The past month or so has been rather difficult for me. For Lauren too I am sure. Her boyfriend is back from his grandparents and she feels she needs to spend every spare moment with him. This causes problems with cars and such as her brother has a job as well, and they have to share a car. She also has had two jobs in the past two month. I don't know why she got let go of her previous one. She seemed to like it, and the reason she gave seemed very suspect. I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run, hopefully she learned whatever she needed to from it.
She did do really well in turning right around to get another job, and did so the following day. She now works at an assembly plant here in our town. It pays better, and has better hours, though the work is more boring.
She has been doing well as far as her emotions go as well, and I have been proud of her for that. The area where it has been difficult is that she is now 18 and feels like she should have freedoms that she wants. While I agree she has the right to those freedoms, they come at a cost. We have set up a set of rules for our home, to help everyone in it, and generally, she doesn't like the rules, and feels that since she is 18 she should not have to obey them. The past little while she has pushed lines, and broken lots of rules. When we remind her of them, she gets snappy and moody, or cops an attitude. Things such as chores, dress standards, and language standards, have been ignored most of the time. She has brought friends home without asking. Those are just a few of the minor rules she has broken. There have been a lot more, and a lot more serious. Ian and I have talked about it for a long time and decided that something had to change. We really only had two options or so it seemed. One was to kick her out, which I didn't like, because then I would feel guilty, and wonder what she was doing for money, and how she was living or eating, and it would really hurt our relationship, or we could allow her to stay and put up with her pushing/breaking rules. Neither seemed like a good solution. I'm not sure there is a good solution here however. We gave it a lot of thought, and prayer, and talk. Finally we decided to present her with a choice. She could live here with the same privileges the others get, but would have to obey the rules, or she could move out. We would give her the car, and the money that we had planned on giving her to help with schooling. She could use that money to get an apartment, insurance, and get going, while working and saving, so she could make it on her own. After about 2 hours, she decided on the later.
Lauren went right to work and found an apartment. In fact she moved out today. We presented her with the choice on Monday or Tuesday. The car will be transferred to her tomorrow, and the money put in her bank account. She has her furniture from her room, and we gave her some basic items like detergent, groceries, toiletries, bedding etc. She is quite excited about it. In a way we are too. I know she will let her boyfriend move in with her,which we really disapprove of, but she is an adult. Even though we have taught her otherwise, she has to make her own decisions. I am sure she will make many other choices that I know will hurt her in the long run, but hopefully through all of it she will be able to grow and understand. I want the best for her. I want her to succeed and be happy.
We even talked that at the end of 5 or 6 months if she can't make it on her own, she is welcome to come back, but on our terms, not hers. One of the stipulations of her moving out was she had to come home for dinner on Sunday at least twice a month, weekly preferably. I hope she knows that we love her. That we want the best for her. That we have her best interest at heart and we hope this provides her with a way to grow and mature without leaving her on the street to fend for herself with no experience. I wish it was ideal, but I don't think there is much ideal in this situation.
I remember reading in a book quite awhile ago, that it wasn't about what was right, it was about what works. In other words, even though what I think is right, she isn't going to do that, so pushing it is not going to help, so we do what works, and hopefully she feels the love and support and hopefully she has the experiences to learn from so that she has the desire to return to the right path, and finds her way back there. I think she know we will always love her regardless, and will help he in the best way we can.
I feel sad in the way her moving out and taking that huge adult step has come about. I wish it could be her desire to become an adult, go to school, or become independent. While I think she wants that.... I think the main reason she jumped on the wagon, was to be free of rules she dislikes. I feel that on both our sides it will be good, but that it happened in a sad way, instead of a congratulatory step forward. No matter what though........ I hope she succeeds at finding what she truly needs and that this move helps her to gain independence and happiness.
Love Samantha
