computer first thing. The internet sometimes slows down due to the valley where we live not having good service. It made her extremely angry and she started swearing quite obscenely about it. I asked nicely for her to not swear. She said that she would cuss because it was part of who she was, something she was proud of and that if I really loved her I would accept all aspects of her, not just the ones I liked.
I disagreed and told her that swearing was a choice and not inherent to her character or personality. She said her boyfriend had loved her foul mouth, her piercings, her tattoos, her green hair, her rebelliousness and that she should never change and she was going to honor his memory by never changing. I told her that was her choice but if she was in our home the rule was no bad language and she would have to obey that. She continued to get angry and asked why we wanted her back here if we couldn't accept her the way she was, or love her. I told her we did love her and we did accept her, but that didn't mean we had to lower the standards of our home, anyway... she got more upset and finally Ian got involved. He eventually lost his temper and told her to get out. She refused, and said that we'd always hated her, that we were so terrible to her her whole life, that we were horrible to her. He got really upset at that and said "You know what? I am done. I try and try and try, and you never meet us halfway or any way. From this point on I no longer have a daughter."
Of course that went over well. I kept telling him to calm down and go away, that I would handle it. At this point she decided she was leaving and was crying and a mess. It really hurt her feelings. Ian immediately felt terrible and tried to apologize and tell her he said it in a moment of anger, but she wouldn't let him take it back. She said she'd been waiting for years for him to say that, and had always known that he didn't want her. She wanted all of her stuff and was leaving right then.
I finally managed to coax her back inside and settle down a bit. We talked a bit, and she decided that she can't stay with us, that it won't work because she is always so angry with us. She feels like she is never good enough. I tried to explain that we don't feel that way, but she would have none of it. She said some pretty hurtful things as well. Things like we never wanted her, never loved her. That she has no good memories of us or her childhood. She said all of the times we tired to get her help in hospitals, or rehab centers or even with medications was nothing more than abandoning her and that we had done it her whole life. She told us we were the worst parents and could never love her unless we could love and accept all of the choices she made -- choices that, frankly, she made specifically because we thought they were bad ideas.
She talked about how doctors know nothing, how meds do nothing but screw her up. She talked about how our religion had done nothing but make her feel guilty her whole life. She was finally proud of who she was, her identity defined by her body modification, profanity, promiscuity, and drugs.
As I listened I thought she really does need help. What clearer evidence than the fact that she so completely lacks any sense of identity that she has to define herself in terms of such shallow characteristics, every one of them chosen in direct opposition to our ideals. Essentially, her identity is her opposition to our beliefs. Even more, she deliberately seeks out the opposition in every interaction with us -- even when we're not opposed. As an example, she once screamed at Ian that we're terrible people because we want to deny gay people the right to be married, and continued her tirade even after Ian said we wanted no such thing and had plans to attend my brother's marriage to his partner (Ian was their wedding photographer). But it didn't matter that her point of opposition was false, she wanted to make us out to be terrible. We have been careful not to criticize any of her choices, trying to get her to understand that we love her regardless of whether or not we think she's choosing well. But she consistently forces the issue, demanding that we must agree with and even like her choices, because if we don't, that means we don't like or love her.
I'm not sure if this is because she's testing, as borderline sufferers often do, to see if people will stick by her no matter how much she abuses them, as a way to prove that they care, or if she has no identity of her own so these choices really are, to her, the totality of her value as a person. I think maybe it's some of both. Either way, she's really unhealthy, but I can't force treatment because it won't work unless she wants it too. We finally got her to agree to see a psychiatrist and perhaps a therapist, though she said that she hates medications and probably won't take them.
Ian also offered to help pay for an apartment for her since if she can't live with us we don't want to see her on the street. Homelessness is never good, and in Utah where it gets so cold, it is worse. She got on the internet and found a friend who was willing to let her move in if we paid part of the rent. After I left for a little while to help my mom.
About 30 minutes later, Ian called and asked if I had any plain, unscented chapstick, because Lauren was upset that the new tattoo she had gotten in remembrance of her boyfriend had begun to dry out and crack and she needed to put something on it. I told him I had some in my purse but that I thought that was the only unscented chapstick I had. I came back, although it turned out that she couldn't use what I had.
She then became quite agitated, insisting that she had to leave right then to get some ointment that would help. She went into a full blown panic attack, unable to control her emotions, or her thought processes, and even sort of had some tics. I agreed to drive her down to Ogden and buy her some ointment for fresh tattoos. She yelled at me the whole time I was getting in the truck to go. She yelled at me for not moving fast enough or caring about her or anyone else and just myself. She yelled at me because I didn't have any chapstick, and then for not knowing she needed the ointment when I arrived. When I told her I thought it was pretty selfish to think that I should know what she and her dad talked about when I was gone she got really angry and made some completely nonsensical comments about how it was my responsibility to know these things, and not her fault. I harrumphed at that and she went on for the whole way down the canyon about how I never listen and that only with us does she get so out of control.
I finally told her that she was the only one who wouldn't let the subject drop, and she kept yelling at me to shut up and let her calm herself down, and that I never let her. Anyway... she was just mentally out of control. Not violent physically, but mentally. We finally made it to the store and bought her ointment. Then she said she couldn't go back up and told me to drop her off at a friends house. At this point I had been yelled at and verbally attacked for most of the day so I was happy to. I dropped her off, and went home. I spent the afternoon thinking and wondering and second guessing my actions and thoughts. She contacted me later to say that we could meet the girl she wanted to move in with today and that would we please bring all of her stuff to her, and asked me to wash all of her clothes for her. I did.
I got on the computer later to see that she had posted on facebook that her parents were willing to pay someone to let her live with them if it would just get her out of our lives, that is how much we hated her. She told us how much all of her friends hated us, because of how we treated her. It hurts. I won't say it doesn't. But last night I actually felt a little peace. I felt like God would watch out for her and that, no matter what, he knew her problems and that he loved her and that he would sort through things.
I know she is suicidal. I know she uses alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever to just get through life. I know she has no real purpose and won't plan for the future because she doesn't want a future. She wants to die. But she also feels like she can't die and that as many times as she has tried to kill herself, with overdoses and even ramming her car into a wall, it has never worked. She has a sense that she is incapable of dying. Her posts are about sadness and unhappiness, and she loathes herself and projects that onto us, and others.
The saddest realization of the day is that Lauren is so unhappy because she is searching for it in all the wrong places. She wants someone to give her value, she wants things to make her happy, to feel something other than shame, and yet what she is doing is only producing more shame. It's a vicious downward cycle. The things that would give her self worth and true happiness she rejects vehemently as things we have tried to "shove" down her throat her whole life. I'm not even talking about religion, although I think God would help her if she would allow it, but just everything about having a normal, stable life.
We met her new roommate today. The place was clean and well kept. It smelled good. The girl seemed to have it together. She is going to college and has a job. She knows Lauren and her issues and is very patient with her. I hope it really works for Lauren, that she can find some stability. We will look into doctors, but again it is really up to Lauren to make it work. She isn't willing to take medications, even though if she's having hallucinations she clearly needs them.
I wish that she could see how much love we have for her. When talking to Ian about how terrible he felt about the things he said, I said "She may hate us all of our lives here on earth, but when we get to the other side she will realize why we did what we did. She will see the love we had/have for her and that we only wanted her happiness. She will know how much we cared, and how hard we have tried to show her that. She will not be angry or hate us; she will finally recognize us for what and who we are, and I hope for what and who she is. I wish she didn't have to go through this life with a broken mind. I wish she didn't have the issues she does, but I have to have faith that God knows why... and however unfathomable to me there is a good reason for it. I know he will not leave her abandoned, any more than we can. We just don't always see it, just as Lauren doesn't always see us."
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She needs help and we are only able to do so much. She could use all the help she can get.
Love Samantha
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Police are great when taken in small doses.
So..... Monday Chase had his interview with The policeman at the Child's Justice Center. The cop talked to me, and then he talked to Chase. After the interview he came back and said there was no evidence as to Ben abusing him as Lauren suggested, so that went no where. Chase was a bit worried as to what would happen. He was worried that he might get taken away, or even more that this would break up his family again. He was pretty upset. He said at one point that he was pretty upset at Lauren. She always says she will never hurt him, but he says that she has used him twice now to get even with someone on he personal vendetta. He said he was a pawn and that makes him angry. He told the officer that.
Ben and Seth were upset about being interviewed as well. Both asked if they would just be asked about what went on at home, or wether they would tell what they thought, or whether they would be interrogated as they have sen on TV. They were both pretty worried about the last. They said if someone grilled them and threatened them, and misconstrued what they said........ Anyway they were pretty worried. I told them I was pretty sure they would not be interrogated as there is not enough evidence to even open a case, but that the officer wants to talk to them just to get a feel for what is going on. He told me when I was with Chase that there are a lot of holes in Lauren's story and even more that she misrepresented the facts of what has occurred in the past.
Today Ian took the rest of Lauren's belongings to her. In return he insisted that she give him back the phone he had loaned to her. She told him she didn't have it with her, and that she needed it for jobs and communicating. He told her sorry, not his problem and she couldn't have her stuff till he got his. She went to get it. When she gave it to him, it was crushed. It looks like someone ran over it with a car. She said she dropped it accidentally last Saturday. Then why did she still want it? She did it when she went to get it just to be spiteful.
After he got back I got a call from the probation officer asking for Lauren. She hadn't shown up for a drug test. I told him she had moved out and I didn't know where she was or how he could get ahold of her. I did tell him where she usually hung out though. All I can assume is that she is in violation of her parole for not letting her parole officer know her whereabouts and for not showing up for a test, and so she will go to jail.
I feel really badly for her. She is heading for disaster, and this time I can't rescue her or even help her. She will have to do it on her own. Not what I wanted for her, not where I even imagined she would be. If she could only wake-up and see the path she is on, and that it can be fixed, that it can improve and that she still could have a decent life and be happy. I pray that she may find this someday. Soon!
Ben and Seth were upset about being interviewed as well. Both asked if they would just be asked about what went on at home, or wether they would tell what they thought, or whether they would be interrogated as they have sen on TV. They were both pretty worried about the last. They said if someone grilled them and threatened them, and misconstrued what they said........ Anyway they were pretty worried. I told them I was pretty sure they would not be interrogated as there is not enough evidence to even open a case, but that the officer wants to talk to them just to get a feel for what is going on. He told me when I was with Chase that there are a lot of holes in Lauren's story and even more that she misrepresented the facts of what has occurred in the past.
Today Ian took the rest of Lauren's belongings to her. In return he insisted that she give him back the phone he had loaned to her. She told him she didn't have it with her, and that she needed it for jobs and communicating. He told her sorry, not his problem and she couldn't have her stuff till he got his. She went to get it. When she gave it to him, it was crushed. It looks like someone ran over it with a car. She said she dropped it accidentally last Saturday. Then why did she still want it? She did it when she went to get it just to be spiteful.
After he got back I got a call from the probation officer asking for Lauren. She hadn't shown up for a drug test. I told him she had moved out and I didn't know where she was or how he could get ahold of her. I did tell him where she usually hung out though. All I can assume is that she is in violation of her parole for not letting her parole officer know her whereabouts and for not showing up for a test, and so she will go to jail.
I feel really badly for her. She is heading for disaster, and this time I can't rescue her or even help her. She will have to do it on her own. Not what I wanted for her, not where I even imagined she would be. If she could only wake-up and see the path she is on, and that it can be fixed, that it can improve and that she still could have a decent life and be happy. I pray that she may find this someday. Soon!
Friday, August 15, 2014
Heart Broken
So it is late. Long day, and sleep isn't coming. Got a call from the cops today. They want to interview Chase because Lauren made more accusations that Ben is abusing him. I know no such thing is happening. I have monitored their situation often and talked to Chase frequently. There is no truth to this. It is another attempt to hurt us and to especially hurt Ben. We have an appointment set up with them on Monday. It will be difficult because my sister's father in law died and the funeral is that day. I am not sure I can go now as I don't know if I can make it up there and make it back in time.
The other allegations are believe it or not being taken seriously. I can't believe they believe anything she says. Yet they want each of my sons and my husband to give them a DNA sample. Ben is worried. He thinks that some way she will be able get him in trouble again. I keep telling him she can't hurt him because truth is on his side, but then I didn't think the cops would take her allegations seriously either. Logically I know that my children are innocent of what she accuses them, and emotionally I know it too. I know that the evidence isn't in her favor, but I've been down this road before and it seems like a lot of times evidence doesn't count, because why would she lie? Only because she has to a million people and a million times. She somehow seems to convince police and judges that she is a victim. If only they got to know her for a long time.
Ian and I discussed it tonight. As much as it breaks my heart, Lauren will not be allowed to be in our home to live ever again. It is too dangerous for the rest of us. My heart really is breaking. I love Lauren. But I can't allow her to continue to hurt us all and she has really done so this time. I hope she finds a way to fix her life and get the help she needs, but it won't be from us. Never, ever did I think I would have to have nothing to do with my child. I hope God truly has a purpose for all of this because I sure am having a hard time finding it.
The other allegations are believe it or not being taken seriously. I can't believe they believe anything she says. Yet they want each of my sons and my husband to give them a DNA sample. Ben is worried. He thinks that some way she will be able get him in trouble again. I keep telling him she can't hurt him because truth is on his side, but then I didn't think the cops would take her allegations seriously either. Logically I know that my children are innocent of what she accuses them, and emotionally I know it too. I know that the evidence isn't in her favor, but I've been down this road before and it seems like a lot of times evidence doesn't count, because why would she lie? Only because she has to a million people and a million times. She somehow seems to convince police and judges that she is a victim. If only they got to know her for a long time.
Ian and I discussed it tonight. As much as it breaks my heart, Lauren will not be allowed to be in our home to live ever again. It is too dangerous for the rest of us. My heart really is breaking. I love Lauren. But I can't allow her to continue to hurt us all and she has really done so this time. I hope she finds a way to fix her life and get the help she needs, but it won't be from us. Never, ever did I think I would have to have nothing to do with my child. I hope God truly has a purpose for all of this because I sure am having a hard time finding it.
Doing what I never could have imagined I would do, twice
So Lauren called me about a month ago and let me know she was in jail. She had gotten picked up from Walmart for shoplifting and for having drug paraphernalia. She spent the night there as we wouldn't pay the 2500 bail. She had a court hearing the next day where she pled guilty and was let out to us. She was with us for about 10 minutes, met her boyfriend and left again. Not two days later she had used up all of her freeloading with people and asked if she could spend the night with us. I let her and her boyfriend as well.
After two days of being here she asked if they could not live here as they had no place to go. Ian and I discussed it and decided perhaps letting her have a good family experience, and him as well, would be the best thing for her, and we didn't really want her living on the streets. So we said yes if she was willing to work for her rent and he had to as well, and they had to obey our rules. The first week went okay, other than she and her boyfriend fought everyday. Not having drugs daily is hard on people when they are used to having them 2 to 3 times a day. And of course not being able to sleep together ( have sex) is too. I was quite shocked at my decision to let them both stay. Had anyone asked me even 3 months ago if I would the answer would be not way. Why would I let her boyfriend stay with us, so not what I believe in. But It seemed the right things to do. Perhaps they would be able to learn from being in a family and having support and responsibilities. My family was aghast when they found out, and I got quite a few lectures, but ultimately you have to follow the spirit. In all moral ways I hadn't lowered my standards, after all sleeping together wasn't allowed. I didn't fool myself that they weren't doing it away from my house, or maybe even sneaking, but I had set up the boundaries. For little bit it went okay. Like I said I found myself not knowing if the line between right and wrong, was grey, and was I blurring it, but it felt like the right thing to do. We fed them. clothed them even getting them so new stuff. I offered he jobs to do to earn her fine money and her probation money etc. We took her to her drug tests. We tried to support her as best we could. But again is was mostly one sided.
Anyway.... suffice it to say that over the next few weeks things have gotten more and more difficult. Lauren has gotten more and more demanding. She needs a phone (she didn't get it), She needs money (she didn't get it), She needs.... on an on. She and her boyfriends have continued to fight, to the point one day that she pretended to take a bunch of pills and I ended up having to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital. All I got there was a really expensive prescription of ADHD meds her brother takes put down the toilet, and a really expensive emergency room visit for an attempt at trying to get a guy to stay with her. She fights with the boys constantly and she takes offense at anything that is said. Anyway the past couple of days both she and her boyfriend have really been pushing the rules and limits. I got her clear lip piercings (I bought them) because we don't allow piercings in our home. She has removed them all because they are causing infection. They are glass and plastic which are non allergenic. Then she tells he I need to buy new ones she specifies if I want them out. She refuses to take them out. Then she and her boyfriend started pulling their cots together at night after we had gone to bed and essentially sleeping in the same bed. I told them they couldn't. When they continued, Ian told them one would sleep downstairs each night. Her boyfriend refused so she did. But still they were up till all hours of the night laying with each other on the couch. Ian finally got angry and told them separate places after 11. They haven't done anything towards the rent in about 2 weeks and are essentially free loading. This morning after another infraction, Ian was talking to Lauren when her boyfriend said he was leaving with her to go someplace because we attack him each night and *&%$*&.. Anyway. Ian yelled at him to watch his language. He was really at the end of his tolerance. The boy told him not to get so upset, and Ian said we had warned him repeatedly about this. Then he went to stand by the boy and the boy said he was invading his personal space and proceeded to tell us what terrible people we were. Ian told him to get out. He left with all of his belongings. Lauren left with him. Then I see that she has posted that she is at the police department filing a report. I message her and ask her what she is filing about and she tells me that she is reporting that either her dad or her brothers has been raping her every night while she is asleep. That she has been waking up with a sore vagina and covered in semen. I told her that wasn't true, and she replied that just because I don't want to believe it doesn't make it not true. I told her to do what she thought she must, we were more than willing to work with the cops and answer any of their questions.
I don't know how you would sleep through being raped every night and not know your attacker and continue to let it go on for long periods of time, but apparently she does. It breaks my heart. We didn't kick her out, but we did her boyfriend. So she is going too. This time it is to a point that I don't know if we will let her back in with us. She is lying to the cops and telling them things that if they believe could get one or all of my sons or husband put in jail for a long time. I know she is sick, I know she needs help, but I'm not sure we can help, and right now I am not sure if trying to maintain an association with her has ore value than damage. So know I find myself talking to police about something I never even imagined that I would.
I guess in the end, I pray for her, I love her, I hope the best for her, but for now I can't have her around. Maybe that will change tomorrow, but for now... I don't like her. I may love her, but I don't like her. I am tired of the hurt, the pain, the stress and mostly the abuse that comes with her. And not just for me personally but for my whole family.
After two days of being here she asked if they could not live here as they had no place to go. Ian and I discussed it and decided perhaps letting her have a good family experience, and him as well, would be the best thing for her, and we didn't really want her living on the streets. So we said yes if she was willing to work for her rent and he had to as well, and they had to obey our rules. The first week went okay, other than she and her boyfriend fought everyday. Not having drugs daily is hard on people when they are used to having them 2 to 3 times a day. And of course not being able to sleep together ( have sex) is too. I was quite shocked at my decision to let them both stay. Had anyone asked me even 3 months ago if I would the answer would be not way. Why would I let her boyfriend stay with us, so not what I believe in. But It seemed the right things to do. Perhaps they would be able to learn from being in a family and having support and responsibilities. My family was aghast when they found out, and I got quite a few lectures, but ultimately you have to follow the spirit. In all moral ways I hadn't lowered my standards, after all sleeping together wasn't allowed. I didn't fool myself that they weren't doing it away from my house, or maybe even sneaking, but I had set up the boundaries. For little bit it went okay. Like I said I found myself not knowing if the line between right and wrong, was grey, and was I blurring it, but it felt like the right thing to do. We fed them. clothed them even getting them so new stuff. I offered he jobs to do to earn her fine money and her probation money etc. We took her to her drug tests. We tried to support her as best we could. But again is was mostly one sided.
Anyway.... suffice it to say that over the next few weeks things have gotten more and more difficult. Lauren has gotten more and more demanding. She needs a phone (she didn't get it), She needs money (she didn't get it), She needs.... on an on. She and her boyfriends have continued to fight, to the point one day that she pretended to take a bunch of pills and I ended up having to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital. All I got there was a really expensive prescription of ADHD meds her brother takes put down the toilet, and a really expensive emergency room visit for an attempt at trying to get a guy to stay with her. She fights with the boys constantly and she takes offense at anything that is said. Anyway the past couple of days both she and her boyfriend have really been pushing the rules and limits. I got her clear lip piercings (I bought them) because we don't allow piercings in our home. She has removed them all because they are causing infection. They are glass and plastic which are non allergenic. Then she tells he I need to buy new ones she specifies if I want them out. She refuses to take them out. Then she and her boyfriend started pulling their cots together at night after we had gone to bed and essentially sleeping in the same bed. I told them they couldn't. When they continued, Ian told them one would sleep downstairs each night. Her boyfriend refused so she did. But still they were up till all hours of the night laying with each other on the couch. Ian finally got angry and told them separate places after 11. They haven't done anything towards the rent in about 2 weeks and are essentially free loading. This morning after another infraction, Ian was talking to Lauren when her boyfriend said he was leaving with her to go someplace because we attack him each night and *&%$*&.. Anyway. Ian yelled at him to watch his language. He was really at the end of his tolerance. The boy told him not to get so upset, and Ian said we had warned him repeatedly about this. Then he went to stand by the boy and the boy said he was invading his personal space and proceeded to tell us what terrible people we were. Ian told him to get out. He left with all of his belongings. Lauren left with him. Then I see that she has posted that she is at the police department filing a report. I message her and ask her what she is filing about and she tells me that she is reporting that either her dad or her brothers has been raping her every night while she is asleep. That she has been waking up with a sore vagina and covered in semen. I told her that wasn't true, and she replied that just because I don't want to believe it doesn't make it not true. I told her to do what she thought she must, we were more than willing to work with the cops and answer any of their questions.
I don't know how you would sleep through being raped every night and not know your attacker and continue to let it go on for long periods of time, but apparently she does. It breaks my heart. We didn't kick her out, but we did her boyfriend. So she is going too. This time it is to a point that I don't know if we will let her back in with us. She is lying to the cops and telling them things that if they believe could get one or all of my sons or husband put in jail for a long time. I know she is sick, I know she needs help, but I'm not sure we can help, and right now I am not sure if trying to maintain an association with her has ore value than damage. So know I find myself talking to police about something I never even imagined that I would.
I guess in the end, I pray for her, I love her, I hope the best for her, but for now I can't have her around. Maybe that will change tomorrow, but for now... I don't like her. I may love her, but I don't like her. I am tired of the hurt, the pain, the stress and mostly the abuse that comes with her. And not just for me personally but for my whole family.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
The gospel of Jesus Christ
This post has not so much to do with BPD in particular, though it certainly applies to that, but with my life in general, and some feelings I have really struggled with lately. I want to start by saying that I love my life. There have been times, and many times when I have truly wanted to die. If I ever had the courage to take my own life I probably would have, but I didn't. I am so glad. Even though my life has been full of ups and downs, there have been many ups. I have learned over the past while the true understanding of peace in your life. Our life has been anything but "peaceful". We have had hospital visits, jail visits, children removed from the home, police in our home, drugs, sex, violence, cancer, kidney problems, pornography problems, mental illness, anger and so many other damaging things in our home. I would say that on the day to day basis we have probably had our fair share of trials, and then a bit, but in spite of all of that.... there is a peace. No not peace as in nothing wrong happens, but peace in that God is aware, God is doing what he can, and that I need to trust. Now this isn't a hundred percent. I am after all VERY human. There are times when I want to cry, rail and be mad at God, at the church I belong to. There are times I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of life, but after I calm down, I am always drawn back to the peace of knowing that God is in charge. He knew what these trials were and why our family needed them.
Lately though I have had a sadness in my heart. I have concerns for my children, for family members, for friends, for those I love. I have thought a lot about "Men's hearts failing them." I even talked to my kids about it just two days ago, and what it means. We are in the latter days and we are in the time when men will call good things evil and evil things good. We are in the day when men and women who are valiant and who have loved the church and had a testimony are falling away. I don't know all of the reasons people leave the church. I don't pretend to even understand all of the reasons, but I do KNOW that what ever the reason, if it takes you away from the church that Christ restored on this earth it isn't a good thing. I am lucky in a couple of ways.... first I grew up with a dad that was very practical and open to the gospel and all it engenders. He taught me from a young age that we are not blind followers of a prophet. He taught me that with all revelation that is for the church that we each have the opportunity and obligation to gain a personal witness of that truth. We should pray and get our own confirmation. He also was open to others opinions of the church, but with an eye of testimony. He wasn't looking for ways to find fault with the church, but he was understanding of others ways of looking at the church. I remember him saying to me at a time in my youth when I wasn't sure what to believe...." Have you found anything better? Anything that teaches better principles and values? If you live the gospel and find out there is nothing on the other side what have you lost? If you choose not to, and then find out there is something on the other side though, what have you lost?" While I don't think I could ever live my whole life on that saying, it was what got me through that time. As I lived the gospel I found that my testimony grew and the more I lived it the stronger I knew it was true. I am thankful to my dad and my Mom, for their testimonies. Even now when things get difficult and I whine they are able to support and lift me up and remind me that we may not have all the answers we think we need, but that God knows the why of all things.
I want to express here some things about my family. I am going to be very blunt. When I was a young adult I struggled with staying morally clean. It was a huge temptation for me. One I didn't always succeed at resisting. In the beginning of my marriage my husband struggled with pornography and it created issues in our marriage. I had a son who really struggled in school and with anger and self control as a child. Then I had a daughter who was sexually abused. I have a brother who is gay. As my children grew I had a daughter that developed a mental Illness BPD, and has had multiple suicide attempts, low self esteem, participates in risky behavior. She has been in and out of mental institutions and jail at times. I had a son who got caught up in moral sins as well and become disfellowshipped and be taken from our home. I have had two children that have hurt each other mentally, over and over. I have other sons, who have been damaged by all of the ups and downs in their life by the stress of their siblings. One struggles with depression at times and the other struggles with anger and self control and weight because of it all. On top of that my parents health is not good and they rely on me, my own health has problems as I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease. My life has not been easy. With some of my children I have felt very strongly that a church leader has made a wrong decision in their life. Not to hurt them, but that is what has happened. I know they were doing what they felt was best, only they got lost in the system and fellowshipping never happened and now they are not sure they want it. And even more are bitter about how it all came about. The process was not done in the best way. I have a child that hates the church because they feel they can never live up to it's expectations or beliefs and God has not taken away their trials so he can't love them. I think from a trial standpoint I have many experiences that could make or break me. Sometimes I ask why my family. I have tried our entire married life to have scripture study with my family and prayer. I have tried to teach my children, to have family home evening. I have gone to church regularly and encouraged my kids participation in the church programs. I have tried so hard so why has my family struggled so hard with so many moral temptations and with activity in the church. I have even felt at times that what is the use of the church if I live it and my children don't I won't be with them anyway and that certainly won't be heaven. I think I have a good understanding of bitterness and questioning of how can something so right go so terrible wrong. How could God allow someone in his church, a leader, to hurt someone who is trying to get back to Him? How can my children have so many problems when I have tried so hard to teach them to have faith in God?
I've also had questions about why keep the archives closed, why not open them to all? Why were the blacks not allowed the priesthood for so long, why, why, why? Here is what I have come to know. The church is TRUE. The Prophet does receive revelation for the church and his leadership in gospel doctrine will follow the will of the Lord. How that doctrine is carried out, is however, done by mortal men. The prophet is mortal. The Apostles are mortal. They will make mistakes. Will they make mistakes that effect the whole church...NO, but will some individuals be affected -- YES. Is it fair? NO, but neither is my daughter having a mental illness to battle her whole life. Our leaders will make mistakes. Some will hurt us as individuals, but is our testimony based on the men that run the church or on Christ. Some things I don't have answers for. I have ideas... I have ideas as to why it took so long for the blacks to receive the priesthood, I have ideas on why the church practiced polygamy, but I don't have a concrete answer from God, and in all reality why do I need it? How do those answers keep me from living the gospel doctrines? I am sure when the church was first restored on the earth that a lot of things weren't understood 100% and that they acted on what they knew, making mistakes, but those mistakes will be corrected by God as they weren't intentional, and they don't effect the doctrines that were revealed.
I think many people in our church are led astray by what is called leader worship. It isn't doctrine by any means, and is discouraged, but many members still do it. They feel that if a general authority says it, it is true. There are books that are written by prophets that are NOT doctrine. Prophets have their own opinions as well. After all if God revealed everything to them, they would have no need of this life either. Their would be no test or faith involved. Sometimes God leaves us to make the best decisions we can. If it effects the whole church and it's doctrine it comes from God, if it doesn't, then in isn't doctrine.
I think a bigger issue we face however is a mistaken belief as society as a whole. We have caught onto the idea and correctly so in a way that God is a loving God. He is not the demanding, vengeful God of the old testament, but one who loves us unconditionally. While that is true, loving someone unconditionally, does not mean that their are not consequences or right or wrong. So many people believe that if God loves us, he accepts us how we are. We are looking for something that fits our wants and desires instead or us trying to make our wants and desires fit the Lords. We have told God what we want and how he can help us, and if our religion doesn't match that we leave. How many people say their prayers are never answered because instead of aligning themselves with Gods will, they are seeking for God to align himself with them. We are telling God we know best. While God does love us unconditionally and is always reaching out to us and trying to help us, he is expecting us to become better to make changes in our lives and to improve. He does expect us to obey his commandments. You can change your religion all you want, but it isn't going to change God's true gospel. In the end you only hurt yourself.
So .....I guess all of this rambling has a purpose. I want my friends, my family, my loved ones to know that I pray for you each and every day that you will either remain strong in the True Gospel of Jesus Christ or that you may find your way back to it. I want you to know that I KNOW that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth that has all of the keys and knowledge that has been restored by Jesus. I KNOW that lasting happiness and eternal peace will only come by living his Gospel. I KNOW that Jesus leads this church. I KNOW that he allows bad things to happen to us, after all we each need to grow, and that is the best way to grow. I KNOW that He is aware of all that is happening, and that if we lay our doubts and burdens and trials at His feet, he will be there to help us. I KNOW if we try our hardest to obey His doctrines that we will be with Him in the eternities. I KNOW that only by perseverance and endurance will we make it through this life. But I also KNOW that we can have peace in this life even through the difficulties, and that peace comes only from Him. I plead for each of you to search your hearts and pray. Live the Gospel and return to the truth or find it. I love you. I want the best for you.
Love Samantha
Lately though I have had a sadness in my heart. I have concerns for my children, for family members, for friends, for those I love. I have thought a lot about "Men's hearts failing them." I even talked to my kids about it just two days ago, and what it means. We are in the latter days and we are in the time when men will call good things evil and evil things good. We are in the day when men and women who are valiant and who have loved the church and had a testimony are falling away. I don't know all of the reasons people leave the church. I don't pretend to even understand all of the reasons, but I do KNOW that what ever the reason, if it takes you away from the church that Christ restored on this earth it isn't a good thing. I am lucky in a couple of ways.... first I grew up with a dad that was very practical and open to the gospel and all it engenders. He taught me from a young age that we are not blind followers of a prophet. He taught me that with all revelation that is for the church that we each have the opportunity and obligation to gain a personal witness of that truth. We should pray and get our own confirmation. He also was open to others opinions of the church, but with an eye of testimony. He wasn't looking for ways to find fault with the church, but he was understanding of others ways of looking at the church. I remember him saying to me at a time in my youth when I wasn't sure what to believe...." Have you found anything better? Anything that teaches better principles and values? If you live the gospel and find out there is nothing on the other side what have you lost? If you choose not to, and then find out there is something on the other side though, what have you lost?" While I don't think I could ever live my whole life on that saying, it was what got me through that time. As I lived the gospel I found that my testimony grew and the more I lived it the stronger I knew it was true. I am thankful to my dad and my Mom, for their testimonies. Even now when things get difficult and I whine they are able to support and lift me up and remind me that we may not have all the answers we think we need, but that God knows the why of all things.
I want to express here some things about my family. I am going to be very blunt. When I was a young adult I struggled with staying morally clean. It was a huge temptation for me. One I didn't always succeed at resisting. In the beginning of my marriage my husband struggled with pornography and it created issues in our marriage. I had a son who really struggled in school and with anger and self control as a child. Then I had a daughter who was sexually abused. I have a brother who is gay. As my children grew I had a daughter that developed a mental Illness BPD, and has had multiple suicide attempts, low self esteem, participates in risky behavior. She has been in and out of mental institutions and jail at times. I had a son who got caught up in moral sins as well and become disfellowshipped and be taken from our home. I have had two children that have hurt each other mentally, over and over. I have other sons, who have been damaged by all of the ups and downs in their life by the stress of their siblings. One struggles with depression at times and the other struggles with anger and self control and weight because of it all. On top of that my parents health is not good and they rely on me, my own health has problems as I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease. My life has not been easy. With some of my children I have felt very strongly that a church leader has made a wrong decision in their life. Not to hurt them, but that is what has happened. I know they were doing what they felt was best, only they got lost in the system and fellowshipping never happened and now they are not sure they want it. And even more are bitter about how it all came about. The process was not done in the best way. I have a child that hates the church because they feel they can never live up to it's expectations or beliefs and God has not taken away their trials so he can't love them. I think from a trial standpoint I have many experiences that could make or break me. Sometimes I ask why my family. I have tried our entire married life to have scripture study with my family and prayer. I have tried to teach my children, to have family home evening. I have gone to church regularly and encouraged my kids participation in the church programs. I have tried so hard so why has my family struggled so hard with so many moral temptations and with activity in the church. I have even felt at times that what is the use of the church if I live it and my children don't I won't be with them anyway and that certainly won't be heaven. I think I have a good understanding of bitterness and questioning of how can something so right go so terrible wrong. How could God allow someone in his church, a leader, to hurt someone who is trying to get back to Him? How can my children have so many problems when I have tried so hard to teach them to have faith in God?
I've also had questions about why keep the archives closed, why not open them to all? Why were the blacks not allowed the priesthood for so long, why, why, why? Here is what I have come to know. The church is TRUE. The Prophet does receive revelation for the church and his leadership in gospel doctrine will follow the will of the Lord. How that doctrine is carried out, is however, done by mortal men. The prophet is mortal. The Apostles are mortal. They will make mistakes. Will they make mistakes that effect the whole church...NO, but will some individuals be affected -- YES. Is it fair? NO, but neither is my daughter having a mental illness to battle her whole life. Our leaders will make mistakes. Some will hurt us as individuals, but is our testimony based on the men that run the church or on Christ. Some things I don't have answers for. I have ideas... I have ideas as to why it took so long for the blacks to receive the priesthood, I have ideas on why the church practiced polygamy, but I don't have a concrete answer from God, and in all reality why do I need it? How do those answers keep me from living the gospel doctrines? I am sure when the church was first restored on the earth that a lot of things weren't understood 100% and that they acted on what they knew, making mistakes, but those mistakes will be corrected by God as they weren't intentional, and they don't effect the doctrines that were revealed.
I think many people in our church are led astray by what is called leader worship. It isn't doctrine by any means, and is discouraged, but many members still do it. They feel that if a general authority says it, it is true. There are books that are written by prophets that are NOT doctrine. Prophets have their own opinions as well. After all if God revealed everything to them, they would have no need of this life either. Their would be no test or faith involved. Sometimes God leaves us to make the best decisions we can. If it effects the whole church and it's doctrine it comes from God, if it doesn't, then in isn't doctrine.
I think a bigger issue we face however is a mistaken belief as society as a whole. We have caught onto the idea and correctly so in a way that God is a loving God. He is not the demanding, vengeful God of the old testament, but one who loves us unconditionally. While that is true, loving someone unconditionally, does not mean that their are not consequences or right or wrong. So many people believe that if God loves us, he accepts us how we are. We are looking for something that fits our wants and desires instead or us trying to make our wants and desires fit the Lords. We have told God what we want and how he can help us, and if our religion doesn't match that we leave. How many people say their prayers are never answered because instead of aligning themselves with Gods will, they are seeking for God to align himself with them. We are telling God we know best. While God does love us unconditionally and is always reaching out to us and trying to help us, he is expecting us to become better to make changes in our lives and to improve. He does expect us to obey his commandments. You can change your religion all you want, but it isn't going to change God's true gospel. In the end you only hurt yourself.
So .....I guess all of this rambling has a purpose. I want my friends, my family, my loved ones to know that I pray for you each and every day that you will either remain strong in the True Gospel of Jesus Christ or that you may find your way back to it. I want you to know that I KNOW that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth that has all of the keys and knowledge that has been restored by Jesus. I KNOW that lasting happiness and eternal peace will only come by living his Gospel. I KNOW that Jesus leads this church. I KNOW that he allows bad things to happen to us, after all we each need to grow, and that is the best way to grow. I KNOW that He is aware of all that is happening, and that if we lay our doubts and burdens and trials at His feet, he will be there to help us. I KNOW if we try our hardest to obey His doctrines that we will be with Him in the eternities. I KNOW that only by perseverance and endurance will we make it through this life. But I also KNOW that we can have peace in this life even through the difficulties, and that peace comes only from Him. I plead for each of you to search your hearts and pray. Live the Gospel and return to the truth or find it. I love you. I want the best for you.
Love Samantha
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