It has been some time since I posted last. Part of that has been purposeful. The past few months have been hard for Lauren and I hate to only post about bad things. A few weeks after the last post things went badly for Lauren. Her great grandpa died, and then two days later she was in a terrible crash with 4 of her friends. They were driving way to fast down a winding road and lost control of the car. they rolled and rolled. Two of the boys were killed. One was her best friend. It has been really hard on her.
In December her roommate went on vacation and Lauren got kicked out of the apartment. She had a new boyfriend, and moved in with him and his family. They spent most of December at his grandma's house. Recently they moved in with his uncle into their own room. At the grandma's they were sleeping in the front room. Christmas came and went and it was nice. She spent most of it with his family and I have to admit that hurt some. She thinks I don't understand and that what she was doing was more important as they were spending it with the family of one of the boys who died in the car crash. Her new boyfriend seems to understand her well, and he seems like a nice kid, I just wish he didn't do drugs.
In December Lauren thought she might be pregnant. She stopped taking her birth control. All of her tests came up negative. I even took her to Planned Parenthood and she got a test there that came back negative. Finally in January she went to the hospital with pains, and they confirmed that she was pregnant and about 6 weeks along. She was so excited. I was not. I don't think she is ready to be a mom. Even more she has proved it to me on multiple occasions. One thing is that she keeps insisting that she is not going to give up her marijuana because it doesn't cause any harm to the baby. She read one study that was for it. Every other one I have seen even on pro weed sites say we don't know what it does so it is best to just avoid it. But she won't listen to any of those and I am afraid she is really going to hurt the baby. She also hasn't stopped smoking yet. She is about 10 weeks along now, and knows it isn't good for the baby, but she hasn't quit. I don't think she will. And since it isn't illegal there is not much I can do. As far as the marijuana goes I want to report her to keep the baby safe, but she wouldn't be held long and then she would go back to using and cut me off. That wouldn't be good for the baby. I'm in a tough spot not knowing what is best to do. She has an appointment with an ultrasound next week.
I know I need to be happy for her at this point because being unhappy and disappointed won't help anyone. Especially our relationship or the baby, but ....it's hard. She's not ready for a baby, I'm afraid it will have drug damage, and I'm also afraid I will end up raising it. These are all things I have considered for many years as we knew this was a good possibility. I thought I had prepared myself for this pretty well. But when reality hits and you have to actually deal with things, when you have to make hard choices, and give up hopes that you have held on to, it is so different. Thus can you really prepare?
I know my relationship with Lauren is stilted. I know it is not what it should be, but it is hard to keep what I want from her to stop interfering with what is. I sometimes wonder how one can love unconditionally. I do love her, a lot, but I am disappointed. I miss the daughter I had, and even more the one I wanted. I miss being able to talk about normal things. Instead all of our conversations are uncomfortable about a party, or things that I think she knows I will disapprove of. I think she does it on purpose to keep from getting to close to me. I really don't know, I just know that we aren't at all close and I miss that.
I feel badly for the loss of being a proud grandparent and telling everyone she is pregnant. I feel badly about my family not feeling supportive or excited for her. I feel badly that the baby doesn't have a stable home, or married parents. I feel badly that I can't go to appointments with her and look forward to the babies birth. I feel for the baby not having parents that have jobs, and being raised in an environment where drugs are okay and cigarettes are fine, and his/her health is not of utmost concern. And for all of those things I have a hard time being supportive and excited and loving. I wish I didn't and I do try my best to do things for Lauren, to help the baby, but I'm not happy about it. I will try harder to bring my life in alignment with what is best for the baby and for my relationship with Lauren. Because wether I like it or not it is happening and I have to be able to help those that need me regardless of my personal beliefs, and especially if those beliefs are keeping me from being christlike.
Anyway...I know Lauren is scared and unsure and excited and she needs support. I hope and pray all the time that someone can get through to her since I don't seem to. I hope this baby will bring about good changes in her, help her to see that she has to put it first and care for others above herself. I have seen motherhood do that in others who were headed down a wrong path, hopefully it can help her as well.
Samantha
