Dear Martha, I wanted to talk to you last night, but things just didn't work out, so maybe this is better anyway. You can come back and read it if needed. I wanted to tell you I am sorry you are going through these difficulties with Miles. I understand as a Mom how hard it is to leave your child in someone else's care, and not really have a say in what happens to them. Just missing them is hard. You feel like you've failed in your duty, you feel sad for yourself, you feel even sadder for them. You can't understand why this had to happen or what you are to learn. And that is just some of the feelings.
I wish I could tell you that the facility he is in is going to make everything all better and that his problems would be over along with this trial that you don't want. But in all truthfulness, it won't. I'm not trying to be a downer or telling you to give up. I stating a fact. Miles is going to be like Lauren I think. I don't think there will be any magic pill, or treatment. I think he will struggle for many years, which means you will struggle for many years. There are good times in between it all, and you must record and relive those, because they are what makes it all worth it. That and the knowledge that God will help, Jesus atoned for this (not just sins) and that in Eternity these things will be gone. I think when Miles is released from this place things will be better for a while. I hope the new meds help. Enjoy his childhood because I think your teenage years with him are going to be HARD. When you start to see them make choices that will last a lifetime, and effect them into the eternities it really breaks your heart. It takes a lot of faith to not lose hope and give up. When Lauren started sleeping around, I can't tell you how that broke my heart. Then when she started using drugs and smoking. Then...... wanting funky hair, tattoos, piercings, bizarre clothing, sexting, hanging on every guy that would give her attention..... Yes my heart has been broken more that I thought I could ever take. When she lies, steals, shoplifts, etc. I often wonder why this trial. It certainly isn't benefitting her, and I don't think what we learn is worth the price. BUT..... I don't know that. Only God does, and you have to have faith. It has taken me many years to get to the point where her actions don't send me into a tail spin. Yes there are still days when I feel badly, and want to give up, but they are not the majority now. I have come to realize a couple things that I hope can help you and save you years of heartache. First is that we are here to help these kids. God gave them to us because we could do something for them that no one else could, and I don't mean fix them. Sometimes it is just the ability to keep loving them when they do such awful things. Sometimes it is simply setting the example of joy that comes from living the gospel. Sometimes it is just that they know we love them. That is hard to accept that there is little you can do, but sometimes that is it. I have prayed for years to know what to do to help Lauren. I have prayed about medicines, facilities, programs, healing, blessing, fasting and praying. I have never in all that time received a message of "This is what you need to do to help her." All I have ever got was a feeling to continue to have faith, set the example and continue to forgive her, love her, and let her know that. As you may or may not know, she doesn't go to church anymore. It has been almost a year since she has. She'll go occasionally, but she never stays. She will not graduated from Seminary, or even high school. She will never go to a prom. She will never have a normal date. She will probably not get married in the temple at least not for a long time. And yes that hurts and hurts and hurts. But all I can do is what Lehi did, Alma the elder, Adam and Eve, and so many others in the scriptures. I can pray, and fast for her. I can set an example, and I can love her. I don't think Miles is at the point where he can make his own decisions, but he will get there eventually and you will have to come to terms with that. Ian and I have got to the point, that she isn't legally an adult, so we have to have her in our home. We want her there, but also that there are certain things we will not allow in our home. She is not allowed to be in our home if she is drunk, or high. No sexual activity can go on in our home, no smoking. Yes she does these things, but not in our home. She knows that our home has standards. I can't make her live them outside the house, but I can inside. As long as she doesn't bring it to my home, she is welcome there. She participates in scripture study and prayer in the home. This will not change when she is 18. However if she does bring it into our home, she knows she will not be allowed to stay there, not because we don't love her, but because our home is a haven for all of us.
Secondly is the knowledge that most people including herself, don't understand Lauren. None of us know to what extent she is capable of changing her life. How much is choice and how much is sickness? To what degree is a person able to withstand temptation. Yes I know the scriptures say a person will not be tempted beyond what they can withstand, but... I think that is for the normal person, not the one who is sick. In some ways I think maybe Lauren would not have been able to withstand some of the issues facing her, and so maybe she has this disability to protect her from the consequences of her actions. If you can't control, you can't be responsible. I'm not so sure that this disability is all that much different from someone with down syndrome. We know that they are not responsible for the decisions they make here on earth because they have a body that doesn't allow them to chose properly. Most of them are innocent and we understand it so much better, but perhaps our kids disabilities serve the same purpose. That doesn't mean I don't work with her on changing. Or that she doesn't want to change, but that it is so difficult, harder than for most, and that even small gains are huge. People have often asked me how can I say the past few months have been great for our family given that she isn't going to church, she is smoking, using drugs, sexting, lost her job etc. I'll tell you why. Because Lauren has not had an episode of such violence that she has to be restrained, there have been no overdoses, or hospital visits, or police involved. There have been no arrests or crap at our home. Emotionally, she has found an even keel. For a bit anyway..... And THAT IS BIG!!!! Sure I want the rest, but this is progress and huge from where she was 3 years ago. or even 6 months ago. So I have to look for and be thankful for the progress she makes.
I also realize that change is possible. We don't know when and what will effect people. Look at people we grew up with that were so wild in high school. How many of them now have found happiness in the gospel. Why? Because as they matured they realized what mattered most. And God gives them the opportunity to repent whenever and however many times it takes. Recently I read a book that talked about a boy talking about the bicycle parable, and that he had crashed the bike. The author said he loves the parable, but it isn't that God makes up the difference, God already bought the bike. The repentance process is to help you appreciate the bike, But God already bought it. And if you crash it, guess what he has a whole warehouse full of bikes and you can have as many as you need as long as you truly repent. That is the blessing of it all. If he or she is 99 and still repenting it still counts. Whether they accept the gospel here or even on the other side, it will count. So hope is always there. President Packer said one time that he doesn't doubt that many people when they are freed from the fetters of this earth, will be able to see the gospel in its entirety and accept on the other side, because what they had here prevented them from truly accepting it.
I am sure you have been able to see the "Real" Miles, just as I have seen the real Lauren. There are time when the sickness isn't in control, and her happiness and goodness, her compassion, her light shine. There are times when she has such an understanding of the gospel, when she is so sweet. I see that and know that that is who she is. Underneath all the crap she has in her life she is a wonderful person. I see that. I wish, oh I wish, she could be that person always, but I know it is there, and I know God knows it is there. If I can see her as God sees her, past all her actions, past all her faults, past her disease I can understand and help better. Because sometimes it is really hard to know what to do. How to react. Yes there are consequences, but there also has to be total forgiveness. Christ set the example I have to follow. People many think I let her walk all over me, but in all actuality, I just want her to know I love her and I will continue to let her try again and again. She knows I do not support her in her negative behaviors. She knows I don't accept it or allow it in my home, but I can't do much else. So I forgive and love her.
There is growth, not only for Lauren, but of others. Our family has grown from her trials. Yes we have hard times too, but I look at my kids.... Chauncey is very forgiving. He doesn't hold others responsible for his happiness. He doesn't hate Lauren for all she has done to him. Ben is more compassionate to others. He sees that there are many good people in the world, and not just in our church. He knows that good people can do bad things and that that doesn't make them bad. He is very accepting of others and how he treats them, even if he doesn't agree with what they are doing. Payne also is very forgiving. They value family more. I have found strength I never knew existed in me. I have learned to be less judgmental, to be more forgiving, to let things go I can't change. I have learned to turn to Heavenly Father for peace and joy. I have found strength and love in Ian through support and working together. I care less about his annoyances (Which are many) and am able to concentrate on how we support each other through the difficult times. The odd thing is...It isn't Lauren that has changed, it is me and my abilities to deal with things, to see things, to choose things. We have grown and been blessed. We are better people for this. Am I thankful for this trial....... NO! But I am thankful for the things I have learned from it. Would I want this trial.... NO. Would I change it .... YES. But that is because I am mortal. I don't see the whole picture and I don't know what God has in store. And I am grateful that he gives us what we need and not what we want. My favorite book is by Neal A Maxwell, called "All these things shall be for thy good" It helps me understand.
Finally..... The road is long, and hard. But there is joy along it. People will judge you, people will hurt you, people will hurt your kids. Some of those people will be family. I don't know how often I have heard Mom say something that hurts and cuts about Lauren. But I have to remember she doesn't understand. She will give advice that I simply have to ignore. Not because she is being mean, or trying to hurt me, but because she doesn't live with it day in and day out. She doesn't get it and so she tries to help with her limited ability. You have to get over those things. It is too important. Every time people tell me that I spoiled Lauren, and that is why she is like she is... I have to ignore it. When they tell me if I would just enforce some rules..... I take it with a grain of salt. When they tell me I need to kick her out.... I consider and pray. They are trying to help, and yes they are judging, but they don't have all the facts, and I can only do what I feel the Lord is telling me to do. If that goes against their thoughts, so be it. I am sure Mom, Agnes, Mary, Colton, Dusty, Dad, ME have given you advice on what you should do with Miles, but we only see from the outside, not the day to day, and so we try to help with what we see, not to judge, though it may seem like that, but you have to do what the Lord leads you to do. God loves Miles more than you. He knows him better, he hasn't just left him to suffer. He will do all he can to help him, and guide him. BUT -- you have to rely on him. Your family will try to support you, but there is only so much we can do with our limited knowledge. Remember God has great trust in you, and this trial shows how much. HE knows that only you can give Miles what it is he needs. He will guide you to what that is. And if it just to keep trying and loving, then that is it, even if it seems so useless.
I love you. I ache for you, and for Miles. I wish you didn't have to go through the years ahead of you. But again hold on to the good things, the memories, record the bright spots. Find those moments when the real Miles shines through and treasure them. We don't know why God has allowed this trial to come to him and your family, but God does. Trust in that.
Samantha
